The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old July 14th, 2012, 10:04 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Note: Originally I was going to create a chaptered fiction based around this story, but it died.



Enjoy this one-shot, rated PG.

Re-Awakening


The sun’s warm rays shined down on the secluded tropical Villa. Gentle aqua blue waves crashed onto the white sandy shore and retreated back into the clear ocean. From a balcony, underneath the white umbrella he sat and stared off into the vast blue horizon. The sky was clear and the wind was soft. The weather was perfect. He tucked his black shades into the pocket of his collared shirt. Next to him, he grabbed a crystal glass cup filled with red wine and took a small sip before placing it back on the stool. His lounge chair was comfortable and relaxed just like his Persian who lay peacefully next to him. He closed his eyes and began to dream. He wanted more, but there was nothing left in the world he didn’t have.

What else can make his life perfect? He already had money and authority. He had already experienced countless perfect summers. His mind began to wonder some more. He asked himself, what don't I have? What is the one thing in this world I have yet to acquire? Could it be love? He opened his eyes and gazed down to the sandy shore not far away. On the sand laid a blonde woman with her back to the sun. She felt the man’s stare from a distance and looked up to wave at him. The man smiled and lifted his hand. The woman in the two-piece swim suit got up and dusted the sand from her thighs and elbows. She then turned around to the ocean and ran into the water.

She let out a cheerful cry as soon as a cold blue wave crashed onto her knees. The man took his attention from the woman. I should be down there with her, he thought to himself. In that instant he stood up from his lounge chair and turned around to face the sliding glass door. Suddenly, the man began feeling a strange tightness in his chest. He placed his right palm over his heart and covered his face with his left. He fell to his knees and awoke the Persian. The man then began to cringe on the floor, he couldn’t yell out. His Persian walked over to him, terrified, it lifted its paw to the man’s shoulder and let out a short, sharp cry.

The man crawled to the glass door and slouched on it.The tightness in his chest quickly vanished, but now his head was in extreme pain. He finally let out a screeching cry which alerted the woman on the beach. She quickly ran out of the water and grabbed her red towel near the shore. Just then the pain had stopped. The man was panting heavily and sweating, but now, it seemed the pain had diminished. He got up, disregarding his Pokémon, and placed his hands on the marble railing of the balcony.

“Giovanni, sir, are you okay?” The blonde woman asked, wide-eyed, as she approached underneath the balcony.

“Yes, don’t worry about me. It was just a really bad headache. I’ve never felt such excruciating pain before.” The blonde woman was relieved her boss still okay, but the pain he felt worried her.

“I think I should get you to a hospital, sir.”

“No, Domino I'm alright.”

“I’ll be up there in a sec hold on”, she shouted from below. Domino ran into the Villa, out of Giovanni’s sight. He sat back down on his lounge chair, quietly. His Persian began purring and rubbing it’s head on Giovanni’s khaki covered leg. He placed his right hand on the Pokémon’s head and began petting it. He now knew what he was missing. It wasn’t love. It was power. All his life he had never acquired power. It was like if he just awoke from a long-episode of amnesia. All his desires and memories had flooded into his mind. Mewtwo had eluded him for far too long.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old July 15th, 2012, 04:42 AM
dracoflare's Avatar
dracoflare
Togepi
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Gender: Male
Ah, it was definitely supposed to be the opening of something big. Too bad you ended up it as a one-shot.




Quote:
The sun’s warm rays shined down on the secluded tropical Villa. Gentle aqua blue waves crashed onto the white sandy shore and retreated back into the clear ocean. From a balcony, underneath the white umbrella he sat and stared off into the vast blue horizon. The sky was clear and the wind was soft. The weather was perfect. He tucked his black shades into the pocket of his collared shirt. Next to him, he grabbed a crystal glass cup filled with red wine and took a small sip before placing it back on the stool. His lounge chair was comfortable and relaxed just like his Persian who lay peacefully next to him. He closed his eyes and began to dream. He wanted more, but there was nothing left in the world he didn’t have.
This paragraph was real good, I wish I could write such pleasant descriptions. It immediately took me to the atmosphere you intended to take it, but then again that's what descriptions are supposed to do making my statement redundant.

The mention of the name Persian immediately made me realize it was Giovanni.

Quote:
What else can make his life perfect? He already had money and authority. He had already experienced countless perfect summers. His mind began to wonder some more. He asked himself, what don't I have? What is the one thing in this world I have yet to acquire? Could it be love? He opened his eyes and gazed down to the sandy shore not far away. On the sand laid a blonde woman with her back to the sun. She felt the man’s stare from a distance and looked up to wave at him. The man smiled and lifted his hand. The woman in the two-piece swim suit got up and dusted the sand from her thighs and elbows. She then turned around to the ocean and ran into the water.

She let out a cheerful cry as soon as a cold blue wave crashed onto her knees. The man took his attention from the woman. I should be down there with her, he thought to himself. In that instant he stood up from his lounge chair and turned around to face the sliding glass door. Suddenly, the man began feeling a strange tightness in his chest. He placed his right palm over his heart and covered his face with his left. He fell to his knees and awoke the Persian. The man then began to cringe on the floor, he couldn’t yell out. His Persian walked over to him, terrified, it lifted its paw to the man’s shoulder and let out a short, sharp cry.

The man crawled to the glass door and slouched on it.The tightness in his chest quickly vanished, but now his head was in extreme pain. He finally let out a screeching cry which alerted the woman on the beach. She quickly ran out of the water and grabbed her red towel near the shore. Just then the pain had stopped. The man was panting heavily and sweating, but now, it seemed the pain had diminished. He got up, disregarding his Pokémon, and placed his hands on the marble railing of the balcony.

“Giovanni, sir, are you okay?” The blonde woman asked, wide-eyed, as she approached underneath the balcony.

“Yes, don’t worry about me. It was just a really bad headache. I’ve never felt such excruciating pain before.” The blonde woman was relieved her boss still okay, but the pain he felt worried her.

“I think I should get you to a hospital, sir.”

“No, Domino I'm alright.”

“I’ll be up there in a sec hold on”, she shouted from below. Domino ran into the Villa, out of Giovanni’s sight. He sat back down on his lounge chair, quietly. His Persian began purring and rubbing it’s head on Giovanni’s khaki covered leg. He placed his right hand on the Pokémon’s head and began petting it. He now knew what he was missing. It wasn’t love. It was power. All his life he had never acquired power. It was like if he just awoke from a long-episode of amnesia. All his desires and memories had flooded into his mind. Mewtwo had eluded him for far too long.


Alright, your writing was clear and you clearly showed what you intended to, but what bothers me is why did Giovanni suddenly got a headache/ pain in the chest. I mean, why would Giovanni randomly remember the memories Mewtwo erased. I understand life is actually a combined set of random events but in fiction isn't the 'Why' important?

Of course if you are intending to continue this as a longer fic, then I would take my questions back :p

Otherwise, you have done Giovanni perfectly. Giovanni isn't your average man, he has an ambition, i.e world domination. He seeks power, and things like love are only secondary to him. In fact this is the sort of characterization I would give Giovanni too.
__________________
Legend of the Dark Prince: PC|FF.Net|

The Trip to Unova: A flying-saucer, a beast and a mad-scientist.
: PC
The Road to Nowhere: PC|FF.Net|SPPf|

If you want a storyline to your fan game whether it is a ROM Hack or using RPG Maker XP, feel free to contact me!
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 09:14 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.