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  #1    
Old September 2nd, 2013 (04:40 PM). Edited September 3rd, 2013 by Destiny.
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Destiny
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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About 2 years ago, I was very stupid. I thought I was a great writer, and so decided I would write a fic about N X Hilda, and the result was a very shoddy, poorly written mess. I decided that, two years later I would pick it up and rewrite it, only keeping the basic idea, and so here it is:

Ferris Wheel: Chapter I

“Hilda!” The shouting voice of a worried mother came swiftly down Route 1, and into the ears of the intended recipient. A young girl was skipping away in a world of her own as she caught the faint call. The voice came again. She paused, mid-skip and turned on the spot. The wind breezed through her flowing brown hair. The voice was extremely familiar to her, being that of her mother’s. Immediately, she darted toward the voice. She reached her mother, who was waving a white cap around, emblazoned with a crimson pokéball.

“Hilda, my darling you've forgotten your cap! My, it’s such a bright day you must need it, surely!”
“Of course mother, you know how forgetful I am!” Hilda laughed.
“Well, take care! I’ll be thinking about you!”

Hilda took her cap, placed it on her head, and with that, she was off. Bolting up the long and grassy route, passing the trees dotted here and there. Other people were there too, most likely other Pokémon trainers. Her thoughts began to surround her - so many questions floating around: Would she meet new friends? How many Pokémon would she catch? The daydreams had piled up so much, it wasn't until she tripped over a small creature she awakened to reality. Dusting her clothes off, Hilda picked herself off the ground, only to find she had been entered into conflict. The small creature she had tripped over turned out to be a wild Lillipup. Jumping at her first chance to use her Pokémon, she leapt into the air with delight.

“Snivy, go!”

The pokéball span from her hand and crashed into the floor, splitting open to reveal a small green Pokémon. Quickly, she whipped out her pokédex to properly identify the Pokémon she had encountered. The pokédex explained the puppy Pokémon’s features and traits. Lillipup charged at Snivy, knocking him straight back to his trainer’s feet. Hilda shouted the command for Snivy to tackle back - and he did just that. Nimbly dashing toward Lillipup, then delivering a deadly blow to his face. Lillipup let out a wail as he retorted with a tackle of his own. Snivy was knocked off his feet and now seemed very weak. He stood up carefully, and with the last of his strength, sprinted towards Lillipup.

“Snivy!” came the cry as the two collided heads.

Lillipup fell to the ground, unable to move as Hilda was jumping for joy. Her first ever Pokémon battle was over. She was ecstatic! She continued on her journey through the route, trying her best to avoid the grassy patches. A while later she reached Accumula Town and Professor Juniper was waiting for her.

"Ah! Hello Hilda!”

Juniper smiled as she saw the first of her apprentices arrive. The pair went inside of the Pokémon Center, which was overridden with many like Hilda, young trainers taking their first steps into the world of Pokémon. The professor proceeded to give Hilda a tour.

“Aaaand finally, here we have the main desk where you can heal your pokemon. Try it!”

Hilda shyly introduced herself and handed over Snivy. Seconds later, the pokeball was returned to her!

“Thank you, please come back any time!”

Hilda exited the building. She looked over to the plaza, as she saw there was some sort of commotion. A man stood up and began to talk.

"Ahem. My name is Ghetsis. I am here representing Team Plasma. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I
would like to talk to you about Pokémon liberation.”

Hilda was curious. Pokemon liberation? She pushed her way into the crowd to see the presentation.

"I'm sure most of you believe that we humans and Pokémon are partners that have come to live together because we want and need each other. However... Is that really the truth? Have you ever considered that perhaps we humans... only assume that this is the truth? Pokémon are subject to the selfish commands of Trainers... They get pushed around when they are our ‘partners’ at work... Can anyone say with confidence that there is no truth in what I'm saying?"

Hilda was starting to wonder. Was this true? Mid-way through the man’s speech, Hilda noticed a strange looking boy with long green hair wearing a cap similar to hers. She looked away and back to the man, who continued to talk.

"That's right! We must liberate the Pokémon! Then, and only then, will humans and Pokémon truly be equals. Everyone, I end my words here today by imploring you to consider the relationship between people and Pokémon... and the correct way to proceed. We sincerely appreciate your attention." The man and all his minions walked off.

Some of the crowd began questioning each other and chatting. Just as Hilda began to think about the topic presented to her, she was interrupted by the strange boy she had noticed previously.

“Can’t you hear it?” The boy questioned, sounding almost desperate.
“The sound of your Pokémon? It’s speaking you know! And what’s that in your hand? A pokédex? You’re prepared to trap hundreds for that? Whatever, let me battle you, I must hear more of your Pokémon!”

A smirk came from beneath the cap...
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  #2    
Old September 3rd, 2013 (12:56 AM).
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Nolafus
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Okay, here it seems we have an OT (Original Trainer) story. There are a couple pitfalls you should avoid if you choose this genre, but I'll get to those later.

Quote:
A young girl was skipping away in a world of her own as she paused. The voice came again. She paused, mid-skip and turned on the spot.
Saying Hilda paused twice is a little redundant, unless she starts skipping again, which it doesn't say. I would get rid of one of the pauses.

Quote:
Lillipup charged at Snivy, knocking him straight back to his trainer’s feet.
Hilda shouted commands at Snivy, and the attacks came back and forth.
Eventually, her first Pokémon battle was over.
The novelty still hadn’t worn off however, as she was still buzzing from the experience.
What happened? Here we get a battle, which can be very exciting, with nothing going on. We don't even know if the Lillipup was caught. I would flesh out this part of the story to make it a little more exciting.

Quote:
"Pokémon are subject to the selfish commands of Trainers...
I would get rid of the quotation marks at the beginning of the quote, as this is already in the middle of someone speaking.

Quote:
"That's right! We must liberate the Pokémon!
Then, and only then, will humans and Pokémon truly be equals.
Everyone, I end my words here today by imploring you to consider the relationship between people and Pokémon... and the correct way to proceed. We sincerely appreciate your attention." The man and all his minions walked off.
Some of the crowd began questioning each other and chatting.
Who is speaking here? Ghetsis was speaking earlier, so one could assume he is speaking, however, N was the last character mentioned, so I originally assumed it was him speaking. I would clarify that.

That's all I caught for grammar, but there is one formatting problem I seem to encounter again and again. You press the "enter" key a few too many times. Here's what I mean:
Quote:
"That's right! We must liberate the Pokémon!
Then, and only then, will humans and Pokémon truly be equals.
Everyone, I end my words here today by imploring you to consider the relationship between people and Pokémon... and the correct way to proceed. We sincerely appreciate your attention." The man and all his minions walked off.
Some of the crowd began questioning each other and chatting.
Here, you started a new line after just about every sentence. That is unnecessary as starting a new line only comes in after starting dialogue, or starting a new paragraph. Even then there should be a space between them, as you seem to have down. There are exceptions to this, but this is a general rule. So the above dialogue would change to this:
Quote:
"That's right! We must liberate the Pokémon! Then, and only then, will humans and Pokémon truly be equals. Everyone, I end my words here today by imploring you to consider the relationship between people and Pokémon... and the correct way to proceed. We sincerely appreciate your attention." The man and all his minions walked off.

Some of the crowd began questioning each other and chatting.
As far as OT stories go, there are a few things you should avoid doing. One thing that should be avoided is copying the plot of the game. This makes the story very predictable, which makes it boring. Another thing is having your character a "Godly" character. This means that everything goes right for your trainer and no real conflict takes place. If no conflict takes place, it makes for an incredibly dry story. However, if you plan to stray away from the plot of the game, and make your trainer encounter some extremely challenging challenges, and possibly lose (at first), then go right ahead.

I can't say much about the story in general, as it is an almost exact copy of the game, plot wise. Your writing is good, although you need to work on fleshing out some aspects, and I see no glaring problems. All in all, a pretty good start to what could be a very interesting story. I'll look forward to the next update and what twists you decide to put in there.
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  #3    
Old September 3rd, 2013 (02:34 AM).
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Destiny
All the lights in the sky...
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
Okay, here it seems we have an OT (Original Trainer) story. There are a couple pitfalls you should avoid if you choose this genre, but I'll get to those later.

Saying Hilda paused twice is a little redundant, unless she starts skipping again, which it doesn't say. I would get rid of one of the pauses.

What happened? Here we get a battle, which can be very exciting, with nothing going on. We don't even know if the Lillipup was caught. I would flesh out this part of the story to make it a little more exciting.

I would get rid of the quotation marks at the beginning of the quote, as this is already in the middle of someone speaking.

Who is speaking here? Ghetsis was speaking earlier, so one could assume he is speaking, however, N was the last character mentioned, so I originally assumed it was him speaking. I would clarify that.

That's all I caught for grammar, but there is one formatting problem I seem to encounter again and again. You press the "enter" key a few too many times. Here's what I mean:
Here, you started a new line after just about every sentence. That is unnecessary as starting a new line only comes in after starting dialogue, or starting a new paragraph. Even then there should be a space between them, as you seem to have down. There are exceptions to this, but this is a general rule. So the above dialogue would change to this:
As far as OT stories go, there are a few things you should avoid doing. One thing that should be avoided is copying the plot of the game. This makes the story very predictable, which makes it boring. Another thing is having your character a "Godly" character. This means that everything goes right for your trainer and no real conflict takes place. If no conflict takes place, it makes for an incredibly dry story. However, if you plan to stray away from the plot of the game, and make your trainer encounter some extremely challenging challenges, and possibly lose (at first), then go right ahead.

I can't say much about the story in general, as it is an almost exact copy of the game, plot wise. Your writing is good, although you need to work on fleshing out some aspects, and I see no glaring problems. All in all, a pretty good start to what could be a very interesting story. I'll look forward to the next update and what twists you decide to put in there.
Thank you for this!
Your first point is definitely a mistake on my part, probably due to to fact I was writing at about 1AM. I'll change it, because I know what I wanted it to say.

Oddly enough, the reason I made the battle short is because I didn't feel I could confidently write a battle, but there's no harm in trying.

That's another mistake, from lack of complete proofreading.
You're right again there, the N / Ghetsis mixup needs clarifying.
The formatting can be easily tweaked too.

As for your comments on the plot, you'd be right in thinking this chapter follows the story exactly, but I do plan to have the outcome different.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and review my little fanfic, I will edit it and put in the changes necessary!
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