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Old August 12th, 2013 (04:28 PM). Edited August 25th, 2013 by BourbonWhiskey.
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BourbonWhiskey BourbonWhiskey is offline
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"I nominate Jade for the school klutz position, Sir Martin." The whole room was filled with laughter as the guy who certainly knows-it-all gave his disturbing and stupid joke to the instructor in front. I actually don't give a damn on anything or anyone inside the room.

"That's very entertaining, Mister Francisco." said Sir Martin, a Latin, middle-aged Theology teacher, while positioning his thick glasses using his pointing finger. The class was silenced by the stare given by the strict professor.

There are many things in life that I don't fully understand. One of these, of course, is why people treat me like crap. I've been the kind of guy who finds it very hard to express himself. I am not very good with words. I only have but few friends on hand and we rarely do things together because of the different school schedules we have. We see each other occasionally and those times, I see them with their own respective friends. That is why instead of asking them to hang out, I usually just go straight home. It's complicated to live alone. At first, I find it very hard not being able to talk to someone, but I got used to it and now living with it. I don't believe those people wearing smiles on their faces portraying a happy character. I know deep down within them, there is despair lurking. I know that inside them, they are hurt. I don't believe that they have something that I don't have that makes them different that they are able to smile and laugh. They are liars. They deceit even themselves.

I usually think and review things like these whenever I stare plainly at the cloud-filled sky.

"Jade, would you care to share with us what you are thinking while dozing off in my class?" The class simply chuckled as Sir Martin caught my attention. Everyone seems quiet and excited at the same time to see me getting humiliated in front of class.

"I'd rather not, Sir." I answered, feeling a bit of guilt inside. The class laughed.

"Then stand up and answer my question, Jade." He ordered. I followed afterwards. I stood up quietly not wanting my chair make a noise. I left a sigh as I turn my face to him. He was wearing his stern look like he usually does. It never intimidated me even from the first time I saw him. I am used in seeing faces like that.

"Very well, Sir." I answered while looking straight into my instructor's eyes. People say it's rude to look straight into the eyes of someone superior to you, but I find it very natural. We are of the same level. He and I both know we are simply humans. He is never above me, never below me either.

"What comes in your mind when you hear the word 'Theology'?" All my classmates' eyes focused on me. It was a quite simple question that the girls in front of me are talking about how it will be easy for them if they were asked by that question. It is never hard to decode their expressions. I know that my classmates wants to see me speechless, or even just stutter when I answer the question. They love it when people gets their weaknesses exposed in the eyes of many. They are all the same.

"The first thing that comes into my mind is God, Sir. We all know and believe that God created all of us in equal eyes. No one has the right to claim that he is above anyone else. I sometimes wonder why people treat others differently than whom they can get benefit from. Humans are leeches. They cling to those who have many, and drain them completely. They go to the weak and even steal the strength that he has left. If someone has something, or even has nothing left, humans will still make a move that will hurt them, their fellow human beings. Humans are hypocrites. We lie so we can look good among others and get their favor. Then we rob them. We know so much about these things, that we tend to ignore them, because that's just the way we are. We pretend we do do not notice but at the back of our minds, we know how unclean our souls are. We are all the same, you and I. We are living in a world so corrupted that no one else should claim that they are clean. Our sinful nature is winning in our lives. Why then should we study God first? Shouldn't we focus more on the evil we posses before the divinity of God?"

"You may now take your seat." Sir Martin said while turning his back at me. The class was left speechless and stunned. That doesn't bother me at all. As Sir Martin faced us, he cleared his throat and gave the word that we can be dismissed.

I took my handbag with me as I left the room last without anyone noticing. I left the school gates as I realized something. The weather looked unhappy and raindrops started falling on my head. I began thinking about God being a little unfair. Was he not satisfied with my answer? Will I be punished for what I said even if it is the truth?

Why did God put all the people who only care for themselves on top? There are the corrupt politicians, greedy million-earning businessmen, and not to mention, bright headed classmates with unclean souls. I despise them. I despise all of them. Why did He gave me a life like this? My mother was abused and eventually died when she was still abroad working as a maid. She didn't deserve to be treated like that, but because of me, she endured but later on suffered too much than she can handle. My father left me when I was four years old because of a *****. My mother loved her dearly but what was her compensation? He was compensated with pain and suffering. My life is miserable. My life is something no one would wish to have. Not a soul will plan on doing so. There is nothing good in my life, not even a bit.

I hurriedly ran under a fairly large tree to wait for the rain to stop. As I lean on the huge tree trunk, I decided to sit and to dry myself off. My shoes are all covered with mud and I realized that my bag is also soaked. Good thing the towel half tucked in my pocket still has a dry portion. As I was wiping my head dry with the small towel, I started hearing dry coughs behind the tree I'm leaning on. I turned my head to see where the sound comes from.

"The weather's very gloomy today." said a girl wearing a pink sweatshirt. It seems like she got there first before me. Her voice and appearance makes me think that we share the same age. Her long cascading hair wraps her arms. Her skin is porcelain-like. Her eyes are somehow pale like rain. She's very different from the other girls I know. She doesn't look like studying in a school judging from the clothes she was wearing. I really don't have much clue on how to tell if a certain something or someone is beautiful… but all I know is that she has this aura that somehow brings a joyful melody in my heart. She gives off a soothing aroma that calms me. She was very relaxing to look at.

"Yes…" I answered while looking up at the angry sky.

"I'm very happy for the plants." A faint smile suddenly appeared on her face. I felt like she was waiting for me to give her a reply. It was the first time we saw each other, but she seems to be very friendly.

"Why do you feel happy for them?" I asked without looking at her or doing any gestures. I was really confused on why she suddenly said that.

"Because God is giving them more time to live so that they can soon bloom into their perfect shape." I heard honesty from the words she spoke… honesty and nothing more.

"I see…" What more can I say? I admire her for thinking that way, maybe it's because, I, too, wanted to grow into my perfect shape like the plants she spoke of.

"Mhae" I was surprised that she cut off the silence.

"Pardon…?"

"Mhae's my name. Can I ask for yours?"

I remained silent for a little while. I didn't know what to feel when she said her name but I know she wants me to tell her mine.

"Yes, people sometimes don't like to give off their names. I wonder why, though." She was chuckling a little bit. It was like she knows that I will introduce myself as well.

"Jan, Jan's my name" I added, as she spoke the last of her words.

"That's a very nice name." she said with a sound of delight.

"Yours too…" I answered back returning the compliment.

Silence filled the air as we both stared at the sky in opposite directions. Only raindrops can be heard. The sound of the million raindrops falling hardly from the sky down to the thirsty ground is dominating my ears. That's not something to brighten people… but I feel the opposite. I feel calm and regenerated.

"Jan…?" Once again, she broke the silence. Only this time, she sounds more serious.

"What is it, Mhae?" I replied.

"Will you stay with me for a bit longer?"

My eyes widened. I have never been with a girl this long and yet she asked me to stay.

"Will you?"

"I don't see a problem with that." I looked at her as I said those words.

"Thank you, Jan." She looked at me and gave me a smile. I have never seen an angel in real life but I can say that hers and an angel’s smile are identical.

I enjoyed every bit of the silence we shared. Echoes of her voice traveled through my mind even without saying a word. I feel happy just being with her. I can feel every beat of my trembling heart. What is this I'm feeling? The noise of the raging rain doesn't stop me from hearing her breathe. It's like we're somehow connected to each other. There is this bond that ties us together that I can't explain.

"I envy you." She whispered.

"I live a cursed life. There's nothing to be envious of. " It took me few seconds to say those words.

"... Nobody does. Everyone lives for something. I know you have something to value as well. Today, you may not know yet. But sooner, I am very sure you'll find out." I took a glimpse of her after speaking those words. I felt a heavy emotion attached to those words she spoke.

"Why do you speak this way?" Without any doubts, my heart delivered that question through my lips in the form of words. I finally felt this urge that I need in order for me to somehow express myself… to release my feelings.

"It's because… I feel so alone. I'm afraid to be alone, but it's inevitable." She hid her face under her arms as she cried softly. I don't know what kind of problem she's facing at that time. All I know is that she needs a friend to shed her tears and give her warmth of comfort… a friend who will fill the emptiness inside of her.

I hesitated at first, but… I sat beside her and leaned on the tree once again. I brushed her long black hair away from her face with my hand and gently wiped the tears on her cheek with my thumb. She then looked at me with a worried but sincere look. I stared at her eyes witnessing the beauty she posses. Her eyes were clear and her skin was very soft to touch. She was a being crafted into perfection. God showed me one of His best when she allowed me to meet Mhae.

"You're not alone now, aren't you?" I hear her breathing heavily. My heart's racing beat per beat. She looked at me with ease and touched my face with her warm hand.

"That's something I should thank God for." The rain slowly stopped the moment she let those words escape her lips. We stared directly through each other's eyes; it was like we were the only people living at that very moment. It's quite odd, though. I'm most certain I haven't felt this feeling before in my life. Never did I find someone whom I can express myself with. I live a life keeping almost everything to myself… except that day. That day, I was renewed. I was given hope by a person I started caring so much. I was eager to get going with life because I have a companion. For the first time in my whole life, I was not alone anymore.

"I'll accompany you home." She nodded. Both of us stood up as we went on our way. She told me a couple of things about her life that time. She told me that she's living with her widowed grandmother and that her parents died on a plane crash years ago when she was still in a very young age… younger than I was when I was left by my father. We suffered the same fate. Life didn't treat us in a very nice way... We experienced the most crucial point in life where a person might give up… but we didn't. Both of us kept the will to fight. We continued to pursue life even though it's harsh. Mhae and I shared things to each other day by day. I admire her views and perception in life. She's a strong-willed person and greets problems with a smile. Now, it is normal for me to hear the words "You can do it! I know you can!" whenever I am in a bind. I love it when she says "I'm here for you! No matter what!" whenever I need to face something. I always smile whenever she says "You make me fat with your cooking!" after serving her the dishes I learned to cook by living myself. Now, I always hear the words "Take care on your way home!", "I will be seeing you tomorrow!", and most of all, "We'll stay like this forever." I learned a lot from her each day when we're together. I learned the meaning of the words that I don't have a clue before. I was filled with glowing emotions, and I nurtured the feelings. We enjoyed each other's company. We started going out together, not as friends, but as lovers.


Few months have passed, Mhae called me using her phone. It was four in the afternoon and I still have few more hours until my next class starts. She usually just sends me a message asking me how my last class went and if I have eaten that time, so a call was very unusual and it left me puzzled.

"Jade, let's go to the old place and wait for the sunset." She said. I was surprised and happy at the same time. It got me very excited that I wanted to be there right away.

"I'll pick you up then." I know that we'll be going to the beach, where we always spend time swimming and just resting. That beach became the place where we can freely be who we are together.

"There's no need, I'm already here."

"I'll be going now, please wait for me." The beach we were talking about is not that far from our school so I got there in just a short moment. I saw her sitting on the sand as she faces the soon-to-set sun. It was a magnificent sight. The sky was covered with golden clouds, and the sea was still. I gently sat besides her not wanting her to be surprised.

"It's very beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is." I answered back as I held her hand.

"Jan, I want us to stay like this forever." She said in a sad tone.

"I do, too. You know that." I answered after some seconds.

"I love being with you."

"I know, I feel the same way too. Being with you, I know things are always going to stay good, and become even better." I looked at her, she looked at me too. Our eyes met as I leaned closer to her. My hand caressed her cheek down to her neck and pressed my lips gently unto hers. I wrapped my arms around her touching her smooth hair while kissing her. She then cuddled her arms around my neck not wanting me to let go. I felt every inch of the love she was offering me. It was amazing… everything in that moment is amazing.

As I let go of the kiss, I pressed my forehead with hers.

I smiled at her and said.. "I love you."

"You mustn't…" I withdrew my head and left a confused look to her. Tears began flowing down her eyes to her cheeks. It was the most painful sight I have ever seen in my life. I felt broken having to see her like that.

"Why?..." I asked, waiting for a clear answer coming from her.

"I have brain cancer. I had this when I'm still a kid. My doctor said that I can only live a few more days from now." Just when things are going right with me, I found out that the path I chose to follow still have thorns in it. My mind was completely blanked, my soul dimmed and my heart shattered into mass pieces. The girl I love the most, even more than myself, has only few days to live in this world. She stood up and sat behind me and gave me an embrace. I feel her shaking as she cried. I felt her tears fall on my neck. What else can I do? If I ask God a miracle that time, I'm sure He'll scold me and take Mhae away from me… because having Mhae in my once lonely life is already a miracle… I'm sure He won't allow that. I don't want to be greedy like the people I despise so much, but this is just so unfair. Life is very unfair. Why would He take away the most important person that cares for me, that treats me like nobody else does, that loves me?

"I thank God for having you. You made my days special. You made me feel special; you appreciate everything about me even though in the end… I'll just bring you trouble and pain."

"No, it's the other way around. It's your love that made me feel alive. You're the only reason I'm still living. You gave me the reason not to give up even though I’m struggling."

"Please don't say that… If only I would be given a chance to live much longer, I won't leave your side. I will spend every second of my life being with you."

"I love you, Mhae." as I kissed her.

I guess that's what life is all about. You'll have to pay back what you owe. God gave me Mhae to love and to cherish, but only for a short time and not forever. What is forever anyway? I feel so numb whenever I hear words like that. Mhae left me two days after she told me about her condition. Believe me; it's not easy to go on with life without someone that you know will empower you until the end. Mhae treated me so special and dear to her. Life is harsh, both May and I know that. She never gave up nor blames God for what He gave her. She told me not to abandon my faith. She told me that God has a plan for her and for me, and that I should depend solely on it and go on with life. I believe in Mhae. No matter what, I will not be shaken by anything. I will continue to believe in her. Every smile and laughter we shared together will never escape my memory. She'll stay in my heart whatever happens. I'll continue loving her until the last of my breath comes.
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  #2    
Old August 24th, 2013 (02:09 AM).
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Nolafus Nolafus is offline
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This is quite the interesting story you have here. I can see you were going for the emotional, heart jerking story. Since I like to end on a good note, I'll start with the negatives first.

Quote:
"That's very entertaining, Mister Francisco." said Sir Martin, a Latin middle-aged Theology teacher,
You want a comma between Latin and middle-aged since they're two adjectives in a row being used to describe a noun.

Quote:
I stood up quietly not making my chair make a noise.
The two consecutive "makes" take away from this sentence. I would reword it to get rid of one of the makes, preferably the first one.

Quote:
He wears his stern look like he usually does.
We go from past tense to present tense with the word "wears". I would revise it to go back to past tense, just to be consistent.

Quote:
Her cascade hair wraps her arms.
I'm not sure what you mean by "cascade" here. It's not a color that I know of, did you mean cascading hair?

Quote:
I have never seen an angel in real life but I can say that hers and an angel’s smile is very identical.
A couple things with this sentence. You should replace "is" with "are", since we're comparing two things. When you say "very identical", it's repetitive and unnecessary. Since identical means the same, adding onto that isn't necessary to get your point across.

Quote:
"…but there's still life, isn't it?" I took a glimpse of her after speaking those words.
This sentence sounds a little off to me. Just something I would consider revising.

Quote:
Awkward it is… I sat beside her and leaned on the tree once again.
The first part is an awkward read as is. I would experiment with a few things here to make it less awkward. I read the first part with Yoda's voice to be honest.

Quote:
I brushed her long cascade hair away from her face with my hand and gently wiped the tears on her cheek with my thumb.
Again with the cascade hair.

Quote:
May and I shared things to each other day by day.
I think you meant Mhae.

Quote:
"You mustn't…" I withdrew my head and left a puzzled look to her.
The second half could use some revising.

That's all of the grammar I caught, but I don't think that's the only way to improve the story. Try to work on showing v telling. Don't tell us the story, show us the story. Here's a little example of what I mean.
Quote:
"I'd rather not, Sir." I answered, feeling a bit of guilt inside. The class laughed.
Don't tell us he's felling a bit guilty, show us. What is his body language like? Is he blushing? How about making eye contact? Asking these sort of questions will help with showing instead of telling. This isn't something you can get right away, so just keep working at it.

As far as the story goes, I like the concept, but the emotion is missing. As the reader I'm not feeling that attached to the characters so I wasn't all that sad when Mhae revealed she was going to die in a couple days. Adding some emotion to your characters will help greatly with the connection they make to your readers.

I like the idea you have here. You have a person where no matter what, nothing seems to work out, even when he finds the love of his life. When she is taken away prematurely he decides to look at the positives and continue fighting than giving up. I feel that with some editing, this could really be an inspirational story.
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  #3    
Old August 25th, 2013 (07:06 PM).
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BourbonWhiskey BourbonWhiskey is offline
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Quote originally posted by Slayr231:

As far as the story goes, I like the concept, but the emotion is missing. As the reader I'm not feeling that attached to the characters so I wasn't all that sad when Mhae revealed she was going to die in a couple days. Adding some emotion to your characters will help greatly with the connection they make to your readers.

I like the idea you have here. You have a person where no matter what, nothing seems to work out, even when he finds the love of his life. When she is taken away prematurely he decides to look at the positives and continue fighting than giving up. I feel that with some editing, this could really be an inspirational story.
Before anything else, I would like to say thank you for reading my story and looking intently into it. To be honest, I was told that I have problems using tenses. They say I am inconsistent and I have proven them right many times. Now that you pointed that out as well, I am sure I am really missing something here. Thank you for reviewing the story, I will edit it right away and be sure to update you and ask for your review once again if you will have the spare time to do so. Please look forward to it and thank you once again.
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Old August 25th, 2013 (11:12 PM).
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Nolafus Nolafus is offline
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I like some of the edits you made and thought they added to the story, but there were still a few things I would change. This time I will also be going into this review focusing on more of the details.

Quote:
I actually don't give a damn on anything or anyone inside the room.
Once again you're telling. You're telling us he doesn't like anybody rather than showing. I also feel like this all of a sudden jumps out at you without any lead into it. I would recommend getting rid of it.

Quote:
"What comes in your mind when you hear the word 'Theology'?" All my classmates' eyes focused on me. It was a quite simple question that the girls in front of me are talking about how it will be easy for them if they were asked by that question. It is never hard to decode their expressions. I know that my classmates wants to see me speechless, or even just stutter when I answer the question. They love it when people gets their weaknesses exposed in the eyes of many. They are all the same.
A couple things here. First of all, I would cut out the part where the girls start talking. It's not entirely necessary and you're telling us that they know the answer, or at least the answer they would give. Second of all, I love the last couple of sentences. It really makes the story more believable and connected to the modern world. I'm not entirely sure how, but it hit a really good note.

Quote:
"You may now take your seat." Sir Martin said while turning his back at me. The class was left speechless and stunned. That doesn't bother me at all. As Sir Martin faced us, he cleared his throat and gave the word that we can be dismissed.
So right after Jade gives his answer, the class is supposed to stand in awe at the majesty of his words, but instead of giving the reader that feel, however, you have a character speak immediately after. I would move that dialogue to the back of that section, instead of it being front and center to help with the effect I think you're going for.

Quote:
Now, it is normal for me to hear the words "You can do it! I know you can!" whenever I am in a bind. I love it when she says "I'm here for you! No matter what!" whenever I need to face something. I always smile whenever she says "You make me fat with your cooking!" after serving her the dishes I learned to cook by living myself. Now, I always hear the words "Take care on your way home!", "I will be seeing you tomorrow!", and most of all, "We'll stay like this forever." I learned a lot from her each day when we're together. I learned the meaning of the words that I don't have a clue before.
Once again, you're telling. I know you're trying to add to the feeling of love by adding all these quotes, but in fact, you're doing the opposite. As the reader I got a little bored with this and ended up skipping it.

Quote:
Few months have passed,
I would put an "A" at the beginning of that sentence.

Quote:
My mother loved her dearly but what was her compensation? He was compensated with pain and suffering.
I'm not sure who is who at this point. I would love to provide some feedback to this statement, but currently, I can't understand it.

Quote:
"Jan, Jan's my name" I added, as she spoke the last of her words.
I thought his name was Jade. D:

Quote:
"Jan…?" Once again, she broke the silence.
Jade

Quote:
"I live a cursed life. There's nothing to be envious of. " It took me few seconds to say those words.
In order to get the paused feel you want here, try saying "It took me a few seconds to speak up," before the dialogue since right now it feels like he speaks up immediately after.

Quote:
God showed me one of His best when she allowed me to meet Mhae.
Right here you say God is both a man and a woman. I would pick one, which from the Bibile, if I remember correctly, is a man.

Quote:
"I'll accompany you home." She nodded.
Who says this? I noticed with a lot of your dialogue, you don't write down who's saying it. It's best to put something there at the end, or before, to let us know, but more detail on that later.

Quote:
She told me a couple of things about her life that time.
I think you need an "at" right between "life" and "that".

Quote:
"Jan, I want us to stay like this forever." She said in a sad tone.
Jade

Quote:
"You mustn't…" I withdrew my head and left a confused look to her.
"and left a confused look on my face" would work our much better I think. Although, you're still telling, but I'll give more detail on that later.

Quote:
"Why?..." I asked, waiting for a clear answer coming from her.
"waiting for a clear answer to come from her." Would work out better, in my opinion.

Quote:
"I have brain cancer. I had this when I'm still a kid. My doctor said that I can only live a few more days from now."
"I had this since I was a little girl." Would work out better and "from now" doesn't need to be there.

Quote:
I found out that the path I chose to follow still have thorns in it.
Replace "have" with "had some". I must say, I love this sentence though.

Quote:
The girl I love the most, even more than myself, has only few days to live in this world.
Another sentence I really liked.

Quote:
She stood up and sat behind me and gave me an embrace.
Too many "and's" here. I would replace the first and with a comma.

Quote:
She never gave up nor blames God for what He gave her.
I would put a comma between "up" and "nor", just to clarify that you're switching over to a new idea. I do love this sentence though.

Quote:
Every smile and laughter we shared together will never escape my memory.
"Every smile and laugh we shared..." Would work out better.

Okay, so we have some things to work on, but we also have some things I loved about this. I'll take the liberty to explain a few ideas that could greatly improve your writing skills.

Showing v telling, is one of the hardest things to do while writing. It takes literally, years to master and even professional writers struggle with it. Let me take an example of your writing and show you what I mean.
Quote:
"I'd rather not, Sir." I answered, feeling a bit of guilt inside. The class laughed.
So here we have you telling the reader that Jade feels guilt and that the class laughed. Now I'm not the greatest at showing, but here's what I would change it to.

"I'd rather not sir" I answered, my eyes darting to the floor and my face turning red as the sound of laughter from my fellow classmates reaches my ears.

By asking simple questions like, What is his body language like? How does he react to his surroundings? Why is he feeling guilty? I showed the reader what he was feeling. It's an incredibly hard skill and to help clarify what I just said, I sent you a PM containing a link to an article I found very helpful.

Now what about this dialogue? The current way you write dialogue makes it very difficult to understand who's talking at times. I would recommend changing it to something like this.

"I'll be going now, please wait for me." I said slamming down the phone into the receiver and racing out the door.

The beach we were talking about is not that far from our school so I got there in just a short moment. I saw her sitting on the sand as she faces the soon-to-set sun. It was a magnificent sight. The sky was covered with golden clouds, and the sea was still. I gently sat besides her not wanting her to be surprised.

Dialogue is special and requires it's own space in the story.

I guess I should elaborate on more emotion with your characters. After some pretty deep thinking, here is my theory. Ever character you possibly come up with already has a stereotypical character that it will fit into. They key is giving your stereotypical characters quirks in their character to make them different than everything else. Stereotypical characters are very two-dimensional and flat. In other words, readers won't fall in love with those characters. The quirks that you give your characters are what brings your character to life. In fact, it's not the character that the audience falls in love with, it's the quirks. If that makes any sense. This aspect of writing was newly brought to my attention, so that's pretty much all the details I can give you since I'm new at it myself. XD

That's everything that I can think of to tell you. Your story is shaping up really nicely and I'm starting to hear voice with the writing. What I mean is that it doesn't sound like a robot is telling me the story and that the writing is starting to show emotion. So whatever you're doing, it's a step in the right direction.
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Alistar
The Minotaur

I'll carry you early game,
So you can carry me late.




"Nothing can hold me back"
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