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  #1    
Old June 7th, 2013 (01:44 PM).
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Elmogvy Elmogvy is offline
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Episode #1 : Enter, Cyndiquil!

In the beautiful region of Gardia, everything was peaceful ever since the two heros restored time and space back to normal. It was only 25 years after the nightmare ended when new threats started to rise.
In the outcast land of Ashy Prarie, a Cyndiquil and a Yamask are fighting outside the school building. "Knock it off Yamask! I really need my money back to buy medicines for my mom," pleads Cyndiquil. "Actually, that's more of a reason to keep your money. Plus, one of your pals does owe me a few pokedollars," says Yamask back. "And if you want the money so bad, why won't you just fight for it!" Cyndiquil stared blankly at Yamask for a moment. The crowd of pokemon around them waited in silence. Everyone knew that he was the worst fighter in school, and was a perfect target for bullies. Even the wind waited for his response. Cyndiquil always put his loved ones first, but this was insane. He gathered up all of his courage, willpower, and knowlage, and says,"You're on, Yamask!"
Meanwhile, far away in Abayass Castle, explosions could be seen from the sky. "You don't have to go through this Tornadous and Thunderous," says Giratina weakly. "Don't let yourselves be munipulated by Genesect." Both of them smirked at his remark, and Thunderous says," We're stupid if we listen to you. It's about time Gardia has a new ruler, and Lord Genesect is the perfect canidate." "Let's wrap this up, Thunderous," responds Tornadous. With that, they unleashed a combination of Disaster Volt and Hurrincane on Giratina.
"I'll start things off," says Yamask. "Shadow Claw!" With that, it landed a direct hit on Cyndiquil. "Fine then. Flame Wheel!" He charges fast, but Yamask levitated in the air higher. "You're going to have to do better than that, jerk. Shadow Ball!" Cyndiquil manages to avoid the attack. "Go, Tackle!" Yamask didn't move an inch. This confused him, for this is a battle. To his surprise, he went right through Yamask! "Time to finish this up, Hex!" Direct hit for Cyndiquil. All of a sudden, the sky turned hazel. Everyone's gaze went above. They saw a whole army of pokemon going towards their direction! Screams started to fill the air, and pokemon ran all over the place. Cyndiquil is still weak from battle with Yamask, and was abandoned by everyone. A Pidgeot flew to tackle him with a daggar. He knew there was no hope left, and closed his eyes. He kept waiting for the moment to come, but the hit never came.
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  #2    
Old June 7th, 2013 (03:04 PM).
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dudebot dudebot is offline
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It's weird. This is short and yet, it's a bit too sporadic.

Let me just say, this is a terrific premise for what appears to be a Mystery Dungeon story. However, the sentence structure and the scene-jumping makes it a bit difficult to read. It's not too difficult on account of the story being relatively short, but it still has an effect.

Now, a few things about spelling and grammar. One thing, you're spelling *Cyndaquil wrong. You have a few syntax errors and misspellings throughout the story. Another thing is paragraph structure. To make for a smoother read, you would usually start a new paragraph whenever a different person talks. For example:

"Knock it off Yamask! I really need my money back to buy medicines for my mom," pleads Cyndaquil.

"Actually, that's more of a reason to keep your money. Plus, one of your pals does owe me a few pokedollars," says Yamask back. "And if you want the money so bad, why won't you just fight for it!"
--------

All spelling and grammar aside, this is a story with noticeable potential. And it seems that Giratina is finally portrayed in a role where he's not angry with the world or something. I'm all for that. I'll be popping in this thread to check in on the story. A little bit of tightening up and I'll be a fan for sure.
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  #3    
Old June 7th, 2013 (04:09 PM).
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Elmogvy Elmogvy is offline
The One That Adores A Mudkip and Eevee
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
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Thanks for the advice. I'll make sure to 1.)spell correctly the pokemon and 2.)space out quotes from text. Please send me more feedback. :D LOL
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Hello random people! Glad to meet and greet all day long! Check out my Fanfiction collection for my stories are truly amazing!

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Pokemon Dark Rising 1 & 2
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Pokemon Ruby Destiny Series
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