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  #1    
Old August 29th, 2012 (08:08 PM).
Aques Keus's Avatar
Aques Keus
Swaggins
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: The Cave of Hymns
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
I sprinted to the Pokecenter as fast as I possibly could. My friend had told me that they had rescued and nurtured a pokemon that they would put up for adoption. I burst with excitement, it would be my first pokemon ever! I made sure to stop by the store and buy a whole bunch of pokeblocks, I had no idea what kind to get so I got two of each!. Running through the street with this bag of blocks was so awkward, but I could see the red roof!

I pretty much crashed into the building, the doors were barely open before I went in and clearly I hadn't thought of stopping. Luckily someone was there to stop me from falling, well actually a lot of people. There was a huge crowd of kids my age just waiting outside. There was an Officer yelling through a microphone on a podium "Please, please try to stay organized, all of you can not adopt one pokemon!" I sighed, it was probably first come- first serve, "Everyone who would like to adopt the pokemon please make a line here" She gestured in front of the podium, everyone lined up. "All those with pokemon please leave now!" Around a third of the croud left, still a good 16 other trainers. "We will have a competition!"

And thats where I'll stop, here are the main questions i suppose
-whats the competition
-Whos the pokemon
-Why didn't I give the character a name
-Where are they?
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  #2    
Old August 30th, 2012 (12:44 PM).
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
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I don't know what you're trying to do with this story, unless you're asking the questions for the readers to begin with, in which case I'm iffy on whether or not this is plausible, because the questions you pose clearly mean you know that there are a few problems with the story, but you have intentionally left them there. How peculiar.

In any case, I also find it extremely odd that a lot of people would show up for a single Pokemon, because healing Pokemon must be an every-day sort of thing and pretty damn common. So remind me why they all want one little Pokemon? It's just a single Pokemon in a world where there are Pokemon everywhere. Besides, you can get starter Pokemon in a lab or grab a PokeBall and walk in the woods or something for a bit and see a Pidgey or a Rattata or whatever you might find. The point being is that it's weird for that many people to try to get a single Pokemon the Pokemon Center healed. And it's not really the Pokemon Center's right to give away Pokemon so easily, because if the Pokemon was endangered or something, then it would make more sense to release it back into the wild. It got injured, so they healed it. It's as simple as that. If the Pokemon didn't want to be with a trainer, well, I'm pretty sure they would respect its right, because Nurse Joys are sympathetic. Generally speaking, anyway.

Quote:
I burst with excitement, it would be my first pokemon ever!
This is a comma splice, which means it separates two independent clauses. Replace the comma with either a semi-colon or a period.

Quote:
I made sure to stop by the store and buy a whole bunch of pokeblocks, I had no idea what kind to get so I got two of each!.
Another comma splice along with a weird period at the end of the exclamation point. Also, I don't know why you'd buy that many PokeBlocks because they're not the only source of food for Pokemon if that's what you were going for. There are berries and Pokemon feed.

Quote:
Running through the street with this bag of blocks was so awkward, but I could see the red roof!
The bolded is a weird thought. Maybe some other sort of emotion would fit better here rather than describing what the narrator sees.

Quote:
There was an Officer yelling through a microphone on a podium "Please, please try to stay organized, all of you can not adopt one pokemon!"
Officier isn't capitalized because it isn't used a name. Also, you need a comma after 'podium' because 'yelling' counts as a speech tag.

Quote:
I sighed, it was probably first come- first serve,
Period at the end of the sentence. Hyphen isn't used here; you use a comma instead. At least that's how I'm used to seeing first come, first serve.

Quote:
Around a third of the croud left, still a good 16 other trainers.
Sixteen and numbers that aren't long when written out should be written out rather than written as numbers. Generally, the rule is up to twenty, but it's your preference. Here, I would write out sixteen.

The story itself is a bit odd, considering very little was dedicated to thoughts of any sort while the descriptions were also lacking. The very few thoughts imported were disjointed and didn't make too much sense with the context. Actually, most of the story was disjointed. A lot of things just sort of happened, while I mentioned the Pokemon up for adoption thing.

Not sure where you're going with this either. I don't get why you're posing questions, which should be answered rather than you asking readers.
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  #3    
Old August 30th, 2012 (07:11 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 28
Gender: Male
This is a chain story. Khawill asked me if he could make one of these, and since I was planning to make one some day I gave him the go-ahead to do it himself. In a chain story, one person writes a part of the story, stops, and then the next random person to come along continues the story the way they want to up to a certain point, and then so on. A lot of people could work on this one story, making it completely insane because no one knows what the other is thinking.

It's like roleplay in a sense. The story gets set up, and everyone who wants to gets to play in it.

So that's why Khawill was asking those questions, as a way to give the next person to continue the story some ideas as to what they could write about.

It's different than what we've had here recently, but we've had chain threads like this before. They've been rather fun.
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  #4    
Old August 30th, 2012 (09:44 PM).
Aques Keus's Avatar
Aques Keus
Swaggins
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: The Cave of Hymns
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Thanks Astinus, I will however change the setting a bit in hindsight.

Instead of a pokecenter the people are gathered at a breeding area where they are giving away 3 pokemon. The general idea is that pokemon are rarely seen in the wild (Much like the Orre region) and when there is an opportunity to get a pokemon many kids jump at it
The reason don't want a lab with starters is that it really doesn't make much sense to me. (I mean why are scientists giving out pokemon that they study.)

The Questions were to give people something to think about, I also wanted to point out that I left a lot of freedoms, I didn't name the character (and he could easily be a nameless protagonist), I never mentioned rivals, I didn't specify a pokemon, and I didn't give a specific region (though one can assume pokemon are scarce or illegal to catch in the wild there).

I do apologize for the grammar mistakes, I have a slightly above average grade in a tenth grade English class level.
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