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  #1    
Old May 9th, 2013, 06:47 PM
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
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Hey guys. I was the creator of Pokemon: Sound and Silence. Sorry. I didn't like how that one turned out. I came up with more of a stroy for this one. It still takes place in an original region, known as the Torio region. I hope you like it, and enjoy.

Legend: Long ago, a legendary bird had three eggs. One was a gleaming rainbow egg that sparkled. The second was a bright gold egg with a brass metallic look to it and a bright silver streak. The last egg was a plain white egg that faded to a blackish color at the bottom. The rainbow egg hatched on the first day. It grew to be a beautiful, strong bird, that created beautiful sights for people and Pokemon, called lights. The metallic egg hatched on the second day, becoming something that made loud outbursts that grew to become known as sounds. The plain egg hatched on the third day. It became a black bird that became known as the first darkness in the world. It resented sound and light. only hoping for silence and darkness. Nothing at all.

Red Text: Jasper

Puple Text: Violet

Brown Text: Bruno

White Text: Professor Hawthorne

Chapter 1: The Trainer

I looked up at the afternoon sky. It was a bright blue canvas, with wisps of white paint and bright, glowing splotch. "Hey, Jasper," a voice called from a distance. "Guess what happens tomorrow." I tried to think as Violet stood over my face. "What?" I asked with little enthusiasm. "The starters are finally coming tomorrow!" she said with a frustrated tone. Last time they had gotten starters, me, Violet and Bruno had missed the chance. This was a big opportunity. "Will Bruno be there?" I asked. "Of course," she said in a competitive tone. "Just don't be late." "I won't." I couldn't be late. This was my oportunity to be a Trainer. "Good night," I said, runing off, realizing the time was 8:00 P.M. I rushed home to be greeted by my mom. "Hi, Jasper," she said as I rushed into the door. "Hey, Mom," I said looking at my watch. 8:15 P.M. "I gotta skip dinner. Sorry. It's my only opportunity to be a Trainer tomorrow," I said, running up the stairs. I quickly rushed into bed and went to sleep.

The next morning, I looked at the clock. It was 9:00 A.M. I woke up early. I figured I might as well eat breakfast. I wondered if Violet had already gotten her starter. Bruno probably did. I know he did. I hurriedly scooped breakfast into my mouth and ran out the door. There were a few kids outside, holding Pokeballs and chatting about being a trainer. "That's cool," I thought. The lab door was open the next morning. "Hey, Jasper," a cool tone said from a few feet away. "Bruno," I said rushing through the door. There was one Pokeball left, a red one with a little mark indicating it's fire typing underneath. "Hello young Jasper," a man in a white labcoat said. I recognized the man. It was Prof. Hawthorne. He blew a tuft of spiked black hair from the front on his forehead. "You're in luck, only one left." This was an exciting moment. I picked up the pokeball from the little red platform the Pokeball sat on. "Volcazar," I mumbled, thinking of the small red Pokemon now. He was a small red pokemon, with spiky fur that could be easily ignited, but not burned or singed. "Congratulations," the professor said as I walked out the door. "Wait," said a cocky tone outside the door. "I wanna battle you."

Sorry, kinda short, but the next chapter will be longer.

Last edited by KingCepheusIII; May 25th, 2013 at 05:03 AM.
  #2    
Old May 11th, 2013, 09:17 AM
dudebot's Avatar
dudebot
Glowing Yellow
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Great starter story for it's length.

Nothing extraordinary, but it's still solid.

However, it's really hard to read. I see you're trying out this format, but it makes it much harder to imagine the setting. Plus, the colors are fairly distracting and the paragraphs, mainly the dialogue, are too close together.

And it's really hard to read the Professor's lines without having to select.

This dialogue format does have potential, though. Better sentence structure and spacing and I could see it going somewhere.
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  #3    
Old May 11th, 2013, 02:06 PM
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psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
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GRAHGRAHGRAHGRAH I'M BACK FROM OUTER SPACE FLYING THROUGH THE ATMOSPHERE WITH MY REVIEWING HELMET ON

*ahem*

Sorry, but the colored text is just playing hell with my eyes. You shouldn't distinguish speakers by the colors of the text - proper formatting can fix that in a jiffy. Your writing is all jumbled up into large paragraphs and the dialogue bits are all scrunched together like sardines in a can. You shouldn't treat dialogue like sardines; you treat them like wedding cakes. They get their own table and reception and everything. The dialogue should go like this:

Quote:
"Hey, Jasper," a voice called from a distance. "Guess what happens tomorrow."

I tried to think as Violet stood over my face. "What?" I asked with a little enthusiasm."
Separate the dialogue into their own paragraphs with a line in between. It's much easier to read that way and it distinguishes the speakers, so you don't have to mess around with colors anymore.

Quote:
I looked up at the afternoon sky. It was a bright blue canvas, with wisps of white paint and bright, glowing splotch.
A few things with this. One, you shouldn't have a comma before a preposition. Commas separate clauses ("Because Fred was hungry, he went to get a burger") or parenthetical elements ("Johnson, Carol's husband, had a BBQ the other day") or for introductory elements ("Climbing up the mountain, Claire saw two birds and a bear fighting for territory") not prepositions. Another thing is that I'm not sure what you meant by "bright, glowing splotch." I think you're missing an article before it. (The article being "a.") Mechanics aside, I feel like these two sentences would flow better if you put them together into a single sentence, so you would say, "I looked up at the afternoon sky - a bright blue canvas with wisps of white paint and a bright, glowing splotch." The wording could use some changing, but it reads easier for me. Also, you shouldn't use "bright" twice in the same sentence or even in the next sentence. Or maybe even the paragraph.

Quote:
"Hey, Jasper," a voice called from a distance. "Guess what happens tomorrow."
After Jasper, there should be an exclamation point instead of a comma. After tomorrow, there should be a question mark instead of a period.[/quote]

Quote:
I asked with little enthusiasm.
Just checking, but do you mean Jasper has no enthusiasm or do you mean he has enthusiasm but he just doesn't want to show it?

Quote:
Last time they had gotten starters, me, Violet and Bruno had missed the chance.
Who is "they"? And you use "I" when used as a subject, as is the case here. No "me."

Quote:
"The starters are finally coming tomorrow!" she said with a frustrated tone.
Quote:
This was a big opportunity.
Say this in a different way. Make Jasper feel it's a big opportunity. Show the readers, don't tell them. You have to show how such an opportunity makes Jasper feel. The first person narrative allows readers to dive right into a character's mind and see, hear, smell, taste, and think everything that one character does. As a writer, you have to paint readers the picture - don't tell them what you're going to paint. Just do it.

Quote:
"Will Bruno be there?" I asked. "Of course," she said in a competitive tone. "Just don't be late." "I won't."
This is just a prime example as to why you should separate your dialogue into their own individual lines.

Quote:
"Good night," I said, runing off, realizing the time was 8:00 P.M.
Running, not runing. And what's the significance of 8PM? What does that mean for Jasper? A time is only a time. However, readers don't know what 8PM means for Jasper, because you didn't say. Does this make Jasper late for a piano lesson? Is Jasper missing his favorite sitcom? What is the significance of that time? Give the readers a better reason why Jasper is running off.

Quote:
I rushed home to be greeted by my mom. "Hi, Jasper," she said as I rushed into the door. "Hey, Mom," I said looking at my watch. 8:15 P.M. "I gotta skip dinner. Sorry. It's my only opportunity to be a Trainer tomorrow," I said, running up the stairs. I quickly rushed into bed and went to sleep.
This doesn't sound realistic to me. It doesn't sound like a natural conversation between a mother and her son, especially with a son who's going to be a trainer the next morning. I'd imagine Jasper would tell his mother about it and get her permission before he runs off. Unless he plans on running away. In that case, you should mention that too. Either way, I'm not buying this so far.

Quote:
Bruno probably did. I know he did.
What. Know should be knew - keep the verb tense consistent. If you've been using the past tense, keep the past tense.

Quote:
"That's cool," I thought.
His feelings and thoughts are rather... short.

Quote:
The lab door was open the next morning.
You don't need to say "the next morning" since the readers know that it's the next morning already.

Quote:
"Hey, Jasper," a cool tone said from a few feet away.
What's a cool tone? Describe it.

Quote:
There was one Pokeball left, a red one with a little mark indicating it's fire typing underneath.
It's is a preposition for "it is." You want to use "its", as that means ownership or possession.

Quote:
"Hello young Jasper," a man in a white labcoat said. I recognized the man. It was Prof. Hawthorne.
Introduce the man from the very beginning of Professor Hawthorne. Remember, this is first person, so everything you say should make sense given that he's speaking from his own mind. Jasper would not identify him as a man in a white labcoat then recognize him by name. The name comes first.

Quote:
He blew a tuft of spiked black hair from the front on his forehead.
Unnecessary description of the man.

All that aside, I've noticed you lack a lot of descriptions. You simply say, "I felt excited." I mean, sure, Jasper can feel excited, but is that showing how Jasper really feels? There are many types of excitement: Anger, happiness, etc. It can apply to many different situations, and you have to interpret Jasper's complex emotions into words. That's not an easy job, I know, but just saying how Jasper feels leaves out a lot of potential that could make the story far more enticing. Give Jasper personality. Make him a character. You accomplish all of this by giving Jasper complex thoughts and emotions, because, while he may seem like words on a page, he is very real and you want your readers to believe that too. As the main character of your story, Jasper needs to be exploited. Make use of that first person narrative. Show readers how things really are.

Also, I just found most of the interactions between the characters to be awkward. There isn't much transition, and most of the story is dialogue or pointing out objects. I'm hard-pressed to find anything else. I suggest reading a few books so you can get a better feel on prose writing. I felt that most of the sentences were clunky and didn't flow particularly well. Work on making the story seem a little more realistic in terms of the characters and their actions, and remember to utilize the first person narrative for enhanced description and personality.

Otherwise, I can't say much else. This story is obviously only just beginning, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Just give the story some effort, and it will give you the same.
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  #4    
Old May 13th, 2013, 09:46 AM
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
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ok guys. i'll try to stop the colored text, but it's just to get a sense of who the character is. and, thanks for the suggestions psyanic and dudebot. The second chapter is coming later today. I'll try to improve it.
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  #5    
Old May 13th, 2013, 11:07 AM
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
Pictures of starters and trainers later in the week. Possibly next week. Thanks for the suggestions by psyanic and dudebot. I will stop the colored text, I understand, it's destracting. There are some rather awkward interactions. I agree with that. and, if the top suggestion on the poll is offensive, I'm sorry. Also, there are going to be 125 Pokemon in this region. Et cetara, let's get to the story.

Chapter 2: The Battle

Bruno smiled at me. "You ready?" he asked. I smiled and pulled my beanie lower over my head. "Ready," I replied. He pulled the red Pokeball from his pocket. It gleamed in the sunlight. "Go, Mishlink!" he yelled. The Pokeball shot a white light as it hit the ground and a bright blue Pokemon with a muddy tint hit the field. I quickly fumbled for my Pokeball. "Go Volcazar!" I said quickly as he popped out of the Pokeball. "Vol," he said with a growl. "Volcazar, use Tackle!" He flung him self forward and Mishlink moved out of the way, by just a hair's length. A lot of people underestimate the speed of Mishlink. He is, in fact, the fastest, Torio region starter. "Again!" I shouted. Volcazar hit this time, with a force that knocked Mishlink back. He quickly got back up. Now, it was Mishlink's turn. "Use Scratch," Bruno said. Volcazar took the impact and looked down. He was bleeding. This was getting serious.

I looked to the side. There had to be something, to give me an idea. The only thing I saw was Violet, running over to cheer me on. But thean, it came to me on my own. Use Growl, I thought. That'll lower his attack, and he couldn't hurt my Pokemon any more. It was my only chance. "Use Growl," I commanded Volcazar. He instantly understood my plan. Volcazar quickly let out a loud growl. "Mishlink, use Tail Whip," shouted Bruno. He had the same idea I did. He hit Volcazar with his tail, lowering my Pokemon's defenses. I couldn't losse my first Pokemon battle. It was important to me.

Volcazar went for one last Growl after about five or six seemingly unsuccessful tries. "Use Scratch again," yelled Bruno. He hit Volcazar, the same way as before. But, I was wrong, The growling did have some effect on Mishlink's power. The scratch was visibly weaker, as it left no marks or blood behind. My confidence quickly rejuvenated. '"Use Tackle," I said one last time. It hit Mishlink with a loud crash. Mishlink fell backwards. "Mi-Mishlink..," he uddered before he fainted. I actually won. "Whatever," Bruno said, tossing me 350 PokeDollars. He grumbled on about how he had chosen the wrong starter.

Professor Hawthorne walked out of his lab, holding three odd watches. "Hello, Violet and Jasper. The special order PokeWatches I had for you two and Bruno came just a minute ago. Have you seen Bruno?" I shook my head. "No, I'm sorry. He just left," I said with a sigh. He handed me a bright red watch and Violet the dark purple one. "They contain built in Pokedexes, a tool to view your Pokemon team, you can make calls on them, and they have a banking system that transports your money to a personal vault. The contact numbers are seven-digit codes." He handed me the last watch, a brown watch, the color of tree bark. "Give that last one to Bruno then next time you see him," the professor said, rushing back into the lab. I looked to the side after he left. Route 1 lied ahead. I couldn't wait to see what adventures the world had for me later on.
  #6    
Old May 17th, 2013, 04:50 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
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sorry. I just have been coming up with more pokemon
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  #7    
Old May 20th, 2013, 05:19 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
sorry guys. I hope you realize im not posting until you make any comments.
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  #8    
Old May 20th, 2013, 07:30 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Then things might be difficult for you. PC's fanfiction forum is really slow on reviews, and people post entire stories before they get a response. It's also never a good thing to hold your fanfic "hostage" like that for a variety of reasons. It doesn't reflect well on you, and some people might even never review you now to spite you.

I've been meaning to comment on your story for a few days now, mostly to first ask how colored dialogue gives readers a sense of who a character is. I didn't see the colored text when you first posted (I have the option to remove text formatting from posts), but I do agree that it's difficult to read.

As for the chapter itself, it's still kind of difficult to read because you still scrunching the dialogue together. It should be
Quote:
Bruno smiled at me. "You ready?" he asked.

I smiled and pulled my beanie lower over my head. "Ready," I replied.
And actually in those two paragraphs, you can get rid of "he asked" and "I replied" because the reader already can tell who's talking by which character is in the paragraph with the dialogue.

There's another thing I can see that you can improve on: your descriptions of the fakemon. You don't need to describe them to the last detail, but a little more information would be nice. Like Mishlink. All you say about it is that it's blue-brown, has a tail, is fast, and can do a Scratch attack. So is it a frog, fish with legs, or what? Same with Volcazar. Since they're fakemon, you should give a little more description about them so the reader can get some idea of how they look.

Speaking of description there should be some more about how Jasper feels, especially since this story is told in his head. He says that the battle is important to him, but he doesn't really feel it. He doesn't act nervous or determined, like feeling out of breath or nauseous or even his heart beating fast. Think about how you feel when something exciting is happening to you, or you're really not sure you're going to get what you want.

There's still some grammar issues here. Like
Quote:
he uddered before he fainted
"Uddered" should be "uttered."

Quote:
I couldn't losse my first Pokemon battle
"losse" should be "lose."

Take your time writing your chapters. Read them over before you post them to catch mistakes like those two. Work a little on your descriptions and remember to make new paragraphs for changes in dialogue.

Keep writing, and good luck!
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  #9    
Old May 22nd, 2013, 02:46 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
sorry for the typos, i wasn't focusing. But, as promised the pokemon starter drawings are here. I'll post em later today.
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  #10    
Old May 22nd, 2013, 07:36 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
Image links to Trainers:

Jasper: http://www.tektek.org/avatar/53379835
Violet: http://www.tektek.org/avatar/53379949
Bruno: http://www.tektek.org/avatar/53379985
Prof. Hawthorne: http://www.tektek.org/avatar/53380013
Rose: http://www.tektek.org/avatar/53380082

P.S.: Mishlink is called Mishlink for a reason. Mishlink = Missing Link

Also, Kawari is the weird thing that appears when you use the Pokemon move, Substitute

Pamboo: The Bamboo Chute Pokemon
Type: Grass
Height: 1'8"
Weight: 115 lbs
It's likes to use empty bamboo chutes as armor. This pokemon trains countlessly and has
unbelievable defensive quality and has been noted several times for this. In addition to that, it eats unbelievable amounts of food each day. It also takes the place of heaviest starter, due to this.

Volcazar: The Flash Flame Pokemon
Type: Fire
Height: 2'1"
Weight: 25 lbs.
This might be, very easily, one of the fastest starter Pokemon out their. It is even faster than Mishlink. This Pokemon is a rare species, only found on the forests on Canvas Isle. Due to this, it is expensive to go on expedition trips and capture this Pokemon, though the outcome is worth the trip.

Mishlink: The Prehistoric Fish Pokemon
Type: Water
Height: 2'4"
Weight: 30 lbs.
This Pokemon's existence is known to date back to the days of Pokemon such as Kabuto and Omanyte. Though, due to excessive breeding, this Pokemon is plentiful and can be found in certain lakes and rivers around Torio. This Pokemon also survived due to it's attack power and intelligence.

Kawari: The Substitute Pokemon
Type: Normal/Rock
Height: 1"
Weight: 300 lbs.
It is said that because of this Pokemon's high defensive stats, it willingly agrees to take beating for other Pokemon. It is also used for physical training for healing Pokemon in Pokemon Centers, most recently.


Chapter 3: The Girl

"Yes," I yelped after. Prof. Hawthore left. I smiled and started to walk to Route 1, when a hand stopped me. "Wait Jasper," Violet said. I was becoming impatient. "Yes?" She gave me a confused glance. How are you gonna catch a Pokemon without a Pokeball?" she asked. "Also, what about a map, or travel bag or anything?" I felt sudden embarrasment flush over my face. Quickly, I rushed to the store with the 350 that Bruno gave me and 3000 from mom. The store was open.

The clerk greeted me with a smile as I walked inside. "Welcome," he uttered with a grin. I had no time for small talk. I glanced at a brown messenger bag on the wall. "How much," I asked, pulling my wallet from my bag "How much for what?" I glanced to the side. "The bag!" "2500 PokeDollars." I handed it over. "Also, a Pokeball and the Mapplication for my PokeWatch." "3350," he said with a smile. That was all my money. "Thanks!" I yelled, running out of the store with the bag over my shoulder. I looked into the sky with a curious look. A large black bird with dark feathers and a gloomy look flew over head. As it passed by, a large cloud formed overhead, and rain fell almost instantaneously. I felt a bit of shock grow inside me. How did that happen, I thought, running to Route 1 with the bag over my head. I had to get to the next town, and fast.

As I walked past the entry way, a small sign that said Route 1, I encountered a Chatot. It was so catchable. But my Pokemon was in no condition to fight. He was still wounded from that battle with Mishlink. But then I noticed something. It was wounded, too. I giant blue bruise-looking mark was sprawked across his chest. I picked him up, and he gave me a wide-eyed look of surprise. And then a glare. This Pokemon certainly knew the move Mean Look (Pun). I grabbed him and ran to the hospital as fast as I could, with a still, out cold body in my hand.

I looked up at a sign, after the rain had stopped and a few minutes of walking. "Ixia City," it read. I looked around and spotted a Pokemon Center. Perfect, I thought with a relieved sigh. It was as if a huge amount of weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I burst through the glass door, with Nurse Joy and Kawari behind the counter. "Oh dear," Nurse Joy said. Kawari cried in agreement. "It'll take about a day to heal the Chatot. Do you have any other Pokmeon that need healing?" I thought for a moment. "This guy, too." Volcazar came out of the Pokemball in a flash of white light, cut and bleeding. "This one isn't as bad. It'll take about an hour." She turned and put the Pokeball in a piece of expensive equipment. "I'm asuming it was the girl who did this?" she asked. I grew curiosity. "The girl?" I was curious now. There must be something I could do to help. "What can I do?" She smiled. You can wait for your Pokemon and have a battle with her. She was a trainer. That made more sense now. "Call me when my Pokemon are ready," I said, rushing out the door.

On the way out of the Pokemon Center, a girl with a bright purple jacket and jeans and a ponytail walked in front of me. I knew she was the girl that Nurse Joy was talking about. Her name was Rose and she had left the same day my brother Jet left. She wasn't a Pokemon League competitor, but she still had a bit of talent. I knew that much. She smirked and raised her head as she passed by me. I knew that look. It was the same look Bruno gave me on the day of the Pokemon Battle. Or, today rather. I would challenge her to a battle. But my Pokemon were in the Center. Or Pokemon as a singular. I realised, I hadn't even caught the Chatot. I just walked past, without as much of a breath.

It was getting late. I had to find somewhere to stay. Then, I realised, my Uncle Rich lived in Ixia. That was convenient. I knew he would let me stay there. I knocked on the door and was greeted by my mom's brother, Rich. He let me spend the night at his house. I called my mom to let her know and she was fine with it. I woke up the next morning and looked at my watch. Nurse Joy had called about my Pokemon. I quickly threw on my clothes and ran out the door. Volcazar looked healthy as ever when I entered the Pokemon Center. Chatot was still glaring. I had no time to convince him. I grabbed him and ran out the door before Nurse Joy said, "Good Bye!" Rose was standing there after a Pokemon battle, with her Pokeball in hand. Another Tranier stood at the other side of the crudely, chalk-drawn stadium. I was going to challenge her to a Pokemon Battle. And I was gonna win.
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Last edited by KingCepheusIII; May 24th, 2013 at 07:13 PM.
  #11    
Old May 24th, 2013, 11:15 PM
KingCepheusIII's Avatar
KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
Enjoy!

Coulombird: The Electric Egg Pokemon
Type: Electric/Flying
Height: 0'8"
Weight: 10 lbs.
This pokemon is a very small species and is almost as short as Pokemon such as Joltik. It's brighy yellow apperance makes it stand out, giving it very little camoflauge. But, it is very popular among trainers, making it an over used Pokemon.

Kananjo: The Sadness Pokemon
Type: Normal
Height: 2"
Weight: 35 lbs.
This Pokemon tricks it's opponents into letting their defenses down, due to it's sad appearance. It then preys upon the target and then goes for an easy defeat, usually succesfully. It's cruel nature is hidden by it's mask of sadness and lies.


Chapter 4: The Sad

"I challenge you to a Pokemon Battle." She looked at me with shock, and then a wide grin. "Are you that foolish?" She asked, pulling a Pokeball out of her jacket pocket. I felt a drip of sweat run down my forehead. "Not foolish, brave," I answered with a confident demeanor. I knew I could win if I just tried. I pulled a Pokeball from my satchel. Volcazar was ready and so was I. This was going to be a battle to remember.

The referee of the last battle stood at the side lines - A pudgy kid with a black and white striped shirt. "Ready?" She looked smug across the stadium, tossing a Pokeball repeatedly in the air. "What are the conditions?" She looked around at all the frightened Trainers around the stadium. "Tell ya what. If I win, I'll give all these poor saps there money back. But if I win, then you have to give me everything on you that's worth something." I pulled the beanie lower over my head and sighed. "Deal." It was only a small price to pay for all those kids who lost their money. But I was confident I could win. My odds were gonna stack up.

She threw the Pokeball she was tossing. "Go, Kananjo!" I quickly took a Pokedex analysis over it. It had blueish fur and a stripes of purple. It had short horns, long, striped ears, a tail and a very sad face. "Go Volcazar," I said, trembling for the Pokeball in my satchel. He came out with a confident, smiling face, looking fully replenished. "Use Tackle!" He quickly charged up a powerful amount of force. But Kananjo's trick was working on Volcazar. He felt like he was goig to harm an innocent creature. So he stopped. "Use Force Palm!" Kananjo's face switched to an angry smile, as he shoved Volcazar back about four feet. I had to think, and fast. Then, I noticed that Volcazar's arms were singed with a smoky flames. I just knew that he had to have known the move.

"Use Ember!" Volcazar raised his hands angrily and shot little pellets of fire. Kananjo's face was once again, different, but replaced with a look of shock. "Kananjo, dodge and use Quick Attack!" Kananjo did a double backwards cartwheel, dodging the remainder of the attack. Kananjo then became a quick, blue streak as he ran and hit Volcazar with an amazing amount of speed. And I thought Mishlink was fast. Volcazar looked pretty tired. But angry. "Volcazar, use Tackle!" Volcazar managed to hit Kananjo, but Kananjo caught the attack and shook off his hands. It was only minor damage. "This is too easy. Kananjo, finishing blow. Use Force Palm." Kananjo's face remained sad, but you could tell that he had cruel excitement underneath. Kananjo held Volcazar there, by the neck and hit him with a force that made him screech before he fainted.

I was angry now. And I knew Chatot would help me out after witnessing what happened. He stood on my shoulder and looked at me in agreement. But I didn't know any of Chatot's moves. I would have to guess. "Go, Chatot," I said. Chatot stood and bowed for his opponent. Kananjo, with an expression of shock, quickly changed back to its sad face. He was a cruel Pokemon. "Kananjo, just use Growl," she sighed. He just let out a weak growl and stood with a look of confidence. That was where he made his mistake - I hope. "Chatot, use Encore!" I said. Chatot nodded ad let out a giant white ball of energy. It hit and Kananjo's eyes turned a redish color. "Use Force Palm!" But it didn't answer. He just used Growl again, but with a confused look. It worked. My face developed a grin and turned smug. "Chatot, Peck." Chatot turned and pecked at Kananjo. He tried to fight it off, but was still dazed from the non-understanding of Encore. Kananjo's health was depleting and I was confident once more.

After a few minutes of pecking, I had to wonder. Did Chatot know any other moves? I had to try something else. "Chatot, use Uproar!" I said. But this turn, he did nothing, because he didn't know that move. And little did I know that Encore had worn off after four moves. Kananjo shook his head around and then look up with a look of sheer anger. "Kananjo, use Body Slam!" Kananjo gladly nodded and prepared himself. He threw himself at Chatot. I had to make a desperation move. I crossed my fingers. "Chatot, use Sing!" Luckily, he knew that one. Chatot's song made Kananjo fall asleep. I knew I had the win at that moment. "Chatot, one last Peck!" Chatot pecked Kananjo, as he stood there, wobbling about. He collapsed and his eyes closed completely as he fell. Chatot bowed once again, as everyone stood there with a wide mouth. "Return," she said, as the Pokeball shot a red beam and returned the Pokemon. She pulled out another Pokeball. Damn, I thought as she got ready to throw.

"Go, Coulombird!" A small yellow bird came out and a little yellow spark released from it's feather. I wasn't ready just yet for another battle. I wasn't ready for the first one let alone. But I made a vow. A vow that I was gonna get my revenge, everyone's revenge on her, for taking money and harming Pokemon. I had to fight this battle for everyone who was counting on me. Even the referee was on edge. I was gonna finish this. Ready or not.
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Last edited by KingCepheusIII; May 28th, 2013 at 01:46 PM.
  #12    
Old May 28th, 2013, 01:28 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
Hey guys. Considering that X and Y might be based on light and sound, I'm thinking of changing the folklore. I need votes on which one to go with. This one, or the original?

Legend: Long ago, the great cosmic bird laid three eggs. One was a bright, yellow egg that gave off a large spark. The second was a bright green glowing egg that that shook around constantly. The third was a black egg that had a sort of dark energy. On the first day, the yellow egg hatched, creating a great bird with powerful control over magnetism, and shining, golden feathers. The second day, the green egg hatched, to be a green and purple bird with a powerful energy, said to be responsible for movement. The third day, the black egg hatched and grew to be a bird that controlled dark matter and created gravity.

also, I need to know before the next chapter, for a reason.
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Last edited by Astinus; May 28th, 2013 at 07:50 PM.
  #13    
Old May 29th, 2013, 05:06 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
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i literally can't write the next chapter until my question is answered
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  #14    
Old June 7th, 2013, 10:38 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
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considering that i need more time to think about things, i'm going to close down this story and start it back up under a similar title later in the year. I have only come up with 10+ pokemon. please understand. i need time to think.
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  #15    
Old June 7th, 2013, 10:41 PM
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KingCepheusIII
Broseph Stalin
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: That one place with the stuff
Age: 15
Gender: Male
Nature: Sassy
I'll also be making a new story under the title Pokemon: Worlds soon. It's not a fakemon region. it will all be real pokemon. don't worry.
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  #16    
Old June 17th, 2013, 12:01 PM
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
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Closing on author's request.
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