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  #1    
Old June 4th, 2013, 08:59 AM
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Decided to prompt for the Flash Fiction Challenge. It has been awhile since I updated or wrote anything, so I decided to work versatility while keeping myself fresh.

Please, do tell me what you think.
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His knees were pressured by the gravel beneath him. It hurt, but he couldn't focus on the painful sensation that his nerves sent to the brain.
It never occurred to Jimmy what the risks were in this game he had been playing. Ash made it look so easy. Gary made it look so easy. It made him forget that a Pokemon's life was just that.
Life.
And with life, there was always going to be death.
Jimmy knelt at the side of his Beedrill, squashed with its internal organs completely crushed. Its blood and fluids ran beneath his knees.
"I'm so sorry!" The trainer cried exuberantly. "I'm really sorry!"
Jimmy toned it out. He couldn't hear anything beyond that last, blood-curdling cry from Beedrill as the Onix of the trainer bind it to its death.
Jimmy didn't blame the trainer. He was just playing his role. It was a battle, after all. He had them in gyms all the time. Whenever the Pokemon seemed out of it, the referee would call it off and declare a winner. There was no referee out here on the route though, was there? How were they supposed to know when enough was enough? They couldn't understand when death was drawing near. Neither could their Pokemon.
But it drew, bringing the curtain with it.
The young trainer had long ran off to grab a nurse from the nearest Pokemon Center off the route. It didn't matter to Jimmy. The battle, the journey, even his Typhlosion didn't matter to Jimmy in this moment. He was all alone. All alone with the audience of trees and rocks watching him in disappointment, Jimmy felt the pressure forcing him to his hands and knees. The tears that ran down his face now landed on the Beedrill he hovered over.
Maybe it was best if this is where he ended his journey.
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  #2    
Old June 14th, 2013, 11:27 PM
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Oh, this is nice and dark indeed.

It's always great to see how the Pokemon world can be twisted into something evil with only some logic given to it. Battles between two trainers happen all the time, but there is no referee to make sure the rules are kept and the Pokemon are safe. And this is what happens. I do wonder if either trainer knew that Beedrill was being killed, and if either one of them could have called for the Bind to stop. (It would be particularly evil if Onix's trainer did see it, and didn't call off his Pokemon.)

Quote:
It's blood and fluids ran beneath his knees.
Wrong form of "its" here. You're looking for no apostrophe, since "it's" is the contraction for "it is."

Quote:
Ash made it look so easy.
Ash is always the one I have in my mind for how simple and happy the life of a Pokemon trainer is shown to be.

This was great and I liked it. An interesting take on unofficial Pokemon battles and how they end.
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Old June 15th, 2013, 08:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
Oh, this is nice and dark indeed.

It's always great to see how the Pokemon world can be twisted into something evil with only some logic given to it. Battles between two trainers happen all the time, but there is no referee to make sure the rules are kept and the Pokemon are safe. And this is what happens. I do wonder if either trainer knew that Beedrill was being killed, and if either one of them could have called for the Bind to stop. (It would be particularly evil if Onix's trainer did see it, and didn't call off his Pokemon.)
When playing the games, I always wondered how trainers knew when to stop. I mean, on the TV shows, their eyes would give off the dazed look to help the viewer know when a Pokemon has fainted. The referee would catch the fainted Pokemon and quickly put a stop to the battle. However, if there isn't a referee, I don't see how a trainer would know the well-being of a Pokemon during battle. They don't see the exaggerated dazed eyes like we do. And then there are moves where they couldn't possibly know the condition of their Pokemon like Rock Tomb and Self-destruct. Plus, getting poisoned must have continued negative effects as well if a Pokemon isn't cleared up right away.

Just stuff I thought.


Quote:
Wrong form of "its" here. You're looking for no apostrophe, since "it's" is the contraction for "it is."
Can't believe I messed that up, I'm normally the authority on something like that. Correcting it.

Quote:
Ash is always the one I have in my mind for how simple and happy the life of a Pokemon trainer is shown to be.
Exactly, the guy's never experienced the pain of having a Pokemon die or become fatally wounded before his eyes. One's never been kidnapped long term and the only Pokemon that didn't listen to him was Charizard. All in all, he's gotten off lucky. I imagine a Youngster or something is laying face down in some forest after being poisoned by a bug Pokemon they were trying to catch.

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This was great and I liked it. An interesting take on unofficial Pokemon battles and how they end.
Thank you. Your opinion means the world to me.
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Old June 15th, 2013, 01:29 PM
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I loved your analysis of a trainer's felings when they lose their beloved Pokemon. There is nothing like Trainer angst out there I have got to say.
It kind of reminds us on how we may feel as trainers when we see our Pokemon get defeated. Trainers feel as if they have failed themselves in making protecting their Pokemon, not knowing when to withdraw. It isn't just a game like Ash or Gary make it seem to be.
I really like this. By chance, do you plan on making a sequel?
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  #5    
Old June 15th, 2013, 01:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Virgilin View Post
I loved your analysis of a trainer's felings when they lose their beloved Pokemon. There is nothing like Trainer angst out there I have got to say.
It kind of reminds us on how we may feel as trainers when we see our Pokemon get defeated. Trainers feel as if they have failed themselves in making protecting their Pokemon, not knowing when to withdraw. It isn't just a game like Ash or Gary make it seem to be.
I really like this. By chance, do you plan on making a sequel?
More than likely, I won't be able to make a direct sequel or a follow-up. Since the moment has already passed, the best I can do in following chapters would be expressing regret and the road to returning to being a trainer or quitting it altogether. Though it would be decent enough, it probably won't have the same impact as this particular prompt here.

However, I could work on a series of prompts that examines the lesser road of Pokemon fatalities. As I said previously, there are so many different situations in which a battle can become fatal outside of Gym battles. Not to mention, there are organizations like Team Rocket who can kidnap Pokemon successfully (outside of Jesse and James, it was made to seem like they often do). So, while I probably can't expand on this particular story the way that anyone wants, I could bring together a collection of stories that are particularly hard-hitting.
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Old June 16th, 2013, 05:44 AM
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I've seen this sort of story done before, and I think I prefer your version of it. More emotional impact with it, felt more personal and engaging with Jimmy's thoughts. A good job on the logic-applied take on battles. Even if blood and squished organs isn't a topic I'm too fond to read about usually. =p More stories of the sort isn't a bad idea either to take up there.

Quote:
It hurt, but he couldn't focus on the painful sensation that his nerves sent to the brain.
Minor, maybe 'his brain' is another way to consider writing it, but works both ways fine.
Quote:
"I'm so sorry!" The trainer cried exuberantly.
Here though, 'The' should be 'the'.
Quote:
The young trainer had long ran off to grab a nurse
This relates to the previous quote. At first it sounded like this was right after it had happened, when they were both at the battle, but now the trainer had already run off, which seems odd to me.

Despite those nitpicks I liked this. =)
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