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  #1    
Old September 17th, 2012, 11:59 AM
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Volcanix769
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In this horrendous, vile forest most called 'The Forest of Blight,' a young adventurer named Blaze and his allies tread cautiously into the forest to retrieve a gem so rare, it made other delicacies look commonplace.

Legend said that the gem possessed revival qualities. It is called the Crystal Lotus Flower. The task at hand was to retrieve it in hopes of resurrecting a fallen friend, Raira.

As they ambled as slowly as the wind, they caught a glimpse of a large mass of pitch black blood on a large leaf and a male human soul with his 'Chain of Fate', the spiritual binding of ones soul and their physical bodies, bound to a Coconut tree.

One of Blaze's allies, named Terra, quickly dashed behind her twin brother, Rex, and shuddered in horror. Her twin brother turned around and put his hand to her shoulder in an attempt to console her. Terra's heart began to race, her mouth agape.

"Terra, listen." Rex whispered calmly, "you should be silent so those dark elemental spirits will not come and eat our souls."

Terra nodded her head, showing that she comprehends on what he just explained. As the four ventured into the forest slowly into a vast empty spot where nothing in this vicinity but tall coconut trees.

They started to get irritable by the vulgar smell that's like rotting flesh that's around this zone that could send someone on a death wish.

All of them got a hold of their specially colored bandannas wrapped around their necks and masked their lower half of the face. Glacia faintly tapped Blaze's shoulder, he turned around, feeling uneasy as he glares at her tensed face that's likes a troubled puppy. "What?"

How long are we from obtaining the "Crystal Lotus flower?" griped Glacia.

Blaze then proceeded to apprehend his datavice enclosed in his pants' pocketception and analyze the map of this area to the gem. "It'll be like...... about 5 days."

The whole team groaned in annoyance. In the dark green bushes, a pair of red glowing sphere shaped eyes appear. That monster began to grumble, that sound it emits is just as if a car's wheels is trying to get through the muddy path in the driveway. Rex's dark brown eyes dilated. He rotated his whole body, facing the bushes at the behind him.

"You guys....... h-hear aa-nnythhingg....." questioned Rex.

"What do you mean?" mocked Blaze as he laughed a bit, "There's obviously a brick on your head."

"Blaze, this better be a joke! This is serious! I am telling the truth!"

Then the monster proceeds to use his dark muscular shaped claws to nab Terra's left leg. Terra looked down on it and as she sprung up, the monster jumped up as well and severed her shorts forcefully, blood quickly squirted out from her big gash that's half the size of her leg.

"Aggh!"

Rex looked and saw her sister clasping on to her leg, the blood seeping out of it began to ooze out of her leg even more.

"Sis!"

Rex hustled to her sister, endangering his soul to free her from the beast. The monster raised his gigantic hand, and slapped Rex with great strength.

He was tossed to the tree as fast as the light, knocked with his forehead having a big bruise to half of his nose. Blaze stood in fear, and that his whole body is petrified.

Then the monster uncloaked itself. It has a long tail as long as a whole football field. It has a white mask shaped like a tiger, it has a body shaped like a muscular man, and there's a quanitity of blotched blood on it's mask and jaw. It roared with such an intense sound that it can reach almost a 1/4th of this world.

It then proceeds to grab the four, then Glacia proceeds to use her ice powers to crystallize the monster and then she grabs the weakened allies and all of them fled away from it. After 10 minutes, the ice couldn't grip the monster much longer and it shattered like glass, then it proceeds to catch their scent of blood by it's keen nose.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyways, this is my 1st attempt of trying to make an original plot and to make it like interesting(thought it's kind of not, and it's inspired by Bleach, Pokemon, and Final Fantasy). I'm not much of a good writer since I somewhat do not make any sense, so I try to make this good. Anyways, I kind of need help to make this better, so here's what happened before:

Ok, so Blaze is this 13 year old human/fire elemental hybrid whose father is gone and that he lives with his 19 year old brother(who is better than he is) and his mother in a parallel universe from ours, it's called Elementia, where there are humans with hidden power and these elemental monster.

So when summer started, there's this mysterious pattern of thunderstorms, and that mysteriously, his childhood friend, Raira, fell ill and that she's almost about to die.

And Rex, his classmate was also experiencing this, but he chooses to just go with Blaze and the others to receive the Crystal Lotus Flower. The main antagonist is the Dark Kingdom, and that Blaze has some connection with them and he doesn't know, that's all I came up with.

Anyway, I need help with other plots that involve this since it's Final Fantasy and Bleach related.
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  #2    
Old September 17th, 2012, 08:52 PM
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There are quite a few grammatical mistakes in this story.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
In this horrendous, vile forest most call 'The Forest of Blight,' A young adventurer named Blaze and his allies tread cautiously into the forest to retrieve a gem so rare, it made other delicacies look commonplace.
'A' should be lower case.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Legend said that the gem possessed revival qualities. It is called the Crystal Lotus Flower. The task at had was to retrieve it in hopes of resurrecting a fallen friend, Raira.
This 'paragraph' could really be combined with the previous one. Also, I assumed that it would be the 'task at hand' not the 'task at had'. I might also suggest using 'his' instead of 'a' when referring to the friend; more personal.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
As they ambled as slowly as the wind, they caught a glimpse of a large mass of pitch black blood on a large leaf and a male human soul with his 'Chain of Fate', the spiritual binding of ones soul and their physical bodies, bound to a Coconut tree.
A Coconut tree? Where is this forest? Fiji?


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
One of Blaze's allies, named Terra, quickly dashed behind her twin brother, Rex, and shuddered in horror. Her twin brother turns around and put his hand to her shoulder in an attempt to console her. Terra's hear began to race, her mouth agape.
You don't really need to have 'named' the reader can guess that. Also there is a tense issue here. You say Terra 'dashed', and her twin 'turns'. It should be 'turned'. You switch from past to present tense. Actually I noticed this quite a bit throughout. There is a typo too, should be 'heart' instead of 'hear'.

This whole thing is rather sudden. I don't know, it's like you have info paragraphs then you're just thrown into an action scene. There's no transition.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
"Terra, listen." Rex whispered calmly, "You should be silent so those dark elemental spirits will not come and eat our souls."
One of my biggest pet peeves is not punctuating dialogue correctly. It should be a comma after 'listen' not a period. And if you want a comma after 'calmly' that means the 'Y' in 'You' should be lower case since it's actually the middle of a sentence, not the beginning. The words themselves made me laugh. It feels like it should be a very serious fic, but the wording is like a bad creepypasta.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Terra nodded her head, showing that she comprehends on what he just explained. As the four ventured into the forest slowly into a vast empty spot where nothing's in this vicinity but tall coconut trees, they start to get irritable by the vulgar smell that's like rotting flesh that's around this zone that could send someone on a death wish.
Another example of tense issues here. Terra 'nodded' her head, yet she 'comprehends'. It should be 'nothing' not 'nothing's', actually it should be something to the effect of 'a vast empty spot where there was nothing in the vicinity but...'. There's a run on sentence here too. You should end that second sentence after 'trees', that should clear it up. There's a tense issue again with 'they started to get'. Pick a tense and stick with it the entire story.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
So all of them got a hold of their specially colored bandanna wrapped around their necks and masked their lower half of the face. Glacia faintly tapped Blaze's shoulder.
This is an example of telling not showing, perfect example in that you used 'so' like you're having a conversation with the reader. The word 'bandana' should be plural.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He turns around, feeling uneasy as he glares at her tensed face that's likes a troubled puppy. "What?"
Tense again. Also try combining this paragraph with the previous.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
How long are we from obtaining the Crystal Lotus flower?" griped Glacia.
You're missing the first quotation mark.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Blaze then proceeded to apprehend his datavice enclosed in his pants' pocket and analyze the map of this area to the gem.

"It'll be like...... about 5 days." said Blaze.
Again, combine these. You only need to split in dialogue when a new person speaks. (Well there are other times, but that's the most simple.) Plus, 'then proceeded to apprehend' is weird sounding. Also 'pants' aren't posessive of the pockets. The pockets are part of them. Pocketception if you will. Items can't own other items.

Also if you're going to use elipses, it's only three periods and only use it once.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The whole team groaned in annoyance. In the dark green bushes, a pair of red glowing speared shaped eyes appear. That monster began to grumble, that sound it emits is just as if a car's wheels is trying to get through the muddy path in the driveway. Rex's dark brown eyes dilated. He rotated his whole body, facing the bushes at the behind him.
What exactly is a 'speared' shape? Pretty sure you mean 'sphered'. The sentence 'That monster..." is another example of telling, not showing. And by saying that monster, it's a little off.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
"You guys....... h-hear aa-nnythhingg....." questioned Rex?

"What do you mean?" mocked Blaze, "there's obviously a brick on your head."

"Blaze, this better be a joke! This is serious! I am telling the truth!"
Should be a period after 'Rex', not a question mark.

It should be a period after 'Blaze', then a capital 'T' in 'there's'.

The dialogue doesn't seem real, it's really script-y.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Then the monster proceeds to use his faint muscular shaped claws to nab Terra's left leg. Terra looked down on it and as she sprung up, the monster jumped up as well and severed her shorts, blood quickly squirted out from her big gash that's half the size of her leg.

"Aggh!"

Rex looked and saw her sister clasping on to her leg, the blood seeping out of it began to ooze out of her leg even more.

"Sis!"
The action sequence is choppy. And 'muscular shaped claws' makes no sense, and how are they 'faint'? It 'severed' her shorts? So she got pants'd?

Telling, not showing again.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Rex hustled to her sister, endangering his soul to free her from the beast. The monster raised his gigantic hand, and slapped Rex with great horsepower.
'Horsepower'? No, just, no.

Horsepower is for vehicles, not living creatures.

And did Rex just get *****slapped?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He was tossed to the tree as fast as the light, blacked out with his forehead having a big bruise to half of his nose. Blaze stood in fear, and that his whole body is petrified.
I get that you're trying to use the whole hyperbole thing, but 'as fast as light' is sort of out of place here. Plus the 'blacked out' thing makes no sense. Also 'and that his whole body is petrified', not only tense again, but it makes no sense either.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Then the monster uncloaked itself. It has a long tail as long as a whole football field. It has a white mask shaped like a tiger, it has a body shaped like a muscular man, and there's a quanitity of blotched blood on it's mask and jaw. It roared with such an intense sound that it can reach almost a 1/4th of this world.
When did the monster cloak itself? It can cloak itself?

Now you're jumping perspectives (which you did earlier but I didn't mention it when you were in dialogue). We couldn't have seen all of the monster's actions before this point if it was cloaked the whole time.

So.... it has a tiger shaped mask... you mean the head of a tiger?

Telling not showing again.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
It then process to grasp the four, then Glacia proceeds to use her ice powers to crystallize the monster and then she grabs the weakened allies and all of them fled away from it. After 10 minutes, the ice couldn't grip the monster much longer and it shattered like glass, then it proceeds to catch their scent of blood by it's keen nose.
It should be 'proceeded' not 'process', and I'd suggest another word other than 'grasp'. It's a bit run-y too.

Unless it's a number over one hundred you write it out.

You're personifying ice. Ice isn't human. Ice is frozen water. It's a run on sentence as well.

Then you end it. It's not even a cliff hanger. It just stops mid action, makes me think this chapter isn't even finished you just posted it.


Overall your writing is wordy. You don't need a butt load of adjectives, metaphors, hyperboles, etc. in a story to make it good. In fact, sometimes simpler is better. It just makes it look too fake and pulls the reader further from the created world. Of course it never hurts to be descriptive when it needs to be, which you seem to be doing in awkward places. Things that should have had the 'fancy' wording, don't.

There are tense issues throughout. Pick a tense. Stick with it.

Also you have the bad habit of 'telling' a story, rather than 'showing' it. You're creating a world, not telling a story about what happened to your friends last week.

There's a lack of emotion too. You change perspectives, actually, you don't even have one, which is the cause of the 'telling'. You're giving us a overhead view. Give us raw emotion. Give the reader something to relate to, not just 'this happened, then this, now that person got mauled'.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Anyways, this is my 1st attempt of trying to make an original plot and to make it like interesting(thought it's kind of not, and it's inspired by Bleach, Pokemon, and Final Fantasy). I'm not much of a good writer since I somewhat do not make any sense, so I try to make this good.
Really? I got none of that. Is it crossover, or original?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Anyways, I kind of need help to make this better, so here's what happened before:

Ok, so Blaze is this 13 year old human/fire elemental hybrid whose father is gone and that he lives with his 19 year old brother(who is better than he is) and his mother in a parallel universe from ours, it's called Elementia, where there are humans with hidden power and these elemental monster.

So when summer started, there's this mysterious pattern of thunderstorms, and that mysteriously, his childhood friend, Raira, fell ill and that she's almost about to die.

And Rex, his classmate was also experiencing this, but he chooses to just go with Blaze and the others to receive the Crystal Lotus Flower. The main antagonist is the Dark Kingdom, and that Blaze has some connection with them and he doesn't know, that's all I came up with.
Really? You have backstory, but since you don't follow one character we get none of your background ideas. It's like catching a movie at it's climax and having no idea who any of the character's are and how they got there. Character development.
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  #3    
Old September 18th, 2012, 02:22 AM
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A person already proofread this in my dA account, and like I said, I'm not a good writer and that I said that not all of them make any sense. And I already proofread this and that I made a reference of them in Bleach and Final Fantasy, so no, it's not a crossover. e-o And that I tried to make them have character, but it's in the development stage, also for some of the words, I used a thesaurus to make them more scientific. I know that your giving me criticism but it felt a little harsh. Anyways, thanks for pointing this out so I'm changing this. Also, it was in the bushes, so it did cloak itself.
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  #4    
Old September 19th, 2012, 04:58 PM
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First, there's a difference between cloaking and concealment. Cover is something that can protect you, concealment helps to hide you. Cloaking is usually interpreted ala stealth camo style. A bush doesn't make you see-through-y.

This isn't a developmental stage though, it's a like a sneak preview trailer, gives faint ideas, but no body.
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  #5    
Old October 13th, 2012, 05:45 AM
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But it's not complete. You should know that I rushed into this story and that I didn't have any idea on what to do next and you should realize that I'm not that creative based off of how I wrote this.
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Old October 13th, 2012, 09:39 AM
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If it's not complete, then you shouldn't have posted this. That's against the section's rules. And if you rushed into this, then you shouldn't have posted it until you could work on it more so it doesn't have the rushed quality to it.

Think about other ideas you could use for this, especially since you admit that you're using the Final Fantasy series and Bleach for inspiration. Look at them and find what it was that inspired you for this, and then think about how you could use those ideas in your story.

Just don't post incomplete, rushed work.
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Old October 13th, 2012, 02:46 PM
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Volcanix769
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
If it's not complete, then you shouldn't have posted this. That's against the section's rules. And if you rushed into this, then you shouldn't have posted it until you could work on it more so it doesn't have the rushed quality to it.

Think about other ideas you could use for this, especially since you admit that you're using the Final Fantasy series and Bleach for inspiration. Look at them and find what it was that inspired you for this, and then think about how you could use those ideas in your story.

Just don't post incomplete, rushed work.
You are right. o-o And I'll try to find other ideas.
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