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  #1    
Old July 21st, 2012 (01:24 AM). Edited July 23rd, 2012 by Nolafus.
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Here's a story about a boy named Nick starting out as a pokemon trainer. Comment on how you like the story so far as well with what you think should change or be added. Stay tuned for chapter updates. The story is hid behind a spoiler for length reasons.
Nick's Unova
Spoiler:


Chapter 1

The light streamed through the window and gently splashed on my face casting a golden hue all across my room. I looked at my clock.

"Alright," I said to myself, "it's only 6:45. Still fifteen minutes till my alarm goes off."

I rolled over and tried to fall asleep, but for some reason I couldn't. I always could before, but today didn't seem ordinary. Then it hit me, today wasn't an ordinary day. Today is the day I start out on my journey. I shot out of bed and started to race to the kitchen, but I reminded myself to keep calm.

"I don't want today to be rushed, just perfect, just perfect," I kept repeating in my head.

Everything seemed different today, not a bad different, but a good different. A magical different. I stepped into the kitchen and all my family and friends shouted "Congratulations!" I was taken by surprise as everyone tried to get their word in huddling close around me. I just had to smile and laugh. This was my family after all, my crazy, wonderful family.

I grabbed my backpack that was sitting next to the front door, where it had been waiting since last night. Ready for the big day. I took a step outside and the sun's warmth wrapped all around me as I took off for the lab. The lab that would be host to my first pokemon. I walked through the trail my heartbeat growing louder with each step. I see the pokemon lab in the distance and my stomach nearly flipped inside-out.

I took a step inside and the waiting room greeted me with white walls and a linoleum floor. I walked up to a counter to the left and a young man wearing a lab coat and jeans greeted me.

"Hey Nick! Today is the big day, huh?" he asked.

"I guess so Mr. Smith," I answered "How's the whole apprentice thing working out? Anything interesting?".

"Ahh, nothing too exciting. Just take a seat and Professor Juniper will be with you shortly." Mr. Smith said, motioning to one of many seats located on the other side of the room.

I walked over thankful to take a seat for fear of my legs giving out.

"Why am I so nervous?" I just had to ask myself, "I already decided to chose tepig, I looked up everything and tepig is definitely the right choice."

I hardly had time to calm down before two doors in front of me opened to reveal Professor Juniper wheeling a cart toward me with three pokeballs placed in the middle.

"Alright Nicholas," Professor Juniper began, "Today is the day you get to choose your first pokemon. Training a pokemon is a big responsibility and remember to."

I guess I spaced out for the rest of her little speech because before I knew it she opened the three pokeballs and out popped three pokemon as she gave a description of each.

"First we have the water type Oshawott." Oshawott stood up as tall as it could obviously trying to make itself seem imposing with its hands propped at its hips.

"Secondly we have the fire type Tepig." Tepig stood up on its hind legs and playfully shook its hooves at me.

"Last and not least, we have the grass type Snivy." Snivy looked at me dead in the eye and crossed its arms.

"Go ahead and choose." Professor Juniper told me "Just remember to take your time."

I studied each one in turn thinking, "Oshawott looks tough, but people who act tough generally have a low self esteem so I wonder if that's the same with pokemon. If it is I don't want to have to reassure it every five minutes. I know I was going to choose Tepig, but it just seems a little too childish. Almost as if I'm going to have to babysit it every day. I want a tepig, but not that tepig. Down to Snivy. Snivy seems confident, but too confident? It might be arrogant as well and I don't like arrogant people. I don't know."

I stood there for about two minutes thinking long and hard. I finally chose one, turned to Professor Juniper and said, "I choose Snivy." Snivy closed its eyes and smiled while Oshawott and Tepig just froze, unable to believe that they were turned down.

"Alright," Professor Juniper said, "Here's your pokedex and ten pokeballs to get you started. Have fun and don't forget about a word I said."

With that I walked outside with Snivy at my heels and stared at the sky.

"Well here goes nothing" I said to myself and started walking to the entrance to the first trail.

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  #2    
Old July 21st, 2012 (04:56 AM).
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I would suggest first of all to space it out, as in its current form it's just plain too hard to read. It's easy to get lost with who is saying what, and the wall of text isn't good for the eyes (especially given computer screens aren't great for it in the first place!).

The best way would be to make a line of spacing between each paragraph, and with that begin a new paragraph everytime someone else/different speaks. Once you have that it'll be easier to comment on the actual story. =p
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Old July 21st, 2012 (11:22 AM).
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I hope that's a little better. If it's still wrong can you give me an example then? This is my first time attempting something like this so any help would be appreciated.
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Old July 22nd, 2012 (06:50 AM).
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That looks much better already. I'd still add some line spacing between all of the paragraphs rather than just some of them for consistency's sake, and to not start a new paragraph *right* when dialogue starts; just the sentence when dialogue starts when someone else talks provided a paragraph hasn't yet started. E.g from this:
Quote:
I stood there for about two minutes thinking long and hard. I finally chose one, turned to professor Juniper and said
"I choose Snivy." Snivy closed its eyes and smiled while Oshawott and Tepig just froze, unable to believe that they were turned down.
"Alright," Professor Juniper said, "Here's your pokedex and ten pokeballs to get you started. Have fun and don't forget about a word I said."
to this:
Quote:
I stood there for about two minutes thinking long and hard. I finally chose one, turned to professor Juniper and said "I choose Snivy." Snivy closed its eyes and smiled while Oshawott and Tepig just froze, unable to believe that they were turned down.

"Alright," Professor Juniper said, "Here's your pokedex and ten pokeballs to get you started. Have fun and don't forget about a word I said."
Here's another example, but I'll go over some things first:
Quote:
I took a step inside and the waiting room greeted me. Greeted me with white walls and a linoleum floor. I walked up to a counter to the left and a young man wearing a lab coat and jeans greeted me.
"Hey Nick! Today is the big day huh?" He asked.
"I guess so Mr. Smith," I answered "How's the whole apprentice thing working out? Anything interesting?".
"Ahh, nothing too exciting. Just take a seat and Professor Juniper will be with you shortly." Mr. Smith said motioning to one of many seats located on the other side of the room.
The second sentence sounds a bit odd by itself and with 'greeted me' repeated; I feel it sounds better merged with the first sentence. Add in a full stop after 'Answered' too, given a new sentence starts with the following dialogue (reading alout anyway it seems the obvious option).

As with dialogue; only use full stops before the closing quotation mark if the sentence ends there (ie it doesn't get followed by 'said the man' or something like that which won't make sense as its own sentence). Along with that if you don't treat the two parts as separate, then don't use capitals right after the sentence.

To clarify; with '"Hey Nick! Today is the big day huh?" He asked. ', that 'He' should be a 'he' as 'He asked' doesn't work as its own sentence but rather is part of a sentence including the dialogue given it tells us who says it and how it was said. With the following line, don't use a full stop after shortly as 'Mr. Smith said, motioning to....the room.' sounds off as its own sentence and again flows on from the dialogue rather than being a standalone sentence (e.g. '"Hello." The cage fell.' are two separate sentences so here you can use the full stop).

Adding in a comma after 'said' and 'big day' to give a pause to narration and dialogue respectively as well, and removing the full stop after the second bit of dialogue (it's unnecessary) you end up with:
Quote:
I took a step inside and the waiting room greeted me with white walls and a linoleum floor. I walked up to a counter to the left and a young man wearing a lab coat and jeans greeted me.

"Hey Nick! Today is the big day, huh?" he asked.

"I guess so Mr. Smith," I answered "How's the whole apprentice thing working out? Anything interesting?"

"Ahh, nothing too exciting. Just take a seat and Professor Juniper will be with you shortly," Mr. Smith said, motioning to one of many seats located on the other side of the room.
Hope that helps. A couple other things:
Quote:
The light streamed through the window and gently splashed on my face casting a golden hue all across my room. I looked at my clock.
"Alright," I said to myself "it's only 6:45. Still fifteen minutes till my alarm goes off."
Need a comma after 'myself' there.
Quote:
I grabbed my backpack that was sitting next to the front door, where it had been laying for the past month all packed and ready.
A bag packed a full month beforehand sounds odd to me, particularly if it had food in it too.

There's some other typos too, but they're not too hard to spot; give it a proofread and also a spell/grammar check as well.

The story beginning is alright; nothing too different from the usual but I liked a few parts such as the description of the 'crazy, wonderful family' and how he spaced out during the speech. Just make sure that your journey fic will differ from the usual kind and the games in some way, as otherwise it may not make for a great plot if the reader's already seen it before.

Good luck with the rest of the fic!
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Old July 22nd, 2012 (11:38 AM).
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Alright, I think that should do it. Thanks for your help so far, it's been great.
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