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  #1    
Old July 22nd, 2012, 05:49 AM
oshawottic's Avatar
oshawottic
Calm as water of a river.
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Romania
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
It was a time of battle and destruction between Pokemon and humans,when people were sent in the forest to kill pokemon and torture them.

People were burning the Pokemon forests and every Pokemon was dieing in vain and sadness.

The world was in a war, everyone was struggling to get the power and the respect.

Once a boy was sent in the forest to find and torture his first pokemon but he was thinking , how can he do something like that?

Crying,his tears were pouring down in a small river until a little lovely pokemon jumped out of the water... yes, it was a cute , small Oshawott!

When they saw each other, Oshawott was really scared but the boy sang a lullaby for the little creature.

Oshawott was already felling better so he start approaching the boy until they were close to each other.

Oshawott offered his scalchop to the boy and they start hugging each other, they realised the strong bond between them, the strong connection of two parallel rivers from two different worlds with different traditions.

-Will they create a better world and show people that pokemon and humans should live together?-

...To be continued.

Last edited by oshawottic; July 22nd, 2012 at 04:20 PM.
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  #2    
Old July 22nd, 2012, 12:22 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
That world sounds like a lot of fun. Unfortunately, there are a lot of issues I have with how you delivered the world's situations, but I'll get to that later. First things first, how about some nitpicks?

Quote:
Originally Posted by oshawottic View Post
It was a time of battle and destruction between Pokemon and people,when children were sent in the forest to kill pokemon and torture them.People were burning the Pokemon forests and every Pokemon was dieing in vain and sadness.
You need to put in a space between your sentences, like what I'm doing here. See? There's a space between the period and the next word. You should fix that, otherwise it gets hard to read. In addition, you need spaces between your paragraphs.

Just like this. There's an extra space, so it's easier to read as well. You have no idea how hard it is to read a giant block of text.

Anyway, why are children forced to kill Pokemon? What's wrong with adults? Logically, adults would go out and shoot Pokemon rather than children, because adults are more capable and fit the bill. Children wouldn't kill Pokemon to begin with, if you think about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oshawottic View Post
Once a boy was sent in the forest to find and torture his first pokemon but he was thinking with his pure soul, how can he do something like this.
Yeah, this only adds to my reasoning about why adults should be doing the Pokemon-murdering rather than kids. That's a daunting task to put on ten year olds.

The second bolded bit (he was thinking with his pure soul) is a bit repetitive when you put it right next to 'how can he do something like this' (which needs a question at the ending punctuation rather than a period). When you introduce the thought of doubt for the child, it's implied that he is somewhat pure or has a standard of morality, which seems to be lacking for the rest of the population.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oshawottic View Post
Almost crying,his tears were pouring down in a small river untill a little lovely pokemon jumped out of the water... yes, it was a cute small Oshawott!
'Almost crying' doesn't mean he's crying. Take out the 'almost' so this sentence makes sense. And 'untill' is actually spelled as 'until.' Also, 'cute small' needs a comma in between them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oshawottic View Post
When they saw each other,they already felt the bonds between each other,it was the strong connection between two parallel rivers (the child with a pure white sould and the calm lovely Oshawott)
The bolded 'it' has a comma before it, which is grammatically incorrect. It actually needs to be a semi-colon or a period, because it separates two independent clauses. An independent clause is a single thought that can stand alone as its own sentence.

I don't see how they bonded almost immediately after seeing each other, because Oshawott would probably run away due to the current circumstances, and it's a bit hard to develop a bond with a complete stranger, especially with a stranger intent on torturing you.

'Sould' isn't a word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oshawottic View Post
they started loving each other more and more and created the bond of two in a single...To be continued.
'In a single' just sounds weird, because it sounds like you need an additional object. 'Into one' would be a nice change. Also, I have no idea why you said 'to be continued' because that's implied with the whole part 1 bit.

That aside, the world itself has a few problems, which is made worse because you don't explain anything. There needs to be more explanations, because people don't suddenly walk up and start stabbing Pokemon to torture them. Obviously, it's traditional, because the boy is forced to go into a forest, but you fail to explain that. There needs to be some sort of description or a background, otherwise, you'll just confuse readers. And you've already confused a reader, so yeah. With a lack of coherence in your story, you spurn a lot of readers away so they don't continue to read.

Also, your story contains a lot of grammatical and spelling errors. Run your story through some word processor with spell check (like Microsoft Word if you have it). You'll minimize your mistakes if you read your story through all the way. Make sure it's perfect.

I'll try to see how this story turns out.
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  #3    
Old July 22nd, 2012, 04:11 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Quote:
Originally Posted by oshawottic View Post
well this was more of a draft but i thought that i should try posting this, next time ill be sure to check the details .
Don't make it a habit of posting without proofreading, though. Proofreading is vital when you're a writer. You can be the best writer there is, but your work will be lackluster unless you're a great proofreader. The best writers are also the best proofreaders, so don't post drafts. Stick with the final product and you'll be fine.
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