Summary: When a slightly off Dragonborn tests out his latest trinket the result is not quite what this college student expected.
Forward: This fic is mainly because I got very, very bored and had a lot of Baja Blast from Taco Bell one night. Not an entirely serious fic, but good for a quick laugh. One-Shot, but upon requests I might pick it up again.
"That," Lydia nearly growled as she pushed the now dead dremora off her blade, "was not a rabbit."
"So it seems," the Dragonborn admitted. Honestly, this 'gift' from the daedric prince of madness was turning into a sour deal. So far the effects of the staff were as varied and random as the mad god himself. The most recent effect being the dremora that had once been a butterfly. It surely was not the most useful tool the hero of Skyrim was ever given. "What is the list again?"
His housecarl sighed. "Let's see," she said with sarcastic malice, "there was lighting, fire, and frost. Then there was the rock that then became a sweet roll, which I had to talk you out of eating. Then there was yesterday when you turned that guard that tried to arrest you for harassing chickens into a mud crab, and somehow you still managed to end up in the Dragonsreach Dungeons. And more recently, the daedra that tried to kill me. Oh and let's not forget my horse, which you turned into a rabbit."
The Dragonborn nodded. "Good," he said to no one in particular. "Oh and it's 'Dremora'," he corrected. He caught Lydia's confused glare. "Dremora, not just daedra."
"Dremora then," she spat, throwing up her hands in mock surrender. She took a breath and sighed, calming herself. "You owe me a new horse." The Dragonborn grunted as he inspected his helmet. "Are you even paying attention?"
"Of course," he said, replacing his helm. He threw his thumb over his left shoulder. "Your horse hopped that way."
Lydia shook her head, looking in the direction where her Thane had pointed. Unfortunately a rabbit was a bit harder to track than a horse. Besides, she didn't want to leave the Dragonborn alone, especially with that, that thing. She turned and saw him staring at it again. The Nord was holding the staff at eye level, looking straight into the faces at the tip. He'd come back with it from a trip to Solitude, and ever since he's been obsessed with it. He'sthe Dragonborn, she reminded herself for what seemed like the millionth time, he should be hunting dragons, not playing with magic sticks. Especially daedric magic sticks.
"Lydia," the Dragonborn said, breaking her from her thoughts.
"Yes, my Thane?"
"Bring me my horse." Talos preserve us…
Ethan wasn't exactly sure how he'd describe the sound. It was somewhere between a yawn and a sigh; maybe it was both. Whatever it was, it suited exactly how he felt. He opened his laptop and dug out the AC cord from his bag, plugging one end into his computer and then leaning and plugging it into the outlet. It felt strange to do that without asking if someone minded, but today there was no need. Keller Hall was empty at this time in the morning, hell, the sun wasn't even completely up yet, and he was surprised the campus security even let him in. Everyone was busy cramming for their finals the night before and were either still locked in their dorms or sleeping; except he thought he could get away with waiting until the morning before. I'll remember it better when it's fresh in my head, he remembered telling himself.
**** was he wrong.
He tapped at the table impatiently as his laptop buzzed to life, only bothering to stop when he needed to push the space bar to continue Windows because he'd been too lazy to shut the thing down last night before bed after an all-night Skyrim play night. Finally he loaded the PDF files that the professor had put on her website. His head was swimming. After a few minutes he leaned back, rubbing his face. There was simply too much information to process all at once.
With a sigh he stood and stretched. He closed his laptop and made his way to the vending machines down the hall. Sugar might help. It was worth a shot anyways. Or maybe a real shot, he thought with a bit of a sad smile. Cursing that the damn vendor raised the price again, he pulled out the cash from his wallet and, after smoothing his dollars, punched the button for a Coke, only to having the machine beep and tell him it was out of stock. Screw you too. He pushed the button for a Sprite instead, only to jump back as a small electric shock jolted up his arm on contact. "What the ****?" he muttered, glancing around to make sure he was really alone… and that no one had seen that.
Slowly, he reached forward again, pushing the button and hearing the satisfying click as the machine responded and spat out the cold pop. Weird, he told himself as he picked up the Sprite and twisted it open. He sipped lazily as he made his way back to his impromptu workstation. He sat down in front of his laptop, putting down his drink and running a hand through his hair as he tried to start studying again. But as soon as he touched the computer he got shocked again, this time so much that he jumped up with a small yelp. He stared at his computer in shock. What was going on? Was there something going on with the humidity or something? Hesitantly he reached forward to touch his computer again, but this time the shock was so strong that he was jolted backwards. His limbs went numb as he flew back, stomach reeling as he realized…
Why haven't I hit the floor yet?
She could think of a million things to tell the Dragonborn. First and foremost on that list was that he was an idiot. But he was her Thane and Dragonborn, and she did not dare to question him. Especially since she heard that rumor about him Shouting a Greybeard off a mountain because they disagreed. Maybe that's why he hasn't been hunting dragons. She knew he'd killed them before, she'd seen the skeleton that the Whiterun guards had marched proudly back to Dragonsreach, but still…
She glanced at him, pulling his horse behind her. "Are you sure about his, my Thane?" she offered. "It may not be wise."
He was counting his steps as he walked backwards, stopping at least twenty paces away. "How so?"
She raised a brow. "We have no idea what that thing could turn it into, it could turn into a dragon!"
He stopped, looking back with a smirk. "Well, good thing I'm Dragonborn then."
She opened her mouth only to close it. There was no speaking sense to this man. She glanced sadly at the horse before stepping away and joining the Dragonborn. Dragonbait was living up to his name, at least. He raised the staff, a purple cackling energy gathered at the tip as he did so. With a wild arc he aimed the energy at the horse. The poor beast nickered one last time as it was consumed by the energy in a blinding flash. Lydia covered her eyes.
The next moment the horse was gone. Lydia's jaw dropped when she saw what was in its place.
There, lying in the snow was a young dressed in the strangest clothing she had ever seen.
The first thing Ethan noticed was that it was really, really cold, and wet. His head was spinning and his legs still felt numb. With a groan he pushed himself to his elbows and blinked open his eyes. He was outside? How?
When the world around him stopped spinning his sat up completely, his jaw dropped and his mind a blank. Where was he? Did he black out? He remembered reading about that somewhere. People that sleep walk or black out and wake up somewhere completely different. But there were no forests even remotely by where the school was. It was in the middle of a college town. But somehow that was the only explanation. The shock had thrown him back and knocked him out when he hit the ground, and somehow he was sleep walking and ended up here. Did people that were knocked out sleep walk? He didn't even know.
He jumped at the sound of a voice coming from his right. He turned, and was even more shocked. Two really tall people, in armor, standing there gaping at him like he was an alien. The armor looked familiar. The first was a woman in what looked like heavy armor, a shield was on one arm, and there was a sword at her hip. Her hair was mid length and black. Beside her stood a man, taller, and wearing…
Why is he wearing dressed like the Dragonborn from the Skyrim trailers?
Okay, he told himself, think rationally. Maybe they are a bunch of film nerds like him filming something for Youtube. Or maybe there is a convention nearby and they are doing a photo shoot? Maybe they are roleplayers or something.
The woman dressed as, he guessed Lydia, stepped forward, her face serious, and drew her weapon. On instinct Ethan scrambled backwards, stumbling to his feet, only to lose balance and fall back in the snow. When he looked up the man dressed as the Dragonborn was holding her back with a steady arm. "Wait," he said in a strange accent.
The woman looked at him. "We have no idea who he is."
The Dragonborn-guy shook his head. "He's my horse!"
"What," she scoffed, "you think it turned your horse into a person?"
"It turned a guard into a crab."
"Well, maybe it can turn animals into men as well."
"That makes no sense!"
"Of course it doesn't!"
"Your horse wasn't wearing pants."
The Dragonborn looked at her like she was the crazy one. "Of course he wasn't wearing pants, he's a horse!"
She threw her arm out and pointed at Ethan, who was still lying awestruck in the snow. "Then where did they come from then?"
"Oblivion, I guess."
She barked a laugh, making Ethan jump a bit. "Because daedra really, really care about public indecency, you know!"
The Dragonborn-guy grunted. Ignoring his, Ethan guessed friend, he made his way to Ethan. Ethan couldn't help but stare helplessly as the tall, muscled stranger approached him. The Dragonborn leaned down and looked at Ethan with serious eyes. "Do you understand me?"
Ethan nodded. "Who're you?"
The man gave a sly smile, like he really enjoyed introducing himself. "I'm the Dragonborn," he pronounced, "and this is my companion, Lydia of Whiterun."
Ethan raised a brow. "Where am I?"
"The Pale," the Dragonborn said, curious at his disbelief. "Skyrim."
"Funny," Ethan said, "seriously, where am I?"
The 'Dragonborn' looked at him like he was a lost child. "I know it might be a lot to take in. You were a horse a few minutes ago after all."
"I'm not a horse."
"Now you aren't… but you were."
"You're crazy," Ethan concluded.
"You're a horse."
"This is ridiculous," Ethan nearly shouted. "If you don't tell me where I am I'm calling the cops."
The Dragonborn looked at him like he really was a horse. "The who?"
"Cops… the police?" he said as he reached into his pocket to pull out his cellphone, only to find there was no service. "****," he growled.
"Such a temper," the Dragonborn said with a knowing smile, "you are so my horse."
"Oh, my ****ing god, you're both insane," and with that, the stranger began walking away.
She sighed. "Yes, my Thane?"
"Bring me my horse!"
Ethan stopped and turned. "I AM NOT A-" and just then he was cut off as once again a white light flashed before their eyes. When the Nords opened them the Dragonborn's horse stood before them, nickering in discontent and pawing at the ground.
When Ethan came to he found himself on a hard floor. With a groan he opened his eyes, seeing a face smiling down at him. The campus security guard laughed. "Having a nice nap, kid?"
Ethan mumbled incoherently as he sat up. "What happened?"
"No idea, I just walked in and found you on the ground," the guard explained. "I was about to call for help, but it looks like you're fine. Are you fine?"
Ethan rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, I think. "
"Good," the guard said cheerfully.
Ethan stood, brushing himself off with whatever ounce of dignity he had left. The guard laughed at him one more time and sauntered off. Ethan had no idea what just happened, if he was really there or if it was a dream. As he sat down he cursed when he realized, "Someone stole my Sprite."
A/N: I took some creative permits with Wabbajack's abilities.
Thanks for reading. If you're interested please check out my other fics, mainly "The Divine Champion" because, you know, shameless plugging.