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  #1    
Old August 31st, 2012 (05:30 PM).
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IceFyr1928 IceFyr1928 is offline
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Trainer of Darkness
Prologue
The day started as any other summer day would in Mossdeep City, the waves hitting the shoreline cliffs, the Wingull cawing up a storm over a caught Magicarp. But this wasn't an average day, it was his birthday. And it wasn't just any birthday, it was his 11th birthday. The day he was old enough to get his first Pokemon. Seth lay in bed, content with everything. His Mother called him down for breakfast in her jolly voice. Seth smelled bacon. And pancakes, his favorite. He roared down the stairs and came to a stop just inside of the kitchen. Once he was in there, his suspicions were confirmed. His mother had set out a large plate mounding in blueberry pancakes and crispy bacon. Seth sat at the table and served himself a large plateful. "Don't eat to fast, dear!" his mother said as Seth put a large chunk of pancake into his mouth."Okay mom!" he nearly shouted through said chunk.
"We had a visitor last night" his mom said. Seth knew this already, as he hadn't been able to sleep for the longest time. However, he hadn't known the purpose of the visitor since they had talked in hushed voices.
"Oh, really?" Seth responded.
"Yes,would you like to try to guess who it was?"
"Umm... Pass?"
"It was Leader Liza! She has promised that her and her sister would mentor you!"
"That's cool and all mom... But I don't have a Pokemon."
"That's the other reason why she came! I'll be right back."
Seth ate another bite of pancakes and a strip of the perfectly cooked bacon. Seth savored the bite in his mouth. He tasted the fluffiness of the pancakes with bits of chewed bacon. "My mom really is an amazing chef..." Seth thought dreamily. At that moment, his mom walked in, holding a reddish orb which he first took for an apple. As she got closer, he thought "wait... THAT'S A CHERISH BALL!".
This is for you, however, it is not given lightly. Liza explained to me that being a Trainer can be quite the responsibility. You have to care for your Pokemon. There is no way to just use Pokemon as an excuse to leve and travel the map, you have to be careful. Get to know your Pokemon, it's strengths and weaknesses, what it likes and doesn't li-"
Mom, you've given me this lecture before."
"I know! I just want you to be safe..."
"I will be."
"Alright! If you're going to be a Trainer, you might as well look the part" his mom said as she pulled a trainer's belt, an adventure pack and a leather jacket "for when it gets cold" was her explanation. Seth put on this set of clothes and picked the Cherish Ball from the table. The suspense was eating away his insides, so he pushed the button and tossed it into the air. As it spun, whatever inner mechanism that makes a Pokeball open clicked, and in front of him formed his own Ralts.
" So, what is its, or should I say, her name?" his mother asked inquisitively.
It took him less than a second to decide, "Belle" Seth stated, and the Ralts turned to look at him, "Her name is Belle."


End of prologue! What do you think? This story is in fact, the longer, more detailed version of my RP character's backstory. I might even go into the events of the RP... But, as my cousin likes to say, We'll burn that bridge when we get there.
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  #2    
Old August 31st, 2012 (06:29 PM).
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Phantom Phantom is offline
Uh, I didn't do it
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Ok, first off you need to format it correctly. Right now it's a giant block of text that hurts my eyes.

There are a lot of grammatical mistakes. For example:

Quote:
"Don't eat to fast, dear!" his mother said as Seth put a large chunk of pancake into his mouth.
Should be...

Quote:
"Don't eat too fast, dear!" his mother said as Seth put a large chunk of pancake into his mouth.
It's a simple to/too/two mixup. There are a lot of others so I suggest getting a beta or using a better spell check program.

Also when a new person speaks you should start a new paragraph, which you don't do in the first one when the Seth responds to his mother. Actually I see a general lack of proper dialogue punctuation. This might help.

Also for thoughts there's no need for using quotation marks. Just italics, which is the most common.

Overall it doesn't read like a prologue at all. Instead it's more like a start of a first chapter. It's rushed and has a bit of a Gary Stu feel.
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Old August 31st, 2012 (07:33 PM).
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IceFyr1928 IceFyr1928 is offline
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Yes, this is a bad prologue/chapter. I admit it. I don't have a good "spell check" seeing as I am stuck doing this on an iPod touch. I do belive it will go smoother after this, seeing as this was just an intro to the actual story, which takes place 2 years later (hence the "prologue"). Thanks for your advice!
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Old September 3rd, 2012 (11:28 AM).
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IceFyr1928 IceFyr1928 is offline
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TWO YEARS LATER
Chapter 1-The Fight

Seth woke to a day not unlike that on his eleventh birthday. Today, he would challenge the island's twin gym leaders. Seth had caught a strong Sharpedo last week, and was in no rush to annihilate his former mentors. Tate and Liza could attempt to teach him all the parlor tricks they wanted, but their training sessions always ended in disscussions about the various aspects of battle.
Life had continued on the same routine for the last two years: get up, eat breakfast with Belle, grab his bag, and walk to the gym to train.
Had he so wished, Seth could have become one of the elite gym trainers, but he had his heart set on something else. Seth wanted to be the first trainer born in Mossdeep to beat the town's gym leaders before any of tho other gyms in Hoenn. Seth wanted fame.
As Seth was traveling to the gym, he was stopped by his rival, Ryder. Ryder was a head shorter than Seth, and slightly overweight. Despite these disadvantages, he still found time in every day to antagonize Seth. Today, it started with Ryder intentionally bumping into Seth, and hard.
"Hey, Seakelp! Watch where you're walkin'!" Ryder shouted into Seth's face.
"Move Ryder. You're in my way." Seth icily replied.
"Ooh, I'm scared now! I'm in his way!" Ryder sarcastically said to Gus, his beefy goon. Gus wasn't exactly all there, and followed Ryder's orders like an Arcanine.
"Move. Now."
"Pushy, pushy! That's no way to talk to your elder!"
"You're two weeks older than me Ryder, Now move your lump of algae before I move it for you."
"You want this to end with a fight, don't you?!?"
"That's all you do, fight and smoke seaweed."
"That's it! Get your stinkin' Ralts ready!"
With this, Ryder tossed a normal looking Pokeball into the air. A second later, an evil looking Houndoom was standing in front of him.
He's making this too easy... Seth thought as he grabbed a dive ball of of his belt.
"You've got this Sharpedo!" Seth yelled. Once he heard this, Ryder's face went pale
"Sharpedo! Surf!"
The Houndoom didn't know what hit it. As it slid along the ground, fainted, Seth victoriously returned Sharpedo to his ball. As Seth continued to the gym, he heard Ryder muttering under hi breath about amateur trainers and their egos.
(chapter 1 to be continued)
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Old September 4th, 2012 (05:32 AM).
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bobandbill bobandbill is offline
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
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Please check the FF&W rules; chapters must be finished to be posted. I'll leave this open for you to finish properly, but note that next time your thread may be closed as a result.

Take into account what was said before as well. You'd want a line of spacing between each paragraph (much like how this post is, and Phantom's). Please be sure to use spell/grammar check too; you shouldn't be posting such things from an ipod or whatnot in the first place but rather in your own time after the story has been properly edited and proofread.
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  #6    
Old September 4th, 2012 (09:26 PM).
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IceFyr1928 IceFyr1928 is offline
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Kay, **** it. This story is nowhere even near being ready. Do what you want wid it, Im not gonna be able to finish at the Time. Il remake it when it's ready. Delete it, I know I cant
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  #7    
Old September 4th, 2012 (10:59 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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If you really need some way to save your fic while you're writing it without using an actual program, then just send a PM to yourself on the forums with the story inside of it. That way it gets saved, but you can still use your iPod Touch if that's your only option.

Thread closed. Please keep the section's rules in mind the next time you make a thread.
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