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Old April 28th, 2013 (09:31 PM).
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trotz59 trotz59 is offline
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This was my first Pokemon Fanfiction ever, I intend to finish it soon, I would appreciate constructive criticism, I know it's bit rough and short but I'm still working on it. It's currently somewhat mary-sue, but I hopefully can change that.


Evalution Quest
Chapter 1. Commence


"Battle Commence!" they both shouted.
Katet took out a Poké ball and pressed the button to enlarge it, "Go Meome," he called out as he threw the ball. It opened above the ground in front of him and let out a white light, before returning back to his hand. The white light morphed into a figure of a cat that stood on it's hind legs; which formed into a Meowth.
Roy threw out his Poké ball too. This time when the light came out, it shaped into a snake-like figure with strange ears. When the white light faded, a Dratini formed in front of him. Roy looked questioningly at the Pokémon, as if he wasn't familiar with it. Katet smirked at him, "Haha. So I'm guessing you borrowed this one from professor Xavier's storage…?"
Roy blinked at Katet in surprise, "H-how do you know that?" he asked looking very weak.
"Because he is the only professor with dragon-type Pokémon; and it's obviously not YOUR OWN because you have NO Pokémon," Katet said in disgust, "Enough talking, on with the battle. Meome use slash."
Meome ran toward the Dratini, claws glowing white. Meome slashed at the Dratini, whom fell back with a squeal.
Roy's face perfectly expressed his fright, as well as his voice did as he said, "Dratini, u-use twister."
The snake-like dragon got itself up and spun in a circle. After a few moments and large tornado swirled around him and headed toward Meome.
"Dodge it Meome, and use fury swipes," Meome zigzagged in front of and behind the tornado for a while, until it faded, then she jumped out at Dratini and clawed at it relentlessly, with a "mrowww" battle cry.
"Use iron tail Dratini," Roy called, looking as though he would cry, as he saw the hurt dragon-Pokémon in front of him. Dratini's tail shined and it tried to attack, but Meome was too fast and avoided it with ease.
"Now Meome," Katet smirked evilly, "use thunderbolt."
"What!?" Roy cried in surprise as Dratini was struck with a giant bolt of thunder. "Dra-drati-" Dratini said as it fainted.
Roy took out his Poké ball again, "Return," he said, as a red light came from the button of the Poké ball and transformed Dratini into the light; which returned back to the ball. Roy fell to his knees, as his Poké ball reverted to it's smaller size.

"You don't deserve to go to school here," said Katet to his opponent, as he returned his Pokémon to it's Poké ball. Why is he so mean to me all the time? Roy thought to himself; feeling shivers down his spine as the brownish-blonde haired boy (whom covered most of his hair with a rainbow knitted hat), walked closer to him. Roy quivered in fear, looking up from the dirt-floor that he laid on, and locked his sparkly grey eyes with the solid brown ones that peered down at him in superiority. "You're just a pathetic little weakling. You don't even have Pokémon of your own," Katet mocked the frightened little boy, "You have to borrow teachers' Pokemon to battle. You get terrible grades. You don't understand type-match ups at all! You aren't going to accomplish anything, so you might as well give it up. You can't be a trainer, a coordinator, a professor, a breeder…you can't be anything!" he laughed as he saw Roy's eyes begin to well with tears.
"Sh-shut up!" Roy looked down at his jeans and held himself in a ball as he cried. "Please just leave me alone! If you really think I'll never accomplish anything, then why don't you go and challenge people that will actually help you to become stronger? Why do you even talk to me, if you hate me so much?"
Katet stopped laughing and stared down at Roy. As the sound of his boyish cries, filling the emptiness of the battle dome they stood in; Katet easily resisted the familiar urge to comfort the boy. Katet looked him over, as he did quite often.
Roy had amazing short dark blue hair, that naturally stood spiked out in the front. He wore a grey t-shirt that matched his perfect eyes. His light blue jeans were held up by a Poké ball belt, decorated with empty and borrowed Poké balls on it. He was adorably short for his age. He was twelve years old and still only four foot six. He was just a little bit more than a year younger than Katet, whom would turn fourteen in a few months from now. His skin was white, and looked pale as a ghost; as it often did when he was scared. Because I must make you leave before it's too late, and you've been sucked into the evilness at this school. For your own safety, as well as my sanity…. Katet thought sadly about what needed to be done.
It hurt him too, as he broke Roy's spirit, "Because you are a parasite, whom drains the skill and happiness out of all those around you. You need to just leave already. No one wants you here! Don't you understand!? You'll never live up to the reputation of your older brother, Gary, or your grandfather, Professor Oak. You'll never even get a Pokémon of your own. They will all be too disgusted and afraid of you, to be your partner."
Roy felt terror and sadness fully engulf him, unable to bare another one of Katet's harassment, "JUST SH-UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!" He stood up before Katet could respond, and ran into the forest, in the opposite direction of the school.
"Wait Roy!" Katet called out, gritting his teeth. Crap, I couldn't let Roy stay here and get involved with…them. But at the same time I can't just let him go running off with nothing but a fainted pokemon to protect him. He was suppose to just sit here and cry until I left, and then resign from the school. …What should I do?
It only took Katet a few seconds, before he made up his mind, and found himself running through the woods.

Tears trickled down Roy's face as he hurried through the dense forest, avoiding large trees and shrubs, as well as a variety of pokémon that were in his way. He didn't know where he was going, he just knew he had to get away from it all. Away from Katet, his failures, the teachers, the school, his family's name…. He couldn't handle any of it anymore.
Katet's words rang in Roy's head, "No one wants you here!". Roy finally came to a stop when he reached a clearing in the forest, which was just a small plain of grass. Roy screamed out, bending his knees and falling forward into the soft grassy floor, as he cried out in frustration. He couldn't bring himself to get up; the action required too much motivation and energy for him to complete.
"Ugh…" Roy groaned as he rolled over onto his back and stared up at the clear blue sky, "Maybe if I just stayed here and died, no one would have to be disappointed by me anymore. They'd probably all be relieved to be ridden of such a burden…," Roy complained, feeling the peacefulness of the forest colliding with his stress; bringing his mind to a relaxing yet somewhat irritating blend of lethargy and nostalgia, as he remembered how he use to go on walks with his friend, DeeDee, through these woods. Life was so simple back then…. They used to play with all the Pokémon and have so much fun.
It's still so peaceful here, Roy thought to himself as he moved his head around to look at all the plant life. Roy could see Oddish, Bellsprout, Paras, and other Pokémon surrounding the trees, and playing in the grass. It was springtime, so everything had just begun to bloom. The trees were filled with light green leaves, and pink flower buds that were just beginning to open. The air was warm and gentle, and the humidity made it feel like an invisible blanket. Roy's bright grey eyes slumped dreamily; as he thought of all the fun times he had with the grass Pokémon of the forest.
Grass types were DeeDee's favorite Pokémon; although she would never admit it, because she tries to treat all Pokémon without prejudice. Roy realized that she probably could help him through all this stress…. Later perhaps, Roy thought to himself, I'm too tired to go right now. Roy closed his eyes, and began drifting off to sleep.
Suddenly, Roy's calm peaceful feelings were broken by an extremely loud, feminine voice calling out for help. In an instant Roy was on his feet; looking around in every direction, with a sudden burst of energy that came partially from surprise and partially from Roy's conscience.
"Help me, help me!!!" the girl (Roy assumed from the way the voice sounded) cried. Roy tried listening in on which direction the voice was coming from, but through the trees, it seemed to come from everywhere.
"Hello?" Roy shouted, "Are you okay? Where are you!?"
As the voice continued to cry out, Roy grew desperate. He began listening through every opening between the trees, to hear if that's where it was coming from; but they all sounded the same. Roy was about to give up hope, when all of a sudden, Roy heard a crackling noise, and looked up to see a bolt of electricity striking down, a little ways farther into the forest, in the opposite direction of which he came. That must have been an electric-type attack, Roy thought to himself as, all the Pokémon stopped their playing, and vanished off into the forest looking for someplace safe from the scary noise. Roy however raced towards the direction of the lightning. Typically he wouldn't go running off to dangerous places. But this time he felt he had to go to it. It was like some unknown force was willing his legs to move. Also, he is conscience kept his from worrying so much about his own safety, and rather that of the girl who called out for help. Roy sprinted faster as he came to the sudden realization that he no longer heard the girl crying out for help. Only silence….

It wasn't long before Roy came to a change in scenery. Smoke rose from the barren trees that lied ahead of him. As he walked into the devastating clearing that the lightning had created; he gasped in shock. Burnt tree bits and shattered trunks were scattered all around. Debris was piled up everywhere, with ashes spread throughout the air. HOLY CRAP! That electric attack must have been really strong, Roy thought, as he felt the heat still residing in the wood, as he placed his hand on it.
Roy shook himself back to reality. Now isn't the time to wonder what happened here. I have to find that person first and make sure they're all right. Roy began brushing away ashes and digging through pieces of debris.
It wasn't long before Roy finally saw something other than burnt wood, and reached out to feel it. It was soft and fuzzy, almost like fur. It was brown with some black spots where it had gotten burnt by the lightning. Roy quickly removed the rest of the debris around it to discovered a small dog-like pokémon.
He picked it up and looked at it carefully. It was brown with a white tail tip, and a white fur line around it's neck. It had four small limbs, one of which looked badly injured and seemed to be broken. It's long ears pointed elfishly upward in diagonals. The strange thing about it though, was that it had a sparkly grey bandana/scarf-like around it's neck.
"It's an…Eevee?" Roy was so confused. Eevees were typically rare, especially in this area of Kanto out in the forest. So, what was one doing in the middle of the forest? Where did it get the scarf? What had happened that had induced such high-voltage attacks? Did it get attacked, did it have a trainer? And what happened to the girl that was calling out for help earlier?
He knew that right now wasn't the time to try figuring out what was going on. He had already searched all around there and didn't find any people, and the eevee he was holding needed to be brought to a nurse as soon as possible. So he hurried back to the school infirmary, holding the eevee close to him, to protect it from any other things that may lurk in the forest.
At some point on the way to the school, the eevee opened it's eyes slightly and tried struggling from Roy's grip, but winced in pain at the effort. "It's okay," Roy said gently, "I promise I'm not going to hurt you." The eevee narrowed his eyes at Roy for a moment, staring him down; deciding where it should trust him or not.
Eventually the eevee simply nodded, and returned to it's resting position, where it remained unmoving, all the way until they got to the pokémon infirmary. It was at this point however, when the eevee gave up on struggling, that Roy noticed something for the first time. Three elegant dark brown letters, that shined beautifully in the more dulled grey background of the scarf; were embedded into the back of the scarf. The letters spelled out, E-V-A.
"Eva…I like that name…," Roy managed a small grin for a moment, as he finally reached the infirmary.
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  #2    
Old May 10th, 2013 (12:20 PM).
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dudebot dudebot is offline
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This is a pretty interesting piece with some nice themes. Got a few points I want to touch on. A few things I got while reading the story.

-Nice touch on describing the release of a Pokemon. It's a bit unnecessary, but a unique description.

-I found the involvement of Pokemon in dialogue to be funny. It's kinda weird reading things like "Dra-drati" when it's common knowledge that they say those things.

-One weird bit of continuity: You have the pokemon come out in a white light. When they return, it's in a red light. Not sure if that was intentional or not.

-Paragraphs need a bit of work. Generally, when you change the point of the story, you should break the paragraph up. More so, when you have a new main idea, you usually have a new paragraph. So, when Roy thinks "Why is he so mean to me all the time?", that could actually start a new paragraph. I wouldn't take this one too seriously though as most of us usually ignore this in general storytelling at times.

-Went into infodump mode for a moment right after Roy asked why Katet hated him. In writing, we try to utilize a "show, not tell" format. The best way to do that is to scatter parts of this paragraph into the story. Since I've had my share of infodump moments in the past, I wouldn't consider myself a pro at avoiding them, but one thing you can do is isolate the paragraph. If it's reading like a bio by itself, you're infodumping.

-Rather nice use of italics through this entire story. They've become underrated in stories and are rarely used correctly.

-Whenever you give someone a speaking line, it's better to start that speaking line off on it's own paragraph. Not really criticism, just a suggestion for tidying the way it's structured and making it easier to read.

All in all, I do like the story. I'm particularly fascinated by the different storylines you've inserted to start. You've got the relationship between Katet and Roy. Then, you've got the mysterious attack that caused major mayhem. Finally, there's the damaged Eevee and it's unknown owner. Right there, you've got three things that can be developed as the story goes on, whether or not they end up all intersecting. So, it's definitely a quality story.

Keep up the good work, I wish you luck.
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  #3    
Old May 10th, 2013 (04:12 PM).
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Astinus Astinus is offline
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Quote originally posted by dudebot:
-One weird bit of continuity: You have the pokemon come out in a white light. When they return, it's in a red light. Not sure if that was intentional or not.
That's how it happens in the Pokemon anime. When a Pokeball opens, the Pokemon is released in a white light. When a trainer calls the Pokemon back, the Pokeball sends out a red laser from the button in the middle.

Onto the review, trotz, I have to agree with dudebot that paragraphs are needed. Lines were beginning to run into each other, and I kept doubling back because it was hard to follow what I was reading.

The story is an interesting one. I'm sure the fact of Roy being an Oak will follow him around, with people expecting him to be a strong trainer just because of his name. And I wonder about the evilness of the school that Katet touched up, like what's so evil about the school and why has no one noticed it except for Katet.

Quote:
Roy had amazing short dark blue hair, that naturally stood spiked out in the front. He wore a grey t-shirt that matched his perfect eyes. His light blue jeans were held up by a Poké ball belt, decorated with empty and borrowed Poké balls on it. He was adorably short for his age. He was twelve years old and still only four foot six. He was just a little bit more than a year younger than Katet, whom would turn fourteen in a few months from now. His skin was white, and looked pale as a ghost; as it often did when he was scared.
Quote:
Why is he so mean to me all the time? Roy thought to himself; feeling shivers down his spine as the brownish-blonde haired boy (whom covered most of his hair with a rainbow knitted hat), walked closer to him. Roy quivered in fear, looking up from the dirt-floor that he laid on, and locked his sparkly grey eyes with the solid brown ones that peered down at him in superiority.
These two paragraphs I want to talk about, particularly the first one. Instead of listing off what the characters look like to the reader like this, put the information into the narration at little moments in the story (especially if the character's feature is an important one!) So, for example, instead of just saying that Roy had pale skin when he was scared, perhaps try:
Quote:
Roy's skin paled, whiter than a ghost. Katet smirked as the boy in front of him trembled.
Or something like that.

Still, this is a good story, and I'm looking forward to more, especially to know where Eva came from and what happened to her. Good luck!
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Old May 11th, 2013 (08:19 AM).
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dudebot dudebot is offline
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Quote originally posted by Astinus:
That's how it happens in the Pokemon anime. When a Pokeball opens, the Pokemon is released in a white light. When a trainer calls the Pokemon back, the Pokeball sends out a red laser from the button in the middle.
Was it always like that or have they just started doing it recently?
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Old May 11th, 2013 (02:08 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
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Quote originally posted by dudebot:
Was it always like that or have they just started doing it recently?
Always been like that. I can even remember when Pokemon came out of their Poke Balls the rest of the screen would darken just a tad.
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