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Old September 4th, 2013, 12:45 PM
CreativeVision's Avatar
CreativeVision
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Netherlands
Age: 25
Gender: Female
//INTRO
So I had this brilliant Idea for a fanfic and I started to write. But it wouldn’t flow, not the way I wanted it to anyway… That’s when I decided to just see where the story goes. The result is what you'll read below.

Oh right, the rating, worst that's happened is a little bit of swearing. So a T for now?



//PREFACE
Eternal life. Ever since the dawn of mankind, it sought out ways to attain immortality. Yet life as we know it, wouldn’t exist without this burning desire. Whether it’s born out of greed or fear, the result is the world we live in today.

Still, the search continues. Fore even with all our knowledge, eternal life remains only to be seen in legends.



//CHAPTER 1
The sun was setting, painting the sky in several shades of orange and red. A warm glow spreads across the land. The otherwise bright green grass seems to carry an aura of gold. A flock of Pidgey are enjoying the last rays of sunshine just outside the massive gates of Veridian city. Hiding in the tall grasses near the water’s edge is a wild Meowth wiggling its tail slowly from left to right, all the while staring intensely at its prey. Five more steps, four more steps… the wiggling of its tail matches the excitement building inside the young Meowth until it pounces for the Pidgey,… but falls short rather miserably.

Not many people notice this scene happening not even twenty yards away. They’re too busy reaching the city gym before the gates close when the last rays of sun disappear behind the horizon. People come from all over, the higher plains, the wetland delta and even several cities over. It’s not just the local hero that gets a chance to show. The current champ from the Unova region has reached the shores of Ameria and of course, first thing he does, is find the closest gym to take on the competition. Cyber reporters have even said it to be the battle of the year. Or whatever’s left of it anyway. Midwinter is less than a week away after all.

“High time to leave the city and hit the trails.” Astrae said to no one in particular. She threw a rope down the city walls and secured it to the railing. These preparations were vital for tonight’s operation. But for now, she walked away, making one last round through the city with calculating eyes. The thick mass of people arriving through the gates had slowly lessened to a small stream trickling through the streets. The gym was about to close its doors though, so they probably didn’t manage to get a ticket for the show and hoped to just catch a glimpse of the trainers on the square.

“that might become a bit problematic.” She murmured softly. The corporations building is located nearby, lessening her chances to get away unseen later that night.

“Astrae!” An all too familiar voice cuts through the noise from the babbling people surrounding her, but she keeps walking in the opposite direction, although a bit more stiff.

“heej, Astrae.” It sounded much closer now, too close actually. Ignoring him is no longer an option, so she stops. A hand reached for her shoulder then, but is abruptly taken back. Wise choice. “Are you leaving already?” Bruce asked with a hint of sadness in his voice.

“You know I’ve already been here longer than I should, Bruce.” She answers him while shifting her backpack to the other shoulder and motions for him to walk with her. “I’m a drifter. They don’t like people like me.” She nods to the people surrounding them. It’s only then that the two notice everyone’s gone silent, watching them closely.

“I was right there with you...” It’s strange how people now hastily scramble to the sides, whereas up until a few minutes ago they wouldn’t move an inch to let her through. “Why can’t you just move in with me? I have a couch,… ok, it may not be the best. But you could work in the gym too. You are one hell of a trainer.”

“That’s not enough Bruce.” And sadly it’s true. The stigma of being a drifter is something you’ll never lose. “Even you, their proclaimed hero who saved them in their times of need, all they would let you buy is that broken down apartment in the worst neighborhood of this damned city. I mean, look at that” she points to various bystanders who were close enough to hear the heated words looking away guiltily. “they know it’s wrong, but what do they do? Nothing! That’s what. And I can’t be a part of that.”

“I know, Astrae. Trust me, I know. I just wish you didn’t have to leave.” Tears were threatening to spill over. This is what she dreaded, their goodbyes. Having to end this chapter and begin a new one where she starts without him.

“You could always come with me, hit the road, see where that leads us. Just like old times.” It was useless, she knew. But it didn’t stop her from trying. “You’ve got a fly in your eye or what? It’s leaking.” Bruce hastily wipes the lone tear with his sleeves.

“No, I’ve got a fight to handle.” Heavy wooden doors grating over the cold stone floors announce the closing of the gates. “Don’t forget, okay?”

“I won’t.” Her voice breaking betrays the emotion she too feels deep inside. She holds up her pinky finger for him to do the same.

“Wish me luck” He says as he links their fingers. After a second Astrae turns towards the closing gates.

“Sure, break a leg” As she starts walking away she hears his laughter. It was his very first battle where he lost terribly, but tried to protect his Eevee from a wild Mankey’s karate chop. Instead of pulling Eevee out of the way, the Mankey hit him instead. Resulting in a broken leg, a long and miserable hop ’n walk to the nearest hospital and a drawn out food fight with the foul smelling dinner.

“Of all the things you shouldn’t forget, you choose that?” Once she’s standing outside she turns around and sees his eyes shining with joy and the grin on his face that she was aiming for.

“Like I said, break a leg.” Her own grin takes over until all she can see is the hard wooden gate.
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  #2    
Old September 4th, 2013, 03:56 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
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Okay, we have an opening that you're not too sure about. You seem concerned on the flow so I will try to help you with that, and ironing out those pesky wrinkles.

Quote:
Eternal life. Ever since the dawn of mankind, it sought out ways to attain immortality. Yet life as we know it, wouldn’t exist without this burning desire. Whether it’s born out of greed or fear, the result is the world we live in today.
A few things here in the opening paragraph. "Eternal life", should not be it's own sentence. Instead, replace that first period with a comma. When you say "it sought out ways", since, in my mind, eternal life was still the subject, it made it seems as if eternal life was seeking itself out. I would replace the "it" with something that lets the reader know you're talking about mankind. As far as the rest of the paragraph goes, I see a couple flow issues. When you say "Yet life as we know it..." it makes me think that there was something bad mentioned about eternal life before that sentence, which there wasn't. "Yet", is a contradicting word, used when you want to contradict a point you said earlier. I would switch the last two sentences around, that way you're saying something negative first, then transitioning to a positive. This won't work if all you do is switch the two sentences, but with some revision, it should work out better.

Quote:
These preparations were vital for tonight’s operation. But for now, she walked away, making one last round through the city with calculating eyes.
I would replace the first period with a comma, and the last comma with a period.

Quote:
The gym was about to close its doors though, so they probably didn’t manage to get a ticket for the show and hoped to just catch a glimpse of the trainers on the square.
I would stick with future tense right here. When you say "so they probably didn't manage to get a ticket", it doesn't make much sense because it hadn't happened yet. I would replace "didn't" with "won't" to keep the future tense consistent.

Quote:
“heej, Astrae.” It sounded much closer now, too close actually.
The "h" on "heej" should be capitalized. Also, what is "heej"? I'm not sure if this is a spelling mistake, or how they greet people here.

That's all the grammar mistakes I caught. One thing I noticed is that you like to replace some commas with periods. It didn't happen often, but try to be wary about that in the future.

Quote:
She threw a rope down the city walls and secured it to the railing.
Here is where I was confused a little bit on where the setting takes place. With this sentence, I think that Astrae is on the city wall, about to jump off and shimmy down to the outside world, but this sentence has me second guess that.
Quote:
“Astrae!” An all too familiar voice cuts through the noise from the babbling people surrounding her,
Is she down on the busy street, or is the city wall a popular road? I'm aware that she walks away from the rope, but where does she go after that? A little more detail on where certain things take place would help.

I think I found out why you keep getting frustrated with the flow. After reading the introduction, I think (don't hold this against me if I'm wrong ) you're looking at this more as describing a movie, than sharing a story. What I mean is that the introduction you use here, is commonly seen as an introduction in movies. I know when I write, I keep looking back on what I just wrote and constantly think of how I can improve it. I have to rely on someone else to tell me that it's good and that it fits in. I can tell you right now, that you're flow is good. There's not any glaring holes with it, and the story progresses evenly. In movies, it's very easy to feel the flow. It's being shown to you right before your eyes, but in writing, the flow is harder to catch because your brain is trying to paint the picture in your head and it's working harder to understand what's going on. All I'm saying is don't be so hard on yourself about the flow, it's fine.

As I wrap up my review, let's recap. Don't go crazy with the periods, commas can be better in certain situations. The setting is a little cloudy and would benefit from some fleshing out. Your flow is good, don't go tearing apart your writing looking to add more in. We have an interesting story about a girl, who is not wanted in this city for some unknown reason. I look forward to hearing back from you and the next update to the story.
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Last edited by Nolafus; September 5th, 2013 at 02:16 AM.
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  #3    
Old September 4th, 2013, 10:43 PM
CreativeVision's Avatar
CreativeVision
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Netherlands
Age: 25
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Your review explains quite a bit actually, but I do have some questions. English is not my first language so you'll might have to excuse some seemingly stupid questions
A period, I take it it's the dot?

The describing a movie makes a lot of sense actually for the preface, even though it wasn't meant as one. I've seen enough movies like that to have been influenced by it. I was looking for something catchy about eternal life..

I had this story of an archaeologist/relic hunter in mind that sets out to find clues on the stuff of legends. But it would't write that way. Instead Astrae is the character that came out of it. Every turn where I thought to have an idea on how it should go, she wanted to go a different route. A better one, that I will admit, but it's surprising me the hell of it. Im not even sure if the preface and the title will hold... For now though, I hope it does.
Is this something you yourself encounter in your own stories? Or do I just have a very stubborn story?

Heej is a greeting that I frequently use in my own language, it didn't even register as foreign in other languages. So these comments really help.
Also up till now Ive written my stories in past tense mostly, for some reason this story got a mind of its own on that as well. I do tend to forget it once in a while and have corrected a few mistakes like this already.

I agree with it being a bit vague around the city wall issue. With your tips Ill try to elaborate a bit more. The next chapter though has a lot less conversation style and more mission impossible stealth in it. The majority of the issue on setting will probably be explained there to fill between actions and such, to create more passage of time between them...
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  #4    
Old September 4th, 2013, 10:56 PM
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Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CreativeVision View Post
A period, I take it it's the dot?
Yes it is. It's also known as a full stop, just in case someone uses that term in front of you.

Quote:
Is this something you yourself encounter in your own stories? Or do I just have a very stubborn story?
You'll find that a lot of people experience this. They say that the characters are controlling the story, and the author is just writing down what's happening. It happens to me all the time, which is one reason why I don't really plan out my stories. It's more surprising because the author doesn't know where the story's going, so the reader will be kept interested because they can't guess.

Though I will warn you that in some circles, you'll be told that having the characters control the story is a sign of a bad writer and that you're crazy for thinking the characters are in control.

Don't believe them.

Quote:
Heej is a greeting that I frequently use in my own language, it didn't even register as foreign in other languages. So these comments really help.
You can mix in foreign words into your dialogue if you want. Just include some explanation in the narration for readers.

Quote:
"Heej, Astrae," he greeted her.
Hopefully my post helps you. If you have further questions, don't hesitate to ask us. We're happy to help!
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  #5    
Old September 5th, 2013, 02:31 AM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Quote:
Is this something you yourself encounter in your own stories? Or do I just have a very stubborn story?
I encounter this a lot. On my current fic, I spent two months planning out every main event that was going to happen, and just about every character that would appear. By the second chapter I had thrown my plan out the window because I felt like the characters wouldn't do some of the thing I had planned them to do.

Quote:
The describing a movie makes a lot of sense actually for the preface, even though it wasn't meant as one. I've seen enough movies like that to have been influenced by it. I was looking for something catchy about eternal life..
I'm glad I could help! I was worried about that section and how much sense it was going to make, so I'm glad it wasn't total mumbo jumbo. As long as eternal life has an underlying influence on the story, I don't think you have to worry about the preface.

Just like what Astinus said, don't be afraid to ask us anything. We don't bite... much.
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