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  #1    
Old September 1st, 2013, 09:13 PM
T!M
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Georgia, United States
Age: 22
Gender: Male
Nature: Serious

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Once upon a time, there was a hero by the name of Timothius Lafavio. A ladies man, Timothius often sought female companionship. In his hometown as Crotchroth he knew a lovely lady by the name of Niximous Joykillious, gorgeous and beautiful. Very resentful towards men, she spurned any romantic advance by any male figure who approached her.

After months, Timothius had worked up the courage to speak to Lady Joykillious. That day would be the day he would approach her. Just as he stepped out of his home and began to make his way to Niximous' usual resting spot a giant shadow passed over the town and a raspy cackle sounded from above. A giant green talon snatched Niximous from the street and what appeared to be an enormous green dragon, disappeared over the giants mountains to the north, with Niximous in his clutches.

Timothius thought that rescuing her from the dragon would provide a reason not to turn him down if he asked to be hers.

He needed information however, on the dragon. He headed to the Crotchroth Pub and spoke to the old hermit who spent his days there. He was sure to know.

The old man said to Timothius; The Dragon's name is Jayasaur and he resided on the inside of Mount Poop. He assured Timothius that the mountain itself was not made of fecal matter, much to Timothius' relief. The man told Timothius the only way there was the Griffin Hut over the Crotchroth River. Timothius thanked the hermit for his help and left the pub.

Timothius had planned his journey, tomorrow, at dawn, he would travel to the Griffin Hut and travel from there to Mount Poop. He stopped at an Inn between Crotchroth and the river and met with a handsome knight. Sir Amadaous of the Imaginary Knights, confused, Timothius asked why his guild was called the Imaginary Knights and the Knight simply responded; "Because we do not exist." The Knight offered his imaginary steed for Timothius' bravery and passion for wanting to rescue Niximous. The steed's name was Sir Colopaguss.

The next morning Timothious mounted Sir Colopaguss and began his journey across the river. After several hours of riding he had made it to the Griffin Hut. Timothious dismounted and entered.

A large Griffin stood at a long wooden bar wearing a straw visor. "Welcome to Griffin Hut may I take your order."

Timothius requested the aid of a Griffin to ferry him to Mount Poop. The Griffin, skeptical, asked of his business at Mount Poop and Timothius told him.

The Griffin, touched, offered one of his best brothers, Petreous, to take Timothious to Mount Poop. The Griffin did say however that his horse would have to remain.

Timotious smirked and responded. "Worry not, he does not exist."

The arrangements were made and the Griffin bee lined to Mount Poop. When high above the mountain Petrous flipped upside down and caused Timothious to tumble uncontrollably downwards towards the side of the mountain.

Timothious crashed into the wall, which was surprisingly soft and sunk right through it and landed in a thick, brown ooze contained in a fountain below, some of it got in Timothious' mouth. He licked his lips. "Chocolate." Timothious climbed from the fountain and stood before the mighty Dragon, Jayasaur. Timothious cried out to the dragon. "Where is the fair maiden you stole a day ago?" the Dragon huffed and without moving it's mouth, it's high pitched voice echoed through the soft walls on the inside of the mountain. "She is here." Timothious raised an eye-brow. "How do you speak, beast, without moving your lips?" The dragon responded. "Because it is not the beast that speaks."

Suddenly a rapid shuffling could be heard, and from under the tail of the dragon a dog-sized 6-legged spider crawled out. "My name is Zachidimous, I am but a parasite that feasts on the crust of this dragon buttocks." Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."

The spider lunged at poor Timothious fearing, not for his life, but for his cleanliness. He kicked the spider off of him and stepped on it's head.

The dragon growled menacingly at Timothious but stopped and spoke with a deep but soft and soothing voice. "Thank you," he said. "That parasite had plagued me for many days. I brought the women here in the hopes that it would use her as a host and leave me be. Although my intentions may not have been pure, I have no quarrel with you and so, I leave you in peace." The dragon flapped it's mighty wings and pushed through the soft walls of the mountain.

Niximous ran from a hall way at the end of the room and saw Timothious. It was now or never.

Timothious approached Niximous, set on one knee and took her hand. "Fair lady of Crotchroth, would you be mine, I have traveled far to rescue you and gone through much, met many people and characters, all in the hopes, that a day ago I would be able to be with you. Will you, will you be mine, lady?" Niximous scoffed and wrenched her hand from his grasp. "As if, do you have a ride out of here?"

With no Griffin to take them home and no way to escape the mountain. Timohious and Niximous lived together-apart in Mount Poop, eating chocolate for the rest of their days.

By Trainer Timothy
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  #2    
Old September 2nd, 2013, 01:55 AM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
So here we have a whimsical little tale about love, travels, and disappointment. Not to mention a quite disturbing mountain. It's time for a (somewhat) serious review, for a not so serious story.

Quote:
Just as he stepped out of his home and began to make his way to Niximous' usual resting spot a giant shadow passed over the town and a raspy cackle sounded from above.
You need a comma after "spot".

Quote:
and the Knight simply responded; "Because we do not exist."
Dialogue is special, it requires its own space in stories. Make sure the dialogue, with the text tied to the dialogue, is in its own separate space.

Quote:
After several hours of riding he had made it to the Griffin Hut.
You need a comma after "riding".

Quote:
"Welcome to Griffin Hut may I take your order."
You need a comma after "Hut", and a question mark instead of a period since the griffin is asking a question.

Quote:
Timothious crashed into the wall, which was surprisingly soft and sunk right through it and landed in a thick, brown ooze contained in a fountain below, some of it got in Timothious' mouth. He licked his lips. "Chocolate."
What do you mean by wall? Do you mean the mountain side? I would make this a little more clear. You also need a comma after "soft". Oh, and eww.

Quote:
Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."
You need to put this in its own little space since it's a new person talking. I do agree with Timothious though, what he said could be applied to just about the entire story.

Quote:
Niximous scoffed and wrenched her hand from his grasp. "As if, do you have a ride out of here?"
Once again, since it's a new person talking, new space.

Quote:
With no Griffin to take them home and no way to escape the mountain. Timohious and Niximous lived together-apart in Mount Poop, eating chocolate for the rest of their days.
I would replace the first period with a comma since the first sentence sounds more like a lead-into for the next sentence. What a crummy ending...

Your biggest weakness right now, seems to be knowing when to space out the dialogue. If you need an example, I edited a part of your story from this:
Quote:
Suddenly a rapid shuffling could be heard, and from under the tail of the dragon a dog-sized 6-legged spider crawled out. "My name is Zachidimous, I am but a parasite that feasts on the crust of this dragon buttocks." Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."
To this:
Quote:
Suddenly a rapid shuffling could be heard, and from under the tail of the dragon a dog-sized 6-legged spider crawled out. "My name is Zachidimous, I am but a parasite that feasts on the crust of this dragon buttocks."

Timothious simply said. "Disgusting."
You seperate dialogue out from normal paragraphs and between different people. It just help with the mess and makes it easier to tell who is talking at any given point in time.

A lot of this story didn't exactly make sense, but yet, I get the feeling that it wasn't supposed to. The names were awful, the landmarks were disgusting, and the ending sucked. In other words, I think everything you were trying to get across, came across. It was a nice little story, although I wasn't laughing out loud, it did bring a smile to my face.
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