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  #1    
Old October 25th, 2012 (09:10 AM). Edited October 25th, 2012 by Demon Lord Ghirahim.
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Demon Lord Ghirahim Demon Lord Ghirahim is offline
 
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Jay, Relah, Reb and J.R... A quartet of best friends.

CHAPTER 1 – Aspertia City Set off!
This story is 5 years after Pokémon Black 2 & White 2! So it's 7 years after Black & White! Aspertia now takes up some more of Unova Route 19. “RELAH'S HERE!!” I had woke up to my mom. Then I realised... I'm 14 and a ½! Time to get my Pokémon! Outside, Relah had gave me the Pokémon I picked 2 days prior. A level 1 Snivy! It was now Level 5 though. Rebecca and J.R came running down the street! “Hey, guys! Want to have a 2 on 2 battle” J.R exclaimed. He had always been a fast runner (and talker for that matter). So it was 2 on 2. Me and Relah VS. J.R and Rebecca!
Relah had chose a Oshawott, J.R had a Tepig, and Reb had a Deino! “DEINO! USE DRAGON RAGE!” Reb commanded! “Oshawott, counter with Water gun!” Relah screamed! Would the water soak Deino? or will Deino's rage defeat Oshawott?
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  #2    
Old October 25th, 2012 (12:06 PM). Edited October 25th, 2012 by Volcanix769.
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So this is your first Fan Fiction right? I'm going to be a little harsh here, so don't get discouraged, so let's start now. BTW, this is my first review, so I might not make sense.

Ok, when you try to type your story, try to space out your stories, because that from quickly looking at this, it's just one paragraph. That's not even proper indenting and just reading one paragraph of a story is pretty annoying. And try to space out the title from the actual story.

Quote originally posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim:
This story is 5 years after Pokémon Black 2 & White 2! So it's 7 years after Black & White! Aspertia now takes up some more of Unova Route 19. “RELAH'S HERE!!” I had woke up to my mom. Then I realised... I'm 14 and a ½! Time to get my Pokémon!
This starts off with lacking detail. You should have given imagery in this, because it looks rushed. Give imagery at where he starts off and what he does, even when he tries to go and wake up his mom by saying "I rushed off towards my mom's room in a flash. Feeling delirious like a Chimchar, I then continuously shake my mom's body like if I were molding clay."

It looks as if it was typed in less than a minute. And give information on Jay, because we don't know who he is or about his backstory a bit. Also, you have a spelling error. It should be "realized".

Quote originally posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim:
Relah had gave me the Pokémon I picked 2 days prior. A level 1 Snivy! It was now Level 5 though. Rebecca and J.R came running down the street!

“Hey, guys! Want to have a 2 on 2 battle” J.R exclaimed.

He had always been a fast runner (and talker for that matter). So it was 2 on 2. Me and Relah VS. J.R and Rebecca!
Okay, format this correctly, because it's unnecessary for parenthesizing the words. You should have said: "He's always been a very fast runner, like if you would challenge in a race, you would see him sprint like a Jolteon. And he's always a big mouth that's like a leaking faucet."

Quote originally posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim:
Relah had chose a Oshawott, J.R had a Tepig, and Reb had a Deino! “DEINO! USE DRAGON RAGE!” Reb commanded! “Oshawott, counter with Water gun!” Relah screamed! Would the water soak Deino? or will Deino's rage defeat Oshawott?
This shows lack of emotion while doing battling. You should have typed on how Relah and Oshawott felt when the fiery, raging blast of Deino was about to reach to them. And how it ends is totally uninteresting with it. It's not a cliffhanger.


Overall, I see that you do have potential there, but it needs a lot of work, let me repeat them again:

Mainly you need to indent and format your sentences correctly, because reading a block as a page is a total eyesore. Also, work on the grammar and the tenses. Had is past, as in before it happened, and Has is present, as in right now.

Next, try to add vividness, because reading your story is very boring. I mean really, who wants to read:

Quote originally posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim:
Rebecca and J.R came running down the street!
To be honest, but I wasn't really hooked into this story, I mean, it's just a regular story. Many people might find it that too just from reading this. Also, levels are not in Fan Fictions, you're typing this as if it was a game or something. I'm not trying to say that you're a bad writer, but you need to improve a lot, then I'll try to look at this again.

Head on the Writer's Lounge because that there are a few threads that can totally help your problems. And one more thing, try to look at other people's fan fictions and see on how they did it, because it can really help.
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  #3    
Old October 26th, 2012 (01:25 AM).
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Demon Lord Ghirahim Demon Lord Ghirahim is offline
 
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I'm going to take your advice. I could've done better, but I wrote this about 5 days before. I was really tired at that time. It really downgrades my writing.
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Old October 26th, 2012 (01:27 AM).
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Demon Lord Ghirahim Demon Lord Ghirahim is offline
 
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Oh, and how do you do paragraphs here?
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  #5    
Old October 26th, 2012 (01:34 AM).
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Just easy, just space out every sentence that's finished or have no connection towards the others.
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Old October 26th, 2012 (01:45 AM).
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Demon Lord Ghirahim Demon Lord Ghirahim is offline
 
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Could I use what you said I should of writ?
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  #7    
Old October 26th, 2012 (11:16 AM).
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Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Just easy, just space out every sentence that's finished or have no connection towards the others.
To add onto this, just hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph.

Quote originally posted by Demon Lord Ghirahim:
Could I use what you said I should of writ?
If you mean using exactly what Volcanix wrote, I wouldn't advise doing that. That's stealing another person's work. You can look at what he wrote and think about how to write in that style for your story. Plus, Volcanix has his own unique style of writing, and if yours doesn't match his, that one part would be really obvious.

Quote:
I was really tired at that time. It really downgrades my writing.
Understandable. The same thing happens to me as well. The best thing to do is go back to your story when you're more awake and fix it up before you post it. This way, we get to see your better writing instead of your tired writing.
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