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  #1    
Old May 25th, 2013, 04:02 PM
Ryan_Smith
Unhatched Egg
 
Join Date: May 2013
Gender: Male
Hello, and welcome to my first fan-fiction, The Great Pokemon War. Now, i'm not going to search through every post, looking if this name was used before, but if it was please inform me. Well, I hope you guys enjoy, and i'll try and get 1, maybe 2 chapters a week. It will be in the POV of a pokemon btw.
-Ryan
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Prologue-
This is a story from a long time ago. Before pokeballs. Before great civilizations. But when people and pokemon first interacted. This is a time where people didn't use pokemon as friends, but as slaves, resources, or even food. Pokemon how ever began to revolt. The first pokemon "civilization" was lead by a young, but wise Kadabra. This is that civilization's story.
Chapter 1-
Today I woke up in the place that we all had to sleep, because those monsters. One of our most honorable people, Diglett, built these tunnels we call home. We aren't slaves, we're animals. Well, you might be asking about me. I am a simple Growlithe. Our king, Kadabra has trained me good, to attack those fiends. We are planning to attack them as soon as everyone has helpful skills. Kadabra taught me to spit fire or as he said "Ember" and slash people with my claws, which he called "Scratch". Now, why can't we just destroy their whole slave camp? Because they have highly trained guards, trained under a man named "Silver". But, those guards can't stop Kadabra's special ability. Sadly, no one inside the camps will help us, Kadabra has visited them many times, asking why they won't. Their only response is "The master will punish us if you fail". They think our army, of highly trained individuals will fail? Rubbish we say, every time Kadabra comes back with the same info. But, Kadabra says he knows the ways of the monsters. He was once one, his name was "Gold". One day, he woke up being dragged out of his bed and thrown in the mines, because of what he was.
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I hope you guys liked my first attempt at a fanfic.
-Ryan
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  #2    
Old May 25th, 2013, 04:53 PM
Phantom's Avatar
Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it...
Community Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Minnesota
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Nature: Brave
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ryan_Smith View Post
Hello, and welcome to my first fan-fiction, The Great Pokemon War. Now, i'm not going to search through every post, looking if this name was used before, but if it was please inform me. Well, I hope you guys enjoy, and i'll try and get 1, maybe 2 chapters a week. It will be in the POV of a pokemon btw.
-Ryan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prologue-
This is a story from a long time ago. Before pokeballs. Before great civilizations. But when people and pokemon first interacted. This is a time where people didn't use pokemon as friends, but as slaves, resources, or even food. Pokemon how ever began to revolt. The first pokemon "civilization" was lead by a young, but wise Kadabra. This is that civilization's story.
Chapter 1-
Today I woke up in the place that we all had to sleep, because those monsters. One of our most honorable people, Diglett, built these tunnels we call home. We aren't slaves, we're animals. Well, you might be asking about me. I am a simple Growlithe. Our king, Kadabra has trained me good, to attack those fiends. We are planning to attack them as soon as everyone has helpful skills. Kadabra taught me to spit fire or as he said "Ember" and slash people with my claws, which he called "Scratch". Now, why can't we just destroy their whole slave camp? Because they have highly trained guards, trained under a man named "Silver". But, those guards can't stop Kadabra's special ability. Sadly, no one inside the camps will help us, Kadabra has visited them many times, asking why they won't. Their only response is "The master will punish us if you fail". They think our army, of highly trained individuals will fail? Rubbish we say, every time Kadabra comes back with the same info. But, Kadabra says he knows the ways of the monsters. He was once one, his name was "Gold". One day, he woke up being dragged out of his bed and thrown in the mines, because of what he was.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you guys liked my first attempt at a fanfic.
-Ryan
Yay, my first review in months.

First off, it's way too short. Yes, as a writer you retain the right to make it as short or long as you'd like, but if you want to be taken seriously it needs to be longer than this.

Second, the formating is, right now, a giant block. Look at other fanfictions on the site. The standard format is to put a full break after each new paragraph. It's easier to read!

Next, the prologue... isn't a prologue. It's a paragraph... I think you're missing the difference between A/N's and an actual prologue.

Then for the chapter itself. The grammar is terrible. I understand that you mean for it to be from a pokémon's perspective, but the syntax is all over the place. I don't know it that's an effect of it being a pokémon or if English isn't your first language. If it is because of pokéspeak, it doesn't make sense because there are rather complicated (ish) words in there that if a pokémon didn't write/think that legibly wouldn't be in there in the first place.

And... wait.. Gold was turned into a pokémon? How? Right now this is like a teaser.

Don't take this the hard way. You have an idea for a story here. Look at other fanfictions, particularly things like Mystery Dungeon fics and poképerspective AU's, they should help you out.
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