The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Advertise here

Reply
Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.  
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old November 3rd, 2012, 06:32 PM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful

Advertise here
This is a remake of my old story posted a year ago! Link: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=267768


Marowak: The Avenger


In Ilex Forest, frigid winds traveled across the silent, tropical area as they pushed leaves and grass lightly. Almost every Pokemon that resides at this distant, remote area are mostly set in intense hibernation. Except a lone wolf Marowak that’s in the center of the forest with no trees cascading her presence.

Her succulent, large, sleek leaves that she lightly placed onto the unhatched eggs allowed them to take their snuggling warmth and protection. One egg shakes violently as a small opening allows the young to view the whole world.

The mother quietly trailed off to the forest. She equipped her bone and harshly slashed off the dormant, unreachable leaves from their peaceful slumber. She swiftly grasped them and she slowly walks cautiously, managing not to let the glassy leaves pour out of her vibrating hands, until she bashed into a shady, metallic, gray robust figure that's blocking her view.

The unknown figure turns around towards her, and groaned in a harsh tone to display his annoyance towards the oblivious Marowak. It turned around with an irritated expression on its face, startling the Marowak as she scampers back. Then it released a harsh, monstrous bellow towards her face and ears that caused her eardrums to ring a vibrating pain inside her head.

Its menacing blue eyes gave an intimidation to the Marowak as she moves back. She's harshly astonished as she's glaring at this disturbing view. Even his gray, steel hard plates let out a bright shine towards her eyes, making her vision moderately obscure. There is no single dent or tear on the polished armor.

The mother harshly shivers with constant, painful grief punching her heart. If she doesn't take care of the babies, who will be left to care for these infants? She flees as the Aggron follows her, until they're at the center of the forest with no other passageways for elusion.

The curious young slowly went close to the little opening and stuck out his big eye to view on what's happening. The infuriated Aggron tried using Head Smash as it quickly rams toward her. But the Marowak quickly used her bone to shield the collision. Her body was slowly being planted into the ground as she is being pushed back.

Then Aggron used Hammer Arm as he placed his big fist up towards the clear, blue sky while his clear plates bounced the bright sunlight. Once he lashed it out on her, she quickly protects herself by using the rock hard bone over her skull. The bone slowly let out a small cracking noise. The Marowak quickly became aware as she quickly glanced up on her bone as the crack enlarges. The bone was split into two!

The baby was harshly astonished on what he's just seeing from this horrible sight. Why aren’t there any other bones to get a hold on? Then the enormous Aggron picked her up, squeezing her tender body while she slowly opened her mouth and screeching painfully. Then he harshly sends her to the ground!

She let out a loud, painful screech as the emotionless Aggron glares at her. She tried getting up as she shivers, feeling a tangled suffocation in her lungs as blood spews out of her mouth. Then he harshly stomps his foot on her back! He slowly creams her to the ground with his enormous foot. She tried calling out for help, but it came out as a scratchy, quiet voice.

Grasping her head, the Aggron harshly tries to squeeze it, causing the skull her head's binded with to shatter like glass. Dark, red, blood leaked out of her eyelids and mouth, dripping incessantly, faintly echoing pattering noises that infuriates the Aggron's well being. Aggron swung out his right arm, harshly tossing her empty carcass into the bushes, causing a flock of leaves to shake in annoyance as they uphold her. The Aggron polished off the big blotches of sticky, red blood from his tainted armor dotted over his body. He slowly went back to his sleeping spot, done with his drastic murder.

The baby busts out of the egg and sprints towards his mom. But he now knows that she's passed away. He never got the opportunity to play with, or try to get to know her. Where has the father gone to? He got heavily slaughtered by a merciless Charizard.

Baring an endless, dark, dreadful hole to grow inside his stomach, he desperately tries to shake the corpse. It has a massive quantity of scrapes slashed all over it body as blood persists to ooze out, causing the baby to become intimidated. Her body's eyes are wide open along its blank, meaningless gaze.

But the body showed no response of mobility. For days he weeps while he's on top of the corpse for days while the crystal, clear droplets of rain desired to touch everyone so it can feel their sorrow and pain, especially the lonely, depressed Cubone. The rain stopped as the puffy, white clouds began to disassemble, revealing the bright sun that greeted the whole planet.

The Cubone was sleeping on his mother with his hands and head on her belly, until he heard cracking noises travelling towards his ear. He slowly opened his eyes and glanced at his siblings hatching out of their dormant state of development.

He dashed towards them, feeling relieved to see that they all hatched together. The newly-hatched pups all looked up and glanced at the worried Cubone reaching them. Then the oldest Cubone told them that their parents are no longer with them. He showed her abused carcass. They bursted out with loud bawls of crying and snuggled up together, hugging each other. They have no one look over them with the exception of their oldest sibling.

To signify the sign of being the eldest, he quickly grasped her moderate cracked skull and one of his late mother's femur bones. He slowly dragged the slightly eroded carcass into the shady, green bushes out of everyone's sight, and looked over his siblings' safety. He vowed that he will kill that Aggron for the merciless slaughter of his innocent mother.

A few weeks have flown by. The Cubone was near a close by river. With his eyes closed, he heard the faint sounds of the water splashing on the ground and stones sending a euphoria traveling towards his ear. Once he was completely focused with his eyes open, he leaped up into the sky and quickly dived down with his bone centered in front of his face with his other limbs close to his body. He quickly tried bashing the sturdy, polished, gray boulder with his bone club. But not a single dent was created on the steel hard boulder.

Suddenly he was aware of a human's faint voice with a young Pokemon's soft cry traveling from the quiet bushes. He quickly leaped into the bushes, and took a glimpse of a young red haired boy glancing in the bushes with a Cyndaquil near his leg.

"I must make sure that I can get that Cubone for Professor Elm. Quil, try to look for one as well." The boy said as he walks cautiously in the tranquil forest while his blue eyes viewing the whole area in search of a Cubone.

"Quil Cynda." Cyndaquil quickly placed his head down and slowly crawled as he tries to look and hear for a Cubone.

The Cubone felt a sharp pain twisting his stomach. He worries that those 2 might take them in a mysterious place, then he wonders on what this "Professor Elm" will do them. He quickly dashed towards where he hid them and tried to make sure that they are well protected. The Cyndaquil heard faint whimpering coming from the center of the forest.

"Quil Quil! Cynda!" the Cyndaquil yelled, with seriousness resonating out of his cry.

"You found them!?" the boy roughly asked. Cyndaquil nodded his head to display his loyalty.

They bolted into the center of the forest. They glanced around the whole area left and right, until they discovered the grim Cubone with his arm placed while grasping on the bone and the intimidated siblings clustered up together. The young siblings starts to quiver as sweat pours down out of their tensed, vibrating bodies. Even though they are perplexed by how they might be split apart, the older Cubone rejects the option of being captured.

The Cubone and the Cyndaquil began their fight. Adrenaline rushed into the Cubone's bloodstream as he springs up to the sky, so does the Cyndaquil. He pours in all of his power and frustration into the bone, feeling extremely furious of this Cyndaquil for wanting to defeat him. When he was about to swing out the bone to Cyndaquil, the Cyndaquil quickly went over the infuriated Cubone's head.

The Cubone was amazed by how agile this Cyndaquil is. He lost his stability and plunged down to the ground, slamming face-first into the tree, causing leaves to shower down to him. He quickly got up and harshly brushed off the leaves. He lets out an annoyed glare towards the Cyndaquil as he lands gracefully on all of his legs. The Cyndaquil somersaulted and spins as his massive flames erupted out of his back. He still persists to do this as the fire starts to engulf him in flames.

The Cubone was astonished he sees that the fire reformed into an enormous, fierce, flaming wheel. He slowly cowers back as he views this big combustion towering over him. The Cyndaquil quickly rams the Cubone to the tree, causing a huge burst of the tree. The Cubone lied down face flat while he’s unable to battle this difficult Pokemon. He slams the ground in frustration with his fists clenched. His teeth were clenched together as he quietly snarls, showing this Cubone's anger and revenge for this. He looks up to the boy with the Cyndaquil trailing off as they began to fade and fade until they are no longer seen.

The Cubone got up and dashed towards his astonished siblings. There's not a single scratch on the siblings' soft, sleek bodies. All of them, including the oldest Cubone, quivered to each other as they weep and weep. Cubone feels extremely lost in the head for how he was defeated by that Cyndaquil.

With his unbelievably swift speed that makes him completely untouchable along with his destructive power coursing in his body makes him unbelievably strong for a young Cyndaquil, along with his destructive Flame Wheel attack was really devastating that he can even send the whole forest on fire if not used properly.

He trashed it out of his mind and slowly walked to his mother's corpse. Her body is completely left with just little, cracked bones while the soothing and calm breeze slowly gathers away her remains. The young gathered together their hands tightly grasped on each other's back together and bawled in depression. Then the older Cubone took this as nothing and slowly trailed off the river.

After 7 weeks, the Cubone finally mastered Bonerang. The bone rushes back to his open palm, then he heard a loud shriek cascading out of center. He briskly plunges into the bushes and jumps out to the center, and he saw an Aggron menacingly staring at the terrified siblings as they are bunched up together, shivering in agony. His monstrous grumbling caused the petrified young to let sweat rush out of their prickly fur. The Cubone peered closely until he remembers on how familiar this Aggron is.

Same monstrous tone, atrocious blue eyes, with robust, chrome, shiny armor. He already knows that one day, he'll meet that Aggron and slaughter it for what that monster did to his mother when he was just born. Before the Aggron was slash out the babies, the Cubone starts to evolve. A bright flash of light made the Aggron's vision obscure as he moves back from the terrified Cubone. This Cubone is finally a fully fledged Marowak.

He quickly leaps out of the bushes just in time. Before that Aggron was about to slash the Cubone, Marowak briskly dashed towards the Aggron and swung out his bone and shielded the hit. The Aggron grasped his hand and saw small scrapes on his teared claws.
He was disoriented for that swift attack. The Marowak glanced up at the enormous Aggron. Then he put his clenched fist up as he harshly huffs and puff, venting out hot, tensed puffs of air out of his mouth. They both dashed towards each other and their hits clashed as the strong, dangerous force of wind emerging out of their hits began to push away the children as they were being split apart.

They stopped their clashing. The newly evolved Marowak tried using Bone Club by harsly bashing the sturdy Aggron back and forth, but not a single scratch or tear came out of the armor. He was amazed by the sturdy armor. Ground types are REALLY effective against Rock/Steel types. The Aggron angrily pushed the Marowak away from him. The Marowak fell on his legs and got up, exhaling out hot puffs of air and frustration.

The Marowak jumped out of the ground and harshly swung his bone towards the Aggron's head, and the Aggron didn't even flinch or have a single tear. The Aggron got infuriated and grabbed the Marowak's tender body. The strongest he could, he squeezed the body, causing the Marowak to feel a sharp pain all over his stomach.

He slammed the Marowak to the ground! The Marowak slowly tried getting up as he struggles to get on his feet. Then he was harshly whipped by the Aggron's long, sturdy Iron tail. Marowak was bashed to a tree, and slipped to the ground. He slowly tried to get up, but the Aggron then grabbed him tight, not letting this Marowak slip out of his tough hands. He then tossed him to the sky.
The Marowak was unable to move, since his body is badly damaged. The Aggron slowly opened his mouth as he began to charge in a Hyper Beam as a small, reddish white, glowing light began to emerge out of his mouth as it creates a rushing echo out of it.

Then he lets out the blast. It was briskly rushing towards the Marowak. The Marowak turned around and saw the blast coming to him. His heart was being twisted, until he was collided by the strong blast, giving out a big explosion as it pushed the trees and bushes harshly. Marowak was sent to the bushes and concealed himself, not letting that monstrosity expose him. The Marowak sensed a nauseous feel in his stomach on how this Aggron is massively strong.

He was extremely frustrated on how strong and difficult this Aggron is, along with how his attacks seem to make Aggron unaffected. Then he he glanced back on how Bone Rush and Earthquake can work as a combo. They can work! He ran back to the Aggron, and quickly did a stance with his left leg planted in the front with his arm as well while holding the bone.

When the Aggron was about attack the Marowak, he felt a small, tensed, medium earthquake as it emits out rumbles and cracks from the bottom. The Aggron's astonished with his mouth open, his heart racing and his eyes tensed up, wondering on what's going on. Then the rumbles increased as it became more and more stronger. The Aggron lost his balance and fell down, unable to get up. Then the Marowak grabbed the heavy ton Aggron and tossed him to the sky effortlessly.

Then he springs up and used Bone Rush as he swings his long bone right at his stomach as a scratchy roar emits out of the sickly Aggron. The Aggron plunged down to the ground as he was still being forcefully moved until he slowed down. He slowly tries to get up, but he doesn't have the potential to. Marowak sprints towards him and flinged him to a tree. Then he jumps towards his neck and used Cut to exterminate him once and for all.

In just an instant, blood quickly erupted out of his head and neck. The eyes quickly bursted as the Aggron's lifeless carcass fell down while puffs of dust are being formed. Marowak traced his eyes toward it, seeing blood trailing towards his soaked leg. The Vengeance is complete.

When the Marowak went to his unharmed siblings, they were very excited on how he evolved and defeated that monstrous Aggron. At night when the Marowak was about to rest with his sibling, he heard a ghastly, echoing moan travelling into his head. That voice is completely familiar. Then he finally saw the ghost of his own mother slowly fade in. His heart was quickly thrashing his chest as joyful, blissful tears began rushing out of his eyes.

She thanks him for killing the Marowak and how he would train till this fateful day. Feeling sentimental, he was about to touch her joyful soul, until she quickly faded away. He sniffles as he brushes off the tears. Then he looked up, happily smiling. If something bad happens to them, he will make sure that he can exterminate every bad people in the harsh way.
__________________

Last edited by Volcanix769; December 6th, 2012 at 12:44 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old November 4th, 2012, 06:44 AM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Ah, I haven't posted a review in a while. Might as well try my hand at this then. I have a few nitpicks before I start going into the story itself:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
At Ilex Forest, frigid winds travel across the silent, tropical area as it pushed leaves and grass lightly.
'In' instead of 'at' just sounds better to me. Ilex Forest isn't really tropical either. It's in Johto, which has a temperate climate, while Hoenn would be the region with the tropical climate. Another major issue arises from here and that's the fact that you aren't very consistent with your verb tense. You used 'travel' and 'pushed' in the same sentence. They are clearly in different tenses (one being in present, the latter in the past). It's quirky when you do this and reads funny, and it gets confusing when the verbs mix into each other. Keep the same verb tense throughout the whole story and stick with it.

'It' is improper pronoun usage, as the preceding noun 'winds' is plural and not singular. 'It' should be 'they.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Except one that’s in the center of the forest with no trees surrounding her.

This one is a Marowak.
I've always found this to be a pet peeve of mine when you don't introduce the name initially and beat around the bush to say, at last, 'This is [insert name.' Just start with the character instead of saying everything but their name. In this case, it would be 'Except a Marowak that's in the center of the forest . . .'

And why is a Marowak in Ilex Forest anyway? They're typically in rocky, mountainous habitats that include caves. It could have been Rock Tunnel, which is where Cubone are commonly found.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
She is gathering various leaves and bark to protect her young so they can hatch. One egg shakes vigorously, and a small hole allows the young to glance on what's going on.
By protect I hope you mean incubate. Also, it doesn't make sense for a hole to be in the egg if the Pokemon inside isn't hatching. If there's a hole that means it would be hatching. It would not stop halfway and just sit in there. I mean, it's shaking vigorously, so that would imply it's hatching.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The mother went back to the forest, she used her bone and sliced the leaves way up on the tree, and she quickly grasped them in keen sight and walked at a slow pace, until she banged at an enormous, metallic, white hard object that's blocking her view.
The first bolded doesn't make too much sense to me since you already said she's in the forest. Maybe you meant back to the trees. And the first bolded is followed by a comma splice. The comma after 'forest' should be removed and replaced with a period.

'In keen sight' doesn't make sense here. Take it out.

The last bolded is a bit funky. At first I thought she ran into a car of some sorts, but that would be kinda stupid if it's blocking her view, which implies that she saw it. 'Banged' sounds weird too - 'ran into' sounds better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
It turned around with it's intense demeanor.
'It's' is the conjunction for 'it is.' The possessive form is 'its.' This also borders along show-don't-tell territory, because you say intense demeanor rather than actually describing it. It sort of loses the tone, and I can't really see the how the Aggron would look. It doesn't appear all that angry. You should actually try to describe how the Aggron reacted or how angry it looked rather than just saying so.

Also, Aggron aren't native to Johto, so the Pokemon choice is weird as well as the fact that Aggron aren't even native in forests.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Then it released a harsh, monstrous bellow towards her overwhelmed face that's pushing her body harshly.
As it is now, her face is pushing her body.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Its menacing blue eyes gave an intimidation to the Marowak as she moves back, astonished as she's just glancing at this just now.
Weird wording here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Even his steel hard armor shines and that there is no single tear on it. He's even bigger than an Emboar.
This is also a weird comparison. I don't see how a Marowak could compare an Aggron to an Emboar if she hasn't seen an Emboar before.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The mother was astonished as she shivers with constant grief punching her inside her heart.
You already said she's astonished, but the constant grief makes no sense because there isn't anything to grieve about at the moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
She flees as the Aggron took its attention to her, until they were at the center of the forest.
'Took its attention' is funny to say. You could have easily said 'followed her' instead. And it's sort of stupid on the Marowak's part if she lead the Aggron to the center where her eggs are. If they battle there, there's a high possibility that the eggs might break.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The baby went close to the shattered holes to glance what is going on.
Pokemon don't have unlimited room inside an egg. They're pretty crammed in there, so when they're old enough, they can easily crack it. Once again, it's weird to have a hole. That would mean fluids spill out and everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The furious Aggron tried using Head Smash as it rams towards her at a fast pace. But the Marowak quickly used her bone to shield the collision. When it collided, the bone endured the hit.
You just used 'collision' so don't use 'collided' right after it. Mix up your diction.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Then Aggron used Hammer Arm as he placed his hand up, bouncing the bright sun that was irritating it.
What sun?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
She protected her herself by using in over her head, the bone snapped into two!
'In over her head'? And by bone I hope you mean 'skull.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The baby was shocked on what he's just seeing from this horrible movie. The mother has no other bones to use. Then the enormous Aggron picked her up and slammed her hard to the ground.
There are other bones the Marowak could use (why bones of all things?), such as her ribcage, toes, fingers, spine, etc. What I don't get is why isn't the Marowak fighting back. It just sort of takes these hits, and Aggron aren't that fast. She should have plenty of time to counter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
She tried getting up as she shivers, feeling sick to her stomach, then he harshly stomped his foot on her.
'Feeling sick to her stomach' is not a good description for when she's in intense pain. She cracked her skull.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He squished her with such great force as blood rushes out of her back while she cries for help.
Why her back? If that's being squished, the blood would flow away from that point and go out her mouth or... the other end. That's what I think, anyway, but it definitely not be through her back.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Aggron threw her carcass to the trees, and went away when he's done from his settled business.
So I've been wondering why the Aggron even bothered killing her. Even in the wild Pokemon doesn't usually kill each other in battles, as many of the times when a Pokemon faints they'd leave the fallen alone.

Also, the battle wasn't really described particularly well. A lot of things just happened, which meant that you listed a lot of attacks. There wasn't much description or imagery. You should try adding in some thoughts or imagery to make the battle seem more interesting.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The baby rushed out of his egg and ran towards his mom.
No, this isn't how eggs work.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
But he sees her DEAD.
Why is dead capitalized?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He never even got the chance to play with her, or try to get to know her.
Babies don't really think this way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Where is his father? He died too from a Charizard after that same incident.
You didn't need to mention this. The bolded implies that the father just died.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
She has scars all over her body as blood came out of them like a river current.
Scars? They wouldn't form after the tissue heals. You mean cuts, scrapes, bruises, and gashes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
Her eyes are wide open with her pupils having a blank stare with red crackles created.
Awkward wording again.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He cries on her empty shell of a body for painful days days, until he turned around and saw his brothers and sisters have hatched out of their dormant state of development.
Why did you repeat days?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
They have no one to take care of except that the oldest relative.
You're missing a 'them' after 'of.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He hid the mother's carcass out of keen sight, and tried making sure that his younger siblings are OK.
Why keen sight? And why OK? Use 'okay.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
A few weeks later, when he was training by using Bone Club on a boulder, he heard n human noises.
There's a random 'n' here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He leaped into a bush, and took a glimpse of a red haired boy with a yellow shirt, gray goggles on his sleek hair, blue jeans, and brown gloves.
Why are you describing the trainer? You don't need to. All that's important is that there's a trainer around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The boy commanded as he tries to walk cautiously for it.
What is 'it'?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
"Quil Cynda." Quil put his head down and tried picking their scent.
Cyndaquil aren't based off bloodhounds, and they aren't hunter animals, so they wouldn't have that good of a nose to find Pokemon. Besides, it hasn't even smelled a Cubone before, so it wouldn't know what it's sniffing for.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
The boy ran and tried finding the young babies. But since they are hidden, they left.
If they beat the Cubone, why didn't they catch it?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
It was fast like a Jolteon and that its Flame Wheel attack was really devastating that it can even send the whole forest on fire.
How does the Cubone know all of this? It shouldn't have had that much experience with these sort of things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
He got over it and went to his mom's carcass.
There's no reasoning for this.

At this point, I think I've reached my limit. There are a lot of things that just don't make sense, and it doesn't seem like you thought all the way through for this. Even more, the wording gets awkward, and some words aren't even particularly necessary, so you should cut down on a few things. Additionally, your constant use of similes with other Pokemon doesn't provide that much of a description, and it's sort of moot once you consider that the Pokemon making the comparisons shouldn't have that much experience with the Pokemon you want to compare. Besides, you should be trying to describe Pokemon yourself. The similes sort of make everything unclear and even more hazy, because they don't show your interpretation of Pokemon at all.

The battles were really short and simply a series of attacks. There isn't much description there either. You should add more imagery and emotions, especially with the Cubone fighting off the Aggron for revenge. Actually, more descriptions or more words dedicated to the emotions would have helped me feel more for this story, but at the moment I feel nothing. It just reads as a revenge story while there is so much more potential.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old November 4th, 2012, 06:54 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
At this point, I think I've reached my limit. There are a lot of things that just don't make sense, and it doesn't seem like you thought all the way through for this. Even more, the wording gets awkward, and some words aren't even particularly necessary, so you should cut down on a few things. Additionally, your constant use of similes with other Pokemon doesn't provide that much of a description, and it's sort of moot once you consider that the Pokemon making the comparisons shouldn't have that much experience with the Pokemon you want to compare. Besides, you should be trying to describe Pokemon yourself. The similes sort of make everything unclear and even more hazy, because they don't show your interpretation of Pokemon at all.

The battles were really short and simply a series of attacks. There isn't much description there either. You should add more imagery and emotions, especially with the Cubone fighting off the Aggron for revenge. Actually, more descriptions or more words dedicated to the emotions would have helped me feel more for this story, but at the moment I feel nothing. It just reads as a revenge story while there is so much more potential.
You should have known that I wasn't even checking carefully, and it's hard for me to convey it out and YOU should have understood this.
__________________

Last edited by Volcanix769; November 4th, 2012 at 07:35 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old November 4th, 2012, 07:17 AM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
You should have known that I wasn't even checking carefully, and it's hard for me to convey it out.......
This isn't much of an excuse. You should be proofreading and you should at least try. If you don't take your first steps, how will you ever walk?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old November 4th, 2012, 07:30 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
This isn't much of an excuse. You should be proofreading and you should at least try. If you don't take your first steps, how will you ever walk?
How is it not? I posted this in 3 different websites and I constantly check on all of them. I do try and when I posted this before, I revised some words and stuff.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old November 4th, 2012, 09:35 AM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
How is it not? I posted this in 3 different websites and I constantly check on all of them. I do try and when I posted this before, I revised some words and stuff.
.__.

You said that you weren't checking carefully. This is getting all backwards now. But one thing for sure is that you should be proofreading before you even post, and the thing about trying is that you should actually try to provide some sort of imagery and other descriptions to give flavor to your story.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #7    
Old November 4th, 2012, 09:37 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
.__.

You said that you weren't checking carefully. This is getting all backwards now. But one thing for sure is that you should be proofreading before you even post, and the thing about trying is that you should actually try to provide some sort of imagery and other descriptions to give flavor to your story.
Yeah but in my style, it's not really easy and I just end up frustrated. Like I've been observing many people's work to get ideas of imagery. But when I try to do it, it just ends up wrong.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8    
Old November 4th, 2012, 04:20 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Here is a quick crash course to general imagery pertaining to the five senses. Of course it won't be limited to just those senses, but it should (hopefully) give you a general idea. Besides, you want to be able to establish a mood, and that's usually established through imagery of some sorts.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9    
Old November 4th, 2012, 04:21 PM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
Quote:
Originally Posted by psyanic View Post
Here is a quick crash course to general imagery pertaining to the five senses. Of course it won't be limited to just those senses, but it should (hopefully) give you a general idea. Besides, you want to be able to establish a mood, and that's usually established through imagery of some sorts.
Thanks for helping me though, I was just angry. I'll look at the guide.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #10    
Old December 6th, 2012, 12:45 PM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
EDIT: I fixed some parts of this story. So feel free to read this.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #11    
Old December 7th, 2012, 10:00 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Send a message via AIM to bobandbill Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to bobandbill
I'd say that there's still some work to do in editing here, primarily with tense confusion and clarity of the sentence structure. It's a consistent problem so I'll only mention a few instances of it, starting with the opening paragraph.
Quote:
In Ilex Forest, frigid winds traveled across the silent, tropical area as they pushed leaves and grass lightly. Almost every Pokemon that resides at this distant, remote area are mostly set in intense hibernation. Except a lone wolf Marowak that’s in the center of the forest with no trees cascading her presence.
To begin with, there's 'traveled' and 'pushed', which are past-tense words. The next sentence however used 'resides', a present-tense word (rather than 'resided'). I'd suggest first deciding which tense you want to use in the story, and then stick to it. Mixing up tenses makes the writing sound awkward, messes with the pacing and is distracting to the reader as a result.

The last sentence shouldn't be its own sentence, as it is incomplete. Although you can start sentence with 'Except' it's not a usually good choice and here it sounds odd. As it is referring to the previous sentence you would be better off joining it with it (e.g. '...set in intense hibernation, except for a lone wolf Marowak...').

'No trees cascading her presence' sounds rather odd and too flowery as well; I'm not very sure of what you are really trying to say. Be sure that what you write is clear to the reader. In cases it is better to forego description if it's going to drown out the story. For reference, cascading means 'A waterfall or a series of small waterfalls over steep rocks.', 'Something, such as lace, thought to resemble a waterfall or series of small waterfalls, especially an arrangement or fall of material.' or 'A succession of stages, processes, operations, or units.', none of those which fit with trees (nor did additional ones such as electronic defininitions).
Quote:
She swiftly grasped them and she slowly walks cautiously,
Sometimes you overdo 'She ___'; twice in the same sentence is a bit much. The main point here I want to make is on the tenses again; 'grasped' is past, and 'walks' present. It's either grasped and walked, or grasps and walks, not a mixture of them.

One other major point I'll raise is how you start sentences with 'He', 'The' or 'She' too often. For instance during the battles with Cyndaquil and Cubone the first two cropped up an awful lot, which began to make the story sound too repetitive. Try to mix it up some more.


There is improvement over the previous version I saw ages back from memory, mind, but there's still a lot you can do. If you wish to edit some more then I advise just working on these points for now. Clarity, proper/not repetitiven sentence structure and tense confusion are major aspects after all, so they deserve attention first and foremost.
__________________


Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
The BBS Forums!
Gain achievements for activity on forums & the games!
Home of Wynaut? Webzine; looking for contributors!
Reply With Quote
  #12    
Old December 8th, 2012, 04:25 AM
Volcanix769's Avatar
Volcanix769
Known as the Quilava Guy!
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Gender: Male
Nature: Careful
Well I have a tendency to write improper words in tense because that's what I automatically think when I write these and sometimes I don't notice it and I try to go back to it as soon as I can. Also, I'll try to use their pronouns more often to let you readers know who they are. Also for cascade, I use that since I've been working on emphasis and I've been using a guide psyanic gave me and I've been learning for my inspiration on deviantART.
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links


Advertise here
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 02:30 PM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.