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Old January 17th, 2013 (06:50 AM).
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Peter Brabeck, CEO of the world's largest foodstuff company, Nestle, has begun plans to privatize the air we breathe within municipal borders across the globe.

Nestle's idea is to make air a quantifiable commodity sold on the open market. The company would then contract with municipal leaders (from New York to New Zealand) to be the principal supplier of the air we breathe. Meaning: if New Yorkers wanted to breathe the air around them within the city's limits, they would need to pay Nestle in order to do so.

This news comes on the heels of Brabeck's announcement that he considers fresh water to be a commodity that should be wholly privatized rather than a human necessity to which global citizens have a right to unfettered access:

According to Brabeck, access to water is not a human right, and those who purport such claims are extremists.

Now, Nestle's CEO is categorizing the air we breathe as a commodity as well. "Those on the left backed by NGOs will say that access to air is a human right," Braback said when reached for comment. "However, oxygen is just like anything else. It's a commodity. People want it. And a market value should ascribed to it."

When asked whether making air a commodity could potentially leave millions (or billions) of poor global citizens out in the cold, Braback rejected such thoughts as fear-mongering. "Once we know what air is worth, we'll know how large the subsidies need to be to keep poor people breathing."

When asked to comment, poor people across the globe refused to waste their last free breaths on an answer.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/01/10/1178026/-STUNNING-Nestle-CEO-Plans-to-Privatize-the-Air-You-Breathe

Horray for Capitalism!
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Old January 17th, 2013 (07:11 AM).
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Anybody who's watched the news the past few years/months should know that a lot of CEO's are radical and out of touch. Another idiot CEO.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (07:49 AM).
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So, what this enlightened mind (so I don't call it something else) is saying is that, basically, life is not a right but a commodity. It's amazing how much of an idiot, stupid, narrow-minded, careless prick, and money hungry at any cost a human being can show to be in less than ten sentences.

And people wonder why I'm losing faith on mankind.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (08:36 AM).
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I'm trying to find the Onion link in that post but... it's just... not... appearing anywhere!
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Old January 17th, 2013 (09:08 AM).
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What I want to know is how he plans to... um... actually make sure that his product isn't stolen.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (09:12 AM).
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This has to be a joke. There's no way that would ever happen. This fills my quota for "most ridiculous thing seen today" who would be this crazy and greedy to try and make you pay to breathe.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (09:28 AM).
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Money talks and ******** walks.

We should all know how the system works by now.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (10:02 AM).
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Not surprised. Nestle is a pretty horrible company in general

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-06-29/nestle-must-address-child-labor-in-cocoa-supply-fla-says.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nestl%C3%A9_boycott
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Old January 17th, 2013 (10:44 AM).
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Not really surprised. Companies these days want to charge people over anything, and probably will without hesitation. I guess it just goes to show that humanity's greed will be its undoing.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (11:15 AM).
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Is it April already?

By the way, I'm commodifying sunlight so all you people gotta pay me starting at dawn.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (11:27 AM).
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Quote originally posted by Scarf:
Is it April already?

By the way, I'm commodifying sunlight so all you people gotta pay me starting at dawn.
Someone has already claimed ownership of the sun. Little late there, Scarf.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (11:39 AM).
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Quote originally posted by TornZero:
But I'm claiming the light it emits. I'm sure I can finagle some legal workaround there. That's how this works, right? I mean, if you can claim air, which is produced by plants which are on land owned by people, then I can claim the light from the sun.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (12:00 PM).
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I can't find anything other than this site saying this. I'm not sold that this isn't a joke article.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (12:01 PM).
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Who did he pay to own the air? Tornadus?

This seems just like the movie Total Recall lol. Making people buy air on the planet Mars if they wanna breathe. This time, it's Earth
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Old January 17th, 2013 (02:57 PM).
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Rawr! Evil corporations and CEOs. Bad capitalism.

Feel free to make yourselves aggravated if you want, but if you look at the tags on that story it is clearly marked as "satire".

So... not real. Heck, Brabeck stepped down as CEO at Nestlé back in 2008.

And there already is water as a privatized alternative or commercialized commodity. Don't know why that article tries to make that sound surprising or new. We've had plastic water bottles in vending machines for years. And yet our sinks still work and provide water just fine.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (02:58 PM).
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This kinda reminds me of the plot for the Lorax movie adaption. I hope this doesn't mean Nestle will try to tear down trees and create more pollution to force comsumers to buy air.
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Old January 17th, 2013 (04:13 PM).
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Old January 17th, 2013 (04:22 PM).
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All of the profits go to the Overlord Drakow in his master plans of world domination.

Indeed. It seems it's all about greed.
Spoiler:
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Old January 17th, 2013 (04:55 PM).
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Um right. If he sucks all the air out of the atmosphere and charges me for it, I'll just die than give him my precious money.

**** him tbh I have better places to go (ie not here) if this place can't support me.
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Old January 18th, 2013 (12:50 PM).
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Ummm............

I think I might need warp drive now...

*no comment on subject*
  #21    
Old January 18th, 2013 (01:34 PM).
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First it'll be privatized.

Then there'll be qualities you can buy in bottles: Mountain clean, LA Freeway, Smoggy Beijing.

Then there'll be bootlegs.

Ok all joking aside, that CEO has got to be smoking something, and I really want some of it. Why would you want to privatize air of all things? It's the most valuable resource to life, and we'd have to pay for it? Thanks, but no thanks.
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Old January 18th, 2013 (01:37 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Team Fail:
Ok all joking aside, that CEO has got to be smoking something, and I really want some of it.
But it isn't true. And he isn't the CEO.

Go look at my earlier post.
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Old January 18th, 2013 (09:50 PM).
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I think everyone here needs to just stop breathing, then we won't even need to fear that our air will be taken away - because we won't even need it anymore! THE PERFECT SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING.
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Old January 19th, 2013 (01:02 AM).
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Quote originally posted by Toujours:
I can't find anything other than this site saying this. I'm not sold that this isn't a joke article.
Knowing Nestlé, I can't say I'd be surprised if this wasn't a joke. :P
But honestly, this is just... Words cannot explain how ridiculous this is.
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Old January 19th, 2013 (08:03 AM).
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This is hilarious! If I could I would do everything in my power to help this along, just so that the failure is so spectacular and with such cost that no one ever does anything stupid again.
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