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  #1    
Old Posted November 7th, 2012 (03:13 PM).
ginalovespokemon's Avatar
ginalovespokemon
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EEVEE

Once apon a time there was an eevee, the eevee was born on a summer night in the kanto region.
Eevee grew up happy until on day! Eevee's nightmare came true, all his family and friends been caught by newly trainers seeking the kanto land.
Pore eevee ren away from the unhappyness and terror he just saw with his own eyes.
Eevee traveld from kanto to jotho, he made some friends with a pichu and a staryu, who traveld with him till they came to hoenn were they been caugth by traveling pokémon trainers.
In a forest near the sinnoh region Eevee stayed, lonley, hungry and fearfull he lays between the branches dreaming and thinking of his family and friend who he lost by the humans.
Eevee's ear went up, what did I hear he thought, bouwed to the ground he croutched and eevee froze with big eye's.
Don't be afraid said a voise, eevee looked around of were the voise came from, but saw nothing.
Don't be scared said a other voise, eevee began to shiver he thought the humans are there to catch him next.
But then he saw 2 other pokémon witch he never saw before, Don't worry we won't hurt you said a kind voise.
Eevee had big eye's behind the 2 pokémon was a human, the human knieled infront of eevee.
Don't be scared little one the humand said, eevee looked at the 2 pokémon.
He asked what are you 2 doing why are you with this human and who are you?
The only thing the human heared was EEVEE, EEV,EEVEE, EEV, EEV EEV, EEVEE, EEV
The 2 pokémon that came with the human introduced them selfs to eevee, Hi said the pink pokémon, I am mew and this is, mew pointed at leafeon, this is my friend leafeon.
Eevee looked and smiled, mew said that humans and pokémon ment to be friends and pokémon been caught and that the humans are very good to pokémon.
Again the human only heard mew, mew,me, mew, me.
The human scratch his head and he said wel do you wnat to join us little on?
Eevee stared at mew and leafeon they both shuke there head yes, eevee looked at the human and jumped in his armes.


-Will eevee be happy once again? We wil know in the next blog of eevee-
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  #2    
Old Posted November 9th, 2012 (02:15 PM).
Heracles4
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Gender: Male
1. You should have good grammar if you want to write one of these
2. This is the wrong section...
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Arceus Drops ~ Remembering







I don't calculate stat values, I don't breed my way to perfection, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are, and treat them like individuals instead of brainless drones. If you use this philosophy, copy & paste this into your signature.
  #3    
Old Posted November 9th, 2012 (06:40 PM).
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Astinus
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As Heracles4 said, this is in the wrong section. All stories go in the main forum of this section. I can move it for you.

He should have at least pointed out the grammar issues that he saw so you can improve on them. Otherwise, you'll never know what you did wrong, and you might think that that means you can never post your stories here. Which isn't true.
  #4    
Old Posted November 10th, 2012 (08:53 AM).
Heracles4
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Gender: Male
Sorry Astinus, I was in a hurry.

Alright...Lets see..

I see some spelling errors such as "on" instead of "one"..

You also need to work on dialogue. Proper dialogue goes like this:

"Hey!", Bob yelled to Sally

Oh, some more spelling errors:

You have "voise" instead of "Voice"

"knieled" instead of "kneeled"

"Witch" instead of "which"

"Unhappyness" instead of "Unhappiness"

"ment" instead of "Meant"

"Lonley" instead of "Lonely"

"Bouwed" instead of "Bowed"

"Newly" instead of "New"

"traveld" instead of "Travelled"

"Croutched" instead of "Crouched"

I also saw some other grammar errors:

Eye's should not have the apostraphe because it is not possessive


I'm sorry I can't fix all the dialogue errors for you, you'll have to do it on your own..
__________________
Arceus Drops ~ Remembering







I don't calculate stat values, I don't breed my way to perfection, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are, and treat them like individuals instead of brainless drones. If you use this philosophy, copy & paste this into your signature.
  #5    
Old Posted November 10th, 2012 (04:06 PM).
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Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it
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Honestly, I wonder if this was written as a joke. It's so badly done. Names and countries aren't capitalized, no dialogue puncutation whatsoever, common words aren't spelled correctly, and there's no format at all. The only way I can believe it's not a joke or really really bad writing is if you're writing as a Pokémon, which even then, it's not even worth reading.

Suggestion, use a writing program like Microsoft Word, should filter out some of the terrible spelling, and then start researching proper English grammar, because there's none to be had here.
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  #6    
Old Posted November 10th, 2012 (06:15 PM). Edited November 18th, 2012 by Volcanix769.
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Volcanix769
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Oh my....... there's no need to bold out every text of this small, unplaced short story. Also what's with the title? It's kind of cliche and it's not enticing towards other readers. And I'm going to be kind of angry on this, so don't get sad about what I'm saying now. There is SO much lack of detail and vividness and that there's a lot of grammar problems along with minor spelling errors sprinkled across this entire story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginalovespokemon View Post
Eevee stared at mew and leafeon they both shuke there head yes, eevee looked at the human and jumped in his armes. The human scratch his head and he said wel do you wnat to join us little on?
Mew should be capitalized, "shuke their heads" should be "shook their heads", "eevee" should be "Eevee", and there's supposed to be at least a period or comma separating Leafeon with "they", or just say as. And what? Why say "armes?" Really!? "Scratch" should be "scratched", and the last dialogue should be quotation marks since it's dialogue and it should be:

"Well, do you want to join with us, little one?" questioned the human.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ginalovespokemon View Post
Again the human only heard mew, mew,me, mew, me. The only thing the human heared was EEVEE, EEV,EEVEE, EEV, EEV EEV, EEVEE, EEV
There should be more quotation marks in both of the dialogues. Really, are you doing your best as a writer or is English not your first language?

There's a lot of minor punctuation and spelling errors that really made me want to rage on this absurd story.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ginalovespokemon View Post
EEVEE
Once apon a time there was an eevee, the eevee was born on a summer night in the kanto region.
It should be upon. Eevee should be capitalized, along with Kanto. There's an unnecessary comma where it should be replaced with a period with The capitalized. This is really infuriating me more.


I'm not going to say anymore, because I'm really angry with this story and it annoyed me so much. Overall, there's a LOT of spelling and punctuation errors spread across together. You are not trying hard in this story with how you are not presumably proofreading this story, since it has a lot of problems.

There's almost no problems in the present and past tenses in this story, that's one thing that surprises me. But you need to work on the punctuation, spelling, and very much, the grammar. It, along with the lack of spaces, really makes it frustrating to even look at and read.
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  #7    
Old Posted November 10th, 2012 (09:22 PM).
Heracles4
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Gender: Male
..And I thought I was harsh..O.o

Anyways, Gina, you should really fix this up with all the advice me, phantom and volcanix gave you
__________________
Arceus Drops ~ Remembering







I don't calculate stat values, I don't breed my way to perfection, and I don't care about natures. I catch my Pokemon the way they are, and treat them like individuals instead of brainless drones. If you use this philosophy, copy & paste this into your signature.
  #8    
Old Posted November 16th, 2012 (04:19 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
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Age: 28
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heracles4 View Post
Proper dialogue goes like this:

"Hey!", Bob yelled to Sally
Actually, it doesn't. You don't need the comma in that sentence after the quotation marks. You use commas only when you would use a full stop and if the dialogue is attached to a speech tag (said, told, whispered).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Volcanix769 View Post
And I'm going to be kind of angry on this, so don't get sad about what I'm saying now.

I'm not going to say anymore, because I'm really angry with this story and it annoyed me so much. Overall, there's a LOT of spelling and punctuation errors spread across together. You are not trying hard in this story with how you are not presumably proofreading this story, since it has a lot of problems.
Try not to post when angry, especially when reviewing. Your tone might make the author think that you're insulting them, and they won't be likely to listen to your review even though it contains good advice.
  #9    
Old Posted November 16th, 2012 (04:33 PM).
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I'm honestly really surprised at how nasty some of you are being. It's almost like you're taking some bad grammar as a personal offense. Gina's listed location is Holland, so guessing English isn't her first language.

As grammar was already addressed, I'll help by giving you some links for the storytelling part.

This is a link to a site that has a list of exercises for writers to try out and practice their storytelling. I personally haven't tried any, but they have a generous amount of exercises listed that you can feel free to try (I wouldn't post them, though, it's just practice!) and help to hone your writing.

This is a link to a list of storytelling tips written by a Pixar storyboard artist. I don't know how familiar you are with Pixar, but trust me, there are some real nuggets in there.

And I'm sorry if this comes off as rude, but as aforementioned I suggested you might be ESL (if you aren't, again I apologize) but practicing English can never hurt, especially when you're wanting to write!

Good luck, and keep trying :)
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  #10    
Old Posted November 22nd, 2012 (06:39 AM).
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ginalovespokemon
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close this please i'm done doing this thx
__________________
My pokemon black(1) version FC: Pokemon black FC: GINA 2538-1241-4913
Pokemon white FC: Daniele 4728-6058-4642
Pokemon white 2 FC: Gina 4728-6055-9027, add me freely if you want trade, battles or helping out i'm there for you!
  #11    
Old Posted November 22nd, 2012 (11:17 AM).
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Astinus
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Closing on author's request.
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