[Discussion] The Discussions & Debates Advice Thread

[Livewire]

Other Chat & Discussions Help & Advice Thread

Formerly the Post your Problems thread!

Back by popular demand, with a few little twists. This time, the focus of the thread should be to give earnest and appropriate advice to memebers that seek it for worldy issues.

Things to remember:

• This isn't a complaint or venting thread. No profanity-laced tirades or shots at other users. Post here either to help others with a problem or to seek advice yourself.
• Normal PC rules regarding content and behavior apply. No rudeness, disrepect or bullying will be tolerated here. Infractions will be handed out liberally.
• 4/25 Rule and Censor/Swearing rules will be heavily enforced.
• Lastly, keep the topics discussed from becoming too heated. Do not enflame or troll others or make any issues worse. Also heavily enforeced.

*Disclaimer*
Please keep in mind that this isn't a substitute for real theraputic advice from a licensed professional. We aren't psychiatrists. That being said, for any serious mental or physical issues, you should seek professional help.

Post away!

[droomph]

Hi…I thought it might be helpful to ask people who know me (at least somewhat).

As of lately, I've been feeling like everything is going wrong, but whenever I look back on it, I find out that it was fine all along. This isn't something that I really need to see a therapist for, but do any of you have any ideas on how to help?

[Razor Leaf]

Originally Posted by droomph

As of lately, I've been feeling like everything is going wrong, but whenever I look back on it, I find out that it was fine all along. This isn't something that I really need to see a therapist for, but do any of you have any ideas on how to help?

Well, if when you look back on it you see that it's alright, then it's probably alright while it's happening. So maybe when you're doing something and feel like it's going wrong, rather than accepting that, try stopping for a minute and looking at your progress so far. If most things are alright looking back at them then rationally assessing how they're going while they're happening will probably help a little bit. Unless you're already doing that.

[Frostweaver]

Late late responses x.x just really busy lately.

It sounds like things are actually going well for you in my perspective. If you can think back and draw strength from it because you actually see how things benefit for you in the long run (be it development of the person, or that the situation is not as bad as it seems afterward), then maybe things are happening for the better and you're handling these challenges well enough. I don't know if I'm misinterpreting what you're saying, but it's as if you've already taken Razor's advice, and is stopping to look back at your progress to only realize that "well that wasn't as bad as I thought! It can be a lot worse."

Always try to assess the situation rationally is indeed the way to go, but understandably it's easy to have your judgment clouded by the situation as you're the one involved in it. You can also ask someone (friend, parents/guardians, whoever else you deem suitable) who is not involved for their opinion. The outsider perspective may always provide new insight to the problems at hand.

[droomph]

thanks! I've been trying those things out, and that's just the assurance I needed c:

[Urugamosu]

My girlfriend and I met up on YouTube and we've been dating for about 6 months.
And we obviously have a massive long distance relationship, but I always feel like I'm not doing enough for her. I feel like I should be there for her, physically. I just want to show her that I love her.

[Kura]

Originally Posted by Urugamosu

My girlfriend and I met up on YouTube and we've been dating for about 6 months.
And we obviously have a massive long distance relationship, but I always feel like I'm not doing enough for her. I feel like I should be there for her, physically. I just want to show her that I love her.

Have you ever sent her snailmail? Sometimes it's nice to hold something tangeable. Long distance relationships are tough, and I was in a serious one with someone from a different country for almost three years. Ours didn't end up working for personal reasons (wasn't the distance) and you just gotta keep telling yourself that if you want it to work, it'll work.
Have you tried saving money or having a passport ready if you ever wanted to visit? I don't know how old you are or how serious the relationship is, but that's always a possibility?

[Razor Leaf]

'sup bros and ho-ohs. Got a bit of a dilemma here.

So, I'm now a fair way into my first year of university here in the UK and people are starting to look at living arrangements for next year. For those of you who don't know, the general idea is that people live in accommodation owned by the university for their first year and then usually move out into rented accommodation outside of the university afterwards for the second year and possibly later years if required. So that's all very exciting and stuff, but there's one rather obvious problem...

...not everyone can live together. As it stands, I've got four groups of people who want me living with them and who I want to live with. One group is my current flatmates, one is some of my coursemates, one is some friends I've made through sport here, and the other is my best mate at uni and some of his friends who are pretty cool as well.

As far as the flatmates go, we'd probably all end up in one house so be together the same way as we are right now. They're all pretty awesome and I would jump at the chance to live with them, if it wasn't for one guy. Every flat has one bad person I guess and this one is just... ugh. I can see myself living with him I suppose but it'd be really frustrating. The others are getting on with him well enough but he really rubs me up the wrong way and I'd quite like to avoid him where possible. But aside from him, flatmates are great!

Living with coursemates would be good in that I like all of them and it's convenient to live with people who do what you do. I'd go for this if I wasn't gonna be spending a huge amount of time in uni with them anyway, so I'm holding back a little bit here since I feel like it may be limiting myself a little bit. Worth noting that two of my current flatmates are on courses in the same faculty as me anyway.

Sport people would be pretty cool. They're a varied group and they're pretty awesome in general. The issue, though, is that I don't know what it'd be like to actually live with them. Since none of them live together no-one really has an opinion on anyone as a flatmate or, next year, as a housemate. So while they're all good guys I'm pretty hesitant since I'm kinda blind here.

The last option, living with the friend I mentioned earlier, is an interesting one. Basically he's pretty freaking awesome and I know I'd love to live with him. His floormates (since his current accommodation is done in floors rather than flats) are all really nice too, from what I've seen - which is, admittedly, more of some than of others. I see them mostly when I hang around theirs or go with nights out on them or whatever. So I can't really be certain of what they're like to live with or if they're really ok with me living with them or not, although I've been told that they are.

Basically, that's the long and the short of my four options right now. What would you guys do in this situation?

[Abnegation]

Originally Posted by Razor Leaf

-snip-

Given that I've already moved twice since I've started college, and looking to do so a third time, this is what I'm going to base my advice on. I would say that you should probably move in with your course mates, so long as you get on with them. The problem with moving in with people you're really close to is that they become a distraction, and often living with people you're close to can actually end up being worse because arguments or annoyances ensue when you two don't agree on a matter while living together. The first few months are usually swell, but when it starts coming to a place where you're both in different times in college, and your times and due dates don't match up, there's going to be a lack of consideration for the other party.

I would advise moving in with course mates, because you're looking for a place to live, and what you need is the most convenient place possible. If you're all doing the same course then you're all in the same boat when it comes to deadlines and so on. Meaning that A) you can help one another out and B) you can all throw a party in your gaff at the same time. If you're looking for the best social life you could ever have, you can still go out, go to other people's places, but always be able to come to a house where there's like-minded guys. You're in college to get some work done, so the best way to do that is have a living environment where people around you aren't going to be waking you up at 4am spilling in with a bunch of people they met out at the club that night, when you have an 8am lecture.

If you get on with them, live with them. You can always hang and crash at friends' houses and so on, but you're not going to get all your work done in college, and you're going to want to actually get stuff in on time. The parties are easily found at college, but a good environment to get your college assignments done...isn't.

[Drakow]

You should move in with the group of people you feel you are most likely to get along with. I've had some old university friends suffer because they were living with people they didn't get along with and that seems like a real hell to me.

[von Weltschmerz]

All I can say is... don't move in with your best friend. When you live together... you start to realize all the little things that annoy you about one another. It has strong potential to ruin friendships...

[Frostweaver]

Course mates.

Nothing really helps studying or development of your future career better than to be in constant presence of like-minded people. You learn much more as you discuss about the same things or try to explain something yourself. Also, don't forget that you may be able to establish work-related connections better this way to prepare yourself for the future.

Plus, who said that course-mates can't be fun people to have just fun with :P You seem to enjoy their presence enough and don't find them intolerable or anything, so it seems like the good choice to pick.

[Scarf]

Live with the cleanest people who have the least amount of drama. Cleanliness because hygiene is one of those things that really causes problems, and problems/drama make your personal space unpredictable.

Unless you're totally the opposite of someone's personality you'll find it's easy enough to get along with most people as long as they aren't crazy in some way. You really want to have the place you live in be as relaxing and quiet and free of drama or other distractions as possible because at some point you're probably going to need that kind of environment for school reasons. There will be lots of chances to have fun with friends outside of your living area.

[Kura]

I dunno. It really depends on the people. I've lived with a friend one year, someone I didn't know in a different program the other year, and a girl I didn't know before but in the same program as me in the last year.

I'll say that I wouldn't recommend living with friends, even though we did get along okay, it was tough because you see so much of the other person and feel like you have to be friendly all the time even if you're dead tired.
The girl from the other program was probably the best to live with just because she was mature. If she was gonna throw a party, she'd let me know beforehand. Easy peasy. She was neat, like me, too.

The last girl was a nightmare. You'd think someone in the same program would understand how tough it'd be for me in my last year. But no. She'd invite friends over till 3AM and they'd be hollering, banging walls and all that stuff.. when I have an 8AM class the next morning. I've asked her on multiple accounts to quiet down after 1AM which she always failed to do. She was vindictive, and she tried to blackmail me. Luckily the only thing I ever "owed" her was the one time I had a fever and bronchitis and I gave her a dollar to go across the street and get 50 cent piece of ginger for me so I could make some ginger tea so I could stop throwing up.
Funny enough she was supposed to be a mature 26 year old.. pfft.


Go with people who will give you the least amount of stress, and people where it wont really matter if you have a bit of a falling out with.

If you know your course-work friends.. then go with them. But if you don't really know them, either stick with the same guys or go with the sports people.

[shnen2]

not really fitting with the mild / happy nature of this thread and PC in general but whatever I feel like posting this

Ever since the death of my father I've found sleeping without my thoughts eventually drifting to it extremely hard so I've tended to just stay up on my computer or iPad until I'm so tired I will literally fall asleep within about seven minutes (usually around 3 am)

I have an addictictive personality and it's grown into a habitual action and I'm finding it hard to shake
it's gotten so bad that I'm doing this on school nights when I have to wake up at half 7 and when I'm really ill. Even when I'm reaaaaally tired the latest I'll be going to bed is say 1

honestly I'm not sure if it still is about my dad's death or if I'm just using that as a scapegoat to pin my failings (i.e. addictive personality and knowingly stupid decisions) on. It could also just be puberty messing about with me but I highly doubt this due to the extremity.


I really need to break this cycle - this has been going on for close to two years. Does anyone have any tips for doing this? I read somewhere that doing an allnighter and then going to sleep really early resets the sleep cycle but a. I'm not entirely convinced and b. I can't even do allnighters in my current state. So yeah, help?

[Scarf]

Originally Posted by shnen2

-snip-

So yeah, help?

Maybe try to get out and do different things than usual? You'll have other/new things on your mind, you'll have more reasons to try to be awake and able during the day, and you might tire yourself out from doing interesting things instead of being tired from lack of sleep.

[von Weltschmerz]

@Shnen: Try to counter this habit by forming another one. The body enjoys routine. By doing that every night before bed... your body has developed the idea that bed time is signaled BY DOING that. So instead... develop a different bed time routine. An easy oe is to: Wash your face, brush your teeth, read for half an hour and then go to bed. If you start doing THAT before you go to bed.. then THAT will become your habit. If you don't fall asleep quickly (10-20 minutes) then get out of bed. Get up and do something to distract you. Go for a walk, read for another 30 minutes. SOMETHING. Your mind wont fall asleep when it is left to wonder like that. You also shouldn't make it a habit of hanging out on your bed/in your room. While it is not always avoidable, that develops the notion that your bed/room is a "hang out" zone and not a "sleep zone." That is why you sleep easier(sometimes) when other places... because the place you are sleeping is viewed as a sleep place, because you have't been around it daily(like your own room) to establish it as that.

OTHER THAN THAT....

Get out of the house and run around during the day. Burn off all that excess energy that you have! Avoid staying on the computer late into the night... the light from the screen not only has adverse effects on your eyes, but it works to keep you up. Don't drink anything with a lot of caffeine or sugars roughly 6 hours before you go to bed.

[Frostweaver]

If you are lacking willpower in a sense that you know you need to break a bad habit in your mind, but fail to do so cause the heart refuses to listen, then positive peer pressure generally can help.

On top of some suggestions above, yes it's nice to form routine or exercise or form other habits, but understandably it's very hard to start. Having a buddy to join the cause with you or a friend to keep you accountable is an idea. Having a friend and some social connection will get some of the gloom off as well. A jogging buddy or a friend to start exercising with is always great. Meet up consistently with a friend to do anything (be it work or fun-things related), tell your friend about your new resolution and generally your friend will ask how are things going every time you meet up. The peer pressure will certainly help in this sense.

On top of these things though, you may have to consider seeing a professional in real life. Though it is perfectly normal for a time of sadness, but if these things persists beyond a full year after bereavement, then the grief has persisted a bit too long. I can't recall exactly where have I heard of it, but I distinctively remember that if things aren't ok after a year, then it's strongly recommended to seek professional help and see if they can assist you in anyway possible.

[⊗Slenderman⊗]

Okay, I generally wouldn't post this on the internet, but I would appreciate advice on this. I can't post it on Facebook or similar websites (I don't want my family/friends to know).

So I recently admitted to my best friend things about my history of self-harm. She didn't lecture me or anything...just seemed confused and sad. Within minutes of being told, she threatened to tell my mother, who is unaware of this. But she agreed to keep quiet...after all, she's the only person I know offline that knows about that.

Short of discussing it with her, how can I make her believe that I'm not some sadistic freak? That my life is fine and I genuinely have stopped.

Also, would it be stupid to show her my arms as proof that I really have stopped? It's a bit risky, considering she might find scars and get upset with me before I can explain. But there are no recent cuts, at least.

[Scarf]

Originally Posted by ⊗Slenderman⊗

Okay, I generally wouldn't post this on the internet, but I would appreciate advice on this. I can't post it on Facebook or similar websites (I don't want my family/friends to know).

So I recently admitted to my best friend things about my history of self-harm. She didn't lecture me or anything...just seemed confused and sad. Within minutes of being told, she threatened to tell my mother, who is unaware of this. But she agreed to keep quiet...after all, she's the only person I know offline that knows about that.

Short of discussing it with her, how can I make her believe that I'm not some sadistic freak? That my life is fine and I genuinely have stopped.

Also, would it be stupid to show her my arms as proof that I really have stopped? It's a bit risky, considering she might find scars and get upset with me before I can explain. But there are no recent cuts, at least.

It sounds as if this is the first time she's known someone with history like yours. If that's the case then she might have misconceptions about self-harm and think your life is in danger, or something along those lines. She might also be being level headed about this if she just wants to make sure you've got someone to talk to, some support, of which family is usually one of the most supportive groups you can have. She might also be worried, not that you're a freak, but that you haven't stopped. Whatever the case she's probably doing what she thinks is best for you.

I think discussing it with her (your friend) really is the best thing you can do. If she's never known anyone who's harmed themselves or is generally unaware of the factors and reasons going into this then giving her something to read might be good, too. You know, something from an impartial source, like a doctor or psychologist. Your telling her could have come as a big surprise and the shock of it might be making it hard for her to adjust so it might be a while before she's ready to believe something other than what she believes now. Generally, honesty and openness are good for building trust so if you're open with her that'll make it easier for her to believe that you're okay now.

[clay10mc]

Hey there people! I have a question that's been bugging me since the beginning of this school year. My best friend since preschool has really changed. He's become overly annoying, a huge smartass/*******, and worst of all, I think he's become very racist.

Well, we have every class together and all he does is crack jokes. Racist ones. He says and does things that signify beliefs such as, "Black people are always in jail," and, "Mexicans always have big families."

I told him that he's being racist, but he insists that its a joke and he's not racist. But I still think that's racist. He lashes back and says, "You've told a racist joke and you're not racist." But he ALWAYS does it! Everyone we know says he's racist, except for the people I'm pretty sure don't want to offend him.

Now, do you guys/gals think he's racist? Do you think I should just leave him to his beliefs and tell him to cool it down, or just avoid him? I really need some help with this! Thanks in advance.

[AlexOzzyCake]

Originally Posted by clay10mc

Hey there people! I have a question that's been bugging me since the beginning of this school year. My best friend since preschool has really changed. He's become overly annoying, a huge smartass/*******, and worst of all, I think he's become very racist.

Well, we have every class together and all he does is crack jokes. Racist ones. He says and does things that signify beliefs such as, "Black people are always in jail," and, "Mexicans always have big families."

I told him that he's being racist, but he insists that its a joke and he's not racist. But I still think that's racist. He lashes back and says, "You've told a racist joke and you're not racist." But he ALWAYS does it! Everyone we know says he's racist, except for the people I'm pretty sure don't want to offend him.

Now, do you guys/gals think he's racist? Do you think I should just leave him to his beliefs and tell him to cool it down, or just avoid him? I really need some help with this! Thanks in advance.

It's hard to know without having spoken to your friend before, but I have a friend who's similar and it sounds to me like he probably is joking. Although if you're uncomfortable with the jokes then there's no reason you have to stay friends - sure it's a shame to lose a friend of so many years but people change a lot given time and you start to see who they really are. I'd suggest talking to him about it saying that the comments, even if they are jokes, offend you and that you (and everyone around you) would rather he stopped them, then hopefully he'll understand and work on it for you. It's unlikely he'll stop right away since it's probably habit by now, but have a little patience with him and help him keep at it by reminding him whenever he makes one that he shouldn't etc, and then hopefully all will be fine! However it's possible that this is just part of who he is and that he expects his 'best friend' to accept that, in which case you'll have to decide whether your friendship means more to you than tolerating the horrid jokes. Best of luck dude!

[Frostweaver]

A short answer but really, sometimes people change and it can go either way. Someone who used to be lovely to hang out with may change to be someone you can't agree with. On the other hand though, it's possible that former enemies may become someone you can trust, and so on. I personally don't like to hang out with people of opposite beliefs like that as close friends, so my personal opinion is you should talk with him if he'll stop saying those things. If he truly values you as a friend the way you do, he will understand, respect your feelings and stop.

[droomph]

How does one go upon…

Ah whatever. The real question.

How do you guys get over yourselves over embarrassing things? I need to at least feel good about things I've done wrong (like, I did something embarrassing a couple years ago) that I still need to get over. It doesn't feel healthy to me…

[Razor Leaf]

Originally Posted by droomph

How does one go upon…

Ah whatever. The real question.

How do you guys get over yourselves over embarrassing things? I need to at least feel good about things I've done wrong (like, I did something embarrassing a couple years ago) that I still need to get over. It doesn't feel healthy to me…

I'd say embarrassment's a pretty normal thing to feel and there's nothing wrong with it for a little while. A 'couple of years', though, seems to be on the excessive side to me. Try rationalising it against other embarrassing things other people have done and put it in perspective that way. How embarrassing was it in reality as opposed to your view of it? Does it still matter today? Is it something you can laugh about in any way? Just try to not feel so bad about it and instead put it into perspective against how bad it could have been or how much it really matters in the end.