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  #1    
Old January 4th, 2013, 05:33 AM
Leikaru
Back from the dead...
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Textville
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Hello. This is a Work In Progress Fan-Fiction on Pokemon, as you may have thought. In this story, Jamie, a young boy, journies around an entirely new region, never before seen, called Kaylen. Kaylen is your averaged size region, with an average thing going on. However, that all changes while he's out.

Prologue

"It's here." A voice murmured, in pitch black darkness.
"You mean..." Another voice, this time, a women's, said.
"It has to be. This is the last place Astelltra was seen." The man replied. Suddenly, you could see his face. Black hair, longer than the average. However, his cold face definitely gave him the man-like look. Out of nowhere a cry was heard, and all of sudden, both ran. Whatever was there, is was certainly dangerous. They ran and ran, and then, a shout, louder than anything imaginable from a person, could be heard.
"Time... for... destruction!"
"It's Arceus!" The women seemed to whisper, although you could see she was trying hard to be heard. Then, the man tripped, and the women just carried on, and on, and on...

Chapter 1 - Early Days

Jamie realized the day, and sighed. Bored, like always.
"Jamie, do you know what day it is today?" His Mum Questioned him.
"Yeah, it's Sund- wait... really? Oh jeez, I'm gonna have to run!" Jamie replied realizing what day it is. Today, he was to receive a special Pokemon from the Professor of Kaylen. He did not know what he was going to receive, as he did not choose. It was up to Professor Pine, and as soon as a child in Varnel Town was born, he registered them a Pokemon, which was trained to be a great starting Pokemon. Only his mum knew. However, she didn't know the full details at all. Jamie suddenly got dressed quickly, and ran over to the Professor's lab.

When he was there, he saw he was not the only one, and his rival, Blake, looked angry, and glared. His glare seemed reminiscent of an Arbok's.
"How long did it take it for you to find out what day it was? Or did it just not go through your thick, fat head?" Blake leered at him.
"Ur..." Jamie couldn't think of what to say. He wanted to punch Blake.
"Anyway, when I get the best Pokémon, and you have a useless Magikarp, don't sweat it if I challenge you, alright? Because we both know what will happen." Suddenly Professor Pine walked in.
"Blake, now, I know what Pokémon you have. You don't, and you better not whinge." He stared at Blake and Jamie, "either of you." He paused, and took a breath. His assistant gave Professor Pine a Pokéball.
"Here you are, Professor." His assistant clumsily said, nearly dropping the red and white ball.
"Blake, this is your one." Professor Pine handed Blake the Pokéball.
"Alright, then! Come out, super dude!" Blake called, throwing the ball into the air. The ball hit the floor, and out came Blake's Pokémon. It was really quite strange.
"What is it?" Blake asked the Professor.
"Ah!" The Professor told Blake. "This is a rather special Pokémon of mine."
"Told you I was going to get the best one, Jamie" Blake sneered. Before Jamie had time to retaliate, Professor Pine replied back.
"This is an Eevee." Professor Pine told Blake.
"Cool!" Blake shouted.
"Here is your Pokédex." Professor Pine handed Blake the Pokédex. It looked like an average one, it was green, and had 2 screens. The top one was the picture of the Pokémon, the bottom gave all the details. "Now, Jamie, here is your one." Jamie couldn't believe it. He finally had one. A Pokémon.
"Alright then, let's show them!" Jamie called. The ball hit the floor. Suddenly, a blue Pokémon appeared out of the ball. It was the Emanation Pokémon, Riolu. Blake looked envious.
"Look who's laughing now, Blake!" Jamie taunted. Blake looked like he was about to cry. "Wanna battle?" Jamie asked. Blake suddenly was back to himself.
"Of course, I mean, Eevee's have always been better than Riolu's. Especially my one, it knows Quick Attack!" Blake snapped. Jamie looked at his Riolu, and checked the Pokédex.
"Amazing!" Jamie shouted. "Riolu, you know Aura Sphere?!" Blake suddenly stopped all his laughing, and pulled the whiny face again.
"Who cares what it knows! It will still lose! Ready, Eevee?" Blake said. Eevee called back, which seemed to mean yes.
"Fine! Riolu, get ready to rumble!" Riolu looked prepared for battle. "You take first move, Blake!"

Battle Scene - Jamie VS Blake
Eevee used Tackle
Riolu dodges
Riolu uses Force Palm
Eevee counters with Quick Attack. Hit!
Riolu used Aura Sphere. Hit!
Eevee is struggling.
Riolu uses Force Palm. Hit!
Eevee is now really struggling.
Eevee gets up
Eevee uses Quick Attack
Riolu dodges
Eevee uses Quick Attack. Hit!
Riolu uses Force Palm. Hit!
Eevee is down!

End Of Battle

Blake couldn't believe it. He lost.
"Oh well, it's still early days!" Blake shouted, and then he stormed off. Your right, Blake. Your right. More of a chance of me defeating you.
__________________
Pokemon Y > Pokemon X

Don't agree? Sorry for spoiling your day.



Coming soon... a new game... after I've finished Pokemon Steel of course.

MONSTERRA

Last edited by Leikaru; January 13th, 2013 at 06:30 AM.
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  #2    
Old January 4th, 2013, 10:08 AM
Codaq's Avatar
Codaq
Togepi
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Lisbon, Capital of Randomness
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Leikaru, your story is fine, but there are some major issues that you want to avoid before putting it to appreciation here in the boards. The first thing is that your narrative seems a little rushed, don't you think? Maybe you were out of ideas or you wanted to get to the point that quickly, but reading a text like that makes us (readers) fell an incredible emptiness... Why did Prof. Pine give a Lucario to Jamie? What makes him special? Why is he "the chosen one"? Out of nowhere you put Pine handling him a "powerful" Pokémon just after Jamie woke up. In my opinion, there are major lacks in this part of the text...
In the second chapter I think you could improve more the description of the battle, giving more details and that kind of stuff that makes us (readers) get stuck to your text. And why is a Pokédex saying: "Roughneck Baldy would like to battle."? Doesn't the trainer have a mouth lol? Specially a roughneck... I was expecting him to bully Jamie or something like that.

I look further to read the next chapter and know what kind of enemies is Jamie going to face!
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"Over the harsh nudity of truth - the diaphanous robe of fantasy"
The Relic, Eça de Queiroz
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  #3    
Old January 4th, 2013, 10:44 AM
Leikaru
Back from the dead...
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Textville
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
@Codaq: Cheers for the advice. I will probably rewrite it, but for now, I just want to get the rough idea of what the story will be like. So, now it's kind of shaped up, I will probably update with some key details that I'm missing.

Chapter 3 will be up soon, as well, so, you won't have to wait too long for that. It will be considerably longer than the first 2, and will be called "Tackling the First Gym". Pretty much sums it up. Here's a little taster:

"Quick, Riolu, use Force Palm!" Jamie shouted out quickly. Riolu quickly leapt into the air, and landed, fist first, into the Onix's rocky disaster of a face.
"Alright, first one down!" Jamie had just defeated Pokemon number one.
"Stupid kid! Listen, you are not gonna win easy! Boldore, show him!" [Leader] shouted, excitedly, for some strange reason.
Jamie had no other though except to scream.


What do you think? That's just a little taster of Jamie in the Gym.
__________________
Pokemon Y > Pokemon X

Don't agree? Sorry for spoiling your day.



Coming soon... a new game... after I've finished Pokemon Steel of course.

MONSTERRA
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  #4    
Old January 12th, 2013, 05:42 AM
Leikaru
Back from the dead...
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Textville
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Sheesh, haven't updated for a while. I'm working on lengthening the first and second chapter, and also, a prologue for it. I've finished Chapter 3, but I will need to finish Chapter 1 and 2 for you to understand it fully.
__________________
Pokemon Y > Pokemon X

Don't agree? Sorry for spoiling your day.



Coming soon... a new game... after I've finished Pokemon Steel of course.

MONSTERRA
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