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  #1    
Old June 5th, 2012, 10:26 AM
docowocool
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
Gender: Male
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Right, here is my Pokemon fan fiction. Basically, there's this guy called Grey who's having his journey in Unova and the usual stuff. This has a twist. He wants to be in Team Plasma. But no spoilers.
I'll post a new chapter every week or less for you, but PM me if I forget.
Lets begin now.
Chapter 1

Grey woke up, today he would gt his pokemon. Tepig, the fire pokemon. Oshawott, the water pokemon. Snivy, the grass pokemon. They were all so good. He climbd out of bed, put on some clothes and went downstairs. Grey was ten with dark brown hair. He was wearing a plain grey shirt and dark blue trousers. He quickly poured some cereal into his mouth, he didn't want to be late. E put on his school shoes, god, those running shoes did not fit him, and walked out of the door. He went up to Prof. Juniper's lab and knocked on the door. Cedric answered the door.
"Ah yes, Grey, come in. We have a pokemon for you." said Cedric, inviting Grey inside. Grey wandered through the door,
"So where is my pokemon?" asked Grey, impatienty. Cedric brought Grey over to a machine with three pokeballs inside. Grey took Oshawott, the water pokemon. Grey sent out his pokemon. Then, the female Juniper, came downsairs, clutching a pokedex and five pokeballs.
"Good morning Grey, I see you already have your pokemon. Well, here is your pokedex and pokeballs. This pokedex rather has a... well, a mind of it's own. It will advise you on the pokemon, but not how it should. Here is the pokeballs, I have five for you, I assume you already know how to capture a pokemon? Anyway, I'm sure you are anxious to start your journey. Good luck." she sa, opening the door for Grey.Grey walked out of the door, ready to start his pokemon journey. He started off down Route 1, trudging through the tall grass. Suddenly, a Lillipup leaped out at him! Grey threw Oshawott's pokeball, revealing the blue water pokemon. Grey held his pokedex to the Lillipup.
"Lillipup, the weird dog pokemon. This specimen is actually worth it. Typically, Lillipup are weak little dog pokemon. They are tronger than Patrat, however, so is the strongest pokemon on Route 1. It knows Tackle, Leer and Bite. I suggest you capture it." said Grey's Pokedex. Oshawott tackled the wild Lillipup, causing it to yelp in pain. Lillipup used bite on Oshawott's head. Oshawott used water gun, causing Lillipup to let go. Grey quickly threw a pokeball. Click, click, click, clink.
"You have caught Lllipup lvl4. Your Oshawott is now lvl6." piped up the pokedex, before closing down again. Grey wandered slightly further down Route 1.

There you go, I just rewrote chapter 1. The rewrite of chapter 2 will be up soon. In the meantime, check out my other story, The Hoenn Dragons. Reviews are appreciated on both fanfics. Thanks for your time, docowocool.
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Last edited by docowocool; July 28th, 2012 at 05:34 AM. Reason: rewrites
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  #2    
Old June 5th, 2012, 11:17 AM
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Astinus
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Join Date: May 2006
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You edited while I was typing this, but most of it still holds true.

Quote:
Originally Posted by docowocool View Post
To be continued later. Sorry Im in themiddle of chapter 1 but Im really busy expect the rest in a hours time or less.
Section's rules state to not post your chapter until it is complete. There are plenty of word processing programs you can use to write your story with so you can work on it when you have free time. This way, you aren't writing it directly onto the forums, so if you're pulled away from it by something else, you can come back to it and finish the chapter.

I'll also say that you might want to rework your story. For one thing, your grammar needs improvement, and you have typos throughout your story. If you save your story with a word processor, you can check over your story for any mistakes and fix them before anyone else sees them.

Another thing that needs help is the character, Grey. His start to his journey reminds me very strongly of the anime show, where he wakes up late and gets a special Pokemon. But Grey is worse than Ash because while Ash only got one special Pokemon, Grey gets all three starters. What about if Juniper gets more starting trainers? Grey can't be the only starting trainer in the area.

The plot is also moving way too fast. Grey wakes up, gets his Pokemon, and runs into N. You wrote this so quickly that it seems like you forgot Grey is still in his pajamas. He doesn't stop to react to anything, and he doesn't do anything else unless it's a major part of the plot. He doesn't even stop to learn what Pokemon he has so he's not surprised in the middle of battle.

If you take the time to write this, it'll be much better. As I said, use any sort of word processing program so you can take your time writing. Don't rush through the chapters. The quality suffers because of it.

Quote:
Just thought Id mention that if I dont get enough comments and views Ill only do 5 chapters then stop.
Don't do this either. You shouldn't post just for reviews, or hold your chapters hostage until you get enough reviews/views. Doing that makes it even less likely that anyone will comment.
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  #3    
Old June 5th, 2012, 10:48 PM
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
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Dear Astinus and everyone reading this,

Thank you for your opinion. Grey turns 10 and gets the Pokemon. Other trainers don't have to be 10 that day.I am typing on a kindle so cannot word prossess but I shall proof read at a later date. My hurried message was simply because I needed 10 mins to do stuff. My review post thing was simply because if noone reads it whats the point of carrying on because it takes time. He gets all 3 because if I gave him say Tepig people would want him to have the others and vice versa. I could simply give him a Patrat but since this is a weak and common pokemon and people would want him to have a starter.
Thank you for your time.

Kind regards,
Docowocool
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  #4    
Old June 6th, 2012, 12:42 AM
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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Right, are you ready for chapter 2? I'm going to edit it into the original post now.
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  #5    
Old June 6th, 2012, 01:30 AM
docowocool
Beginning Trainer
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
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Here is Chapter 2 for you all
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  #6    
Old June 6th, 2012, 04:57 AM
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bobandbill
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In general it's better to post new chapters in separate posts rather than edit it into the first.

Secondly, you still haven't done that much proofreading or editing, I feel. The story still moves way too fast and there are simple mistakes in it too. Slow down to edit and take time to fully describe events.

Take this short snippet for instance:
Quote:
"Aha, a wild Pokemon." said Grey and sent out his Oshawott. Oshawott used Water Gun and a wild Lillipup jumped out, hurt. "Now use Tackle." shouted Grey. Lillipup hurt Oshawott with a Scratch but got knocked out.
Generally battles should be the most exciting part of the fic, or at least up there. After all, it's what the games are all about, and what's not cool about animals with crazy powers battling? However here it comes off as boring as you're just telling us what happens rather than showing us. What did the Lillipup look like for instance, and how did it look hurt? Did it whimper or yelp in pain for instance? How did it use Scratch? How did it get 'knocked out', furthermore, and how did Oshawott react to the Scratch? Consider, basically, how events happen and show it to us rather than telling (e.g. instead of saying 'jumped out, hurt', describe the Lillipup doing something (yelping, licking a wound, etc) without outright saying 'it was hurt').

Consider the plot too - is it that likely that two gym leaders would have been just watching a trainer and be so impressed with it catching a weak Pokemon to give them a rare dragon Pokemon? Such events (and on top of him getting three rare starter Pokemon as well) can seem questionable to the reader, and you shouldn't always hand things on a platter to your protagonist. Now, this doesn't mean you shouldn't have that happen, but if you keep it then play around with it. Will a dragon Pokemon like that necessarily get on well with a newbie trainer, for instance? But it does seem that too much is going the way of the protagonist atm, and on this:
Quote:
He gets all 3 because if I gave him say Tepig people would want him to have the others and vice versa. I could simply give him a Patrat but since this is a weak and common pokemon and people would want him to have a starter
...not really. In fact, one can easily argue that a trainer starting with only a Patrat is interesting. An awful lot of fics start out with the trainer getting a starter or a rare pokemon, etc, so a trainer starting out with a common Pokemon instead is already different from the norm. Don't give them all the Pokemon because someone might have preferred they had Tepig instead either - it's not an important point that should impact on the story.

Lastly - space out things. Use paragraph and have a line of spacing between each one (like this post and Astinus'). That way you don't have a wall of text and your story is easier to read.

But please spend more time on the story - the fact you turned out another chapter a day later and repeating the same mistakes pointed out by Astinus suggests you didn't really listen, and it's not an ideal way to maintain readers in the long run. Quality over frequency of chapters after all, and there's such a thing as too much content too quickly too.
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  #7    
Old June 6th, 2012, 05:21 AM
docowocool
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thank you bobandbill I shall take into consideration your comment for the next chapter. I have a reason for what is happening with all the starters and the Axew and Iris and Drayden turning up. I don't want to spoil the story for everyone though so I won't say much but there is a reason. All the stuff in battle will be considered and I shall include later. I don't want to edit except proof read the story though so it shall be in later. Thanks for your time.
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  #8    
Old June 7th, 2012, 01:43 AM
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Haxofreak
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To be honest, the plot is really of a Generic pokemon trainer. You're writing skill could really use some work!

Quote:
He ran, still in his PJ's, to Prof. Juniper's lab. "Sorry I'm late." He said. Prof. Juniper gave him a Pokeball. "But, don't I choose?" he asked. Prof. Juniper smiled. Grey opened his Pokeball. It had three Pokeballs in it. Prof. Juniper let him keep all three. He left and started down Route 1. He suddenly got knocked over by a boy with green hair. "I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" yelled N. Grey pulled out his first Pokemon. It was a Snivy. N sent out his Purrloin.
Just look at this extract from the first chapter. It's like in the first line he's running to professor Juniper's lab and by the third line he has already got his pokemon and then by the eighth line he is already up in his neck in a pokemon battle. What i mean to say is that this is some really poor narration and there are several grammatical errors. You really must slow down. Here are some pointers:

a) You've got to really work on narrating the surroundings and such. Take a good long paragraph to describe the place and things going on around.

b) You've also got to describe the characters feelings and such Simply writing " He ran to prof. Juniper's lab, got 3 pokemon, went to route 1, battled N, almost won, patrat used outrage and Grey lost the battle." doesn't have to be a story, it's more like a newspaper report. You've got to be more imaginative, use new words, describe the feelings etc.

c) You've also not put in a scene where in grey actually meets his pokemon. It's just like he grabbed the 3 pokeballs and ran to route 1 like a thief. He didn't even change his PJs! It's these little ( or in this case, not so little!) details that make a good book, not just the plot.

d) You have got to put in some original writing style, not just a straight out narration. It doesn't really have the "feel" of a story, it feels really empty.

The second chapter is not much better, you've just mixed up some parts of the game and some parts of the anime and made a chapter which is just as bad as the first one. Both the chapters put together would barely be half as big as the opening chapter of a good quality book. A good author will be able to make a first chapter almost five times as big as your first chapter with the same events.

Anyways, I didn't mean to be harsh or rude or anything, I just thought that i could help you to make better fiction in the future!
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  #9    
Old June 7th, 2012, 02:52 AM
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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thank you for your comments Haxofreak. I know about his PJ's and it is an important part of chapter 3 maybe 4 the chapters are this length simply because I don't have thetime. Surely there is no rule against me doing what I like with my story as long as it doesnt break the other rules. If I wanted I could write a stoy about every Pokemon lining up to jump off a cliff. Thank you for yor time however but I suggest you spend it writing your story about N because it is excellent so far.
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  #10    
Old June 7th, 2012, 03:32 AM
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Right Chapter 3 in progress now.
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  #11    
Old June 7th, 2012, 03:55 AM
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bobandbill
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Please do not double post just to say chapter 3 is in progress. Post only when you are actually posting the chapter or replying to a review. Again, check the rules please.
Quote:
I know about his PJ's and it is an important part of chapter 3 maybe 4 the chapters are this length simply because I don't have thetime.
That's not an excuse readers will take into consideration though. If you don't have the time to save your work in a document (or even just use an online one via say google docs) then why should they have the time to read a rushed story when they can go to a different one that an author takes time writing out? Please don't make this mistake again as you seem to be giving the vibe of wanting to rush out content with such posts as above.

Editing and taking time making your work as good it can be is basically an essential part of doing something well, and not just with writing either. If you really cannot wait then that's your choice, but I wouldn't expect many consistent readers as a result.
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  #12    
Old July 28th, 2012, 05:36 AM
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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OK, I just rewrote Chapter 1nd deleted chapter 2. I will be carrying on with this fanfic now Feel free to review.
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  #13    
Old August 1st, 2012, 11:11 AM
docowocool
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: somewhere
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Chapter 2

Grey wandered down Rotue 1, his pokemon by his side. Oshawott and Lillipup both strong specimens. His pokedex was good, it had told him what to catch. He realised that he hadn't check out the 'dex about Oshawott. He held up the piece of machinery.
"Oshawott, the water starter. Oshawott is often shy, not obeying what their trainer commands. It is, however, the best choice of starter pokemon in Unova. This Oshawott is in the top 0.9% of Oshawotts." said the mechanical voice. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something fast running across the tall grass.
"Lillipup, tackle." he whisperered, not wanting the fast pokemon to hear. Lillipup quickly shot at the thing while it stood still, causing it to leap out of the grass in pain.
"Axeeeeew!" shouted the Axew, surprised at being found.
"Water gun!" shouted Grey, Oshawott scoring a direct hit. The Axew was now in front of him, powering up a dragon rage. Suddenly, Lillipup pounced on it, using bite. The Axew fell to the ground, failing to unleash dragon rage. Grey picked a pokeball out of his bag, thowing it at Axew. Click, click, click, clink.
"You have caught Axew level fifteen. Lillipup is now level five, Oshawott is now level six. Axew, the basic dragon. Axew are quite powerful creatures, not normally seen on Route One. It is easy to train, perfect for beginners." said his pokedex dully.

Randomly, an old man and a girl came out from behind a tree.
"I am Drayden and this is Iris." said the man,
"We saw you capture that Axew, it was simply remarkable!" exclaimed Iris,
"Well, thank you."said Grey, still surprised. Weren't these the leaders from the final gym?
"We hope you train it well, and one day become a dragon master." said Drayden, disappearing with Iris somewhere. Then, his wrist started buzzing. Oh yes, his Xtranseiver. He pressed a button, looking into the miniscule screen. His mom appeared,
"Oh, Grey, you've started on your pokemon journey already!" said his mom, "Well, go to the pokemon center, there will be a deliveryman there with a town map for you."
"Thanks mom, anyway, I really have to go now." said Grey, smiling.
"See you soon then sweetie." his mum replied, hanging up the Xtranseiver.

Grey walked into Accumala Town, going to the pokemon center to heal his pokemon.
"Would you like to heal your pokemon?" asked the nurse, taking the three pokeballs. "All happy and healthy, take care!" said the nurse, as Grey walked out. There was a man waiting for him,
"Are you Grey?" he asked, giving Grey $5000 and a town map from his mom. Grey took them, walking to the square, seeing some people standing there. He stood next to a green haired boy, watching a speech.
"Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I would like to talk to you today about pokemon liberation." said Ghethis

There you go, that was chapter two. I hope you enjoyed it. Seems like I still haven't done part of chapter two, I'll put it in Chapter three.
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