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  #1    
Old July 4th, 2012, 09:42 AM
docowocool
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This is the 1st story i my series of fics using a characr called Chaos. It is set 10 years after the 6th story. I have not released the others anywhere yet.

Prologue

Giovanni was in a cave, halfway between Johto and Kanto. Chaos had put him there - a mere wreck of his former self. She had summoned Celebi with her crystal, taking Giovanni here.

The Rocket executives were flying astride Scizors. "Here is the cave!" yelled Proton as they went into land, returning their Scizors. "Toxicroak, brick break!" shouted Petrel, throwing an ultra ball. Toxicroak slashed out at the wall, leaving a large dent. "Useless..." mumbled Ariana "Nidoking fury attack!" she continued, hurling a pokeball. Midoking and Toxicroak destroyed the wall, revealing Giovanni!


The prologue is shorter than the chapters... The story will start in Chapter 1. Feel free too review and leave constructive criticism. I will listen, and as Boxer says in Animal farm "I will work harder!"
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Last edited by docowocool; July 20th, 2012 at 03:41 AM. Reason: rewrites
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  #2    
Old July 4th, 2012, 11:19 AM
docowocool
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Here is Chapter 1 for you all.

Chapter 1

Chaos, champion of all the regions, was on her hidden peak on Mt. Silver. Leaf was below her, thrashing some kid who had a Volcarona. Chaos was due at Oak's in ten minutes. She threw her Pidgeot into the air, sending golden light everywhere. "Pidgeot, fly to Oaks!" she shouted, before jumping on it's back. While they were flying there, she saw an explosionat Giovanni's cave. She threw her Lucar0io down there to check on him. Finally, she arrived at Oak's.

Meanwhile, Giovanni and the executives were climbing into their ship. Archer gave Giovanni his pokemon back. "Good, now we can awaken Groundon and Kyogre." he said, bewildering Ariana. Then, a Lucario, Chaos', came down there, in front of the executives. Giovanni threw a pokeball at the ground, revealing an Arcanine. "Arcanine, flame charge!" he yelled, while Lucario unleashed a powerful bone rush. Arcanine used crunch on Lucario's bone, enraging it. Lucario smashed Arcanine backwards with aura beam, forcing Giovann to return it. "Chaos..." he growled, unleashing an Alakazam and a Machamp. After a long and tiring battle, Lucario juped astride a wild staravia and flew back to Chaos. Giovanni and the executives flew away in their ship.

Chaos stutted through the door, just in time for Oak. "I believe that these three trainers have great potential, so I would like to give them shiny pokemon, from your hand." said Oak. Befoe Chaos could reply, the door was rammed open and the three kids ran in. "Can pick first?" asked Darren, taking a Squirtle from Chaos' hand. "Thank you mam." he said, before standing behind Oak. HIs Squirtle turned out green and orange. One of the girls, Charlotte took a Charmander. "Thank you mam." she said, releasing her new pokemon. It was purple and brown. The last one, Maisie, took a pink Bulbasaur. "I am honoured to recieve this pokemon mam." she said, taking her place behind Oak. They waited in line to recieve their Pokedexes and pokeballs. Suddenly, the wall in front of them collapsed!

Right, I hoe you enjoyed this, the rewrite of chapter 2 will be up soon. The current chapter two is void because it missed about 3 scenes. Don't read it.
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Last edited by docowocool; July 20th, 2012 at 08:31 AM. Reason: rewrites
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  #3    
Old July 5th, 2012, 04:41 AM
docowocool
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Sorry that I am late. Here is chap2

Chapter 2

Three Rocket Executives ran through the hole in the wall, Petrel, Proton and Ariana. Petrel brough forth a Toxicroak and a Weezing, Proton, a Rotom and an Umbreon and Ariana a Slowbro and a Golduck. Following them, were three Rocket Grunts, each with a Golbat. The three young trainers threw their pokeballs, revealing Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle. Chaos summoned her Charizard, Blastoise, Venusaur, Lucario, Alakazam and Machamp. "Oh drat, I wish I had Genesect with me..." she thought aloud. Charmander nobly scratched Goldbats, being hit with powerful wing attacks itself. Bulbasaur played defence, tackling andthing that came near Charmander or Squirtle. Squirtle tackled for all it was worth. Charizard and Machamp were taking on Toxicroak and Weezing. A flamethrower hit Weezing, sending it to the ground, Machamp used mega punch, knocking out Weezing, but being hit with a sludge. Toxicroak poisonjabbed Machamp, being countered with Mega Punchs. Eanwhile, Venusaur and Alakazam were battling Rotom and Umbreon. Umbreon was sending off shadow ball after shadow ball, each being destroyed by Alakazam's psychic. Rotom, fired off hyper beams, countered by Solar beams from Venusaur. A quick magical lea dispensed of Umbreon, as Alakazam used psybeam, causing Rotom to lose control, reverting to one form after another. Rotom collapsed to th ground in wash form, just to be magical leafed by Venusaur. Blastoise and Lucario were taking on Slowbro and Golduck. Hydro Pump, and bone rush were both simaltaneously aimed at Slowbro, causing it to ue a pathetic psybeam on Lucario, before collapsing onto the floor. Golduck, however, unleashed hydro pump, smashing Lucario to the ground, unsuprised though, when Blastoie use body slam ,destroying Golduck. The three Golbats and Toxicroak reformed, all attacking Lucario with poison jabs and wing attacks. Suddenly, Charmander, Bulbasaur and Squirtle all used their attacks on Golbats, causing the Golbats to collapse. Venuaur used solarbeam, sending toxicroak staight through the wall!

Meanwhile, Giovanni and Archer trudged round to the back of Oak'slab. Giovanni's Arcanine flame charged the back, revealing the room with the orbs of Kyogre and Groundon, two legendary pokemon, with the power to estroy th world! Archer sent out his two Machoke and aWeezing to guard with him, while Giovanni took the orbs! Giovanni's Alakazam used psychic, leviating the orbs into the air. Arcanine and Crobat guarded the wall to the main pat f the lab. THe orbs finally eached Giovanni's hand, when, suddenly, Toxicroakshot, fainted, through the wall, leaving a big hole! Giovanni quickly returned his Arcanine and Alakazam and hopped onto Crobat, flying away! Archer quickly folloed, astride Staraptor. Chaos ran through the hole, seeing Giovanni fly away! She hopped onto her Pidgeot and gave chse! While flying, she quickly called Leaf.
"Leaf, we may need your help. The Rockets have reurned, and they hav Giovanni!"
"Roger that mam, I see you now, I'll catch up. Leaf out."
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Last edited by docowocool; July 28th, 2012 at 04:23 AM.
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  #4    
Old July 13th, 2012, 07:53 PM
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Taking some time to review.

Honestly, this is very very confusing. In the prologue, I thought that Chaos was an abstract idea, or pretty much anything that isn't human. Then in the first chapter, Chaos is a woman? Who I think is the Champion of every single region? Which is kind of difficult to be, since it means that she has to travel all across the world a lot for League challenges (and whatever else you believe a Champion's duties are).

It's also confusing to tell just what is going on. For one thing, why does Professor Oak have the Red and Blue Orbs unprotected in his lab? They should at least be kept in Hoenn, since they're items with the power to summon Legendary Pokemon that can destroy the world. So they need to be heavily protected. Having them sent to another region and then kept in a high-profile place that's easy to get to (a wooden door in the back of an unguarded lab) is just asking for them to be stolen. So I hope Oak isn't shocked by their disappearance.

And why is it Team Rocket that's aiming for Groudon and Kyogre? Both Aqua and Magma were the teams mainly involved with those two Pokemon. I don't even think Giovanni ever wanted those Pokemon. Though I think a lot of back story is missing, since the prologue mentions that Chaos already released the two from Giovanni before, and readers don't know why Giovanni even wanted them. Why would he stretch his resources to Hoenn when he's already got Kanto and Johto covered with their own Legendary Pokemon to destroy the world. It wouldn't make sense for him to stretch out his team, especially if the Champion of all the regions was around. Chaos could find him anywhere.

Quote:
Chaos had summoned Celebi, taking him to the future.
Why would Chaos do that? Why not keep Giovanni in the same time era so she could keep watch over him? Why send him into the future where technology's better, or where Chaos might not even be around to help? She doesn't know what the future would be like. As I said, she can't even be sure that she would be around in ten years, since she's traveling all over the world anything could happen to her. Ten years is a long time.

Not only that, but how could she let people know that there's a crime lord suddenly appearing from the past who had control over several Legendary Pokemon? How could she let anyone know to keep an eye on Giovanni, except for future!Chaos herself? And if that's the case, why not keep him in the present time where it would be easier to do because the world currently knows about him and would be willing to help. In ten years, that's history to them, especially if Giovanni suddenly disappeared and wasn't a threat anymore.

It's also questionable why she would keep him in a cave in the middle of nowhere. I guess a Lucario is watching Giovanni, but even that's not enough. There are certainly police officers in cities that could help keep a better eye on Giovanni. Not to mention that a high-security prison is a better place to hold a man who apparently succeeded in destroying the world.

I'm also wondering why Chaos is there to welcome the new trainers of Pallet Town. There are starting trainers from each professor's lab in every region, and in every town in every region. They all don't just start in Pallet/New Bark/Littleroot/etc. Why would Chaos take time out to greet these three, especially considering she's the Champion of every region and is apparently committed to stopping the evil teams of the regions. Being around these three trainers puts a target on their backs as they stand next to the Champion that perhaps every evil team in the world wants to attack.

It doesn't even make sense that these three new trainers are in the story itself. They don't do anything against Team Rocket. They can't do anything against the Rockets as their Pokemon are very young and inexperienced. And they also disappear by the next chapter because they're just so unimportant. They can't help Chaos, and are only a hindrance because she has to worry about them in the battles. And she doesn't even worry about them anyhow, so it makes the whole thing a moot point because the kids disappear in a paragraph's length of time.

Speaking of the battle, it doesn't say much for the Champion of all the regions to lose to three Pokemon and maybe a handful of Zubats. She's supposedly strong enough to take out the Elite of at least five regions. Elite trainers that the evil teams are afraid of for being stronger than them. It doesn't make sense that the strongest trainer in all the world gets beaten easily by Rocket members (especially if you want to consider that in the games, they're easily beaten by a ten-year-old kid).

And I'll just say that in several canons, Mewtwo escaped on his own. He didn't need the help of humans to escape from Team Rocket's labs. (Except for in the anime short, but he had the reason that he didn't want to fight anyone. Before that though, he was very willing to kill anyone.)

Now before I get to the specific quotable mechanics, I'll continue to cover the general stuff. Namely description. One reason why this was very confusing was because there was no description. Not only of what was going on, but the characters themselves and their motivations. If you took the time to explain what's going on, then there would be less questions about the plot.

Also, describe your battles. In Pokemon stories especially, with ones like this, battles are where the excitement comes from. They're your action scenes. Don't brush over them. You could make the second chapter more exciting if you wrote out the battles. This way, readers could see that Chaos is very dependable as a trainer and believable as a Champion. Without writing out the battle and just saying that the Rockets won, readers are left to question how Chaos could possibly be strong enough to dominate the Leagues in several regions.

Without this description and narration, the chapters are very lacking. Your chapter two is only two paragraphs long. It could easily be stretched out to a few pages with just the battle being written out. (Come on, three Rocket Pokemon and a Champion who most likely has six strong Pokemon? There's plenty of action to write about there.) Never mind that you could raise the stakes and make the reader want to continue on by placing scenes of the other Rocket stealing the orbs during the battle. Taking the time to write that out would again help to lengthen your chapter and make it much more satisfying to read.

Now for any quotes of things to fix.

Quote:
Chaos had locked him away 10 years ago. Halfway between Kanto and Johto in a cave.
These two sentences should be one, and generally it's advised to write out numbers under 100, so it would be "ten".

Quote:
Mewtwo was taken off him.
"away from" instead of "off"

Quote:
"Welcome back, Giovanni," said the Rocket executives..
Quote:
"Please can I choose first?" asked the boy Darren and grabbed Squirtle's pokeball. Charlotte took Charmander and Liberty took Bulbasaur.
Quote:
They spun around, startled, and a Toxicroak emerged, followed by a green-haired woman.
Quote:
revealing a Sandslash followed by a green-haired man
Quote:
On two pedestals were the orbs of Kyogre and Groudon.
Quote:
It unleashed a powerful solarbeam, smashing Toxicroak through the wall at Arcanine's feet! Chaos ran through the door - in time to see Giovanni fly away astride Crobat!
Wait, did Giovanni just leave his Arcanine behind?

This felt very rushed. There are many questions related to the plot, some of which could be explained by taking the time to narrate the story. Don't rush through the story. Rushing through the story accomplishes nothing but confusing the reader and turning them away from this story. Take the time to write out what's important, giving your reader time to learn what's happening and taking care of any questions they could possibly have.

Quote:
It is set 10 years after the 6th story. I have not released the others anywhere yet.
Though maybe if you released the other stories in order, that might help? Then we'd have the back story to Chaos and Giovanni needed to understand this story. And if you didn't want to release them in order, at least take the time to catch the reader up to what's happening.
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Old July 15th, 2012, 01:40 PM
docowocool
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Thanks for the review Astinus! I have delayed chap3 as am updating section 1. I will now adress your problemos.

What with Chaos confusing you... well... she basically is the top goal after 5 champs you beat N and Leaf then fail at Chaos. She is sposed to have identitity problems... you should see her having 7 badges in Kanto and not having a trainer card. Yes, she is alien. What with her being weak, she only used a few pokemon, not even her strongest. She has a team of 6 for battles that's never with her...

Oak has the orbs cause he used to fill Chaos's position and is the 4th strongest trainer. He happens to control the orbs and... I wouldn't have stolen orbs if they were in the hall of fame.

Giovnni was locked there by Celebi because the cave was guarded by LUcario AND sealed. These things need to be possible... He wanted the dragons cause he wants to destroy th world. Lets jut say magma and aqua were branchs of team rocket. The rest is up to the reader. I will take in advice though for the edit.
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  #6    
Old July 15th, 2012, 02:36 PM
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All of those things should have already been explained in the story. If there's something different about your characters, it should be mentioned in the narration somehow. Since you didn't mention anything about Chaos being different from normal human beings in the story, the readers assume that she is normal and ask questions. Just like with her having weaker Pokemon. Mention that in any way in the story. Even just have her say "Oh darn, I don't have my best Pokemon with me."

When your readers start your fic, they go in expecting it to have some basis on the world (or "canon") that they already know. If you want to change some things from how they are in canon, that's okay, but you really need to explain it. Like with Oak being one of the strongest trainers. Canon says that Oak doesn't battle anymore. He's more focused on his studies. Changing him in your story from what the reader knows requires explanation. Why would Oak pick up battling again? Why are Magma and Aqua operating under Rocket when canon says that Magma and Aqua are their own teams?

While it's nice to know that some questions have answers, it's better to already have had this explained in the story.
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Old July 15th, 2012, 03:31 PM
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This to me looks like an outline for a story or a rough draft. I write stuff like this when I have an idea for a story or scene. It's confusing at first glance to other readers, but to me it makes sense. The mod already went through in depth, but I have to agree, take your time. You can't rush stories, even if you are excited about them.


Ask yourself the appropriate questions, this is how your story is made. Explore your own story. There's a lot of things you can get into.




This holds lots of potential, but you really disappointed me with the execution of the actual story. Hopefully you can make a comeback, I'll be watching. LOL

Good luck.
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Old July 15th, 2012, 11:02 PM
docowocool
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Thanks again for (another) review Astinus. Oh and DarkIceForever I am planning edits so that it is longer and improved.

I am away for (another) week so I won't post or edit then ;( I promise that when I am back you will have some big juicy edits and (maybe) chapter 3.
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  #9    
Old July 20th, 2012, 03:29 AM
docowocool
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I have finished my rewrites of prologue and chapter 1 and am posting the prologue now! They are being edited into first posts (since they are rewrites)
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Last edited by docowocool; July 20th, 2012 at 03:42 AM.
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  #10    
Old July 21st, 2012, 12:22 PM
docowocool
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Right, since you all want back story...

Chapter 0.5

Chaos sat down at Mt. Silver, snow biting her legs, hair flying everywhere. She called out her first pokemn, Venusaur, remembering the day Oak gave it to her...

The younger Chaos strutted through Oak's door, her purple hair flying around. Every inch of her was untidy, from her messy hair, her old pokeball top, jeans with holes... While Oak was busy, she quickly changed into a pink dress. Quickly, Oak spun round, pokeball in hand. In those days, he was the strongest trainer. Is looks were not fitting of his title. He wore a scruffy mop haircut, a stained lab coat and a pokeball belt. His partner pokemon, Alakazam, stood beside him, operating bewildering computer programs. "A pokemon eh..." he said aloud, studying Haos intently. "Here take it!" he decided eventually, "Now out of my lab!" he shouted, snapping Chaos out of her trance. She wandered through the door, Oak wasn't in a good mood.

She clicked open her pokeball, wondering what was inside. A brilliant white light shone across the street, revealing a Bulbasaur. The bulb on it's back was wilting and it's eyes were drooped. It lazily climbed back into it's pokebal. Chaos realized that she had no pokedex or pokeballs, so she went back inside. Oak threw them at her, slamming the door in her face. She wandered back home, along Route 1...

Chaos snapped out of her slumber, all that was years ago! Shehad fallen asleep on Mt. Silver! Her badge case was lying open on the floor, the badge that had been Oak's sliding out. She had beaten Oak, becoming the badge disrobuter and champion. Her eyes slowly shut again...

She wa standing in Oak's lab, battling him, the champion of all. It was a one on one battle. Chaos sent out her Genesect, replied with an astounded Oak sending forth his Alakazam. Genesect shot forth, the first to move, slashing Alakazam with metal claw, but becoming confused by a confuse ray. Alakazam circled Genesect, hitting it with psybeams. Genesect replied with a mass of bug buzz, some hitting Alakazam and some hitting itself. Both pokemon were lying on the floor, still awake. Genesect used it's final chance, using a powerful metal claw, making Alakazam collapse on the floor. Oak collapse on his hands and knees, sobbing. "You have defeated me, take the championship and be on your way!" he shouted, running off to his room.

Chaos woke up again, so many memories... She had to face 8 gym leaders of each region, then their elite four, then their champion, then the next region, until she had beaten all five regions! Then, there was a shot at the champion, but not any more, one had to beat N and Leaf before facing cHaos. Oak had given up battling, only battling for the safety of the world. His job being professor and looking after the orbs. Chaos jolted upright, that was right, she had to be at Oaks in ten minutes! He was friendlier now, that was for sure. She sent out her Pidgeot, and flew away.

There you go, a little xtra while I rewrite, set before chapter 1.
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  #11    
Old July 22nd, 2012, 02:39 AM
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As requested, a review.

There's still a lot of work to do to make sure that the story makes sense, and although you say you're still doing rewrites I can't say that the 0.5 chapter there answered much more; and furthermore it raised more questions in itself.

A few problems I have is with your characterisation. Oak being snappy and slamming doors and throwing things... just does not sit well with me. He has been established in multiple canons to be a kind and patient man so him acting like that, as well as taking a loss so badly later on, doesn't add up. With fanfiction when you use canon characters the reader has expectations for how they act, what they do, etc, so if they don't act like their established character then there needs to be either a very good explanation for that, or you might as well use your own character instead.

I'm still confused on Chaos - they're an alien of some sort, but besides that I don't know anything about her personality, what she's doing, etc. I'm a bit confused too as to why she had a clothing change in Oak's lab; what purpose does that serve the story? And why does she have a Genesect, a rare event Pokemon? Or Celebi? Sure, they're cool to have, but it's hard to believe that there's this alien as the main character who has multiple legendary Pokemon without any clear reason for what that is so.

It's also a lot of work to do with spelling and grammar. Nearly on every line there's at least one mistake, many of it simple things that would be picked up by spell and grammar checks (they're in word or online as well) which should be the bare minimum done before posting, along with a read-over yourself after writing. Without it though what can be seen include a lack of spaces between words, a lot of it's/its confusion (its is possessive, and it's means it is), and multiple mispellings of the main character's name. Take the time to use spell checks and to proofread before posting as these mistakes are fairly simple to catch and distract from the story.

This may work out, the story's premise, but it would need a lot more work and time. I don't really have much more to add to that besides what Astinus already said about it all. Good luck with the story; take the time with edits and maybe rethink the story and why things happen. If the reader cannot understand why various things are as they are too much then it's just plain hard to believe.
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Old July 22nd, 2012, 08:23 AM
docowocool
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Thank you bobandbill,it is helpful that you provided feedback. Oak is a snappy character because SPOILERS, Chaos doesn't own Celebi and in this context, I'm using Genesect as a NON-legendary pokemon that Chaos found but no-one else has. Chaos is connected to Celebi in some way through her crystal, no more on this for now because of spoilers. As for the spelling and grammar mistakes, I will take time to edit them soon. I type on a kindle or mobile so I can't really do all that. Thanks again for your review.

Docowocool
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Old July 22nd, 2012, 09:15 PM
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Simply changing Genesect to a non-legend is not really going to cut it imo. It's been established canonically to be legendary. And even if it was common; it's an extremely powerful Pokemon on par with the other legendary Pokemon too, and as it's hinted there's only one of them made you've going to either really have a really good explanation/s for it or have to go with some reader disbelief. 'In this context' doesn't explain it yet because...well, it doesn't make it clear in the story (something Astinus stated earlier) and I've no idea how it could be not classified as at least a rare unique Pokemon if not legendary (which it is canonically).

As for explaining later... well, that's another risk. That may be true and all but I'm already wondering 'why is ____' for many things, and for there to be so many currently unexplained to the degree of there being an alien with connections to two legendary Pokemon, an out-of-character Oak and so forth I'd be wary of leaving too much for later.
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Old July 23rd, 2012, 02:19 AM
docowocool
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Quote:
Simply changing Genesect to a non-legend is not really going to cut it imo. It's been established canonically to be legendary. And even if it was common; it's an extremely powerful Pokemon on par with the other legendary Pokemon too, and as it's hinted there's only one of them made you've going to either really have a really good explanation/s for it or have to go with some reader disbelief. 'In this context' doesn't explain it yet because...well, it doesn't make it clear in the story (something Astinus stated earlier) and I've no idea how it could be not classified as at least a rare unique Pokemon if not legendary (which it is canonically).
Well, bobandbill, I never said Genesect was common. "Legendary" technically means it's a "legend". Genesect is not a legend, therefore, in this story, by my logic, it is not legendary.

Quote:
As for explaining later... well, that's another risk. That may be true and all but I'm already wondering 'why is ____' for many things, and for there to be so many currently unexplained to the degree of there being an alien with connections to two legendary Pokemon, an out-of-character Oak and so forth I'd be wary of leaving too much for later.
Well, explaining later is a good idea, because, I don't want to spend chapters inserting useless details and, I don't want to spoil some things for my readers. As explained earlier, Genesect is not legendary, so Chaos only has "control" over one "legendary" pokemon, Celebi, which she hasn't caught. In adition, she is connected to Celebi, not "control" over it. With an "out of character Oak" let's just say, I have a good storyline for this, and is only in the first few stories. I differ from canon in many places because it makes it interesting.
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  #15    
Old July 28th, 2012, 04:24 AM
docowocool
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Just release the rewrites of Chapter 2, I hope you enjoy them. Chapter three is nearly finished. Just needs typing up.n Once again, I would like some mre reviews. Thank you for reading.
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  #16    
Old July 28th, 2012, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
Well, bobandbill, I never said Genesect was common. "Legendary" technically means it's a "legend". Genesect is not a legend, therefore, in this story, by my logic, it is not legendary.
That made no sense. You disregarded bobandbill's post almost entirely. His point was that Genesect isn't your regular Pokemon. First, it's artificial. It was made through science, so there are a few enhancements on Genesect to begin with. That, by itself, already tells you that it's not an ordinary Pokemon. It has those advantages being slightly mechanical, so releasing that into any ecosystem would screw it over entirely. Besides, they way you described Geneset (a Pokemon never before seen by anyone else) tells me that it's a legendary anyway. You're ignoring that some legendary Pokemon aren't just 'legends' or however you put it. In the anime, they have a ton of legendary Pokemon running around, like Tobias has two of them, yet they're still considered legendary.

On the other hand, Mewtwo doesn't have a legend, so it's not a legendary by your standards? It has virtually the same backstory as Genesect does - made by an evil team to be the strongest Pokemon alive.

Quote:
Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
Well, explaining later is a good idea, because, I don't want to spend chapters inserting useless details and, I don't want to spoil some things for my readers. As explained earlier, Genesect is not legendary, so Chaos only has "control" over one "legendary" pokemon, Celebi, which she hasn't caught. In adition, she is connected to Celebi, not "control" over it.
No, explaining later is a terrible idea. If so many people are asking why in the beginning, they'll be forced to continue to ask why until you do explain it. That's a long wait, apparently. And if people are asking about them, how are they 'useless details?' You've already had reviews talking about how confusing this was. I don't see how they can spoil the story, because as of now, they seem to be necessary to understand what's going on. Unless your plot hinges on explaining things (which isn't a strong plot), then you should take the time to explain things.

You seem to have contradicted yourself with Chaos, since you said she controls Celebi, then you say she doesn't because she's only connected. This definitely needs some sort of clarification. I don't see how being connected to something automatically gives you control over a Pokemon. Unless you mean Chaos somehow convinced Celebi by saving it from a pack of Houndoom, so that Celebi will transport Chaos everywhere.

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Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
With an "out of character Oak" let's just say, I have a good storyline for this, and is only in the first few stories. I differ from canon in many places because it makes it interesting.
If you differ from canon, what's the point of using canon characters? You're pushing canon aside. What you're doing is establishing your own characters, except they have the same appearance of the canon ones. That's pointless and baseless. If you're going to use canon characters out of character, at least take the time to tell the readers why they're acting like that in the first place. Differing from canon is fine as long as it's explained; as it is, I can't say it made the story much better at all, nor did it make it interesting for me. Slapping on canon names and not using their personalities bugs me. And just because you have a 'good storyline' doesn't mean you can do whatever you want with the Pokemon world's canon without explaining anything.

I know Astinus already mentioned this, so I'll pretty much echo him here, but your battles need a bit of work. The Pokemon world relies on battles - it's what they do. Pokemon are the big craze there. Battling is their top sport or event. They build stadiums, Leagues, and even Pokemon Centers to aid all trainers who wish to battle. It's their top entertainment. In short, battles are important. They aren't just Pokemon punching each other in the face. It isn't Pokemon simply attacking each other. Battles are thought out. Have you ever played any sort of sport? Whether it's a team sport or not, competitive sports tend to involve a lot of strategy and attitude from the players. Battling is no exception. Trainers have to be able to think in battles to come up with strategies to win. Pokemon have to be able to follow their orders to the letter, otherwise they'll screw up whatever their trainer had in mind.

Chapter 0.5 had a battle with Professor Oak, which was another Championship battle. Again, that's a huge deal. The battle was summarized into a paragraph, the scene described by their attacks. There is little notice of how Chaos feels, other than that she probably doesn't care? I can't exactly tell. You have to do something more with the battles rather than calling out attacks. This is where you start describing things in a decent amount of detail, because battles are hard to visualize as it is.
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Old July 28th, 2012, 09:30 AM
docowocool
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Psyniac or however you spell it, thanks for your informatie review.

First, with the Genesect thing, Chaos found i and caught it. She doesnt know whether it is legendary. With Celebi, the story is a follows. Chaos is walking down Route 4 in Kanto with her Ivysaur and Adabra. A flash of green (celebi) flys past her anddrops a green crystal, Chaos picks it up. Years later, Chaos is wearing the crystal in her ncklace and just beat Giovanni. She accidentally drops the crystal when sheisfingering it, and Celebi appears, taking Giovanni to the cave. Out of character Oaks. Well, I like little changes from canon. It is an underlying mystery of vital importance for the first few stories, so no spoilrs. With the battles, well thats just my style of writing, I cant write in anoter way. I wil try and improve on all of your points though, and once again, thanks for your review.

Everyone eagerly awaiting chapter three, chapter 2 was rewritten today, but chapter three is number 2 on my list of things to do on fanfic and writing. Number 1 is rewrite chapter 2 of Greys Journey. All of you waiting for that, it will be there soon.
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  #18    
Old July 28th, 2012, 07:43 PM
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Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
First, with the Genesect thing, Chaos found i and caught it. She doesnt know whether it is legendary.
So she just found this one-of-a-kind Pokemon walking around somewhere, caught it somehow, and didn't try to figure out what it was? Like psyanic said, Genesect is a one-of-a-kind Pokemon. Someone finding it (who didn't work on creating it) would be confused by it and try to find out where it came from and what it does. Or at least trying to figure out where this ancient Pokemon suddenly came from with a super-powered cannon on its back.

Quote:
Well, explaining later is a good idea, because, I don't want to spend chapters inserting useless details and, I don't want to spoil some things for my readers.
Again like psyanic said, if readers are confused about something, it's not a useless detail. Also, if readers get too confused by your story, they'll stop reading completely. You can withhold some information, but you can't keep everything away from your readers and hope they don't notice.

Quote:
Out of character Oaks. Well, I like little changes from canon. It is an underlying mystery of vital importance for the first few stories
If it's a mystery, have the characters remark on it. Like have someone say "why is Oak acting so completely different?" Have characters react to his change. You can have little changes from canon, but have real good reasons for it. Oak's personality can change if the world he lives in is completely different, or if something happened in his life to change him. But if everything in the world is exactly the same except for your character (who's beginning to sound a little too unbelievable) and Oak's personality (and him being a battler), then it's unexplainable why you did those things, especially if they're treated as normal.

It's canon. The canon world has rules. You can bend the rules within good reason (like an event in Oak's life that changes his personality), but it needs to be explained. With your fic, nothing is. There's a character who's an alien, who catches rare Pokemon without explanation or reason, is chosen by rare Pokemon, stops every crime, and is champion of five regions. Oak's personality is completely changed from how we know him, and he's the strongest trainer in the world, which is another complete change because canon establishes Oak as someone who doesn't battle.

Take the time to explain things. Set up your world, don't confuse your reader.
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  #19    
Old August 3rd, 2012, 10:20 PM
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Wow, ton of information going on here! There isn't room for me anywhere. Ah, I'm going to be brutally honest and I hate being rude, but It seems that your a bit, well, ignorant. You ask for reviews but your not making much improvement at all. (You have a mod and former mod helping you out. Don't be so ambiguous with the whole Genesect thing.)

But in short and I'm going out on a limb here but it seems your story is just plain bad. Now don't take it personally. I'm not here to insult, but honesty is my best policy. Your main character, Chaos, is a Mary-Sue. That means she's almighty and powerful. Which is unrealistic and unheard of. I mean she seems like a god here. That just serves to annoy readers.

The next thing that really 'grinds my gears' is that she's the champion of five regions! What? That's just fine for YOUR taste, but not mine, or anyone else for that matter. I don't want to read about an overly powerful character who beats everyone up and has access to some of the poke world's legendary and rare pokemon. You better have a very good explanation for Chaos even having a Genesect. A very good explanation makes doubters like me follow you. Like Psyanic said, Team Plasma argumented that ancient pokemon. So suffice to say is that there is only ONE Genesect. Which means Team Plasma should be questioning how one of thier top secret projects is being used by some random girl or why it's just out in the wild like some Bidoof. (See that's an a example of diving deeper into a event.)

That's like having some dude use Mewtwo for battles. It's extremely rare and very unheard of, never mind the legend classification. Other than that this story is just plain bad. I absolutely like some of the ideas, but they only work to entertain you and annoy others. If you don't want to sound absurd I suggest you begin doing your homework.

And now I'm just repeating what everyone else said...But we are all here to help and express a judgment. Sorry if it was harsh,nothing is ever personal with me, but I guess that's what you call tough love, right?

I will keep an eye on your work and look forward to your improvement.

Last edited by DarkIceForever; August 3rd, 2012 at 10:25 PM. Reason: Period.
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  #20    
Old August 7th, 2012, 08:21 AM
docowocool
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OK, two reviews while I was inactive - great. Anyway, Astinus first.

Astinus,
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by docowocool
First, with the Genesect thing, Chaos found i and caught it. She doesnt know whether it is legendary.
So she just found this one-of-a-kind Pokemon walking around somewhere, caught it somehow, and didn't try to figure out what it was? Like psyanic said, Genesect is a one-of-a-kind Pokemon. Someone finding it (who didn't work on creating it) would be confused by it and try to find out where it came from and what it does. Or at least trying to figure out where this ancient Pokemon suddenly came from with a super-powered cannon on its back.
Chaos was on Mt. Silver, training her Machamp, when she saw a Pokemon she didn't recognise. Her Machamp attacks it, gets thrown backwards, and Venusaur hits with a Solarbeam. Chaos throws a bunch of Ultra Balls, and catches a new Pokemon! There is no proof that it is legendary.


Quote:
Quote:
Well, explaining later is a good idea, because, I don't want to spend chapters inserting useless details and, I don't want to spoil some things for my readers.
Again like psyanic said, if readers are confused about something, it's not a useless detail. Also, if readers get too confused by your story, they'll stop reading completely. You can withhold some information, but you can't keep everything away from your readers and hope they don't notice.
Yes, but most (if not all) of the info is in other stories, and I don't want to spoil them for the reader. I will make an effort to try and include more though.

Quote:
Quote:
Out of character Oaks. Well, I like little changes from canon. It is an underlying mystery of vital importance for the first few stories If it's a mystery, have the characters remark on it. Like have someone say "why is Oak acting so completely different?" Have characters react to his change. You can have little changes from canon, but have real good reasons for it. Oak's personality can change if the world he lives in is completely different, or if something happened in his life to change him. But if everything in the world is exactly the same except for your character (who's beginning to sound a little too unbelievable) and Oak's personality (and him being a battler), then it's unexplainable why you did those things, especially if they're treated as normal.

It's canon. The canon world has rules. You can bend the rules within good reason (like an event in Oak's life that changes his personality), but it needs to be explained. With your fic, nothing is. There's a character who's an alien, who catches rare Pokemon without explanation or reason, is chosen by rare Pokemon, stops every crime, and is champion of five regions. Oak's personality is completely changed from how we know him, and he's the strongest trainer in the world, which is another complete change because canon establishes Oak as someone who doesn't battle.
Yes, but in my story, Oak has always been like that, he changes to the Oak he is today soon after Caaos beats him, in another story.

Quote:
Take the time to explain things. Set up your world, don't confuse your reader.
I will, and thanks for your review.

DarkIceForever next.

Quote:
Wow, ton of information going on here! There isn't room for me anywhere. Ah, I'm going to be brutally honest and I hate being rude, but It seems that your a bit, well, ignorant. You ask for reviews but your not making much improvement at all. (You have a mod and former mod helping you out. Don't be so ambiguous with the whole Genesect thing.)
Um, OK. I'll improve when I have the time.

Quote:
But in short and I'm going out on a limb here but it seems your story is just plain bad. Now don't take it personally. I'm not here to insult, but honesty is my best policy. Your main character, Chaos, is a Mary-Sue. That means she's almighty and powerful. Which is unrealistic and unheard of. I mean she seems like a god here. That just serves to annoy readers.
Um, well, Chaos worked for it, she didn't go out and randomly find a Master Ball, catch Genesect, and beat up everyone. She went out, with a [spoiler] almost dead Bulbasaur and a few pokeballs] and caught some low level pokemon! [spoiler] she trained and trained before her Bulbasaur evolved, becoming stronger] now thats enough with spoilers.

Quote:
The next thing that really 'grinds my gears' is that she's the champion of five regions! What? That's just fine for YOUR taste, but not mine, or anyone else for that matter. I don't want to read about an overly powerful character who beats everyone up and has access to some of the poke world's legendary and rare pokemon. You better have a very good explanation for Chaos even having a Genesect. A very good explanation makes doubters like me follow you. Like Psyanic said, Team Plasma argumented that ancient pokemon. So suffice to say is that there is only ONE Genesect. Which means Team Plasma should be questioning how one of thier top secret projects is being used by some random girl or why it's just out in the wild like some Bidoof. (See that's an a example of diving deeper into a event.)
Right, why is everyone going on about past events, they are for other stories! There is chapters on this planned guys, why here?

Quote:
That's like having some dude use Mewtwo for battles. It's extremely rare and very unheard of, never mind the legend classification. Other than that this story is just plain bad. I absolutely like some of the ideas, but they only work to entertain you and annoy others. If you don't want to sound absurd I suggest you begin doing your homework.
Lets just say, in the games, you can catch Mewtwo. Now, I will tell people, but in other stories!

Quote:
And now I'm just repeating what everyone else said...But we are all here to help and express a judgment. Sorry if it was harsh,nothing is ever personal with me, but I guess that's what you call tough love, right?

I will keep an eye on your work and look forward to your improvement.
Well, thanks for your time.

Everyone awaiting a new chapter, I am absurdly busy, and have no working computer, so I have no idea when the next chapter will appear, rest assured, however, that I haven't forgotten about my fics, and will get typing as soon as I have a computer.
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  #21    
Old August 7th, 2012, 01:12 PM
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Quote:
Spoiler:
Chaos was on Mt. Silver, training her Machamp, when she saw a Pokemon she didn't recognise. Her Machamp attacks it, gets thrown backwards, and Venusaur hits with a Solarbeam. Chaos throws a bunch of Ultra Balls, and catches a new Pokemon! There is no proof that it is legendary.
Spoiler:
That's still kind of unbelievable. Not only is Genesect really strong to start with (otherwise Plasma wouldn't be interested in it), but Plasma also made it stronger than it originally was. It wouldn't just sit there while Pokemon attack it. It would blow poo poo up as it fought back.

Not to mention that it's Bug/Steel, which wouldn't be beaten easily by one Solarbeam. Both types are resistant to Grass attacks. Fighting would do some damage, but one attack from each shouldn't just knock it out.

As for it "not being legendary":

Quote:
Legendary Pokémon are a group of incredibly rare and often very powerful Pokémon.
Quote:
A second, 幻のポケモン maboroshi no Pokémon, literally "illusory Pokémon", refers to Pokémon seen so rarely, such as Mew, that some question their very existence.
Quote:
Genesect was revived from a Fossil and technologically enhanced by Team Plasma to create the most powerful Pokémon ever.
There's only one Genesect, revived from a fossil, created to be extremely powerful. It's rarely seen, and most of the world doesn't believe it exists. There would have to be stories about it for Plasma to even be interested in it (like Rocket with Mew).

There's proof that it's legendary. The creators say that it is. Show me proof that it's not legendary, and you'll have a case. Just saying that it isn't does not count as proof.


Quote:
Yes, but most (if not all) of the info is in other stories, and I don't want to spoil them for the reader.
Quote:
This is the 1st story i my series of fics using a characr called Chaos. It is set 10 years after the 6th story.
If the rest of the information found in the other stories is necessary to begin to understand this one, you should either write in the backstory or post your stories in order. You said that this one is the sixth story in the series. You can either put this one aside and work on the first one, or rewrite this one to include the necessary information so your readers aren't confused and this story can stand more on its own.

Quote:
Yes, but in my story, Oak has always been like that, he changes to the Oak he is today soon after Caaos beats him, in another story.
So you change a character's personality and it doesn't get fixed until your character can change him. Is there a story reason why this is written this way?

Quote:
Right, why is everyone going on about past events, they are for other stories! There is chapters on this planned guys, why here?
Because those events have bearing on this story. We get confused by something in this story, you say it's explained in another one and won't tell us the answer. We're still confused. Which is why we keep bringing it up.

Quote:
Lets just say, in the games, you can catch Mewtwo.
In the games you can also catch God and creator of the universe and use it to smack around Magikarp.

In other words, you shouldn't really use the games to explain away any unrealistic ideas. Take a look at the anime or the Special manga to see where others get their ideas how legendaries should be handled. I know that in the anime, if you catch a legendary, the world nearly ends. The games have a little trouble of not being realistic. That was one of the jokes about HG/SS, where the player could wander around with Arceus and no one cares.

But in fanfiction, you want to aim for realism the best that you can. If your character is wandering around with one or two or three Pokemon told about only in legends, people should seriously react.
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  #22    
Old August 7th, 2012, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Astinus View Post

In the games you can also catch God and creator of the universe and use it to smack around Magikarp.

In other words, you shouldn't really use the games to explain away any unrealistic ideas. Take a look at the anime or the Special manga to see where others get their ideas how legendaries should be handled. I know that in the anime, if you catch a legendary, the world nearly ends. The games have a little trouble of not being realistic. That was one of the jokes about HG/SS, where the player could wander around with Arceus and no one cares.

But in fanfiction, you want to aim for realism the best that you can. If your character is wandering around with one or two or three Pokemon told about only in legends, people should seriously react.
I don't think this was worthy of another post, but I think this could help as well and it only reinforces Astinus's point. In a fan fiction I wrote a few months ago (that i didn't post) I was going to have a couple of scientists search for legendary pokemon eggs. Then I struck a problem. Legendary pokemon don't have a gender! I'm not too sure about a genderless Pokemon, but I'm pretty sure the game developers made it that way so people wouldn't breed hoards of legends. For instance I find it incredibly difficult to believe Lugia have no gender in the GAME because in the ANIME Team Rocket tries to steal a baby Lugia away from its mother.

In real life there is no such thing as a genderless living thing unless it's microscopic life or some marine organisms. Things start getting complicated because we get into stuff that replicates itself to breed, such as cells.
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