These are the 3 entries from my blog I've liked the most, don't try to figure everything out, all these words were conceived mostly drunk. I understand perfectly what I was feeling when I wrote it, to make it simple it's the distance, losing friends, giving up on people and growing up. I enjoy taking random lines from songs, changing them up a little and then throwing them inside, where they fit best.
Just hope whoever reads this, kills some times. I find it entertaining to read, mostly because I barely remember writing them, but it's like I always know what comes next. Also, some lines were directed to some people. Like I said, It doesn't have to make sense.
Enjoy, I always enjoy feedback on the stuff I write, whether it's good or bad. It's already written so, the worst that can happen, is that the next time I write, I'll take whatever people said in consideration.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing really bothers her
Well I haven't seen you since last year and you've broken from tradition, broken your visions of the future and trust me, I'm not solving, not helping nor am I saying you are pretending, but admit it, you are alone. You are tempting disaster and surprisingly you forgot our names. Helpless and without helping, you're a fashion, an act, a fad... A fading trend. I've fancied you with such a passion, but I no longer have kind words. Don't build your world around volcanoes, you'll only end up melting down and you'll give me miles of mountains, space and skies, while seas is what I'm aching for.
You are just testing your self, you are what the other's see and no one really thinks you're special, I personally don't think I'm cool, you're just probably alright, sadly you've decided to leave yourself behind, you'd save the world so that you don't have to change yourself, so that you don't have to save yourself from the things that follow you and don't leave you alone. It must've certainly been very hard to have lived and never learned to be okay with who you are or to find the real path on your own. Under these lights you might even look beautiful but you continue to struggle and you think everyone's been eating out of your hands by digging deep inside yourself, because you know deep inside you don't even look the same.
To even try and fill my sorrows with all the words you've borrowed, I live like never before because there's nothing for me to give. You've forsaken yourself to the only place you've ever known, if it means nothing to you, why do you ask for more? And I know you are not scared, you just do it when no one's watching, you just do it when we're alone. You are compromising what you are, what you will. Thrown about again and I'm treading lightly right behind you, while you keep on playing everyone's doe, terrified, kneeled down, looking for a sign that you are still alive... And it's no use deceiving, you don't really want to be alone but I know that I won't find you once I'm home.
Don't drag my love around, I kissed your mouth and back, and trust me that is all I'd ever need, what I am to you is not what you mean to me, this is nothing new, just another face from what we've already lived and you are the one who'd leave me with the waste, is that alright? To be thinking of you or of someone new at this time, it's like a crime and you've got no excuse. And you, someone who's life goes easy on, able to forget the breeze. Instead you wake up like a baby, unable to stand on your own, surrendering to gravity. The shorter story... Still a bit of your taste in my mouth. Still a little hard to say what's going on? Why would I catch you, when you are the one who's taught me to fall? And don't you tell me it's more delicate than that.
Sleep, don't weep darling, your face is all wet, because your days were rough. So do what you must do to fill that hole, buy yourself another pair of shoes to comfort the soul, and thanks for the help in those times that I was broke, when you supposedly stood strong, more like a leave sitting on the ground, good for nothing except for kicking around. I think I found a place where I feel I will. So may river never dry and may your mouth never lie, may you be satisfied to never know why there's always someone who carelessly implies, there's always questions no one asks. Now I've served my time and I've watched you climb the wrong incline. But what I never really knew, is that, all these empty metaphors, you will never understand, not even the 100th time around. Maybe I didn't hold you quite as good as I should have, but I guess I did always tell you quite as often as I could have. Of all the little things I should have never said and done, for those I took the time and now I'm just writing up words that I can't quite speak out.
And I'm not trying to forgive, am just trying to forget and I never found myself so low, and you know it, you knew it all along. I could have knocked off the evening, but you took him all the way through and in my own way, I lost all in what I used to believe and you let me down, as much as I've left you down, but I'm not trying to move on, am just trying to let go. And telling myself this has got to stop, this has got to die, you can keep me pinned somehow. I take it, I'm your crutch, but it's way easier to tease, it's way easier to touch, why do you have to lie? I mean, it's not like you can make me happy... no wait, that was a blatant lie.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- From here on, it’s instinctual, why aren't you there yet?
Comprehension it’s something I gave up a long time ago, that’s how far I've come with this, lets us turn this table around, it’s your time to explain me now, why is it I still try so hard? Let’s agree it’s the better part of me, but even if fate is what we make out of it, I wonder how we strayed so far from things, I wonder how I still took the time to explain the unexplainable to the uncomprehending. That’s pretty much the things that make me want to stay inside my house and not go out to take you on, as if there’s so much more.
Everything you wanted to know and to see, and the time wasted on being selective about what to do first, well it’s sure not coming back. I guess coming this far, as to arrange time, to arrange people, I’m sure you thought it’d be so easy, that you’d really be able to decide, so confidently naïve. I say it's time we say Adieu, it angers me that you still have such undeveloped thoughts, but what am I to do, I just lied to myself and stood behind the wall, it’s you that doesn’t want to hear what you have to offer.
Leave a trail of fear if it’s what you’d rather do, but promise me one thing, will you? Don’t promise me anything ever again. Failure will be so much better when it’s become a fashion, it won’t take long and everyone’s waiting for you at the end of this race, because everyone failed long before you set out. Won’t make you feel any better to know, I get it, but why don’t you get it instead? Is it you forgot how good your world could be? Put down those hollow things; just don’t forget where you let them fall.
I’m tired of painting in black and white, I should've learnt to bent towards the sun, instead of bend the light for my own purpose. That must be why you treat me like the modern leper, when you just rattle through life out. And lying down on the ground, instead of walking through the only door you've made for yourself, expecting this go the way around, I guess you are as ill as me and I’m as dead as you are, well at least sit down to count what cares, I already did.
I guess it’s just as I said before “…The devil will find work for idle hands to do… …It’s just so sad, so pathetic, to waste this amount of words, for anyone who doesn't care to read…”', If only you’ve heard me out before, if only you’ve been more eager to read the things I mindlessly write, no, I'm being too selfish because it’s not about me, this one's totally on you… If only you've cared to see beyond your hands, and noticed how wrong you were about all this, I'm sure it would've make the difference, I did as best as I could, it’s a shame I didn't do it for me, but now we've come so far, I don't even know anymore, I guess it's time to part.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- You can't solve anything asleep
I guess cheating on my loneliness with intoxication is all have; the loneliness will be there once all it’s over anyway, yes, just like Kafka once said we would; I guess leading a life full of mistakes is better than leading a life doing nothing with, even when the best things come when one is not looking for them nor expecting them to happen doing nothing doesn’t really help. I won’t ask you the same old question.
Once you’ve faced the fact that trying to direct and plan your life step by step, you’re left with nothing but desires you will most likely not fulfil, it happens, those unfulfilled wishes you keep, the things that you can’t change, all that is untouchable, the distance and the pain, those are the things that will continue to live with you, those are the things that become, slowly, more and more a part of your life. I know it’s only distance but it feels just like the end.
My nights, they remain unchanged, they are always full with thoughts, they are always full with awareness, always so full of everything but sleep, so full of everything but rest. I think it’s being tired what at times keeps me sane, keeps me motivated and maybe even full of hope. I stay awake to deal with life, sleeping answers little to no questions, sleeping gives no time to thinking, no time for solving. Adamant resistance to my life lasting desires.
Maybe it’s because I find it hard to sleep when I’m concerned, I believe there’s always something I can do, write or say to convince myself that everything could be going worse, even at my worst, everything can always get worse. I hate dreaming and waking up and then having to deal with the reality shock, knowing I’m where I am, knowing you are where I’m not. Knowing you want to move on and all I want to do is be stuck with you. Oh, I’m not darling anymore, when you call now you just use my name.
At moments I find very poetic how half of your life is gone before we even know what life is, and I believe I still haven’t reached the point of no return in mine. I don’t want to fast forward but I really want to know before it’s too late for me. I’ll just stay alive with my pilled up smiles and my sloppy eyes.
All the things you borrowed, they just can’t be replaced.