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  #1    
Old September 20th, 2013 (12:38 AM). Edited September 22nd, 2013 by Lord Sephear.
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Lord Sephear Lord Sephear is offline
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This is the story of a young Metal Bender by the name of Davian Krotesse, who has recently given in to the frustration of Republic City's stagnancy and left the only home he's ever known to find a purpose of some kind.
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Book One: Mortal Ties



Chapter One: True friends are a rare and valuable commodity

Quote:
First Entry... Uh, not really sure how you're supposed to title a journal entry, and I probably should have payed more attention to the date before I left. I don't really like writing but the White Lotus monks taught me and said one should always keep a journal. I didn't really buy into it but if I'm traveling I can't see why I shouldn't; this is the trip that's going to change my life! I can't take a chance at ever forgetting when I realize just what it is I should do with my life... I mean I'm not the Avatar, and Metal Bending is the only thing really important to me but I don't want to be an officer or anything and I can't be a pro bender.
~
Today I made a new friend, at first I thought he was just some loser who doesn't shut up but he's actually pretty cool. He's a Fire Bender and-
Our young protagonist, the prodigal Metal Bender started his journey the way most young people run away from home... that is to say badly. He had only rudimentary survival skills taught to him by the Order of the White Lotus, and he had grabbed very few useful supplies on his way out. Davian walked down the main road away from Republic City wondering what he would do with a backpack full of junk and bouncing his empty coin pouch dejectedly for hours. As anyone can tell you life can only be boring for so long so of course eventually something interesting occurred. Apparently the young runaway lacked the wisdom that it is foolish not to look where you're going, he was watching a butterfly land on a flower when he strolled right into a 258 pound wall of pure muscle.

"Oi! Watch it ya daft sprout!" The brick house bellowed before dropping the large bundle he was carrying and turning around to view the kid that had so rudely bumped into him, donning an angry look anybody with world experience could tell you was fake.

"I-I-I-I'm not... afraid of you just because you're big... I'm a Metal Bender y'know!" Davian stammered out defiantly in sharp contrast to how quickly he looked away.

The behemoth moved with surprising quickness and grasped Davian's ankle before pulling up and laughing at him as he dangled upside down. "Oh y'are are ya? What're ya gonna do sprout? Conjure a little sword out of thin air an' lop me head off?"

Despite how close he was to losing control of his bladder and the fact that the backpack with his Omni-Orbs was out of reach on the ground Davian refused to show any fear. "No, I can't do that yet but... I'll make a steel rod and break you're stupid hook nose!"

The man merely smiled his yellow teeth at the boy and shook him a bit. "Well then, if you're so tough I better get me best tricks ready to-"

"Daaaaad! Put him down! We're still so close to the city, d'you want the police to think you're a kidnapper?"

The pale giant wasted no time setting Davian back down and upright once his ruse was thrown, immediately patting his belly and chuckling. "Oh dear, ah'v been discovered, please dunnut flog me sir I was just kiddin' the boy." He reached down to ruffle the hair of the ordeal's new arrival: a young boy around the same age but a couple inches shorter than Davian, with dusty brown hair who was wearing traveling clothes in various shades of red. The boy grabbed Davian's backpack off the ground and handed it to him, it was received reluctantly.

"Sorry about m'pa, doesn't know when to let up does he? Well yer alright now, no harm done I see." Davian turned away for a moment and when he looked at the boy again he was still scowling.

"Thanks I guess... I'm fine, your dad's just lucky I didn't want to hurt him." The boy smiled his father's same smile, although much whiter and with a gap.

"Ah he's a great big softy that one is; doesn't even fight in self defense, he just let's the other person bounce their fists harmlessly off 'im till they get tired and give up. Anyways the name's Bouho, what about yourself? And why're you walking out here all by yerself?"

Quote:
I didn't have any better idea what I was going to do with myself so I went with Bouho and his father, before long we linked up with a caravan made up of apparently most of their village. Bouho never stopped talking the whole time, his father's name was Holden, and he was a miner, and their village had just opened up a new mine and they could definitely use an energetic young Metal Bender there. I had no plans and no money so it was off to this Veleri place.
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  #2    
Old September 20th, 2013 (02:32 PM).
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Nolafus Nolafus is offline
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Alright, Avatar, one of the only other fandoms I actually know stuff about!

Quote:
He had only rudimentary survival skills taught to him by the order of the white lotus,
I think the Order of the White Lotus should be capitalized since it's the name of an organization.

Quote:
and not a single yuan for hours before anything interesting occurred.
"Yuan"? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with that word, and it doesn't look like it's misspelled, so I don't really know what you're talking about here.

Quote:
Despite his barely holding bladder and the backpack with his Omni-Orbs being on the ground Davian refused to show any fear.
Okay, the bolded sections are giving me trouble. I can tell you wanted to tell us that he's about to pee his pants, but "barely holding bladder" is one heck of a weird way to say it. I would revise it to say something similar, but not so odd. I have no idea what "omni-orbs" are. I don't know if they were introduced in Legend of Korra, but I don't think so. If they are your own invention, then I would elaborate on what they are, before calling them by name.

Quote:
with dusty brown hair wearing various shades of red.
I don't know if his hair has some red streaks in it, or if his clothes are red. Since "hair" would be the subject, I would assume the first one, but one doesn't simply wear hair, unless it's a wig. Please elaborate on this section.

Okay, the first thing I noticed is that you're telling me the story instead of showing me. It's an unspoken rule of writing, often referred to as show v tell. Basically, instead of telling us how Davian is feeling, show us. What is his body language? Does he do anything special when he feels like that? Where is he? Asking questions like that will build the stage, without you having to tell us the details. I'm not the greatest at this, but I'll try to provide an example, since that's how I learn.
Quote:
He had only rudimentary survival skills taught to him by the order of the white lotus, he had grabbed very few useful supplies on his way out, and since he certainly had no parental permission he was also pathetically short on money.
This section, might become something like this:
Quote:
Davian's stomach began to growl as he passed the various shops lining the street heading out of Republic City. He pulled out his wallet and looked inside, nothing. The wallet was pushed grudgingly back into his pocket and Davian continued trudging along the street.
Showing v telling is arguably the hardest thing to learn how to do well. If you're interested, shoot me a VM and I can link you to an article that helped me get a better picture of what it's all about. From what I wrote, Davian has no money, and no food. I don't know if this is what you wanted, but for learning sake, let's pretend. The empty wallet shows that he has no to little money. How he puts the wallet back into his pocket shows that he isn't too happy with his current state. Davian isn't just walking, he's trudging along. Since he isn't too prepared food wise, it also shows that he probably doesn't know what he's doing, for the most part, or at least he's not very prepared. I hope this helped some, the only way to get better is to practice, so give it a try.

Also, you need to start a new line every time a new person speaks. So this section,
Quote:
"Oi! Watch it ya daft sprout!" The brick house bellowed before dropping the large bundle he was carrying and turning around to view the kid that had so rudely bumped into him. "I-I-I-I'm not... afraid of you just because you're big... I'm a Metal Bender y'know!" The man moved with surprising quickness and grasped Davian's ankle before pulling up and laughing at him as he dangled upside down. "Oh y'are are ya? What're ya gonna do sprout? Conjure a little sword out of thin air an' lop me head off?"
would become this:
Quote:
"Oi! Watch it ya daft sprout!" The brick house bellowed before dropping the large bundle he was carrying and turning around to view the kid that had so rudely bumped into him.

"I-I-I-I'm not... afraid of you just because you're big... I'm a Metal Bender y'know!"

The man moved with surprising quickness and grasped Davian's ankle before pulling up and laughing at him as he dangled upside down. "Oh y'are are ya? What're ya gonna do sprout? Conjure a little sword out of thin air an' lop me head off?"
So I would go through and add the proper spacings as well.

I have one main argument with the metal-bender thing. Remember that metal-benders, are just powerful earth benders. When they bend metal, they're actually bending the purified minerals inside. In the show, specifically in Legend of Korra where they escape the equalist's sewer prison, Chief Befong (sorry if I misspelled the name) is a metal bender, yet she also bends earth to escape the prison. I'm just going off of my memory here, so there might be a slight, tiny, little chance that I'm wrong on this, so you might want to look it up to get a clear answer. So Davian might not be so helpless against Holden.

Overall, an interesting start. I'm curious on where you will head with this, so keep me updated! College starts for me next Monday (oh joy, mixed feelings), so I don't know if I'll have the free time to keep myself updated, but I'll try.
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  #3    
Old September 20th, 2013 (11:54 PM).
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Lord Sephear Lord Sephear is offline
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Response:
Spoiler:
Thank you very much for the advice, I don't very often write outside of Roleplays and they're definitely a bit different. For the most part your advice was spot on I only have a few things to say besides thanks.

The Yuan, I'm fairly certain is the main currency in the Avatar universe, some sort of gold coin.

Davian does have food, he was ill-prepared but not that badly. What he's lacking is money, cooking utensils, and shelter.

I don't know why I didn't mention it first but Davian was not written especially for this story or a long time ago, he is my character in the new Roleplay Avatar: New Legends Right near the top of the page is a list of the characters with all of their names being links, reading Davian's would give you some more context and also describes just what his Omni-Orbs.

I am aware of the origins of Metal Bending and how it generally works, but both for the purposes of the RP and because I thought it would be interesting, Davian learned how to Metal Bend first. And he still does not have Earth Bending down as of this story, and that will become relevant later.


Chapter Two will be down here when I start writing it.
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It doesn't matter now what happens
I will never give up the fight
Long as the voice inside drives me to run and fight
It doesn't matter who is wrong and who is right
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