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  #1    
Old December 22nd, 2012, 07:02 PM
Vee Mellows
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Gender: Male
Please Note:
This fan-fiction contains explicit content such as:
Explicit Language
Expressed Violence
Mass Chaos


Pokemon - The Rise of Vee






CHAPTER I

I woke up in a cold sweat. It was pretty much like every night before, the cool wind and the sounds of screams had sung me to sleep. My dream last night was strange though, I can’t remember it all, but I woke up feeling almost... new. I opened my eyes and flipped onto my right side, through the blur of my eyelids I could see the constant flames flickering as they devoured the city. I sat up and almost immediately fell back down, I was so weak. I hadn’t eaten in days, and the last drink of water I had was while trying to avoid a fight between a couple of gangs. I managed to sit up and catch my breath, I looked around to make sure nobody was around. Just waking up is not the best time to get robbed, or killed for that matter. I had fallen asleep on a hill near the old forest, which was barely alive anymore. I quickly stood up and brushed off my clothes and opened my bag. I had an empty water bottle, a couple plastic bags that had berry juice stained to the insides. I turned the bags inside out and licked them clean. I put them back into my backpack and zipped it up. I threw the bag over my shoulder and re-adjusted my baseball cap, I then headed straight for the forest. Walking through was not too bad, the trees were mostly dead so I could easily see any possible threats coming my way. I kept an ear and eye out for any thieves, as they were pretty common in this part of the region. I looked to the east and saw the sun peeking through some dark smoke clouds from the city. The sight made me think back to the days when everything wasn’t as bad. I guess I was just born in a bad time, but things weren’t nearly as rough as they are now. I remember getting up one morning to the fresh smell of fish, a rarity in the town I had grown up in. It was a pretty well-knit town, we all got along, and we’ve had our share of famous people visit. I was about 13 when the leaders had gone rogue. After being taken over by the #1 gang in all of our region, they just lost all faith. The regions besides ours quickly fell apart, news of burning cities, underground organizations taking over and creating a new order were shown on TV before the broadcast towers had been destroyed. A quick rustle in the trees had snapped me back to reality. I hadn’t payed any attention to where I had walked and now I was lost in the trees. I heard a twig snap in the opposite direction of the first sound. I quickly brought up my walking stick to try and defend myself. “Who’s there?” I shouted. My heart was racing with nerves, I had barely escaped my last encounter alive. I still have burns on my arms, and the skin on my leg was still discolored from being poisoned. I heard another rustle in the trees. I quickly ran away in an attempt to flee, but I couldn’t escape. I tripped on the vines that had grown over the forest floor. I closed my eyes, knowing I couldn’t escape any fate that was about to come my way. Just then my face had become drenched with cold water. I jumped at the splash and looked up. It looked at me with its big eyes. It was no bigger than a foot tall, and barely a foot long. Fins had grown on it’s skull and legs, giving it’s blue skin a nice glow. I stared at it for a good bit before it came up and sprayed me again with a blast of freezing cold water...“Muuuuud--kiip!” .. “OH S***!” I stood up and quickly fell back onto my ass. I hadn’t seen a wild Pokemon in over a year. I recognized its species, a Mudkip. I hadn’t seen one except on TV as a kid. I remember seeing a documentary on dual-typed Pokemon. Apparently, Mudkip’s evolved forms had a ground affinity as well. If I recall correctly, they are extremely rare as well... I looked into the Mudkip’s eyes as it came up and walked onto my chest. “Muuud--Muuud!” I couldn’t help but smile at the innocence of this Pokemon. It licked my cheek as I laughed. I picked it up and got back onto my feet. It smiled at me as I smiled at it. I knew today was different, I had met someone to help me on my journey. To help me change things. To help me follow in the infamous Red’s footsteps. To take down Team Rocket. To start an uprising, that will douse the flames of the burning cities. My name is Vee Mellows, and this is my story.
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  #2    
Old December 23rd, 2012, 03:33 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
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I can't say I see much in the way of NC-17 stuff here. Is there going to be more that would qualify as that down the track (possible given he mentions taking on TR), or just an over-rating? If the former I'll suggest keeping things in check with the rules (some sort of stuff we're not keen on allowing in fics on these forums) but atm that's not going to be a concern. And if the latter is the case then maybe a more fitting rating should be considered.

But the more concerning thing I think is the way the story is presented visually. At the moment it appears as one large paragraph that's also centred to boot. You want to break it up in separate paragraphs, in part as it's a fairly solid rule to follow with writing to begin with and also that it's very hard to read as-is. It is easy to get lost with where to read from, and stories on computer screens isn't the best thing on the eye to begin with. Centreing the text is also unusual and not something the typical reader will be used to, so I suggest reverting to normal formatting so it's more presentable.

Otherwise the story has a not-bad start; it's just hard to go through it without the proper presentation (look at it this way; people will tend to go through with reading a story with proper paragraphing than without due to ease of reading).

A few story-specific comments:

- Try not to start sentences with 'I ____' too often. It's not so easy to do with first person stories, but it can lead to a repetitive tone in the story. (I ___, I ___, etc - more like a list of events if overdone.)

- Numbers less than 100 are typically written out in word-form (so say thirteen rather than 13. #1 can be an exception to that though, mind).

- 'Fins had grown on it’s skull and legs' - it's means it is, while its is what you want (the possessive form, eg its ball rather than 'it is ball').

- Watch out for run-on sentences (like 'I managed to sit up and catch my breath, I looked around to make sure nobody was around.' - if they could work as separate sentences than it is better to keep them as so rather than just join them up with a comma (which can be grammatically incorrect too).

- All in all it's a decent introduction to the story; there's a setup of the world and some motivation for the character too. I have a few questions about it here and there but perhaps that will be resolved later on in the story.
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Sheep in the Big City: General Specific

Last edited by bobandbill; December 23rd, 2012 at 03:42 AM.
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