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Old October 17th, 2012 (06:46 PM).
rageahollic33's Avatar
rageahollic33 rageahollic33 is offline
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(show scenes from the kanto area)


Ash: My name is Ash Ketchum. That's right the same Ash Ketchum who had won the Osaka League and became the Pokemon Master with my best friend Pikachu. Well that was 20 years ago now my son Cole is going on his journey and his dream is also to become a Pokemon Master. I hope he makes it to the Kanto League and faces me.



(at Professor Gary Oak's building)



Tara: Daddy where the heck is Cole?


Gary: Be patient Sweetie Cole will be here any moment.


Jerry: Hmph. Figures he will be late. He is lazy just like his father.


Gary: now son that is no way to talk about your friend like that.


Jerry: we are not friends. Coleslaw is pathetic just like his father. If you had not retired from being a trainer. You would be the one being the Master not Ash.


(Cole arrives in the building catching his breath)


Cole: Sorry I'm that I'm late.


Jerry: Hmph! Let me guess you over slept.


Cole: No. It's Just my alarm clock didn't go off.


Jerry: yeah right, You're just scared.


Cole: Scared of what?


Jerry: Scared of me kicking your butt!


Tara: GUYS!!!!!! Stop it!!!!!!!!!!


(both Jerry and Cole went silent)


Gary: Ok now that is out of the way. how about you three choose your pokemon. Tara since you were the one behaving you choose first.


(Tara looks at the pokemon)



Tara: awww they're all cute! It's hard for me to choose. I'm guessing I'm picking Umm.


Jerry: Hurry up already!


Tara: Okay!!!! sheesh! My first Pokemon that i choose is Squirtle.


(jerry and cole fight to see who goes first. the two remaining pokeballs rolled off and knocked allot of Pokeballs to the ground)



Gary: You two go over there and clean it up now!


(both boys cleaned up and picked up the two pokeballs)


Gary: Since you have those in your hand those the pokemon you are going to choose.


Jerry: Ok then lets see who I got.


(Jerry throws the Pokeball and out comes....)


Jerry: a Meowth? where the heck is Charmander?


Gary: wow I don't know I guess it got mixed up.


Jerry: eh. whocares? I guess I'll take Meowth. ok cole hurry up and lets see what pokemon you have?


Cole: what an Eevee?


Tara: wow an Eevee. that is good. and look he likes you.


Jerry: Um , i think its a girl.


Tara: oh!


Jerry: well anyways! Hey Cole how about a battle?


Cole: a battle you're on!


to be continued.....
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Old October 17th, 2012 (09:24 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Please include more description in your story and don't write in script fic. It's against the section's rules to post improperly-written script fics. So instead of
Quote:
Tara: Daddy where the heck is Cole?
you could have
Quote:
Tara asked, "Daddy, where the heck is Cole?"
Description would help let readers know who is who. It's hard to tell what's going on in the story and who everyone is. Like are Tara and Jerry twins of Gary's? And I'm not sure why you stopped the chapter right at the start of the battle. It's a weird place to end.

Grammar could use a little improvement too. Like
Quote:
If you had not retired from being a trainer. You would be the one being the Master not Ash.
could be one sentence. There's missing punctuation and punctuation throughout your chapter. A read-through before posting by you and/or a beta reader would fix those.

You can try rewriting your chapter to fit in with the rules (no script for dialogue) and fix up the grammar and missing description. But this thread is closed for not fitting the rules.
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