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  #1    
Old June 11th, 2013, 04:16 AM
BenGames,Films, and More!'s Avatar
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Basically, this story will cover the life of Giovanni, shortly before the birth of Silver, and the life of Silver up to the first disbanding of Team Rocket and Giovanni abandoning him. I promise to keep this more up to date than my first fan-fiction.

11 Years before the events of R/B/Y

Viridian City was bustling. It was a year after being officially founded. It was a great place to raise a family, and that is where Giovanni, and his wife, Melody lived. They began a habit of going to Viridian Forest together to pick fruits. They were very delicious, many people and Pokemon ate them. Melody and Giovanni were doing everything they could to have a baby and raise a family. But on one unfortunate day, Giovanni insisted that Melody go alone to Viridian Forest, so he could check out the construction of the city's official Pokemon Gym. He had always been interested in the Indigo League. But while he was doing that, he got a disturbing call from the city's Pokemon Center. Melody had been hurt.

Giovanni was greeted by Nurse Joy, as they walked to where Melody was being kept. Giovanni walked into her room and greeted Melody.

"Giovanni, why are you wearing a pink jacket?", Melody asked hazily.

Giovanni looked at his jacket and back at Melody. Giovanni then asked for an exclamation.

"She is now partially colorblind. I'm afraid, she took multiple Poison Sting attacks to her head from a bunch of Weedles. Apparently she disturbed a nest"

Giovanni looked back at Melody.

"I'm also afraid that she is due in two weeks. The baby is expected to be born healthy", Nurse Joy said.

They were finally having a baby. But Melody will permanently be unable to see correct colors. Giovanni sighed and took Melody home.

Two Weeks Later:

Melody was awakened by a frantic Nurse Joy. She said the baby was supposed to be born in a couple minutes. Giovanni was sweating. He had removed his jacket, and was red-faced.

"It is time", Nurse Joy said.

A couple minutes later, a baby was lying in Giovanni's arms. It had short, red hair. Giovanni held out the baby to Melody. She stared for a moment at the baby, then said "Silver".

"Honey, he has Red hair. Not Silver", Giovanni said calmly.

"Silver"

Giovanni gave in. He finally had a son, Silver. Then Melody began to shout and cry.

"Nurse!" Giovanni yelled.

"She is dying!" the Nurse yelled.

"Why?!"

"For unexplained reasons!"

"Fix it!"

"I-I can't! I don't know what's happening!"

Melody settled down. But her eyes closed and her heart beat slowed, then stopped.

"We've lost her", Nurse said. "I'm so sorry Giovanni"

Giovanni pulled his top hat over his face to hide the tears in his eyes, and left with Silver. Silver was sleeping soundly, but Giovanni was not so well. Something snapped in his body today. It was friendship. It was love. It was family. It was love for Pokemon. Giovanni was a changed man. Not in a good way, a bad way.
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Last edited by Astinus; June 12th, 2013 at 10:14 AM.
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Old June 11th, 2013, 07:43 PM
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This is very very rushed. Which hurts your story a lot. Particularly in a part like this:

Quote:
"Nurse!" Giovanni yelled.

"She is dying!" the Nurse yelled.

"Why?!"

"For unexplained reasons!"
A very quick Google search would have found you any plausible reason to have Melody die from delivering Silver. The way it is now, it's more humorous than anything because it's completely random.

The other reason why there's no emotional impact is because we don't see what Melody means to Giovanni. We don't see their relationship, how they interact, how they affect one another. So when Melody dies and it completely changes Giovanni's life, it doesn't make the reader feel anything because there was nothing there. It's hollow and empty.

Speaking of researching things, if Melody is due to have a completely healthy baby, she would have known well before two weeks before the due date. Then she might have not been so willing to wander alone in a forest where she could have been killed and risk her baby's life. Especially if she and Giovanni have been wanting this baby for quite some time.

Take your time when writing this. As I said, you're rushing through the story, and it's hurting the plot and the characters. Develop the relationship between Melody and Giovanni more so that when she dies, the reader feels the pain Giovanni goes through and understands why he becomes the man that he does. (Also, it's really not that he hates Pokemon. He just only sees them as a way to make money.) Research some health-related ideas so Melody dies for a better reason than just because she needs to (which really reminds your reader that they're reading a story). Don't just go for the clichéd answer to why Giovanni is the way that he is. Go deeper and think of more ideas before writing the first one.

Also, read over your story before you post it. That way, you can avoid mistakes like this:
Quote:
Giovanni was greeted by Nurse Joy, ass they walked to where Melody was being kept.
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Old June 12th, 2013, 04:22 AM
BenGames,Films, and More!'s Avatar
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I do see your point on how I'm kind of speeding up. I have trouble converting my thoughts to good-solid text. And that first part was supposed to be a prologue kind of thing. I should probably add Prologue. I may also ask you to combine my last post with my first post, please. Thank you for your help.
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Old June 12th, 2013, 10:20 AM
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Merged you posts. It's not a problem for me to do that. And whenever you're ready to change your title, just let me know and I can do that too!

And I completely understand about your trouble. I have that too when writing. What I find helps for me is to just rush through those parts and then wait a few days to read over what I wrote. That way, I'm not in a hurry to get my thoughts down, and I can look to see what I wrote and any details I need to add or anything I need to fix. There's no rush to get your story posted to the forums, so take your time!

Let me know if you have any questions about anything. I'd be happy to help you out.
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