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  #1    
Old December 8th, 2012, 05:07 PM
Pikazec2012
Unhatched Egg
 
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This is the Prologue to a fan fic i am thinking about writing. The basic idea is Ash is forced to join team rocket and his time with them. Please let me know if you like it and if you think i should make it a full fan fiction because if not i have other ideas i want to write. So without further ado!


Ash looked furiously across the room. The battle field was torn up, rocks broken and cracks in the floor ran through the middle. Pikachu huffed on all fours looking across the broken plain. Pikachu was tired and Ash knew that it had to end quickly. Giovanni chuckled on the other side, flipping a pokéball into the air. His Nidoking was bent over as well, using its hands to slowly lift itself up. None of this made since to Ash, while it appeared that he was Giovanni was losing, he was still all smiles and getting happier about the outcome as the battle went. He felt as if somehow he was walking into a trap with this.

Nidoking was now fully erect and it wouldn’t be long before he was ordered to lash out another deadly earthquake. “Pikachu iron tail one more time!” Giovanni chuckled one more time as Pikachu came at Nidoking full speed. Direct hit! Nidoking collapsed onto the floor ending the match.

Giovanni again snickered as he called Nidoking back. “Your strong , I could use someone like you at Team Rocket.” Giovanni declared to Ash

“Never! Now let me go!” Ash demanded, “You said if I won the match you would let me out of here!”

“And I will let you go, first I have a offer to make to you though, that is after all why I had you brought here. Join me Ash, I need a new 2nd in command, of course I’ll have to start you as a grunt, but you can be one of the best Rocket’s. Together you and I can have it all Ash, and the paychecks! You’ll finally be able to impress that girl Misty into going out with you. Join me now and ill make you my top grunt with the first opportunity to be admiral.”

“I will never join you! Your pathetic scum! You think by kidnapping me and making me battle you that you can get me join your ranks! Now let me go!” Ash snapped back, he was mad now. The nerve to kidnap him and try to get him to join these bottom feeding scum.

“Fine Ash, as you like I will let you go. However I must let you know, I only promised to release you, I said nothing about your mother!” Just then a panel on the wall opened up revealing a glass window and on the other side ash’s mother sat tied to a chair surrounded by rocket grunts.

“Let her go! She has nothing to do with this!” Ash felt emotions start to well up as he reached for a pokéball, thinking of a Pokémon that could break through the glass.

“It’s not worth it Ash.” Giovanni scolded, as if he had read Ash’s mind about his next move. “I’ve specially designed this glass. It’s unbreakable. Now if you really want for me to let her go, I can make a trade with you. Sign a contract to join Team Rocket. My offer still stands, top grunt! All you have to do is sign the dotted line, promise me a year of loyalty and she is returned home instantly!”

Giovanni reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a paper contract and a pen and offered it towards Ash. Ash gritted his teeth. He would never stoop to the level of Giovanni, there had to be another way. “Pikachu iron tail on that glass!” Ash decided to fight!

“Rhyperior hammer arm go! Ash I let you beat me last time, you walked into my trap this time and I will crush you!”

Rhyperior sprung out of the pokéball that Giovanni had been fiddling with and charged at Pikachu. For a Pokémon of such large bulky size this Rhyperior was shockingly fast. Its right forearm smashed into Pikachu knocking him backwards toward Ash.

“Ash it is no use!” Giovanni chuckled “Both of you will not leave here unless you join me!”
Ash looked at Pikachu knocked out cold on the floor and at his mother sitting in the chair behind the glass. “You win.” Ash mumbled as a tear trickled down his cheek. Ashe stepped forward and grabbed the pen and paper from Giovanni.

“Good! Just sign this line then my boy!”Giovanni laughed as he gloated in his pride of completing his mission. He turned to the guards by Ash’s mother “Take her back to Pallet Town. Ash she will be fine as long as you obey me! One wrong move though and we will kidnap her again!”

A grunt walked out towards Ash and handed him a Team Rocket hat and black t-shirt with a large red “R” inscribed on the chest.

“Welcome aboard my boy!”
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  #2    
Old December 8th, 2012, 05:51 PM
dudebot's Avatar
dudebot
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Oh, an actual fanfic about the anime! How long has it been?

And it has a nice little premise. One that should have been explored more over the years.

-------

A few errors with wording and grammar:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pikazec2012 View Post


Ash looked furiously across the room. The battle field was torn up, rocks broken and cracks in the floor ran through the middle. Pikachu huffed on all fours looking across the broken plain. Pikachu was tired and Ash knew that it had to end quickly. Giovanni chuckled on the other side, flipping a pokéball into the air. His Nidoking was bent over as well, using its hands to slowly lift itself up. None of this made since to Ash, while it appeared that he was Giovanni was losing, he was still all smiles and getting happier about the outcome as the battle went. He felt as if somehow he was walking into a trap with this.

*sense


Quote:
Giovanni again snickered as he called Nidoking back. “Your strong , I could use someone like you at Team Rocket.” Giovanni declared to Ash
This one is small, but sense Team Rocket is an organization and not a place, you use "in" over "at."

Quote:
“And I will let you go, first I have a offer to make to you though, that is after all why I had you brought here. Join me Ash, I need a new 2nd in command, of course I’ll have to start you as a grunt, but you can be one of the best Rocket’s. Together you and I can have it all Ash, and the paychecks! You’ll finally be able to impress that girl Misty into going out with you. Join me now and ill make you my top grunt with the first opportunity to be admiral.”

*Rockets
*I'll

Also, most of this entire paragraph is a cavalcade of run-on sentences. You should replace a few of those commas with periods.

Quote:
“I will never join you! Your pathetic scum! You think by kidnapping me and making me battle you that you can get me join your ranks! Now let me go!” Ash snapped back, he was mad now. The nerve to kidnap him and try to get him to join these bottom feeding scum.
*you're - One of the most common mistakes on the internet though, lol.

Quote:
Giovanni reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a paper contract and a pen and offered it towards Ash. Ash gritted his teeth. He would never stoop to the level of Giovanni. There had to be another way. “Pikachu, iron tail on that glass!” Ash decided to fight!

“Rhyperior, hammer arm go! Ash, I let you beat me last time. You walked into my trap this time and I will crush you!”

Rhyperior sprung out of the pokéball that Giovanni had been fiddling with and charged at Pikachu. For a Pokémon of such large bulky size this Rhyperior was shockingly fast. Its right forearm smashed into Pikachu knocking him backwards toward Ash.

“Ash, it is no use!” Giovanni chuckled. “Both of you will not leave here unless you join me!”
Some missing commas and periods. There are more throughout the story, but here's where it's most prominent. I don't normally care too much about grammar and whatnot, but it does become a problem in the long run. Trust me.
-------

All around, it's nice and creative minus the glaring grammar and spelling problems.

My only advice would be to knock up the intensity. Ash is joining a criminal organization here. He needs to feel the pressure of every decision he makes and it's up to you to interpret that properly.

Keep up the nice work. You have a fan in me.
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  #3    
Old December 8th, 2012, 06:57 PM
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bobandbill
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I agree that the premise is interesting. Good old blackmail... I look forward to seeing what happens later on as the plot certainly has potential.

I would advise being careful with the grammar though, as well as presentation. Mistakes like the sort you make do distract from the story itself, and are simple to fix. Be sure you are using a spell/grammar checker (use a word processing program like Word, or Openoffice/Google Docs (free to use) if you don't have that, or just an online one), as a lot of errors would be picked up by it.

As dudebot also said, you'd want to try to add some more 'intensity' to the battle and scene. Try to do that with a bit more description in the show department, and to give is more of a sense of how is he feeling rather than what.
Quote:
Ash looked furiously across the room. The battle field was torn up, rocks broken and cracks in the floor ran through the middle. Pikachu huffed on all fours looking across the broken plain. Pikachu was tired and Ash knew that it had to end quickly. Giovanni chuckled on the other side, flipping a pokéball into the air. His Nidoking was bent over as well, using its hands to slowly lift itself up. None of this made since to Ash, while it appeared that he was Giovanni was losing, he was still all smiles and getting happier about the outcome as the battle went. He felt as if somehow he was walking into a trap with this.
Taking the first part as an example, bits like 'Pikachu was tired' are better off shown rather than told to us. Arguable you already do this ('huffed on all fours'), but then there's no need to tell us Pikachu is tired. Same with 'he was still all smiles and getting happier' - the former shows the audience Giovanni is pleased, so to then tell us he is 'getting happier' is a bit bland and unnecessary.
Quote:
“Pikachu iron tail one more time!” Giovanni chuckled one more time as Pikachu came at Nidoking full speed. Direct hit! Nidoking collapsed onto the floor ending the match.
Here I'd suggest showing us more about the attack itself. After all this is Pokemon, in which the battles are generally the points of interest. Hence you should try to help the reader imagine the attack. Consider points, such as where did the attack hit exactly? How did Pikachu act - cried triumphantly? Glare down at the fallen Nidoking? What about the Nidoking, did it collapse silently or with a roar of pain?

Note that you don't need to address all of this at once/at all, but a little bit of extra detail throughout the chapter does make a difference. Touch on little bits like that every now and again, I suggest.
Quote:
Giovanni again snickered as he called Nidoking back. “Your strong , I could use someone like you at Team Rocket.” Giovanni declared to Ash
Watch out for unnecessary spacing (after 'strong'), and You're not Your (former is shortening of 'You are', latter possessive e.g. Your bike). Lastly there's a missing full stop at the end, which a spell/grammar checker would have caught for you.

Dialogue which has something following the dialogue in the same sentence like here shouldn't have a full stop before the ending dialogue tag either. Here you continue it with 'Giovanni declared to Ash', which tells us who said it/how it was said. Hence it isn't a sentence by itself but rather a continuation of the dialogue, and so you shouldn't have a full stop in the middle of the sentence (but you can have ! or ?, etc... just not a full stop). For sake of example:
Quote:
"This is mine," said the boy.
"This is mine!" said the boy.
"This is mine." said the boy.
The first two are correct, and the latter not. However if it was '"This is mine." The boy shook his fist.' then it works as the part following the dialogue is a separate sentence.

So for instance here:
Quote:
“It’s not worth it Ash.” Giovanni scolded, as if he had read Ash’s mind about his next move.
The full stop after 'Ash' should be a comma.


There's a couple other things including those already pointed out, so I'll leave it to you to fix those. Just note that fixing such errors will really improve your story and help to not distract a reader from the actual story.

Good luck with your fic!
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  #4    
Old December 8th, 2012, 11:25 PM
Pikazec2012
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Sorry I for some reason didn't spell check that. I'm gonna try to knock up the intensity for the next few chapters, let you really feel what ash is feeling. So a few notes I forgot. Ash is about 18 in the time of the story so adjust everyone else age accordingly. So time for plot twist 1!. I attempted to spell check this one myself as well as through Microsoft(event though Microsoft tends to fix my words to the wrong words for me XD). hope its better.

Chapter 1 -First Mission.
Beads of sweat poured from out of Ash’s newly fitted black cap. His hair was soaked with the sweat and it dripped onto his black t-shirt dampening the shoulders. He sat in a cold wooden chair in a dark room. Not just any room, the Team Rocket briefing room. In the past seven days since he signed on to be a rocket it had been torture. He had been forced to transfer all of his Pokémon inside Oak’s lab to the training facilities. Oak had questioned why he was taking all of them, but never the less he surrendered them to their owner. It seemed to Ash that he had been in a 24 hour boot camp. Almost every waking hour he had spent battling other grunts, learning the history of Team Rocket as well as the chain of command, and the process of setting traps for stealing Pokémon. He had to admit though learning the motto was the easiest after hearing it for so many years.

It was finally time for his first mission. He had been dreading this moment and to his displeasure, it was here. Pikachu sat on his shoulder, ears drooped and frowning. He was as lost as Ash was at the recent turn of events the past few days had entailed, but he knew he had to follow Ash no matter what. His mind raced of all the horrible things he could be asked to do. Kill, steal, with Team Rocket there was no limit.

A large door slammed opened and a hulk of a man walked through. He was bald and wearing a suit with six black pokéballs attached to his waist line. Giovanni. “At last the time has come for your first mission! You know I kept myself await last night thinking about what would be a good first mission, and I think this a real appropriate task. Ash there is one thing you need to be a real Team Rocket grunt that you don’t have, a partner. Don’t worry I’m not going to stick you with a loser like Jesse or Cassidy, no you must go recruit your own!”

“How am I supposed to convince someone to join Team Rocket? No one in their right mind would…” Ash began to argue.

“SILENCE!”Giovanni’s voice bolstered through the room silencing Ash. “You get them to join the same way I got you to join. Threaten someone close to them, make it seem like they have no option. In fact I have the perfect person to be your partner who will be easily persuaded. Your old friend May has a real knack for protecting her brother and I’m sure she would give in if you made her the right offer!” Giovanni chuckled at his master plan and turned to leave.

Ash immediately thought to protest but then remembered Giovanni’s threat of what he would do to his mother if he disobeyed. Maybe he could make May understand.

“One last thing Ash,” Giovanni stopped right before he stepped out of the door. “A trainer like you needs a Pokémon to match your power. This is for you, since your charizard is unavailable to us.” Giovanni pulled a black ball off his belt and held it out for Ash to take. “That Pokémon is a trained Rocket and will assist you well. If you do well for me there may be more powerful Pokémon in your future.”

Ash reached for the pokéball and immediately released the beast. He was shocked when before him stood a large black dragon. This charizard was different from his, for one thing it was black not orange. Its green wings were torn and battered. “Char!” it exclaimed in a deep voice. Ash could tell it had been through a lot and could almost see the hate in his eyes. The flame on its tail burned a dark orange-red and its claws looked razor sharp.


“Be off now boy, you have a mission!”


Ash dismounted his new black beast and quickly returned it to its ball. Ash quickly stepped out of the alley into the Saffron City crowd. The large number of people made it easy for him to camouflage himself into the group as he made his way to the Pokémon center.


Ash was dressed in his normal attire, a blue t-shirt with his vest over it and his traditional red hat sitting upon his head. Everything looked the same about him the average person but you could tell he was distraught. His emotion was blank and so was pikachu’s. Ash fiddled with his gloves as he waited for the automatic glass doors to slowly slide open and he walked in.


May sat on a red padded bench against the left wall of the center. Upon hearing the door open her head shot up to look as Ash walked in. She was wearing a green bandanna and an orange t-shirt. Her eyes sparkled upon seeing her old friend and she jumped from her seat and ran over to embrace him. “ASH! It is so great to see you! What are you doing here?”


“I heard you were competing and I was in the area.” The words felt like venom as the lies trickled out of his mouth. His stomach turned over and over as his anxiety rose. Ash faked a smile and pulled her close in an embrace. How could he do it this to her? She was one of his best friends and a beautiful girl at that. She doesn’t deserve to be stuck in the mess he is in. As he pulled away from her he finally cracked his first real grin in a while as he glanced at her short green skirt. Damn what an ass!


“Ash! What’s up man!” a blue haired kid came from a room near the back of the center. It was Max her younger brother. The plan was working just like Giovanni told him it would. Ash felt his gut sink as he waved at the younger teen, then looked back towards May.


“Hey... can I um talk to you... in private... outside?” Ash mumbled threw his words and feared he may be sending the wrong impression to her with his
stumbling of his words and noticeable high anxiety.


May nodded and started to head towards the door. “We will be right back Max, head on back to bed.” May ordered the younger boy as Ash followed her out. Ash snickered inside his head at the irony of the situation.


The two teenagers sat on a park bench at the side of the building, away from the lights. “So I don’t really know how to say this…” Ash started


“It’s okay Ash; I understand.” May interrupted him as she placed her hand on his leg. This wasn’t going like Ash planned.


“NO! That’s not what’s going on here!”Ash pushed her hand off of him. “I work for Team Rocket now.” May’s jaw dropped in disbelieve and she scurried away from him to the opposite side of the bench. “I was forced into this situation!” Ash began to try to explain. “They captured my mom and made me sign a contract and if I don’t work for them for the next year they will do horrible things to her!” Tears began to trickle down ash’s face now.


“What does this have to do with me?” May asked softly, realizing the pain in his words.


“I need a partner and they sent me to kidnap you and make you my partner.” Ash mumbled the words under his breath, unable to look May in the face as he said it.


“Get away from me!” May shoved Ash off the park bench and turned to run.


“Wait you have to understand!” Ash tried to reason but she was already gone.
“Charizard, go get her!” Ash tossed the ball into the air and in a flash the large black dragon had returned with the young girl squirming in his hands.


“Look all you need to do is sign this paper and join me. I promise I will find a way to get us out of this later but right now it’s the only option!” Ash held out an official Team Rocket contract and a pen towards May as she was still restrained by charizard.


“Never! Ash, you are better than this!” May curled her foot up and kicked a pokéball off of her belt. “Blaziken, sky uppercut!” a large human shaped bird erupted from the ball and smashed a paw into the right side of charizard’s
face, making him release the girl.


“Charizard, fire back with seismic toss.” Despite the fact that it was May he was battling ash jittered with excitement at the challenge. Before ash could even look up charizard had grasped blaziken and was taken him airborne.

CRASH! Blaziken came crashing down in an instant on top of a tree a few yards over, breaking the tree trunk down the middle. Blaziken lay unconscious as charizard landed beside Ash. May stood speechless at the power of Ash’s new beast.

“I didn’t want to have to do this May but you leave me no choice. Sceptile!” A loud crash came from the window beside Ash and his green gecko Pokémon leaped from it, with Max in its grasp. May stood in horror as she realized that sceptile’s razor sharp leaf blade was pressed against Max’s neck.

“All you have to do is sign the paper May.” May looked at her brother struggling trying to get free, then back to Ash who was doing his best to not break down and cry.

“Don’t do it!” Max protested but it was already too late. May scribbled her name on the paper and stepped forward towards Ash. May whipped a tear away as she recalled her defeated blaziken. Sceptile released the boy and was returned to his pokéball. Ash was in full tears by now as he called out his bulbasaur and ordered it to use sleep powder on May.


Her body fell limp into a deep sleep into Ash’s arms. “You won’t get away with this bastard!” Max screamed but it was already too late, Ash had mounted charizard and was off into the night.


So please leave all comments and feedback specifically though on my attempt at comic relief . I'll probably start chapter 2 next week where we will meet Jessie and James! Also look for the dark side in Ash to continue to develop. The next few chapter will probably get more serious and a little more dark so heads up. also if anybody wants to tell me how to keep my formatting from my page when i copy and paste, that would be great!


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