The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


Reply
Click here to go to the first staff post in this thread.  
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old June 3rd, 2013, 09:37 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
The opening line of this wouldn't leave as soon as I thought of the prompt. I decided to go with a Pokemon fanfic, rather than my usual fandom for short stories.

This also sets up a little of the alternate universe my Pokemon fics take place in.

-- --

If she had the chance to do it again, she wouldn't have.

Delia Ketchum hurried past the closed bedroom door. It was right at the top of the stairs. That was a fight she gave into, allowing her son to have the room of his choice upstairs. She had worried then. Her hurried clumsy son never tumbled down the stairs, though. His tiny hands grasped the handrail as he stumbled down them, and he always jumped down the last step, his feet stomping against the wooden floor.

Then he was out the door. The same door Delia had opened one day to greet a police officer from Viridian City. The officer saluted her and said, “Mrs. Ketchum? We regret to inform you that--”

How many months has it been? Two? Three? Twelve?

In those months, she had many visitors. Even Professor Oak took the time out of his day to see her. He apologized to her, many times in that day and beyond. If only he had known. If only he had a Bulbasaur or a Charmander. No, a Squirtle just like Ash always wanted. But Gary Oak took the Squirtle and was off battling in tournaments.

And Ash...

Turning around, Delia opened the closed bedroom door. Faces of various Pokémon toys greeted her. Pokémon posters covered the walls, and Pokémon books lay scattered on the floor. Sunlight streaming through the open window caught the gold statue of Ho-Oh above the bed. Ho-Oh had always been her son's favorite Pokémon, and he told her one day that he was going to find it. It was his dream, right after becoming a Pokémon Master.

The room was exactly as it was the day he left on his journey. He had been so excited. Nothing would hold him back from being a trainer. Not even his worried mother.

“I'm sorry, Delia. If I didn't give him that Pikachu, this never would have happened.”

Not even a Pikachu unused to humans, who unleashed a Thunderbolt during a lightning storm strong enough to kill a young boy who loved Pokémon enough to die for them.

The same morning Delia opened the door for a police officer, there was a reported sighting of Ho-Oh on Route 1. Right where her son had died.

Ash fulfilled his dream.

If Delia had the chance to save her son, she wouldn't take it.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old June 3rd, 2013, 09:55 PM
Bay Alexison's Avatar
Bay Alexison
Not a Baygel
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Age: 25
Nature: Sassy
Caught your link from Twitter, thought I might check it out haha.

Have to say, this already sets up to be an interesting AU. Since you have Ash die at the very beginning, am curious your take on this and how much you planned out already. Do feel sorry for Delia there. D:

Overall, nice take on the reset prompt and an enjoyable read! I won't mind this concept being explored more.
__________________
→Spark. Flash. Flame.

[PC Fanfiction Index] [Nothing, Everything] [Quiet Admiration][The BBS] [MyAnimeList][Archive of Our Own][FFnet]
[Partner in Crime: Elite Overlord LeSabre™] [Cousin: Astinus] [Avatar: suspecting from LJ]
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old June 4th, 2013, 07:53 AM
dudebot's Avatar
dudebot
Glowing Yellow
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nomnom Town
Gender: Male
Nature: Bold
Send a message via Skype™ to dudebot
Finally, a dark alternate story that doesn't involve Ash being in a coma. And, it's much more logical.

Well written. I'm impressed. Though, from some of your other works I've read, I expect nothing less.

My only critique, and it's slight, is that this didn't feel as tragic as it should have. I mean, the memory of your son walking off in the world with a small mouse and not coming back . . . she should be falling with he back sliding down the wall, failing to hold back the tears rushing down her face. She let her 10 year-old son walk into a world he was unaware of with a Pokemon that didn't fully respect or listen to him. She saw the signs.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4    
Old June 14th, 2013, 12:52 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bay Alexison View Post
Since you have Ash die at the very beginning, am curious your take on this and how much you planned out already.
Not a lot more than that Ash was getting in the way, and the only way for him not to was to kill him. It's always been planned that he'd die, but the way he has in this AU has changed from my first idea.

I know that there are a few changes though.

Thanks, Bay! You're too nice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dudebot View Post
Finally, a dark alternate story that doesn't involve Ash being in a coma. And, it's much more logical.
Haha, thanks. While the coma theory does interest me, it's too happy for my writing tastes.

Quote:
My only critique, and it's slight, is that this didn't feel as tragic as it should have. I mean, the memory of your son walking off in the world with a small mouse and not coming back . . . she should be falling with he back sliding down the wall, failing to hold back the tears rushing down her face. She let her 10 year-old son walk into a world he was unaware of with a Pokemon that didn't fully respect or listen to him. She saw the signs.
I guess my response to this could be that this takes place at least a year-and-a-half since Ash had died. So Delia wasn't as distraught by Ash's death as she would have been when it first happened, but it's a dull pain that stays with her. And she would have stopped Ash from leaving on his journey, since it is a dangerous world out there (that she also probably knows well from Ash's father being gone), but that wouldn't make her son happy. So she let him go.

There's more to this (the story's looking to be part of a much larger chapter), so hopefully that will be better. And I'll revisit this then and work on Delia's emotions more to make them stronger.

Thanks, dudebot. I'll keep your review in mind for future improvements!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5    
Old June 16th, 2013, 05:13 AM
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Send a message via AIM to bobandbill Send a message via Windows Live Messenger to bobandbill
This was a neat concept and well explored, I felt, Astinus. I think it'll work well as a set up of your AU.

Quote:
In those months, she had many visitors. Even Professor Oak took the time out of his day to see her. He apologized to her, many times in that day and beyond. If only he had known. If only he had a Bulbasaur or a Charmander. No, a Squirtle just like Ash always wanted. But Gary Oak took the Squirtle and was off battling in tournaments.
Damn that Gary Oak!

I agree in part with dudebot's point about her reaction to visiting his room and thinking about his death. I feel that a bit more emotion could have been had there, but I do agree that the dull pain feeling makes sense if it's a good year and so after, and I don't think a sliding down the wall and crying reaction is quite the extent to reach (and perhaps a bit too cliché?). It could also take away from the flashbacks/thoughts about Ash as well, in a way. My thoughts anyways, each to their own I suppose.
Quote:
Ho-Oh had always been her son's favorite Pokémon, and he told her one day that he was going to find it. It was his dream, right after becoming a Pokémon Master.
I don't recall too much about the anime, but I think that Ash hadn't know what Ho-oh was when he saw it? Although this can be ignored in favour of this being an AU story, of course.
__________________


Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
Reply With Quote
  #6    
Old June 16th, 2013, 10:26 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
This was a neat concept and well explored, I felt, Astinus. I think it'll work well as a set up of your AU.
Aw, thanks! That's reassuring to hear. There are still some finer details I have to figure out, but the basis of the world is there.

Quote:
Damn that Gary Oak!
Gary Oak keeps demanding that I write about him. How can I deny him?

Quote:
I agree in part with dudebot's point about her reaction to visiting his room and thinking about his death. I feel that a bit more emotion could have been had there, but I do agree that the dull pain feeling makes sense if it's a good year and so after, and I don't think a sliding down the wall and crying reaction is quite the extent to reach (and perhaps a bit too cliché?). It could also take away from the flashbacks/thoughts about Ash as well, in a way. My thoughts anyways, each to their own I suppose.
I will admit that I was focusing more on Delia's thoughts over her emotions in this. And yeah, an excuse for that is that this takes place a year-and-a-half since Ash died. But as I told dudebot, I'll keep this in mind when I revisit this story to see how it will fit as part of a larger chapter.

Quote:
I don't recall too much about the anime, but I think that Ash hadn't know what Ho-oh was when he saw it? Although this can be ignored in favour of this being an AU story, of course.
I just tossed that bit of canon right out the window!

Actually, the way I have it, knowledge about everything up to Generation 5 is well-known. It just seems really odd to have characters not know what some species of Pokemon are. I do have one character who was raised on stories of all the legendaries (especially Ho-Oh) and prays to Uxie, even though the character is from Hoenn. It just makes more sense than characters from Kanto only knowing Kanto Pokemon or some such.

And yes, AU. :D

Cheers for the review!
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 01:51 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.