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  #1    
Old March 13th, 2013, 05:25 PM
Peachfig's Avatar
Peachfig
Shiny Charmander
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: A cave full of Charmander's, Charmeleon's and Charizard's
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Intro:
A rainy day in Kanto. There was this little town called Pallet Town. I'm sure you've heard of it! And the adventures of this boy called 'Red' and his rival 'Blue'. They lived across from each other, and the Professor of the Town, Professor Oak. But do you know of the other version of the story, the story about the Charmander? No? Then here it is.

Chapter 1: Sadness
Red looked out of his window looking up at the rain. He sighed and turned around to go down stairs and talk to his mother. "Right. All boys leave home someday. It said so on TV. Prof.Oak, next door, is looking for you!" Red smiled at his mother, grabbing the umbrella. Red walked out and looked up at the rain during putting up his umbrella. He walked to Oak's lab. Suddenly BASH! "Oops, hehe, that was an accident hehe... I see we're both in a hurry to get to my grandfathers place, huh? Well, gotta rush!" He said, running to the lab.

Red got up, brushing off the dirt off his jumper. Red knocked on the lab door. "Come.... Come in" Red walked in to see Blue crying, staring at two dead Charmanders on the floor. "I didn't even know Poke... Pokemon could die!" Oak hugged Blue. Red ran up to comfort Blue. Blue looked at Red with a tiny smile. "Tha... Thanks Re... Red" Red stared at the corps of the two Charmanders. "Well... We can't leave these two here.... The only thing is.... Where's there child?"

They all heard a tapping noise, like something tiny was running. They all turned to see the door closing. Oak then ran outside to see a baby Charmander running away. "Come back! We can look after you!" The Charmander ran some rocks twists and turns jumping over Rattata's, jumping off Pidgeotto's. Running for his life. Without stopping, running, running like no Pokemon ever has. He will never unsee what he just saw. In front of him. Right there.

His face was a dull blue color. His eyes where full of Depression. He stopped. He put his paws over his eyes. He cried for a little while. He felt a paw pat his back. He looked back to see a friendly Abra. "Abraaa" The Charmander looked at the Abra. Charmander had a suddenly had a wave of hope. "Char...." he muttered "Char char char!" "Abra" The Charmander told his story to the Abra. "Abra?" "Char.... CHAR!" The Abra said "Lets leave this place. Lets go far from here. Far from the sadness. And go to adventures. Together. As friends!" The Charmander agree'd. So then. There adventure started.

Chapter 2: Hope

The sun set, the Moon rose. Abra found a cave. They thought "Lets stay here for the night" And that's what they did.
Abra wen't to get fire wood while Charmander stood guard. Abra came back not long with wood. He layed the wood down in a clean fashion. The Charmander then set the wood on fire. They kept there self warm around the fire.

The Charmander wen't to cuddle up against Abra. They soon fell asleep. "Cubone Cubone!" They opened there eyes to see a Cubone staring at them. "Cubone?" "Abra!" The Cubone hit the bone on the Abra's head "Abra!?" Charmander used Ember on the Cubone! Cubone fainted. "Cuuubone....." Abra and Charmander left to continue there journey in Kanto.

----------------------------------------------------End of part 1---------------------------------------------------------------
Come back for new content! I might updated day to day! I know I will add more tomorrow. So check back soon!
------------------------------------------Please respond back your thoughts------------------------------------------------
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Last edited by Peachfig; March 13th, 2013 at 06:12 PM.
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  #2    
Old March 15th, 2013, 01:37 AM
adventure's Avatar
adventure
in mega we believe
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: 瑞典
Gender: Female
Nature: Naive
Cute story. I'd prefer a bit more detail to the writing though :3 I'm not going to correct spelling or detailed grammar here, only point out other things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachfig View Post
Intro:
A rainy day in Kanto. There was this little town called Pallet Town. I'm sure you've heard of it! And the adventures of this boy called 'Red' and his rival 'Blue'. They lived across from each other, and the Professor of the Town, Professor Oak. But do you know of the other version of the story, the story about the Charmander? No? Then here it is.
This sounds like some text you could put in a signature to advertise your story. Maybe it's not necessary to point out that it's the "intro" in this thread?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachfig View Post
Chapter 1: Sadness
Red looked out of his window looking up at the rain. He sighed and turned around to go down stairs and talk to his mother. "Right. All boys leave home someday. It said so on TV. Prof.Oak, next door, is looking for you!" Red smiled at his mother, grabbing the umbrella. Red walked out and looked up at the rain during putting up his umbrella. He walked to Oak's lab. Suddenly BASH! "Oops, hehe, that was an accident hehe... I see we're both in a hurry to get to my grandfathers place, huh? Well, gotta rush!" He said, running to the lab.
Text gets more pleasant to read if you start dialogue on a new line.
Also, "Suddenly BASH!"... what? What just happened? Is Red talking and in that case, who is he referring to when he says "both"? You should be careful not to omit important things from the text; if you see the story unfold inside your head, be sure to get it all down in text and not just parts of it! :3

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachfig View Post
Red got up, brushing off the dirt off his jumper. Red knocked on the lab door. "Come.... Come in" Red walked in to see Blue crying, staring at two dead Charmanders on the floor. "I didn't even know Poke... Pokemon could die!" Oak hugged Blue. Red ran up to comfort Blue. Blue looked at Red with a tiny smile. "Tha... Thanks Re... Red" Red stared at the corps of the two Charmanders. "Well... We can't leave these two here.... The only thing is.... Where's there child?"
There's no need to put "Red" in the beginning of every sentence, is there? The sentences sound short and stubby here. Use pronouns a bit more often, and sometimes link sentences together with "and" instead of making several. Makes for a smoother read :3

Also, are they just accepting that two dead Charmanders are laying on the floor all of a sudden? Where did they come from and why did they die? Is this normal in this world or is this something they should really be freaked out about? Think about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachfig View Post
They all heard a tapping noise, like something tiny was running. They all turned to see the door closing. Oak then ran outside to see a baby Charmander running away. "Come back! We can look after you!" The Charmander ran some rocks twists and turns jumping over Rattata's, jumping off Pidgeotto's. Running for his life. Without stopping, running, running like no Pokemon ever has. He will never unsee what he just saw. In front of him. Right there.
I like this part, emotional and colorful. Maybe a bit fun that he's running over Rattatas and Pidgeottos though xD Like they're just laying there and not moving away when a Charmander runs towards them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachfig View Post
His face was a dull blue color. His eyes where full of Depression. He stopped. He put his paws over his eyes. He cried for a little while. He felt a paw pat his back. He looked back to see a friendly Abra. "Abraaa" The Charmander looked at the Abra. Charmander had a suddenly had a wave of hope. "Char...." he muttered "Char char char!" "Abra" The Charmander told his story to the Abra. "Abra?" "Char.... CHAR!" The Abra said "Lets leave this place. Lets go far from here. Far from the sadness. And go to adventures. Together. As friends!" The Charmander agree'd. So then. There adventure started.
Who said what? This would be less confusing if you began each part of dialogue on a new line.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Peachfig View Post
Chapter 2: Hope

The sun set, the Moon rose. Abra found a cave. They thought "Lets stay here for the night" And that's what they did.
Abra wen't to get fire wood while Charmander stood guard. Abra came back not long with wood. He layed the wood down in a clean fashion. The Charmander then set the wood on fire. They kept there self warm around the fire.

The Charmander wen't to cuddle up against Abra. They soon fell asleep. "Cubone Cubone!" They opened there eyes to see a Cubone staring at them. "Cubone?" "Abra!" The Cubone hit the bone on the Abra's head "Abra!?" Charmander used Ember on the Cubone! Cubone fainted. "Cuuubone....." Abra and Charmander left to continue there journey in Kanto.
Nice beginning but what happened when the Cubone came? It just hit Abra and Charmander blew fire on it so that it fainted? More details and reason for actions could make this chapter less constricted and more interesting. :3



All in all, an interesting start! Maybe think about the things I said here when writing the next chapter! Mostly, don't forget to write things that are important for someone who reads and doesn't see the story inside their head like you do. :3
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  #3    
Old March 17th, 2013, 02:24 PM
Peachfig's Avatar
Peachfig
Shiny Charmander
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: A cave full of Charmander's, Charmeleon's and Charizard's
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red's Hawt Chibi Pelippers View Post
Also, are they just accepting that two dead Charmanders are laying on the floor all of a sudden? Where did they come from and why did they die? Is this normal in this world or is this something they should really be freaked out about? Think about it.
Blue was freaked out, he was crying over there dead bodys. Also the Charmanders where dead because a Pokemon broke in, should have put that in there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red's Hawt Chibi Pelippers View Post
Nice beginning but what happened when the Cubone came? It just hit Abra and Charmander blew fire on it so that it fainted? More details and reason for actions could make this chapter less constricted and more interesting. :3
The Charmander was defending his new friend.
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