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  #1    
Old October 5th, 2012, 07:24 PM
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Obsidian5
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Hello everyone! I'm Obsidian5, known on other sites (i.e. PokeFarm.org) as an extremely talented writer, and I'm here to share the talent!
I now present, the 100% unedited version of...
Seven Paths, One Heart I
Prologue
Silver Futures


“Gaaah!” The Espeon cried as she heaved. Soleon, an Espeon was giving birth for the first time. “Come on, Soleon, you can do it! You’re Eevee’s almost out!” Said her brother, Luneon, an Umbreon. Finally, with one last scream, Soleon’s child’s egg was out. She gazed at the egg lovingly. “A girl… the egg is smaller than a boy’s,” said the father, Heateon.
Nine Months Later…
“She’s hatching!” Soleon cried in joy, completely not noticing the small pink cat floating behind her. Then again, Mew was invisible, so how could it expect her to see it? Noticing the small Eevee in the egg, Mew thought, Oh no … that Eevee wouldn’t survive past the next week! Wanting to help the first-birthing mother, Mew asked Dialga to stop time. Quickly rounding up a Fire Stone, Water Stone, and Thunder Stone, she deposited them at the clearing before collecting some Stardust, a Moon Stone, a Sun Stone, a Leaf Stone, and some Nevermeltice. She crushed them all up in a stone bowl and sprinkled the Stardust on it. Mixing the concoction up, Mew somehow managed to get the Eevee to swallow the fine Evolutionary powder. Telepathing for Dialga to start time again, Mew flew off, waiting for the events to come…

Now, please remember that this is COMPLETELY UNEDITED and wrote quite a few months ago. So yes, it does improve. But I simply must cringe at what I thought was awesome when I first wrote it.
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  #2    
Old October 5th, 2012, 09:24 PM
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Astinus
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
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Quote:
Now, please remember that this is COMPLETELY UNEDITED and wrote quite a few months ago. So yes, it does improve.
Please don't do this. You're pretty much saying that you're not giving us your best work and you know it. It's going to be difficult for anyone to review this because if they give you advice on how to improve what they currently see (this short 100% unedited part), then you might have already improved to that point (and beyond) so they just wasted their time.

You have an edited prologue on Pokefarm. Why not post that here and see what we think. You've decided to rewrite this story, so why not rewrite the prologue and maybe the first chapter, post those here, and we'll give you advice on that.
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  #3    
Old October 6th, 2012, 07:15 AM
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Obsidian5
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Well, you see, I was actually planning on posting the new one after the old one, just to show the (not very large) improvement that has past. I didn't mean to hinder good reviews, so I'll post the edited version (which, truthfully, I'm not happy about).

It was the night of the full moon. Everything was quiet in the small forest in Hoenn, almost completely silent. No one would have expected the screams coming from the center of the forest to be happening.
“Ahh!” The source of the screams, a soon-to-be mother Espeon, gasped out. “I… can’t…”
“Oh, yes, you most certainly can make complete sentences. Word’s giving Latico trouble, you hear me?” The Flareon father stated.
“Heat, I’m trying to be dramatic!” the Espeon yelled out, sitting on her haunches and completely forgetting the egg currently half-born. “Uhh… Esp, you’re supposed to be giving birth now.”
“Oh yeah.” Cue more screaming.
“Okay, it’s almost out now, about an inch or two to go—“
“Stop looking down there!”
“Ow… My head…”

-----------------------------------------

Eventually, Heat recovered from his Esp-born headache well enough to see the small egg-shaped egg. Which kinda means it’s just an egg, seeing as all eggs are egg-shaped. But I digress.
A star pulsed above, and out came the small pink cat known as Mew, who happens to also be the Mother of Life, which kinda is weird seeing as it’s genderless.
Mew, being the Mother of life, visits every first-time mother to make sure the baby can survive. But evident to it’s frown, the Eevee in the egg was most definitely not alright. Calling on the Dialga constellation to stop time, Mew promptly teleported itself inside the egg.
Mew quickly found the Eevee in question and quickly found out what was wrong. “No nerves in the body!” Mew exclaimed to itself. “That’s not an easy fix… And Pokemon don’t exactly have bubbles, either…”
After deciding on the best course of action, Mew turned the small kitten’s fur from silver to gold and back again. Granted, when in an egg, there is no fur. But regardless, it was theoretical, and you would have known what it meant if you read the original version. And I’m digressing again.
The job being done, Mew teleported out and, after restarting time again via the constellation communication used by all Legends, and flew off back into the star, seeing as Mew liked being a star. It’s comfy, being a six-hundred thousand mile in diameter ball of hydrogen gas. Don’t ask me why, it just is.

It's longer, of course. But, in my opinion, not that much better. I edited a bit out, mostly that which an ex-friend wanted me to put in. Which was the only reason I put it in.
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