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  #3226    
Old November 13th, 2012, 12:22 PM
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Being a parent must really warp your mind in ways I can't wrap my own mind around. Why do so many parents see their children as reflections of their own worth, and on top of that why do so many of them see having gay or trans kids as a bad thing? They need to realize that their kids are people in their own right, that they can and do make decisions about their lives and that there are somethings which are out of anyone's control - parent or child.
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  #3227    
Old November 13th, 2012, 12:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Impo View Post
guys there's the most adorable short film on youtube it's in another language (brazil i think) but it's still completely adorable

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Wav5...ature=youtu.be

It's so cute that I had eye crinkles I don't know how to embed it but you need subtitles which can be turned on by clicking the second box on the bottom right of the video (only on browsers)

sorry for straying from the conversation feel free to ignore me
I watched this short before it had subtitles and I managed to get the jest of it with my 4 years of Spanish coming in handy. Anyway, I still think it's a really cute short film and there should definitely be a part two. You can't just leave it like that!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor View Post
Well, I came out to mom.

I went up to mom and said I had to tell her something to which she said alright. I asked her to sit down and when she said asked why, I told her it was something really important. Her reply "Well, it's about time" I guessed she just knew what I was going to tell her. So, she sat down and I explained everything from when I first figured out I was gay until the other dayand she had a smile on the whole time. Inside I was so happy, I actually thought I got her wrong the whole time. When I was done, she stood up and gave me a hug and told me I had nothing to hide from her and that she figured but didn't want to jump to the conclusion just in case. I felt like I was going to cry I was so happy and then....

"But still, I don't know what I did to deserve this. Are you punishing me for something? Do you hate me?"

I tried to explain to her that it's just who I am but...

"No, I don't want to hear it. I don't. I understand I failed as a parent and I understand I raised some kind of creature and I can accept that, though I don't have to live with it"

And so here I am, on my laptop, at my grandparents place where they, much to my surprise, accepted me for who I am and still seem to love me. Mom hates and wants nothing to do with me now.
Sigh. I do hope that you mom comes around but at least you have your grandparents. Like Kawaii says I'm sure sure still loves you but she's just doing what all parents do and blaming herself for something she couldn't control. Are you planning on coming out to anyone else?
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  #3228    
Old November 13th, 2012, 02:31 PM
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Destructor, I'm so sorry :'( You were very brave for coming out, that's for sure. And I'm really glad that your grandparents accept you for who you are. At least you have some sort of support.

I just really hope that your mother calms down, and thinks about this... I mean, she's blaming herself for something that shouldn't be blamed on anyone at all (You were born that way, and there is NOTHING wrong with being gay)!
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Originally Posted by Retro Bug View Post
I watched this short before it had subtitles and I managed to get the jest of it with my 4 years of Spanish coming in handy. Anyway, I still think it's a really cute short film and there should definitely be a part two. You can't just leave it like that!
Yeah, I'd really like to see part 2, too :D
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  #3229    
Old November 13th, 2012, 04:07 PM
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Well, I think I won't have to come out to anybody else. Mom will probobly tell everybody, and those who she doesn't tell my grandparents will have to in order to explain why I'm staying with them instead.

I don't think my mom will ever understand. She's a, and please forgive the langaue, manipulative, controlling, bossy, self-absorbed, hateful little ***** with a God-like complex.
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  #3230    
Old November 13th, 2012, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Destructor View Post

I don't think my mom will ever understand. She's a, and please forgive the langaue, manipulative, controlling, bossy, self-absorbed, hateful little ***** with a God-like complex.
Oh God that sounds just like my dad. Only he's secretly manipulative not openly bossy, but still just as bad because he can turn anyone against you. I can sympathize with you there. I hope you have an open-minded relative like my awesome mom.
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  #3231    
Old November 13th, 2012, 11:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor View Post
Well, I came out to mom.

I went up to mom and said I had to tell her something to which she said alright. I asked her to sit down and when she said asked why, I told her it was something really important. Her reply "Well, it's about time" I guessed she just knew what I was going to tell her. So, she sat down and I explained everything from when I first figured out I was gay until the other dayand she had a smile on the whole time. Inside I was so happy, I actually thought I got her wrong the whole time. When I was done, she stood up and gave me a hug and told me I had nothing to hide from her and that she figured but didn't want to jump to the conclusion just in case. I felt like I was going to cry I was so happy and then....

"But still, I don't know what I did to deserve this. Are you punishing me for something? Do you hate me?"

I tried to explain to her that it's just who I am but...

"No, I don't want to hear it. I don't. I understand I failed as a parent and I understand I raised some kind of creature and I can accept that, though I don't have to live with it"

And so here I am, on my laptop, at my grandparents place where they, much to my surprise, accepted me for who I am and still seem to love me. Mom hates and wants nothing to do with me now.
Talk about a roller coaster of a story. First it starts out slow with a bit of worry, and then it goes up to happiness and acceptance... and then comes crashing down with how she reacts.

But it's good to hear that your grandparents took you in because they love and accept you.
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  #3232    
Old November 13th, 2012, 11:18 PM
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That sounds exactly like my mother, though the God complex is replaced with a pity-seeking complex. I'm really hoping yours comes to light soon, Destructor.

Speaking of parents, I waited until my mother went on a trip to finally wear some nail polish (plain white) and try to curb a horrible nail-biting habit I had. That started last Friday, and it — combined with filing what was left into a nice evenness — worked extremely well. I haven't chewed on them since. Meanwhile, band-aids and other methods did absolutely nothing for me when I tried them. This brought me to believe it was out of compulsive grooming instead of anxiety, and I stand behind it; my stress has not loosened its grip on me in just five days.

She saw my nails an hour or so ago and demanded I take the polish off (after initially thinking I used white-out of all things), taking the absolute utmost care in clarifying that "I am a guy; it [nail-biting] happens."

Needless to say, it pissed me off pretty well, especially since I'm over 18 and able to make my own decisions, including over my own physical and mental health. Not to mention I know multiple girls that chew their own nails.
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  #3233    
Old November 14th, 2012, 06:40 AM
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Oh wow, I am so sorry for you destuctor It will all turn out all right though...
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  #3234    
Old November 14th, 2012, 03:23 PM
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It's kind of funny how grandparents can be the complete opposite of what you would expect. At least what I would expect, which is that they'd be older and less accepting. Now, sometimes they are. I've got one grandparent who's kind of a racist and pretty intolerant of most everything. Then I also have a grandparent who used to rent part of her house out to a gay couple since at least the 70s.

Destructor, I hope you can reconcile with your mom (by which I mean I hope she grows a heart and gets over herself), and that you can stay with your grandparents as long as you need to.

TornZero, I feel for you. (But get some better nail polish colors!)
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  #3235    
Old November 15th, 2012, 03:46 AM
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So after a little bit of lurking I'd like to join.

I'm a pansexual, and I'm trying to conclude on my gender identity (it's been a matter of debate to myself for the past six years.) I'm out to everyone about my orientation (my 'tale' is boring in comparison to others), but only two people are aware of my gender issues.
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Last edited by Aeon; November 15th, 2012 at 03:54 AM.
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  #3236    
Old November 15th, 2012, 05:03 AM
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Welcome, Aeon! You're in very good company :D

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor
Well, I came out to mom.

I went up to mom and said I had to tell her something to which she said alright. I asked her to sit down and when she said asked why, I told her it was something really important. Her reply "Well, it's about time" I guessed she just knew what I was going to tell her. So, she sat down and I explained everything from when I first figured out I was gay until the other dayand she had a smile on the whole time. Inside I was so happy, I actually thought I got her wrong the whole time. When I was done, she stood up and gave me a hug and told me I had nothing to hide from her and that she figured but didn't want to jump to the conclusion just in case. I felt like I was going to cry I was so happy and then....

"But still, I don't know what I did to deserve this. Are you punishing me for something? Do you hate me?"

I tried to explain to her that it's just who I am but...

"No, I don't want to hear it. I don't. I understand I failed as a parent and I understand I raised some kind of creature and I can accept that, though I don't have to live with it"

And so here I am, on my laptop, at my grandparents place where they, much to my surprise, accepted me for who I am and still seem to love me. Mom hates and wants nothing to do with me now.
I... what. I don't... understand. How... what? She hugged you and accepted you and told you you don't have to hide things from her and then... she didn't anymore? Did she have an aneurysm?

In any case, I'm so sorry this happened to you . The good news is you seem to have amazing grandparents and thank goodness for that. And I know this will seem hollow now, while you're sitting there feeling like your own family hates you for something out of your control, but this is a good thing. You're on the other side of it, the hard part is well and truly over and now you can start living rather than existing in fear. You were scared of how your family would react and... well, now you know. And what you also know is that you have a place with people who do love you unconditionally, no matter who you are. You have a place, you're not going to be homeless. You have stability now in a way that you didn't before. Because you have people who love you and no more secrets that put that at risk.

You, my friend, are going to be just fine
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  #3237    
Old November 15th, 2012, 08:58 AM
Destructor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Aeon View Post
So after a little bit of lurking I'd like to join.

I'm a pansexual, and I'm trying to conclude on my gender identity (it's been a matter of debate to myself for the past six years.) I'm out to everyone about my orientation (my 'tale' is boring in comparison to others), but only two people are aware of my gender issues.
I wouldn't call your tale "boring" as any orientation, coming out, self-acceptance, and the acceptance of others story is always either going to be inspiring or saddening. Boring is always out of the picture. You shouldn't feel the need to hide a story based on the thought people may be bored with it. It's your choice, but never fear people will be bored of it.

Are the two people aware of your gender issues mom and dad or a psychiatrist or somebody?

Edit:
Almost forgot to mention some terrific news. I am happy to say that I have the acceptance of my sister who was originally turned against me by mom.
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  #3238    
Old November 15th, 2012, 09:27 AM
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I don't understand the concept of 'coming out'. I'll tell people what I am if they ask but I don't seek to declare things to persons whom it is of no likely consequence, and it just seems moronic to come out to people that probably won't be accepting anyway, so why bother?

Last edited by Cassino; November 15th, 2012 at 09:32 AM.
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  #3239    
Old November 15th, 2012, 12:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor View Post
Edit:
Almost forgot to mention some terrific news. I am happy to say that I have the acceptance of my sister who was originally turned against me by mom.
I'm really glad to hear that you have support from your sister, too. It surely makes you feel better, right?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassino View Post
I don't understand the concept of 'coming out'. I'll tell people what I am if they ask but I don't seek to declare things to persons whom it is of no likely consequence, and it just seems moronic to come out to people that probably won't be accepting anyway, so why bother?
There are lots of reasons to come out to people. I, personally, came out only once in real life, and it backfired. But, lots of people just don't want to live a lie. They come out because they want to be with people who'll accept them, and ditch those who hate them for being gay. That's a good reason. Also, coming out enables a person to meet other gay people, and get into a relationship. You can't find a partner if no-one knows you're gay.
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  #3240    
Old November 15th, 2012, 12:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor View Post
Are the two people aware of your gender issues mom and dad or a psychiatrist or somebody?
The two people that are aware are two of my close friends. I don't feel comfortable telling my parents until I'm 100% what I am (I am divided if if I could be a MTF Transgender.) The only thing my two friends know is that I'm questioning and that's all there is to it.

Last edited by Aeon; November 15th, 2012 at 01:19 PM.
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  #3241    
Old November 15th, 2012, 03:58 PM
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So guys, I have my own coming out story. I'm really sorry for changing the subject, but I kinda have to tell somebody...
A couple of days ago, my friends and I were drinking, and well, one of my best friends and I usually stay awake until the morning, while the others go to sleep. And so, when only the two of us stayed awake, he questioned why I never had a relationship, and why I hate talking about love, relationships, etc. I tried avoiding the answer as much as possible, but in the end, I told him. I thought that at least he wouldn't make a big scene out of it, since he's the only one out of my friends (Or all the people I know) who didn't show any signs of homophobia. But it didn't go so well. His replies were mostly something like "It's just a phase", "You're just confused" or, my personal favorite, "You need to change that. Maybe see a psychologist". After about 1 minute of awkward silence, he went to sleep. Since all the other go to sleep early, there's usually only one bed remaining, and we've slept on it together many times. This time, I found him sleeping on the floor.

Sure enough, he deleted me on Facebook, and never contacted me again. I've lost a friend. Guessed I've learned my lesson

Being gay is destroying my life. Every day I'm surrounded by homophobic people, and now this happened. I'm starting to feel depressed...

Again, I'm really sorry for posting stuff like this, but I just had to tell someone, and PC is currently the only place where I feel accepted.

(I posted this once already a couple of days ago, but soon deleted it since I didn't want to change the topic, but I think it's okay now...)
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  #3242    
Old November 16th, 2012, 12:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LightningAlex View Post
So guys, I have my own coming out story. I'm really sorry for changing the subject, but I kinda have to tell somebody...
A couple of days ago, my friends and I were drinking, and well, one of my best friends and I usually stay awake until the morning, while the others go to sleep. And so, when only the two of us stayed awake, he questioned why I never had a relationship, and why I hate talking about love, relationships, etc. I tried avoiding the answer as much as possible, but in the end, I told him. I thought that at least he wouldn't make a big scene out of it, since he's the only one out of my friends (Or all the people I know) who didn't show any signs of homophobia. But it didn't go so well. His replies were mostly something like "It's just a phase", "You're just confused" or, my personal favorite, "You need to change that. Maybe see a psychologist". After about 1 minute of awkward silence, he went to sleep. Since all the other go to sleep early, there's usually only one bed remaining, and we've slept on it together many times. This time, I found him sleeping on the floor.

Sure enough, he deleted me on Facebook, and never contacted me again. I've lost a friend. Guessed I've learned my lesson

Being gay is destroying my life. Every day I'm surrounded by homophobic people, and now this happened. I'm starting to feel depressed...

Again, I'm really sorry for posting stuff like this, but I just had to tell someone, and PC is currently the only place where I feel accepted.

(I posted this once already a couple of days ago, but soon deleted it since I didn't want to change the topic, but I think it's okay now...)
This is one of the reasons why I advise against actively coming out, and instead tell people to just passively be out.

A lot of liberal LGBT activists (I don't mean that in a political sense, necessarily) want people to come out as soon as possible. Many even out people against their will. I say that the time, place, manner, and audience should be completely up to the individual in all cases. For someone who is surrounded by homophobic people, and especially if the person is dependent on said homophobic people for the necessities of life, then waiting is a perfectly acceptable choice. I don't think that means that you're living a lie, or are self-hating.
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  #3243    
Old November 16th, 2012, 10:02 AM
Destructor
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I'm so sorry Alex. At least I can sort of understand your problems resulting from coming out since I got some hate and rejection as well. You can't let this get you down. There is a quote I try to hang onto now. It's really quite helpful.

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

I don't want to shoot anybody down here, but if your "friends" can't accept you for who you are, then they are not your "friends"
I've applied this to my mother and now will reject her as true family until she smartens up and gets with the program.

It's very obvious being gay isn't an easy thing, but you can't let it get you down. It's who you are and you shouldn't view it as destroying your life but something that will bring you closer to the nicer people. That may sound cheesey, and I do hope it gets a laugh or two, but it's also true at the same time, since the nicer people can accept anybody under any non-negative circumstance. I also hope nobody takes offense to that.
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  #3244    
Old November 16th, 2012, 12:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cassino View Post
I don't understand the concept of 'coming out'. I'll tell people what I am if they ask but I don't seek to declare things to persons whom it is of no likely consequence, and it just seems moronic to come out to people that probably won't be accepting anyway, so why bother?
Coming out is usually done with people who've known you since before you were open about, or knew about, your sexual orientation. If you're, let's say, gay and open about it you wouldn't come out to your coworkers at your new job because it would be part of what they learn about you when they first meet you or something they'd pick up on soon after. It's a way of preparing people who already know you, giving them a chance to adjust to the "new" you in a way that is easier than coming home one day with a boyfriend.

But you're right in the sense that it isn't something that should matter to people it isn't going to affect. Unfortunately coming out usually happens around that tumultuous time of puberty when lots of people want to shout to the world who they are because they're forming their identity then.

Though I think it's just a matter of time before we stop coming out because people will (hopefully) expect the possibility and won't assume everyone is heteronormative, heterosexual, etc.


Quote:
Originally Posted by LightningAlex View Post
So guys, I have my own coming out story. I'm really sorry for changing the subject, but I kinda have to tell somebody...
A couple of days ago, my friends and I were drinking, and well, one of my best friends and I usually stay awake until the morning, while the others go to sleep. And so, when only the two of us stayed awake, he questioned why I never had a relationship, and why I hate talking about love, relationships, etc. I tried avoiding the answer as much as possible, but in the end, I told him. I thought that at least he wouldn't make a big scene out of it, since he's the only one out of my friends (Or all the people I know) who didn't show any signs of homophobia. But it didn't go so well. His replies were mostly something like "It's just a phase", "You're just confused" or, my personal favorite, "You need to change that. Maybe see a psychologist". After about 1 minute of awkward silence, he went to sleep. Since all the other go to sleep early, there's usually only one bed remaining, and we've slept on it together many times. This time, I found him sleeping on the floor.

Sure enough, he deleted me on Facebook, and never contacted me again. I've lost a friend. Guessed I've learned my lesson

Being gay is destroying my life. Every day I'm surrounded by homophobic people, and now this happened. I'm starting to feel depressed...

Again, I'm really sorry for posting stuff like this, but I just had to tell someone, and PC is currently the only place where I feel accepted.

(I posted this once already a couple of days ago, but soon deleted it since I didn't want to change the topic, but I think it's okay now...)
That is a real shame. Sometimes people have too many preconceptions, too many prejudices, to accept you. And sometimes people are just not mature enough and with time they'll come to see it's okay. It's always a struggle when you're around people who aren't accepting. You have to have a lot of strength to either keep it to yourself or to be out and have to suffer the comments or social stigma of being out. I do hope you find some people who are okay with you and like you for who you are.
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  #3245    
Old November 16th, 2012, 12:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor View Post
I'm so sorry Alex. At least I can sort of understand your problems resulting from coming out since I got some hate and rejection as well. You can't let this get you down. There is a quote I try to hang onto now. It's really quite helpful.

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"

I don't want to shoot anybody down here, but if your "friends" can't accept you for who you are, then they are not your "friends"
I've applied this to my mother and now will reject her as true family until she smartens up and gets with the program.

It's very obvious being gay isn't an easy thing, but you can't let it get you down. It's who you are and you shouldn't view it as destroying your life but something that will bring you closer to the nicer people. That may sound cheesey, and I do hope it gets a laugh or two, but it's also true at the same time, since the nicer people can accept anybody under any non-negative circumstance. I also hope nobody takes offense to that.
That really is a nice quote. And you're probably right about everything you've said. But, I live in a place where homophobia is present in 99% of people. Not just homophobia, racism, too. It's like they open the brain of newborns and pump it up with hatred. I know all of my friends would ditch me for being what I am, but I can't just ditch them and find new friends, since I'd still be in the same situation. Wouldn't make any sense.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Scarf View Post
That is a real shame. Sometimes people have too many preconceptions, too many prejudices, to accept you. And sometimes people are just not mature enough and with time they'll come to see it's okay. It's always a struggle when you're around people who aren't accepting. You have to have a lot of strength to either keep it to yourself or to be out and have to suffer the comments or social stigma of being out. I do hope you find some people who are okay with you and like you for who you are.
Thank you. I, too, hope that someday I'll find someone who isn't homophobic.

I would really like to meet another gay person. Not for a relationship, but just for talk. Who could understand me better than another gay guy living here? Question is, how? How do I find another gay person here, where nobody dares to be out, or to come out to anyone? Does anyone have any advice on that? I'm starting to think that there are no gays here, except for me, of course.
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  #3246    
Old November 17th, 2012, 05:41 AM
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(my 'tale' is boring in comparison to others),
Well I might as well elaborate on said tale since got off of work on a low note and want something to put me in a decent mood.

Personally when I figured it out I was iffy on it. I was fourteen, and only thought of it as just another part that completes my image. I told absolutely nobody until I was seventeen (which winded up being somebody I was in love with when I was 17.) Eventually this led to the notice that my parents are going to need to know eventually if I wind up falling for somebody that's not a girl; I simply just felt that I was delaying the inevitable, and the sooner the better since my family is very socially liberal, but I was mildly overwhelmed by anxiety that things could go awry.

I thought of multiple different ways on going about this, and made a mental list. The list got shorter and shorter as time went on, and eventually it became nothing. So I decided I'd let it out in the manner of how much of a big deal I make it as a part of my personality: just another part of me. As a result, one night out of boredom during July 2012 I decided to make my Facebook's “Interested in:” public for the first time, with the intent on seeing how long it takes for somebody to notice the truth I have just spread out for everyone to see... turns out it didn't even take 24 hours... and it was my mother.

Around evening when my mom got home and was doing laundry or something (I was playing CoD4 PC or something. I don't pay attention to my surroundings during gaming, and I was also tired which didn't help.) So for once in a very long time during these hours my mom decided to she wanted to try sparking up a conversation.

“Hey Tanner so uh... can I ask you a question?” (My mind just sparked into flames when she said that because I knew what was imminent.)

Which I replied as “Uh... yeah sure what's up?” (I sounded somewhat nervous)

“Don't get embarrassed but I was looking at your Facebook profile and saw your 'interested in' thing and... is that true?”

“Eeeeeeyup. I let it come out like that because I don't see it like big a deal.”

I don't recall exactly what she said afterward, but in a nutshell she said that she was completely fine with it, and was actually rather happy with me for being able to do that. The thing that really stuck to me was though was when she said “I don't care who you're with, as long as they make you happy! :D” in which I just about started tearing up. We hugged and that was that.

Later on that night I thought “eh, no turning back now, might as well let everyone else know” and did what I considered 'releasing the krakken' and wrote a post on my wall that I was pan, and if anyone wanted to talk about it further they can talk to me personally... only my cousin did, and he mainly just congratulated me, and once again, that was that.


TL;DR came out in a sneaky manner; mom took it well; so did everyone else.
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  #3247    
Old November 17th, 2012, 09:03 AM
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Eeeeeeyup.
I actually laughed out loud at that for some reason, so there, it wasn't boring. lol :P
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  #3248    
Old November 17th, 2012, 09:29 AM
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It's not a boring story. Well, not to me, at least. I'm really glad your coming-out ended up good, and your family accepts you as you are.
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Old November 17th, 2012, 03:22 PM
Destructor
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Your story isn't boring at all Tanner.
It's actually very nice. I'm glad it all turned out well for you in the end. I should have taken that kind of approach to revealing my sexuality instead.
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  #3250    
Old November 17th, 2012, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by LightningAlex
I would really like to meet another gay person. Not for a relationship, but just for talk. Who could understand me better than another gay guy living here? Question is, how? How do I find another gay person here, where nobody dares to be out, or to come out to anyone? Does anyone have any advice on that? I'm starting to think that there are no gays here, except for me, of course.
Do you have a smartphone? If you do, download Grindr. Most people already know what Grindr is, but I'll be completely condescending and tell you anyway just in case you don't . Grindr is an app where you create a profile and it shows you all the other gay guys with Grindr in your near vicinity. It even tells you how far away they are in miles, if they've set their profile to allow that. You can strike up a conversation with someone and ask if they'd like to meet and talk. It's a fantastic app

Warning though: there are a lot of people who go on Grindr looking for sex. Most of those people will be pretty easy to figure out immediately just by looking at their profile or from the way they begin a conversation with you. But among those people you'll find a select few who are genuine people just looking to make a connection, just like you. And if the place where you live is as homophobic as you say it is, then there's a good chance there might be more of the nice people there than there are here.

You don't have to put a picture of yourself up if you're worried about being outed, but you're more likely to have people talk to you if you do. Essentially that is the most popular app in the gay community. If there are any gay people around you (and there are), that's where you'll find them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Destructor
It's actually very nice. I'm glad it all turned out well for you in the end. I should have taken that kind of approach to revealing my sexuality instead.
I don't think that would have worked for you. Tanner (if I can call you that? ) had the luxury of assuming that people would be OK with the revelation, and you didn't have that. You were stressing out about it and you wouldn't have been able to pull off such a thing because you would have been too terrified, and honestly if your horrible mother reacted that way, she was going to react that way no matter how you did it
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