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  #1    
Old July 28th, 2012, 09:07 AM
Rayshin's Avatar
Rayshin
Fak.
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: The Endless Void of Space
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed

Author's Notes:
This is my first fanfiction, so please be gentle with me.

Plot
A war is ravaging the three regions, Kanto, Johto and Hoenn. But this is no ordinary war, it is a war between the gods and the envoys of the demon, Umbranex. Meanwhle, our young hero is banished by the gods for a crime he had committed. How will he redeem his sins? Will he gain back the trust of his loving father, who he had betrayed? Or will he join the forces of the Demon? Or will he destroy both sides, and take the world for his own?

Chapter One

A man in a dapper suit walked up to me, his eyes full of contempt. Well, eye. On his left eye was a leather patch made from the hide of the Minotaur. He unsheathed his sword from its scabbard and brandished it at my forehead, his hazel-brown eyes clashing perfectly with his flowing auburn hair.

“You are not worthy of your title, you are not worthy of your power, you are not worthy to be my son!” he spat at me. I felt a blazing aura around him, an aura of disgust and anger.

“I take away your sword,” My blade, three feet of gilded silver, levitated towards him and he caught it in his hand, vaporizing it in the process. “Your ring,” My gold ring encrusted with the ruby from the forehead of the fallen Groudon followed suit. “and last, your dear companion!” The pokeball in my belt, encrusted with the Crest of Arceus, pulled a Houdini on me, and reappeared on his palm.


“Anything! Anything but Victini!” I pleaded. Victini was my only companion, who comforted me during my times of hardships. If he left me, my life would fall apart. My whole existence would me meaningless.


“ ’Tis too late! Now, I, Amadeus the All Powerful, banish you!” He raised his sword once more and transfigured it into a staff of ebony, five feet long and all, and conjured a black hole towards my chest. The pain was too unbearable… I want to scream…


***

“AAAARGH!” I screamed. My vision was fogged, all I could make out was a nurse by my bedside. By the pain in my throat, I’d shouted my throat hoarse. I tried to get up, but a sharp pain in my chest told me not to. “Where… Where am I?”

“Don’t try to get up, you’ll stretch some stitches if you do.” the nurse said soothingly. “You gave us quite a shock with you screaming though. Thought you were having a seizure.”

“Where am I…? How did I get here?” I asked. My vision cleared, and I saw a woman with pink hair wearing a nurse’s uniform. The stabbing pain in my chest continued to torture me as I conversed with the woman.

“A strapping young gentleman brought you here, what was his name? Oh nevermind that right now. He saw you were unconscious and were floating in the middle of the sea, he also found out that you were suffering from a bullet that was lodged into your heart. He performed basic first-aid on your injury and then brought you here. You were lucky though, we were able to remove the bullet with our Alakazam’s psychic abilities.” she replied kindly. “Not many could survive a bullet to the chest.”

“That explains the unbearable pain in my chest,” I said as I clutched my chest, massaging it as an attempt to soothe the pain, but to no avail. It only worsened with each stroke. Abandoning my attempt, I looked around. What I saw was a typical hospital room, but what struck me most was that the shelves around my room were stacked with plush dolls of Chanseys and Audinos.

“It does. I’ve been meaning to ask,” she said. “What’s your name?”

“My name?... It’s… I can’t remember.” I said weakly. I can’t remember my own name. My head hurts trying to remember it...

“Then we’ll just have to give you a new one.” she said enthusiastically. “How about Max?”

“Where did that come from?” I asked. Any name but Max, and Aloicious. I hate the name Aloicious.

“My ex-boyfriend’s nickname.” she replied, blushing. “How about, Anthony?”

“Anthony would be nice.” I agreed. The name rings a bell, like I was supposed to remember something…

“Great! But we’ll need a surname to go along with that.” she said eagerly. “How about Forge?”

“Why the surname: “Forge”?” I asked. Of all the surnames in this goddamn world, why “Forge”?

“It fits really well together.” She replied, smiling. Her smile could melt an Vanilluxe’s heart.

“Alright then.” I said. “What’s your name, by the way?”

My name’s Felicity. Felicity Banks.”

“Nice to meet you, Felicity.” I gestured a smile, and she smiled back.

“I completely forgot!” she said suddenly. My damaged heart almost stopped. “I was suppose to give you your medicine today. Here, wash these pills down with water.”

She handed me a small tray, on it were three pills and a glass of water. I gladly took the medicine and drank the water. It filled my body with a burning sensation, but a refreshing sensation followed after. It feels as if my wounds’
healing rates were increased exponentially, and they were.­

“What were those pills that you gave me?” I asked. What sort of company could produce those amazing wonders of technology?

“The pills were prototypes made by Devon Corp.” Felicity replied. I knew it. Devon Corp would always innovate a new product, from pills to smartphones. “They were infused with a stable version of the Pokerus so that it would only influence the healing rate of your illnesses and wounds.”

“They make wonders.” I said.

“Yes, they do indeed.” She said with a smile. “I wanted to ask you, but why did you screamed when you woke up? Were you having a nightmare or something?”

“Something like that.” I replied. I couldn’t make out the details. All I remember was a sword, a ring, and a pokeball. Whenever I try to remember, all I could get were fragments. Fragments of my past…

“Anyway, I have to go now,” she said. “There’s a patient next door suffering from Hypothermia, and I’ve been told to check on him after I give you your medicine.”

“See you later then.” I waved at her as she left the room. An ominous silence filled the room after. A black fog occupied my surroundings as a man in black appeared right before me.

“Good day, brother. Are you faring well?” he asked. His eyes as black as midnight, and his black jacket was torn and tattered, and his auburn hair looked very familiar. Too familiar. In his hand was a rusty katana, as if though he were fighting a raging storm.

“Who the hell are you?” I asked, puzzled. Who was this man who claimed to be my brother? Why was he battleworn, as though he was fighting for his life?

“Silly, it’s me. Firenze. Where have you been? We lost Kanto in the fight last night. Too many soldiers lost their lives yesterday.” he said. “Why are you in a humans’ hospital? Are you injured?”

“I can’t… remember.” I said weakly. Lost Kanto? What in Arceus is happening?

“Let me refresh your memory.” Firenze said. He took a small vial from his pocket and dipped his index finger into it. The tip of his index finger glowed blue, emanating a strange aura. He pressed his index finger onto my
forehead, and I knew no more.
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Last edited by Rayshin; July 29th, 2012 at 11:35 PM.
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  #2    
Old July 28th, 2012, 09:42 AM
docowocool
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Right, you have me as your first reviewer. Let's see. Well section rules state that you must post a chapter in it's intireity. Also, I think the italics is a dream, but it isnt explained. Having Vitini and groundons ruby seems inexplicable unless they are a legendary trainer, and if they were why would they only have Victini and not put up a fight? A lot of questions remain unanswered. It is though,decent. I rate this 7 out of 10. Don't feel bad, I gave both my stories 4 and my favourite 9. VM me when the next part is on and I will review in more detail.
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  #3    
Old July 29th, 2012, 02:39 AM
Rayshin's Avatar
Rayshin
Fak.
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: The Endless Void of Space
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Relaxed
Thank you for your review, docowocool. I will edit the first post to complete the first chapter. I will also put in a plot as to why he has a Victini for a companion and why he didn't put up a fight.
Please review so that I may improve to suit your desires.
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Last edited by Rayshin; July 29th, 2012 at 09:45 AM.
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  #4    
Old July 29th, 2012, 11:26 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Just a reminder, please double space between paragraphs, and always space out the dialouge. It is somewhat unpleasant to read. It strains my eyes a bit.

And that's all the time I have.
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  #5    
Old July 30th, 2012, 02:21 AM
docowocool
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
OK, I promised you a full review,so here it is. Right, you open with him being banished, with absolutely no revaltion to the reader as to he his. All I got from the first bit was : The man was his father, the character had some sort of rank, I think he beat Groundon hich is basically impossible for smeone with one pokemon bringing us to my next point, Victini. Victini is probably one of the rarest legendary pokemon. It is also very, very weak against a pokemon as strong as Groundon. Groundon is fire type as is Victini, and Victini's moveset is fire, not very effective. Groundon is half dragon, able to do damage to Victini through that. His not resisting also seems weird. Next paragraph now.

He wakes up, mortally wounded, randomly being healed. I will refer to him as he or the character because assumadly The name the nurse gave him is not his real name. So this nurse talks o him, then runs away. And where did this bullet wound come from? There was a black thing sent at him randomly before... Then someone he should know randoly comes up to him, refreshing his memory. It is all rather confusing. VM me again when there is another chapter to review.
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  #6    
Old July 30th, 2012, 03:56 AM
Umbr30n's Avatar
Umbr30n
Laggity Laggity Flash Crash!
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
OK, I promised you a full review,so here it is. Right, you open with him being banished, with absolutely no revaltion to the reader as to he his. All I got from the first bit was : The man was his father, the character had some sort of rank, I think he beat Groundon hich is basically impossible for smeone with one pokemon bringing us to my next point, Victini. Victini is probably one of the rarest legendary pokemon. It is also very, very weak against a pokemon as strong as Groundon. Groundon is fire type as is Victini, and Victini's moveset is fire, not very effective. Groundon is half dragon, able to do damage to Victini through that. His not resisting also seems weird.
OBJECTION!

Groudon is a GROUND TYPE.

Victini is a Fire-Psychic Type.
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  #7    
Old July 30th, 2012, 08:18 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Yeah, docowocool, you'll want to double-check your facts when reviewing. As Umbr30n pointed out, Groudon is a Ground-type only and Victini is Fire-Psychic.

Anyhow, Daniel Evans, welcome to FF&W! I'm glad to see that you managed to start your fanfic, and I hope it continues to go well for you! Because I am drat interested with this fic. To find out how the main character fought in the wars, what happened between the opening scene and the hospital scene, and everything else.

Only small piece of advice is on punctuating dialogue, especially with full stops and commas.

Quote:
“My ex-boyfriend’s nickname.” she replied, blushing.
The full stop after "nickname" should be a comma, since you're describing how the sentence is spoken.

Quote:
“I take away your sword,” My blade, three feet of gilded silver, levitated towards him and he caught it in his hand, vaporizing it in the process.
Here, though, the comma after "sword" should be a full stop since what follows after the dialogue is its own sentence.

I hope that (brief) explanation helps a little!
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