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  #1    
Old January 19th, 2013, 01:43 AM
djonthe1st!
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Gender: Male
[Intro]
My name is Shade Isley, and I will become the ultimate Pokemon Trainer... At 16 years old, I stand at 5'7 with smokey-grey hair and dark green eyes. I hail from Mahogany town, things haven't been the same since Pryce died. Ever since then, an ominous winter has shrouded our town lovely town. Is this what lies in the wake of the Three Shadows? Maybe I'll make it, maybe I won't. All I know is... THIS is MY Story

Chapter 1
[Departure]

December 13, Calm Era
- Mid Afternoon

A shadowy figure peered over the cliff. The chill of the coming winter established itself harshly into the valley where the town resided. If anyone had stood down below all they could see atop that cliff was a tattered gray cloak flowing in the snowy winter wind. Beneath the cloak the figure wore a black muscle shirt, arms were wrapped in gauze from the fingertips up to just beneath the shoulder. A navy Blue sash wrapped the waist , held safe by a bronze clip-like buckle on the left hip of the person. Complete with black baggy pants, thick white long socks, and blue boots, the figure was none other than the young Shade Isley, returning from his three day hike into the Ice Path. It was very clear that he was tired, but he wore a proud grin on his face nonetheless. In an instant the figure descended from the clifftop head first, no rope, no climbing, simply falling.

It was a dangerous move, but Shade was no stranger to confidence. His right hand appeared from beneath his cloak, a somewhat worn red pokeball in hand he called out his partner, "Come. Xiz!".The ball flashed with life, a white light cut through the the air as it began taking a small human-like form. The creatures now solidified white claws raked the air below it, slowing it's decent. The Sneasel brimmed with the same confidence exhibited by it's trainer despite the growing threat of their descent. "Use Icy Wind, just the way we practiced." The feline-like Pokemon touched its claws to its mouth before flailing open again, releasing a powerful blue vortex towards the ground beneath them. The vortex pushed the snow from the ground outward and upward toward the sky with great speed, sending a warmer(but arguably cold) wall of air upwards toward the trainer and pokemon. Their fall slowed drastically, allowing both to land on the ground, feet first safely. The ground, once bare, was now surrounded by a thin circle of ice.

Shade kneeled down to Xiz, his hand on his shoulder , "Great Job Buddy" he exclaimed. "You've gotten pretty powerful during these three days, I'm proud of you". Xiz replied cheerfully as he stroked the long feather on his right ear "Sneasel ,Snee!". He stood up again, and looked down the road ahead, focused and unwavering. We're one step closer to becoming the Fourth Shadow, the shadow strong enough to eclipse even the likes of the previous three. Without a word he began his march toward home. Xiz followed mirroring the objectivity of his trainer. The road lasted for nearly an hour but to them it felt as nothing but a stone's throw away.

Chapter 2
[Last Minute Tips]
December 13, Calm Era
- Late Afternoon

"I see them!"
"Thank Goodness!"
"They don't look that bad."
"I wanna be just like him!"
"Get his mother!"
Familiar voices filled the air, the crowd's mutterings filled the air. The blizzards that had swept the area recently had calmed down, as if to greet only the worthiest of Trainers. Shade's march had come to an end, he'd returned home alive and well. His mother ran through the crowd a bright orange cloth folded in her arms, she called to him, "Shade! Shade!" Shade, jogged, Xiz hopped and skipped in his footsteps. His mother hugged her son tightly, with Xiz atop his head. "I was so worried about you! You're too young for the Trial", she cried. Shade smiled lightly and patted her shoulders.

"Officially you kept me from it for two years, can't exactly say I'm too young", he gingerly replied. She pulled back and stared him hard in the eyes, "I should have held you back another two years, you didn't even bother to call me on your Pokegear. I didn't know if I'd packed you enough sandwiches, did you eat all of your soup? You better not have poured all the vegetables all over the ground, you hear me young man?" she retorted. He could only laugh, this woman was his mother after all, and she always cared. "Yeah, I actually ate everything, except the potatoes, you know I hate those" he replied nervously, scratching his head. She kissed him on the cheek, well, I made this for you to replace your old cloak, handing him the orange cloth. "It's design is based off a newly imported pokemon from the Hoenn region, Snugunt or snorgunk -er something like that" she added.

He handed her the old cloak, and dressed himself in his new Snorunt cloak, it was a perfect fit as always, slim, with a little growing room. He looked to Xiz, who'd hopped atop his mother's shoulder, "How's it look Xiz?" Xiz looked at him and smirked "Snee snee, Snee snee!" , Mom was cheerful, "I think he likes it." Shade nodded, he'd barely noticed that his fellow citizens had approached, the first of which was Gym Leader Roy his old mentor. He extended his hand, though hesitant, Shade did so too, clasping Roy's. "Congratulations Shade, you are officially a Trainer of Mahogany Town" Roy said. He handed his a small data card, "insert it into your Pokegear, it will take your personal information stored in the device, and serve as your official trainer card. When do you leave for Izagi Town?" Shade knew his answer, sure as the soon-to-be setting sun, he exclaimed, "in one hour!" "Snee Snee! Sneeeeee!" echoed Xiz. Mom was shocked, but she quickly planted her eyes into the ground, "well, I knew this day would come, I made you enough lunches for ten days, all of them are waiting for you." Shade, looked at her, he knew it was hard for her, he gently kissed her forehead, "Thank you Mom. I'll be sure to call you every evening."

He started walking toward his house, taking the compliments of his fellow citizens as he neared the end he was stopped by a small elderly man. "Wait, a second young champ, you'll need to get through Mount Mortar in order to arrive at Izagi Town" he said. Shade flinched and grabbed the back of his head, "ah, you're right about that," he smiled nervously. The man nodded triumphantly, " Xiz is strong indeed, but Mount Mortar is a bit of a Trek, you're bound to run into many wild pokemon, some Xiz may not be able to defeat if he becomes fatigued, so please take these", the old man handed Shade five pokeballs. Shade stared at them as he took them into his hand, he wasn't sure of what to say. It had dawned on him again that he was leaving, that tonight marked the first steps of his journey, he opened his mouth to reply only to meet the man's waving hand. "No thanks are necessary, it is customary for a trainer to be given five of those when they start their journey, it's one of the few things every town in Johto shares when it comes to our trainers." Shade could only nod, he continued his walk to his home, still staring at the shiny red and white orbs in his hands.

Just as he'd said, his hour passed and he left his home, his cold, beautiful Mahogany Town. The farewell from his mother was emotional, from his mentor, inspirational, and from the town, it was in itself frightening.
_______
Shade's 1st Custom Trainer Card

Last edited by djonthe1st!; April 25th, 2013 at 10:34 PM. Reason: Grammar updates compliments of: Mod Astinus
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  #2    
Old January 30th, 2013, 10:19 PM
djonthe1st!
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Chapter has just been Updated ! Please Keep reading! Feedback would be appreciated ^.^
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  #3    
Old February 10th, 2013, 05:05 PM
djonthe1st!
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Chapter 3
[The Expected Unexpected]

December 13, Calm Era
- Night time

The orange cloak moved with the coming of Eastern winds, winds that blew in the direction of Izagi Town and the much further Ecruteak City. Compared with the harsh gales of Mahogany Town, it were nothing but a breeze. A Sneasel stared into the gaping darkness ahead of both itself and its trainer. The first true milestone, the famed Mount Mortar, the legendary Master Kiyo had once trained here, defeated by at least two of the Three Shadows years ago. Shade smirked and reassured himself there's no need to focus on the past, only the now, and only the future. Both Shade and Xiz moved into Mount Mortar's cave.

Tik! Tik! Tik! the claws of Xiz's feet scraped the ground beneath them as he hopped along. A Zubat here, a Zubat there, none were a match for Xiz, they were still persistent. Thirty minutes in however, the two stopped to set up camp. Xiz sat down as Shade sparked up some old, half-dried Tangela vines. It was more for the heat than the light, over the years lanterns were situated throughout the cave, powered by a heat-based battery and Fire Stone as not to disturb the Zubat population too much by using Thunder Stones. The flames crackled lowly, not a Zubat in the cave felt the moderate disturbance, but something did. And it was far less annoying but, far more formidable than anything found hanging from the ceiling of the cave.

Pat. Pat. Pat. Hushed footsteps traveled through the caveout of ear shot of even Xiz. The culprit was eager, hungry for battle. It picked up its pace just slightly, its victims were just over the boulder ahead of it, the crackle of the fire drew it nearer and nearer. It swung a grayish-blue arm, it's hand sliced through the boulder, it's upper half crumbling in the air, the culprit jumped through as though it were no more than morning mist. "MAAAAAAA-CHOP!" the culprit howled as it flew toward the now-aware-Sneasel. Xiz and Shade flinched, changing their focus toward their attacker. An arm swung for Xiz's head, but his instincts kicked in, he'd leaned back, catching his attacker by the ribs with its feet. The Machop was caught by surprise, Shade stammered to his feet as a powerful kick sent the Machop soaring through the air, safely above the campfire. "Maa-chop!" it cried as it flipped through the air, then landing on its feet. Shade smirked, "I think we got ourselves a challenger." Xiz nodded as he recomposed himself, facing the Machop head-on.

"This is so random, if it were a chapter in a PokeVenture comic I'd go so far as to say it was badly written", Shade remarked. Xiz chuckled lightly, "Snee, Snee, Sneee." The Machop returned to its feet, "Maaa!" it cried again, in a split second it bounded passed the fire and straight toward Xiz. Blue energy engulfed the Machop's hands, electric-like energy flowed off of them as it swung its right arm at Xiz's head. The Sneasel back-stepped, tilting its head out of reach, another chop was executed, missing again, making the Double Chop ineffective. Xiz smirked, brimming with confidence, Shade was ecstatic. "Get some room and use Fury Swipes!" he ordered. Xiz acknowledged, "Snee." The feline-esc pokemon performed a quick back-flip which forced the Machop to stagger backwards as to avoid those clawed toes.

The Sneasel crouched low, arms extended at its sides, claws ready for use, he pounced. A left arm swung, the Machop moved its head instinctively, a single sharp claw grazed it nonetheless, a right claw followed suit, meeting both a rib and a chest muscle, the Machop adapted, it improved its pace near the peak of the assault, swing-miss, miss, miss, it narrowly evaded the continued onslaught. "Chooppp!" it grunted confidently. Shade was impressed, "Good going Xiz, follow up with Faint Attack!" Xiz back-flipped again, it moved forward using its fore-claws, swinging its feet in hopes of clipping its adversary's chin -but to no avail, Machop was still too wise for that. Xiz, stuck low to the ground, and sprinted, dragging both claws across the stone of the cave. "Sneeeeeeeeeeeee!" it screeched. In no time his claw had reached the face of the Machop, faster than it could guard. Machop braced itself for impact, but the impact never came, Xiz had dissappeared.

The Machop was confused it looked around frantically, the Sneasel was nowhere in sight. Shwooooo! a dark purple two-clawed arm materialized out of nothingness, striking the Machop square in the back. "Maaa!!" it cried as it stumbled forward. Xiz appeared behind it, a triumphant smirk across its face. "Don't count yourself too lucky Machop", Shade remarked smugly. The Machop glared behind it - at Shade, then ahead at Xiz, there appeared to be no shortage of pride between the three of them. This is where the battle really began.
_______
Shade's 1st Custom Trainer Card

Last edited by djonthe1st!; February 11th, 2013 at 03:28 PM.
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  #4    
Old April 24th, 2013, 08:48 PM
djonthe1st!
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Chapter 4
[Stronger than Iron]

December 13, Calm Era
- Night time

"Snee, Sni, Sneeee" Xiz laughed triumphantly. The Machop did not share in his humor, its body lurched forward,it crossed its right arm across its chest and left shoulder, fingers straight as possible. Xiz had been in the midst of blinking at this instant, so he made no effort to avoid his attacker. "Xiz, incoming!" Shade barked. Machop unleashed a stunning Karate Chop across Xiz's chest, forcing him back with its pure power. Xiz took to one knee, holding himself in shock he let out a pained "Snee... Snee" before returning to his feet. Machop pulled both arms to its sides, hands closed, knees bent, a small ring of air circulated around its body, red and yellow sparks occasionally flashed around it. Shade called to Xiz again, "Don't underestimate him! He's using Focus Energy so be on your toes!" Xiz nodded, his grin changed into a grimace. The Machop charged again, with its arm crossed again ready for another destructive Karate Chop.

"Xiz, Icy Wind! Slim!" Shade commanded. Xiz grunted as he touched his claws to his mouth and expelled a chilling gust of blue wind, the stream narrowed from the width of a couch to that of an oil drum. The attack was more potent this way, Machop was already invested in its attack so it had no choice but to endure the cold. The blast pained it, but it marched through, slowing as it chilled to the core with every step. Slower, and slower until it stopped moving to shake itself vigorously, "Mrrrrr" it growled. Now was their chance, "Good, now use Screech!" Shade called. Xiz twitched his nose before taking a large gulp of air, "SHHHHRRRRNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" he screamed as a very narrow blue ring of energy from his mouth. It rippled the air as it struck the Machop, knocking it back a step in the process. Machop's knees buckled and its hands moved to cover its ears, it cried out in pain "Maaaa!" Shade smirked triumphantly ,"You know the deal Xiz!" the Sneasel rubbed its claws together triumphantly as he bent his knees. In a split second Xiz's arms swung outwards, claws curved inward, its legs pushed off with great force, launching him straight for the opponent. The first claw swung, striking the Machop across its face, causing it to drop its hand. The second blow came and CLAP! Machop stopped the onslaught by grabbing Xiz's wrist.

The wild Machop flung Xiz over Shade's head. Xiz barely snagged the hood of Shade's Snorunt Cloak. He planted his clawed feet carefully into his trainer's back before hopping onto his shoulder. The Machop was getting pumped, it extended it's right palm forward facing Shade and Xiz, while tucking it's left arm beneath it's, it's hand held tightly in a fist. "Maa... Choop," it breathed calmly. Shade turned his head slightly to his Partner, "look Xyz I know you're getting low on stamina, you'll have to be extra careful from here on out." Xiz nodded and hopped forward off of Shade's shoulder. Shade didn't grin this time, his eyes were focused, he admired Machop's fortitude for a second, "I see. Shade, lets try Icy Wind - Mist." Xiz touched his claw's to his mouth before expelling a large cloud of cold slow moving mist. Blue particles glittered throughout the cloud as it came to snatch the vision of the combatants. Machop stared firmly into the cloud, unbending, proud, calculating. "Faint Attack now!" Shade shouted. Machop flinched in anticipation, mist pushed quickly passed its feet sending shivers up Machop's spine, an arm of purple energy materialized again striking Machop in its back again, forcing it to stumble forward.

Xiz materialized behind his opponent, Machop was ready. Its arms caught the ground as it lunged forward, it moved it spun around, swinging it's right leg low to the ground, catching Xiz off-guard and causing him to face-plant. Having spun 180 degrees the Machop faced Xiz, both hands glowed bright blue, the right arm lifted in the air for the first strike of its Dual Chop. Xiz rolled over in haste, the attack shattered the a piece of the cave floor, the second was released -aimed at the side of Xiz's head. Xiz crossed his arms above its head, catching the chop between his claws. He tugged, forcing Machop stumbling forward, his legs wrapped around the Machop's legs. Xiz opened his mouth, unleashing another powerful screech. the wild Machop shook violently in anguish, knocking Xiz loose. It stumbled back.

Shade hopped through the dissipating mist and commanded his partner, "now's our chance, finish up with Fury Swipes!" The Sneasel stood on his feet and launched itself forward, claws at the ready!
_______
Shade's 1st Custom Trainer Card
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  #5    
Old April 25th, 2013, 09:01 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Hey there! I saw that you haven't received any reviews yet, so I decided to drop by and check your story out. I only had time right now to read the first two chapters, but I figured that would be enough to make some comments on

There's not much on the actual story I can comment on. Shade seems like a hardcore character, taking plunges off cliffs with only a Sneasel to help him. That's really all to say about him in the first two chapters, since I'm not sure what the Shadows are and why he wants to join them (and why his mother is against him joining). I know you gave a physical description of Shade, but when it's listed like that, it's hard to keep in mind while reading everything else. A way to improve that is to include the description in the narration, like "Shade adjusted his orange cloak" or something like that.

Another thing I noticed was that there were quite a few grammar mistakes. Some are misses in punctuation or words, while others are sentences put together oddly. Like this one:
Quote:
He was tired-clearly but a large grin had been worn proudly on his face.
I'm not sure why there's a hyphen between "tired" and "clearly", for one thing. But this is an oddly worded sentence. To me, it sounds better as
Quote:
He was clearly tired, but he wore a proud grin on his face.
That just reads better to me. There are other sentences like that. I'll point out a few, and how I would reword them.

Quote:
Its arms , claws touching it's feline-ish mouth before flailing open again releasing a powerful blue vortex at the ground beneath them.
"The feline-like Pokemon touched its claws to its mouth before flailing open again, releasing a[...]"

Quote:
The ground now bare was now surrounded by a circle of thin ice.
"The ground, once bare, was now surrounded by a circle of thin ice."

One last piece of advice I can give is to create a new paragraph when someone new talks. Their dialogue should be separated from each others. Like
Quote:
He looked to Xiz, who'd hopped atop his mother's shoulder. "How's it look Xiz?"

Xiz looked at him and smirked "Snee snee, Snee snee!"

Mom was cheerful. "I think he likes it."

Shade nodded, he'd barely noticed that his fellow citizens had approached, the first of which was Gym Leader Roy his old mentor. He extended his hand, though hesitant, Shade did so too, clasping Roy's.

"Congratulations Shade, you are officially a Trainer of Mahogany Town" Roy said. He handed his a small data card, "insert it into your Pokegear, it will take your personal information stored in the device, and serve as your official trainer card. When do you leave for Izagi Town?"

Shade knew his answer, sure as the soon-to-be setting sun, he exclaimed, "in one hour!"

"Snee Snee! Sneeeeee!" echoed Xiz.

Mom was shocked, but she quickly planted her eyes into the ground, "well, I knew this day would come, I made you enough lunches for ten days, all of them are waiting for you."

Shade, looked at her, he knew it was hard for her, he gently kissed her forehead, "Thank you Mom. I'll be sure to call you every evening."
Just like that. It's easier to read that way.

If you need some more help with the grammar and technical side of things, just let me know. I'll even look over your chapters before you post them and give you some advice to make them easier for readers to understand. That way, they won't miss out on your story just because of a few sentences.

Also, if you like, I can read through the rest of your chapters and help you edit those. That way, I can also read more of Shade's story and find out who the Three Shadows are! Keep writing!
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  #6    
Old April 25th, 2013, 09:26 PM
djonthe1st!
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Thanks a lot ^.^ I will be making the proper adjustments
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