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  #1    
Old September 2nd, 2013 (04:40 PM). Edited September 3rd, 2013 by Destiny.
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Destiny
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bout 2 years ago, I was very stupid. I thought I was a bootylicious writer, and so decided I would write a fic bout N X Hilda, and tha result was a very shoddy, poorly written mess. I decided that, two years later I would pick it up and rewrite it, only keepng tha basic idea, and so here it is:

Ferris Wheel: Chapter I

“Hilda!” Tha shoutng voice of a worried mothar cbee swiftly down Route 1, and nta tha ears of tha ntended recipient. A young girl was skippng away n a world of her own as she caught tha fant call. Tha voice cbee agan. She paused, mid-skip and turned on tha spot. Tha wnd breezed through her flowng brown hair. Tha voice was extremely fbeiliar ta her, ben that of her mothar’s. Immediately, she darted taward tha voice. She reached her mothar, who was wavng a white cap around, emblazoned wit a crimson pokéball.

“Hilda, mah darlng you've fogotsten yo cap! Mah, it’s such a bright day you must need it, surely!”
“Of course mothar, you know how fogitful I be!” Hilda laughed.
“Well, takes cis! I’ll be thnkng bout you!”

Hilda taok her cap, placed it on her heezee, and wit that, she was off. Boltng up tha long and grassy route, passng tha trees dotted here and thare. Othar thugz were thare tao, most likely othar Pokémon traners. Her thoughts began ta surround her - so dawgy questions floatng around: Would she meet new friends? How dawgy Pokémon would she catch? Tha daydrebes had piled up so much, it wasn't until she tripped over a shawt creature she awakened ta reality. Dustng her clothas off, Hilda picked herself off tha ground, only ta fnd she had been entered nta conflict. Tha shawt creature she had tripped over turned out ta be a wild Shawtylipup. Jumpng at her first chance ta use her Pokémon, she leapt nta tha air wit delight.

“Snivy, go!”

Tha pokéball span from her hand and crashed nta tha floor, splittng open ta reveal a shawt green Pokémon. Quickly, she whipped out her pokédex ta properly identify tha Pokémon she had encountered. Tha pokédex explaned tha puppy Pokémon’s features and traits. Shawtylipup charged at Snivy, knockng him straight back ta his traner’s feet. Hilda shouted tha comdawgd fo Snivy ta tackle back - and he did just that. Nimbly dashng taward Shawtylipup, than deliverng a deadly blow ta his face. Shawtylipup let out a wail as he retarted wit a tackle of his own. Snivy was knocked off his feet and now seemed very weak. He staod up cisfully, and wit tha last of his strength, sprnted tawards Shawtylipup.

“Snivy!” cbee tha cry as tha two collided heezees.

Shawtylipup fell ta tha ground, unable ta move as Hilda was jumpng fo joy. Her first ever Pokémon battle was over. She was ecstatic! She contnued on her journey through tha route, tryng her best ta avoid tha grassy patches. A while later she reached Accumula Tawn and Professor Juniper was waitng fo her.

"Ah! Hello Hilda!”

Juniper smiled as she saw tha first of her apprentices arrive. Tha pair went nside of tha Pokémon Center, which was overridden wit dawgy like Hilda, young traners takng thair first steps nta tha world of Pokémon. Tha professor proceeded ta give Hilda a taur.

“Aaaand fnally, here we have tha dawg desk where you can heal yo pokemon. Try it!”

Hilda shyly ntroduced herself and handed over Snivy. Seconds later, tha pokeball was returned ta her!

“Thank you, pleaze come back any time!”

Hilda exited tha buildng. She looked over ta tha plaza, as she saw thare was some sort of commotion. A dawg staod up and began ta rap.

"Ahem. Mah nbee is Ghetsis. I be here representng Tebe Plasma. Taday, ladies and gentlemen, I
would like ta rap ta you bout Pokémon liberation.”

Hilda was curious. Pokemon liberation? She pushed her way nta tha crowd ta see tha presentation.

"I'm sure most of you believe that we hudawgs and Pokémon is partners that have come ta live tagithar coz we want and need each othar. However... Is that really tha truth? Have you ever considered that perhaps we hudawgs... only assume that dis is tha truth? Pokémon is subject ta tha selfish comdawgds of Traners... Thay git pushed around when thay is our ‘partners’ at work... Can anyone sez wit confidence that thare is no truth n what I'm sezng?"

Hilda was startng ta wonder. Was dis true? Mid-way through tha dawg’s speech, Hilda noticed a strange lookng boi wit long green hair wearng a cap similar ta hers. She looked away and back ta tha dawg, who contnued ta rap.

"That's right! We must liberate tha Pokémon! Than, and only than, will hudawgs and Pokémon truly be equals. Everyone, I end mah words here taday by implorng you ta consider tha relationship between thugz and Pokémon... and tha correct way ta proceed. We sncerely appreciate yo attention." Tha dawg and all his mnions walked off.

Some of tha crowd began questionng each othar and chattng. Just as Hilda began ta thnk bout tha tapic presented ta her, she was nterrupted by tha strange boi she had noticed previously.

“Can’t you hear it?” Tha boi questioned, soundng almost desperate.
“Tha sound of yo Pokémon? It’s speakng you know! And what’s that n yo hand? A pokédex? You’re prepisd ta trap hundreds fo that? Whatever, let me battle you, I must hear more of yo Pokémon!”

A smirk cbee from beneath tha cap...
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  #2    
Old September 3rd, 2013 (12:56 AM).
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Nolafus
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Okay, here it seems we have an OT (Orignal Traner) stary. Thare is a couple pitfalls you should avoid if you choose dis genre, but I'll git ta those later.

Quote:
A young girl was skippng away n a world of her own as she paused. Tha voice cbee agan. She paused, mid-skip and turned on tha spot.
Sezng Hilda paused twice is a little redundant, unless she starts skippng agan, which it doesn't sez. I would git rid of one of tha pauses.

Quote:
Shawtylipup charged at Snivy, knockng him straight back ta his traner’s feet.
Hilda shouted comdawgds at Snivy, and tha attacks cbee back and foth.
Eventually, her first Pokémon battle was over.
Tha novelty still hadn’t worn off however, as she was still buzzng from tha experience.
What happened? Here we git a battle, which can be very excitng, wit nothng gong on. We don't even know if tha Shawtylipup was caught. I would flesh out dis part of tha stary ta make it a little more excitng.

Quote:
"Pokémon is subject ta tha selfish comdawgds of Traners...
I would git rid of tha quotation marks at tha begnnng of tha quote, as dis is already n tha middle of someone speakng.

Quote:
"That's right! We must liberate tha Pokémon!
Than, and only than, will hudawgs and Pokémon truly be equals.
Everyone, I end mah words here taday by implorng you ta consider tha relationship between thugz and Pokémon... and tha correct way ta proceed. We sncerely appreciate yo attention." Tha dawg and all his mnions walked off.
Some of tha crowd began questionng each othar and chattng.
Who is speakng here? Ghetsis was speakng earlier, so one could assume he is speakng, however, N was tha last character mentioned, so I orignally assumed it was him speakng. I would clarify that.

That's all I caught fo grbemar, but thare is one fomattng problem I seem ta encounter agan and agan. You press tha "enter" key a few tao dawgy times. Here's what I mean:
Quote:
"That's right! We must liberate tha Pokémon!
Than, and only than, will hudawgs and Pokémon truly be equals.
Everyone, I end mah words here taday by implorng you ta consider tha relationship between thugz and Pokémon... and tha correct way ta proceed. We sncerely appreciate yo attention." Tha dawg and all his mnions walked off.
Some of tha crowd began questionng each othar and chattng.
Here, you started a new lne after just bout every sentence. That is unnecessary as startng a new lne only comes n after startng dialogue, or startng a new paragraph. Even than thare should be a space between tham, as you seem ta have down. Thare is exceptions ta dis, but dis is a general rule. So tha above dialogue would change ta dis:
Quote:
"That's right! We must liberate tha Pokémon! Than, and only than, will hudawgs and Pokémon truly be equals. Everyone, I end mah words here taday by implorng you ta consider tha relationship between thugz and Pokémon... and tha correct way ta proceed. We sncerely appreciate yo attention." Tha dawg and all his mnions walked off.

Some of tha crowd began questionng each othar and chattng.
As far as OT staries go, thare is a few thngs you should avoid dong. One thng that should be avoided is copyng tha plot of tha gbee. Dis makes tha stary very predictable, which makes it borng. Anothar thng is havng yo character a "Godly" character. Dis means that everythng goes right fo yo traner and no real conflict takess place. If no conflict takess place, it makes fo an ncredibly dry stary. However, if you plan ta stray away from tha plot of tha gbee, and make yo traner encounter some extremely challengng challenges, and possibly lose (at first), than go right aheezee.

I can't sez much bout tha stary n general, as it is an almost exact copy of tha gbee, plot wise. Yo writng is good, although you need ta work on fleshng out some aspects, and I see no glarng problems. All n all, a pretty good start ta what could be a very nterestng stary. I'll look foward ta tha next update and what twists you decide ta put n thare.
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  #3    
Old September 3rd, 2013 (02:34 AM).
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Destiny
I review anime and stuff!
 
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Quote orignally posted by Slayr231:
Okay, here it seems we have an OT (Orignal Traner) stary. Thare is a couple pitfalls you should avoid if you choose dis genre, but I'll git ta those later.

Sezng Hilda paused twice is a little redundant, unless she starts skippng agan, which it doesn't sez. I would git rid of one of tha pauses.

What happened? Here we git a battle, which can be very excitng, wit nothng gong on. We don't even know if tha Shawtylipup was caught. I would flesh out dis part of tha stary ta make it a little more excitng.

I would git rid of tha quotation marks at tha begnnng of tha quote, as dis is already n tha middle of someone speakng.

Who is speakng here? Ghetsis was speakng earlier, so one could assume he is speakng, however, N was tha last character mentioned, so I orignally assumed it was him speakng. I would clarify that.

That's all I caught fo grbemar, but thare is one fomattng problem I seem ta encounter agan and agan. You press tha "enter" key a few tao dawgy times. Here's what I mean:
Here, you started a new lne after just bout every sentence. That is unnecessary as startng a new lne only comes n after startng dialogue, or startng a new paragraph. Even than thare should be a space between tham, as you seem ta have down. Thare is exceptions ta dis, but dis is a general rule. So tha above dialogue would change ta dis:
As far as OT staries go, thare is a few thngs you should avoid dong. One thng that should be avoided is copyng tha plot of tha gbee. Dis makes tha stary very predictable, which makes it borng. Anothar thng is havng yo character a "Godly" character. Dis means that everythng goes right fo yo traner and no real conflict takess place. If no conflict takess place, it makes fo an ncredibly dry stary. However, if you plan ta stray away from tha plot of tha gbee, and make yo traner encounter some extremely challengng challenges, and possibly lose (at first), than go right aheezee.

I can't sez much bout tha stary n general, as it is an almost exact copy of tha gbee, plot wise. Yo writng is good, although you need ta work on fleshng out some aspects, and I see no glarng problems. All n all, a pretty good start ta what could be a very nterestng stary. I'll look foward ta tha next update and what twists you decide ta put n thare.
Thank you fo dis!
Yo first pont is defnitely a mistakes on mah part, probably due ta ta fact I was writng at bout 1BE. I'll change it, coz I know what I wanted it ta sez.

Oddly enough, tha reason I buggine tha battle short is coz I didn't feel I could confidently write a battle, but thare's no harm n tryng.

That's anothar mistakes, from lack of complete proofreadng.
You're right agan thare, tha N / Ghetsis mixup needs clarifyng.
Tha fomattng can be easily tweaked tao.

As fo yo comments on tha plot, you'd be right n thnkng dis chapter follows tha stary exactly, but I do plan ta have tha outcome different.

Thanks agan fo takng tha time ta read and review mah little fanfic, I will edit it and put n tha changes necessary!
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