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  #1    
Old May 27th, 2013, 02:05 PM
Iceman3317's Avatar
Iceman3317
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Hey PC! This is my first fan fiction that I am putting on her. I have have attempted to make pokemon fan fiction in the past, but I never get very far. This time I am hoping to finish this story. The region it takes place in, is a fan made region I have made known as the Belicomo Region. It is about 700 miles south of Unova in a agricultural region that is mainly forest and hills, along with a few small mountains and a very large mountain. The real world setting would be the State of Tennessee. So there is no ocean around it. I will try to keep all ocean based pokemon out of the story, unless it belongs to a trainer.

The main characters are Dallas who has Hazel eyes and black hair and Gwyn who has very dark red hair and sky blue eyes. It is basically about evil gathering together to form The Apocalyptic Brotherhood. I don't want to say too much about them right now. It will be strongly tournament based, but does not have gym badges. I have not made much about the yet, but it will be explained later. Without further adieu, here is the first chapter. I have tried to catch every grammar mistake. However there will be one that will constantly repeat that I have never really understood. Please, if it is the same mistake, just let me know about 1 and I will go through and fix the rest.

I have rated the PG-13 for the time being for a few words, violence, and suggestive themes. It may change slightly later on, but it will not reach M.



Episode 1: The Start of All Things!

Dallas sat on a bench under a great willow tree. It was a warm, first day of summer. A northwestern wind was coming down, making it perfect weather. The sun was low in the sky as day started to turn to night. It was the Mid-Summer Festival that took place every year on the Summer Solstice. The smell of honeysuckles filled Dallas' nostrils with their sweet sent. Above him in the willow tree, Pidove and Starly played together. About 100 yards in front of him, he could hear pokemon and children playing together in the lake. Over to his left he watched his Growlithe and a Lillipup playing with each other.

"Here you go, Dally," A feminine voice called as the owner approached.

Dallas looked over to his right and a female about the same age with beautiful dark red hair and brilliant sky blue eyes handed him an ice cream cone.

"Oh, thanks Gwyn. I didn't know you were getting ice cream. I would have went with you" Dallas said taking the ice cream cone into his hand.

Gwyn sat down besides him on the bench. "Yeah, I wanted to surprise you." She smiled at him.

"Well thank you. I was surprised as you could tell." He said with a chuckle.

They did not say much until they had finished eating. Both of them ate their ice cream at the same pace. They had learned to match one another's speed when it came to eating, because they had been friends for so long.

"It has been such a beautiful day today." Gwyn said, cleaning her hands and mouth with a napkin.
Dallas did the same with his napkin and then spoke, "Yes it has been. It reminds me of that day ten years ago from the day."

"Yes, I had just moved here from Unova and was attacked by a Seviper. You and Growlithe saved me and Lillipup." Gwyn said with her sweet voice that she had always had.

Dallas nodded. "Yeah, we were both eight at the time. I had just gotten my Growlithe a few months before for Christmas. It is hard to believe it has already been ten years. I can remember it like it was just yesterday."

Dallas whistled and Growlithe and Lillipup stopped playing and ran over to the bench. Growlithe jumped in Dallas' lap and Lillipup in Gwyn's. There was silence for a few seconds and then Gwyn broke it.

"When do you think you will be going on your journey?" She asked, petting Lillipup.

"Not sure. With school finally being over, probably soon. Isn't that right boy?" He asked rubbing Growlithe's head.

Grow- Grow. Growlithe barked putting his front paws on Dallas' chest and started to lick him in the face.

"What about you?" Dallas asked looking over to Gwyn, while she looked down at Lillipup. He could tell she was a little nervous with the question.

Gwyn looked up and over at Dallas. Her sky blue eyes sparkled with the forming sunset. Dallas's hazel eye met hers.

"Well, umm... I was wondering if I could go w-" She was cut off by a loud intercom horn that was about twenty feet away from them.

"Attention trainers and others! It is now seven o'clock. The Bonfire will begin in about 30 minutes. Following the bonfire at about nine o'clock, the fireworks show will start. Have a good rest of the night!"

"Crap, I forgot I had to pick up some stuff for my parents." Dalles said standing quickly. "I don't want to miss the fireworks or bonfire." He finished.

"Oh... ok." Gwyn said looking back down at Lillipup. The little furry head was now looking up at her in concern.

Lil-Lil-Lillipup. Lillipup barked putting its small paw on her hand.

Dallas looked back at Gwyn. He wished he had not said what he had said. Gwyn's parents had disappeared five months ago without a trace. She had been living alone the past five months.

"Hey Gwyn, you want to come? I could use some professional help with woman's shampoo. My mother told be to get the best, but I am clueless when it comes to those things." He said chuckling a bit. He actually knew exactly what shampoo to get for his mother, but he wanted a reason to get Gwyn to come.

"Sure!" Gwyn said looking back up at Dallas.

Dalles smiled. "Ok then!" Dallas reached to his side and pulled out a normal Pokeball. "Growlithe return!" He commanded as he pointed the Pokeball at Growlithe. A red beam of light shot out of the center of the pokeball and covered Growlithe. Dallas returned the pokeball to his belt.

Gwyn followed and returned Lillipup to his pokeball. They took one last look around to make sure they were not forgetting anything. After that the walked side by side. After a few minutes of walking, a person in black, with a hood over his head, bumped into his shoulder. Dallas could not see his face, so he did not dare say anything. But after they were out of ear shot from him he bent over to whisper into Gwyn's ear.

"Have you noticed there has been a few of those people around today?" Dallas whispered.

"Yes, I have seen about six in the passed few hours. They seem to be together." Gwyn said quietly.

"I have seen about 12 all day. And yes I agree, they seem to be together and up to no good." Dallas said as he returned to stand straight.

After they got the stuff they needed for Dallas' parents. They returned to his house. He walked and saw that his parents were not around.

"Hello? Mom? Dad? Anyone home?" He called into the rest of the house. No answer came.

"They must be down at the lake for the fireworks and bonfire." Gwyn said.

Though Dallas was not to sure about that, he nodded in agreement.

"How about we get back to the bonfire? Should be starting in a few minutes." Dallas suggested.

Gwyn nodded and they walked back to the lake. Everything seemed normal. The sun was almost completely down now and people were starting to gather. Dallas and Gwyn arrived at the huge stack of wood that would be used for the bonfire. A few minutes passed, but no one came to start the bonfire. Something was wrong.

"Hey where is the bonfire!!"
"Hurry up!!"
"Come on!! We have been waiting all day!"
The crowd started getting annoyed.

Out of no where, a giant pokemon landed. It had red wings and its tail was on fire, but it was a black color instead of its normal orange. It was a shiny Charizard. The Charizard blasted a flamethrower attack all over the crowd. Cries of terror replaced the annoyed voices. When people tried to run, they were knocked back by the men in black and hoods over their heads. The day that had been so beautiful, was now a living hell as infernos surrounded the large crowd. Explosions filled the air. It was the fireworks that were supposed to be launched. They were now being fired into the crowd.

"Dallas! What's happening!" Gwyn cried as she death gripped his arm and huddled as close as possible to him.

"I.... I don't know." Dallas said trying to hide the pain in his arm from her tight grip.

As if answering her question, a man in pitch black robes and blood red trim appeared on top of the bonfire stack that had not been lit. The crowd fell silent.

"Greetings my fellow trainers! You are now members of The Apocalyptic Brotherhood!"
Friend Code - 2251 4942 3229
Friend Safari Pokemon - Abra, Espurr, and Duosion
Pm me with your FC so I can add you if you add me.

Last edited by Iceman3317; June 12th, 2013 at 07:22 PM. Reason: Rating change.
  #2    
Old May 30th, 2013, 05:27 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
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Eventful end to the opening chapter there. Nice way to set it up! (And this brotherhood sounds like they have the costume down pat. =p)

I liked how you introduced the characters in the beginning. They already seem pretty interesting, and there's some nice interaction between the two. Growlithe and Lillipup are neat Pokemon too imo, so I look forward to seeing what they do in the story.

I do suggest to proofread properly as there were some mistakes throughout which can distract from the story.
Quote:
About 100 yards in front of him, he could here pokemon and children playing together in the lake.
hear rather than here, for instance.
Quote:
"Here you go Dally." a feminine voice called as the owner got closer.
A couple things here: firstly, if someone is addressed by name (or nickname, etc), a comma should go before or after that name. Secondly, with dialogue you should only use a full stop if the sentence ends there - if what follows the dialogue doesn't work as a sentence by itself, then use a comma instead (or !, ? - this rule only applies to full stops). Ie:
Quote:
"Here you go, Dally," a feminine voice called as the owner got closer.
Punctuation in dialogue can be annoying to figure out at first, but the main thing is to be consistent, which isn't the case:
Quote:
Gwyn sat down besides him on the bench, "Yeah, I wanted to surprise you". She said smiling at him.
Here you had the punctuation after the quotation mark - it should be inside, and again here a comma rather than a full stop. [I also would go with a full stop after 'bench' as it makes more sense to start a new sentence there]. 'She' should also become 'she'. Given 'She said smiling at him' doesn't sound complete as its own sentence, it ought to be treated as a sentence along with the dialogue, and so you don't use a capital with She. Some example variations of the above:

Quote:
"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you," she said, smiling at him.
Note I use a comma after said to use as a pause in the sentence.
Quote:
"Yeah, I wanted to surprise you." She smiled at him.
Here She is capitalised as 'She smiled at him' does work as its own sentence, and as a result a full stop is also used in the dialogue.
There's other examples of misused punctuation around dialogue in your story, so I suggest going through it. If you want a clearer explanation then just ask!
Quote:
They did not say much until they had finished eating. Both of them ate their ice cream at the same speed. They had been friends for ten years.
The last sentence sounds rather odd compared with the rest - you're talking about ice cream eating, and then suddenly drop the fact that they were friends for so long. This would be better in its own paragraph or even dropped given it's indicated in their discussion a little bit later.
Quote:
Dallas's hazel eye met her's.
Note that cases like "her's" really means "her is" - what you want is hers.
Quote:
She was cut off by a loud intercom horn that was about 20 feet away from them wired on a pole so that announcements could be made.
Numbers smaller than 100 ought to be written out with letters (so twenty rather than 20). Try not to include too many details or explain too much - here we can figure out that the intercom is already there for announcements, so there's no need to over explain the intercom's existence.
Quote:
It is now Seven O'clock.
Watch that you don't capitalise stuff needlessly too. It should only be done for proper nouns (e.g. names, places, things of Great Importance... =p) - seven o'clock doesn't fall under that though.
Quote:
She had been living alone the passed five months.
past.
Quote:
After that the walked side by side. After a few minutes of walking, a person in black with a hood over his said bumped into his shoulder.
Be sure to proofread so stuff like this isn't left in.
Quote:
He was the fireworks that were supposed to be launched
Quote:
"Dallas! What's happening!" Gwyn cried as she death gripped his arm and go as close as possible to him.
Make sure that sentences sound right too. One good trick is to proof read by reading out aloud - if something is off it'll sound off when read aloud.
Quote:
As if answering her question a man in Pitch Black Robes
Another case of unnecessary capitalisation. 'pitch black robes' are not proper nouns, so there's no need for capitals there.

Although there's more about grammar than anything else here, the story is a good start. Just needs a bit more attention to that side is all, as they do get in the way of the story. Good luck with the rest of it, and do post more!


  #3    
Old June 1st, 2013, 07:23 PM
Iceman3317's Avatar
Iceman3317
Kalos Explorer!
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Mistralton City
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Ok thanks. I don't know why, but I have a bad habit of capitalizing colors. I will probably fix the mistakes you have pointed out tomorrow. A lot of them should have not even been there. I guess I can blame fast typing for part of that. Thanks.

All of the mistakes that were pointed out, should now be fixed. I also found a few other small mistakes that have now been fixed.

Also, note that I will be changing the rating to Pg-16 as the next chapter has... some potentially disturbing scenes.
Friend Code - 2251 4942 3229
Friend Safari Pokemon - Abra, Espurr, and Duosion
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Last edited by Iceman3317; June 7th, 2013 at 05:51 PM.
  #4    
Old June 7th, 2013, 05:53 PM
Iceman3317's Avatar
Iceman3317
Kalos Explorer!
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Mistralton City
Age: 21
Gender: Male
Nature: Quiet
Episode 2: A Stranger's Voice

Dallas shifted uneasily back and forth. He was not sure what to do in the current situation. Gwyn eased up on her death grip, but she still clung to his arm. Her eyes were locked on the man with pitch black robes and blood red trim. Dallas was about to retort, but he was stopped by a mysterious voice that boomed at what sounded like it was right next to him.

Do not speak! It will only bring suffering to you and the ones you care for.

Dallas glanced around, trying to find the owner of the voice, but no one was seen. He did notice that others glanced around like he was.

Did others hear the same voice that he had heard, he thought to himself.

The voice boomed once more.

Do not look around. They will notice that something is up. I am speaking to all of you through my telekinesis. I am the light in this dark time. More than half of you will not listen to what I have to say. To the ones still paying attention, slowly move to the outside of the crowd. This may sound cruel, but we cannot help those who do not wish to listen. If everything works out, we will save the ones who survive in the future. When I say now, run as fast as you can and hide. Do NOT run until I say now. No sooner or I will be unable to assist. What you see will only be an illusion.

The voice drifted away into silence. Dallas looked down at Gwyn, her eyes were now wide and alert. She was no longer holding his arm tightly. Their eyes met, all they did was nod to one another. Dallas assumed that she had also heard the voice. Slowly they drifted backwards to the back of the group.

"And wonder if we don't want to join your 'Brotherhood' as you call it," A cocky voice rang from the front of the group.

It was the spark to start the fire. The crowd was now in an all out riot. All the mysterious man did was laugh.

"This is your only warning. Resistance is futile and will not be tolerated. You either join us, or become slaves. I cannot guarantee your safety if you go against me," The man raised his hand in the air and snapped.

Behind him, six others walked out of the shadows to join him. They all were in pitch black robes, but had different colored trim. Dallas studied the colors; blue, yellow, orange, green, purple, and brown trims.

"This is only half of my generals, there are six more. They all have a special pokemon like my Charizard. All strong. All unstoppable. They have no weakness and will destroy anything that tries to stop us," the mystery man said, laughing once again. Dallas knew by now that this man was mad.

Slowly, Dallas and Gwyn made it to the back of the group. Dallas dared look back and to his surprise. There was no men there. It was open and just begging for people to make a run for it. Dallas almost dragged Gwyn with him to make a run for it, but he stopped. The warning of the mysterious voice echoed in his mind. Do NOT run until I say now. No sooner or I will not be able to help. What you see will only be an illusion.

Right after the words finished echoing, a boy tried to run for it. It turned out to be a deadly mistake. The boy collided with an invisible wall, sparks flew from the boy's body. Dallas and Gwyn could only look in horror as the boy shrieked in agony. A horrific smell filled the crowd's nostrils. Dallas fell to he knees, taking everything he had to not heave at the smell of burning flesh. Gwyn was not so lucky. She collapsed to the ground and vomit splattered the grass. After Dallas got his bearings, he looked around. More than fifteen people had met the same fate as the boy had in front of him and Gwyn. He also noticed that at least a quarter of the crowd was vomiting on the ground as well.

The man with red trim laughed madly, "As I said, resistance is fu-" He was stopped. An enormous bright light exploded in the now night sky. Everyone was forced to shield their eyes.

NOW!!

The mysterious voice boomed overhead this time where everyone could hear it.

Dallas looked over at Gwyn. She was still recovering from the smell and could not move. She was in no condition to run. Without sparing a word, Dallas leaped to his feet and scooped Gwyn and to his arms. Without thinking he ran toward the gap, but he was not stopped by the invisible wall that had killed more than twenty. No , he made it through. Behind him, he could hear yells and cries. Pokemon were battling and attacking. He did not dare risk looking back and ran as fast as he could with Gwyn in his arms. He could only think of one place to go, the hidden basement deep below his home.
Friend Code - 2251 4942 3229
Friend Safari Pokemon - Abra, Espurr, and Duosion
Pm me with your FC so I can add you if you add me.

Last edited by Iceman3317; June 12th, 2013 at 07:18 PM.
  #5    
Old June 12th, 2013, 07:21 PM
Iceman3317's Avatar
Iceman3317
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Join Date: May 2010
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Age: 21
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I have fixed a few mistake in chapter 2. Also, can someone change the thread title to have PG-16 out beside the title. I tried, but it did not change and I do not know how to report it. Chapter 3 will be up soon in this post.

Episode 3, Part 1: The Pain of Ten Years.

Gwyn woke up in darkness. She looked around, but there was nothing to be seen. The darkness shifted to a forest scene. Willows, Oaks, Elms, and many other trees seemed to form out of thin air. Grass covered the ground and flowers sprouted at her feet. She then recognized this place. This was the part of the forest that she had first met Dallas.

Lillipup. A small bark came. Gwyn looked down and her Lillipup was so small.

"Oh hey, Lillipup. This must be a dream of when I first met Dallas. Go on and play. I am going to go see if I can find Dallas," she said, petting Lillipup on the fuzzy head.

She figured she had blacked out after she had gotten sick. Gwyn walked over to the creek that ran through the area. She knew where everything was. Yet it still felt odd to her. Her thoughts were broken by a cry from Lillipup. She ran in the direction of where the cry came from.

Sssee - Ssseeviper. A Seviper was facing down Lillipup.

Lillipup was just a baby. She knew it was a dream, but she couldn't bear losing it. "Lillipup!!" She cried, running between Seviper and Lillipup.

Sssseviper!! The Seviper hissed in anger.

She knew that you were never suppose to stop a Seviper from its meal. She didn't care. Her brother had given her that Lillipup for her birthday back in Unova. A month after she had received the Lillipup, her brother was killed in a plane crash. He was traveling to Kanto to face off against a legendary trainer. His plane was never found, yet they still never saw or heard him again. She loved her brother so much and wanted to go to Kanto with him, but he did not allow it. She did not want to lose the only thing left that reminded her of him.

Seviper unleashed a poison tail. It made contact with her chest and sent her flying thirty feet back and landed on her arm. She tried to move, but it was no longer possible. The poison was already starting to spread and was killing her. The Seviper no longer cared for Lillipup, no Gwyn would be a much more satisfying meal. It slithered over to where Gwyn was. It hissed sinisterly. She tried to move, but each failed attempt brought tears to her eyes. What was worst is she couldn't wake up.

"Please! Someone! Anyone! Help me!" She cried. The Seviper kept getting closer and closer. Right when the Seviper was about to finish her off, an inferno engulfed the Seviper from behind. Gwyn tried to look and could slightly make out the forms of a Growlithe and a boy about her age. It was Dallas.

Ssseviiiper! It cried in pain and anger.

The Seviper was now pissed. It launched a Poison String and then followed up with a Poison Tail. Both attacks hitting Growlithe. The Growlithe was sent flying into a tree a few yards away. Gwyn was terrified. This was not how it had originally played out.

"Growlithe! You stupid snake! You hurt my friend." Dallas yelled.

Seviper turned on Dallas. It hissed and to Gwyn's surprise launched a thunder attack. It was impossible for a seviper to learn thunder, but some how this one had learned it. The thunder attack met struck home. All Gwyn could do was watch in horror as the Seviper locked its jaw around Dallas, not able to move or wake up.

"Da- Dallas!!!!!!" She jolted up right.

"Gwyn! Gwyn! Are you ok?" Dallas asked in concern. He had both arms on her shoulders.

Gwyn looked around. They were in a dimly lit room with brick walls. Her clothes were soaked with sweat and tears. All the pain and suffering over the past ten years boiled to the surface. The loss of her brother. The disappearance of her parents. The death of so many at the bonfire. And the pain of seeing the greatest guy she had ever met being killed by the Seviper in her dream. The same Seviper who had almost killed her ten years ago. The dam of tears shattered, and she was now wrapping her arms around Dallas.

"Dallas! Why does everything bad happen to us? My brother died, our parents disappearing and seeing all those people die at the bonfire." She tried uncontrollably.

Dallas didn't say anything right away. He put his arms around her and put his head on her's. Then he finally spoke. "Shhh. Shhh. Your safe and sound now. I am here and will always be here. That is a promise. We will find our parents and we will make The Apocalyptic Brotherhood pay." Dallas rubbed her back softly.

One thing Dallas had running through his head was. Don't make a promise you can't keep. He never broke promises, but a sickly feeling was growing in his stomach.

Elsewhere.....

"Sir, six people have managed to escape. But three seem to still be around here somewhere. " A man in pitch black robes announced, bowing before the man with red trim.

"Find them. If the red head in one of them, I don't want much harm to come to her. We have business to take care of. Kill the rest." The red trim man growled.

"Yes sir."
Friend Code - 2251 4942 3229
Friend Safari Pokemon - Abra, Espurr, and Duosion
Pm me with your FC so I can add you if you add me.

Last edited by Iceman3317; June 12th, 2013 at 10:33 PM.
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