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Old September 29th, 2013, 09:15 PM
«Chuckles»'s Avatar
«Chuckles»
First of all, I'm not a "total psycho"
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Morioh
Gender: Male
Nature: Brave
Pokemon Hunter

Mix-up of monster hunter and Pokemon, I understand there is another Pokemon/Monster hunter but what is wrong with a bit of rivalry.

Chapter 1: Hunting Grounds

The calm breeze of Kanto brushes through my hair as I watch a drove of Rapidash and Ponyta gallop past. I wait with anticipation for the chance that the beast I am hunting turns up, the sneaky Ditto. Ditto can transform into anything at will so that is why it so hard to find. I look up at the sky letting the breeze brush against my Flareon furred jacket. I cannot remember the last time I was involved in a hunt that took this long, I watch as a flock of Pidgey fly past and watch one of the small birds drop from the air, I watch as it lands on the grass and changes into a Growlithe, it begins to run in the opposite direction.

"Come here you little bastard!" I yell leaping from my hiding spot. The Growlithe turns its head to look at where the strange outburst had come from. Its eyes widened as it turned back around and took off as fast as the little legs could carry it. I whipped out my bow, made from the tough flesh of Sudowoodo, and notch an arrow. I draw the string back to my cheek and feel the air rush by as I release. The arrow flies from the bow and I follow it as it makes its way to the target. The Growlithe makes a sharp left at the last minute, and the arrow goes flying into the dirt.

"Damn!" I yell pulling another arrow. This time I knew I had to hit it; I had been waiting for it for 2 days and was not going to give up now. I aim at the small dog and take the shot but again the arrow misses as this time Ditto transforms into a Jolteon and speeds off but I draw an Arrow made of the remains of a Geodude, I take aim I release the bowstring and the rocky arrow flies through the air gracefully before copping the Jolteon in the back of the head before it explodes into pink blobs across the grass.

"I finally got you!" I yelled but I had spoken to soon, the pink globs came to the centre of where the arrow landed and turned back into its real self before transforming it turned into a Snorlax and began to run straight towards me, I grab one of my Spinrak webbed arrows and aim at the giant Pokémon's legs, after taking one of its legs out it falls face-flat onto the ground. I run over to it and grab my Aggron Sword and thrust it through the Snorlax' head, this time the Snorlax dissipates back into Ditto but does not move, I watch as it lay there motionless before throwing it into my Bag made by the leaves of a Venusaur.

I walk back to Pallet Village and watch as the local fishermen talk about the ship that carries people from Pallet to Cinnabar and other mysterious of the ocean. I watch as a parent scolds her child for touching the bread without asking. I walk along the dirt path and come to a stop outside of the Guild Hall before I am confronted by a familiar face, a fellow hunter who sports feraligatr scale armour and wields a Golem Great Sword, he has blue eyes and dirty blond hair, he is also quite short.

"Hey you are finally back, how was the Job?" Blue said with a wide grin on his face.

"It could have gone better, this ditto gave me a hassle had me waiting for two days before showing up" I reply "then I had to chase it around causing me quite a lot of grief. How did yours go?"

"Not too bad, I had to kill a few Tentacruel who were attacking one of the local boats." Blue responds. "Well at the moment I am free wanna take on a Job together?"

"Sure, let's have a look at the board." I reply heading into the guild hall.

I watch as the other hunters sit down and eat and chat amongst them, but I know where to go straight to the front desk to hand in my proof of completing the Job and to retrieve my reward of 1500z. I walk up to the Job Board with Blue looking at the requests, I scan the boards looking for a Job that will keep him occupied for a while and pay well. Blue then points at a Job buried beneath the piles of Requests in the lower left corner of the board. It asks to hunt down an Eevee, Jolteon, Flareon, Vaporeon, Umbreon, Espeon, Leafeon and a Glaceon.

"Hmm that sounds like it will keep us occupied for a while, it also pays nicely. We could buy some new armour or weapons with that kind of dough." Blue says taking it off the board.

"True, let's take it I hear that some of those Pokemon are hard to find in this area so we may have to go as far as Pewter City for it." I respond walking over to the counter to accept the job with Blue.

After everything is taken care of we walk out of the Guild Hall and go to collect our things, it is now dusk and everyone is setting home and gathering their tools from the day. I walk for another 5 minutes listening in on the chatter of the Villagers before I finally come to the doorstep of my small house that can barely fit a bed. I open my door and light a candle to illuminate my room; I throw my Bayleaf skin bag at the foot of my bed and grab some resources for the trip. I take some whetstone made from Steelix, Cyndaquil matches and some Tauros Meat. After I have placed everything back into my bag I walk out of my house and lock it all up before I walk to Blue's house to leave. I watch as the moon rises into the sky and hear the howls of Houndour. When I reach Blue's house and wait for him to be ready but before you can say "Mew", he opens the door.

"Hey you got here! Let's set out and make it through to Viridian Before morning!" Blue says grabbing a Growlithe fur bag and heading off outside the gates of the village.

"Okay, well Viridian Forest should hold Leafeon since it is a suitable environment for Leafeon to live, then maybe we should head back to Viridian City to resupply before heading for Pewter City." I reply chasing after him.

"C'mon you're too slow Red!" Blue yells jumping off the edge of a small cliff face the height of a small boulder.
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Last edited by «Chuckles»; September 29th, 2013 at 11:40 PM.
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  #2    
Old September 29th, 2013, 11:29 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
A pokemon hunter fic. Not the most popular choice of fanfiction, but, in my opinion, one of the more interesting choices.

Quote:
Ditto can transform into anything at will so that is why it so hard to find.
You need a comma after "will" since you're starting a new idea.

Quote:
I run over to it and grab my Aggron Sword (sword made out of Aggron) and thrust it through the Snorlax' head,
I think we get what the "Aggron sword" is, plus it's not really a good idea to have parenthesis in a story. It looks a little cheesy, and it almost always means that the writer is going to tell us something, rather than show us, but more on that later. For now, I would get rid of "sword made out of Aggron".

Quote:
I watch as a parent scolds her child for touching taking bread without asking.
Was the child touching, or taking the bread? I would make up my mind here.

Quote:
he has blue eyes and dirty blond hair he is also quite short.
You need a comma after "hair" since it's a new idea.

Quote:
"It could have gone better, this ditto gave me a hassle had me waiting for 2 days before showing up then I had to chase it around causing me quite a lot of grief.
Unless it's a number greater than ninety-nine, you never put a number in a story. Always spell it out. This is also a run-on sentence. I would separate it into two parts. Possibly with a period after "showing up".

Quote:
"Not too bad, I had to kill a few Tentacruel who were attacking one of the local boats." Blue responds.

"Well at the moment I am free wanna take on a Job together?" Blue continues.
The separation here isn't necessary. The same character is still talking, so we can merge the two sections together, like so.
Quote:
"Not too bad, I had to kill a few Tentacruel who were attacking one of the local boats." Blue responds. "Well at the moment I am free wanna take on a Job together?"
I also got rid of the last "Blue continues" since that would be a little repetitive.

Quote:
I watch as the other hunters sit down and eat and chat amongst them but I know where to go straight to the front desk to hand in my proof of completing the Job and to retrieve my reward, 1500z.
You need a comma after "them". This is also a run-on sentence and I would divide it up into smaller sections.

Quote:
After everything is taken care of we walk out of the Guild Hall and go to collect our things, it is now dusk and everyone is setting home and gathering their tools from the day.
You need a comma after "taken care of". This is, once again, a run-on sentence that needs to be divided up. Possibly replacing the comma you do have in there with a period. The phrase "setting home" also struck me as a little odd, as I don't think that's what you were going for.

Quote:
I walk for another 5 minutes listening in on the chatter of the Villagers before I finally come to the doorstep of my small house that can barely fit a bed.
Spell out the number "5". You also need a comma after "minutes". I'm not sure why "Villager" is capitalized as it's not a proper name for something.

Quote:
When I reach Blue's house I knock on his door and before you can say "Mew" he opens the door.
You need commas after "house" and "Mew". Saying the word "door" twice so close together, is a little redundant. I would replace one of them with another word.

Quote:
"Hey you got here let's set out and make it through to Viridian Before morning!"
You need a comma after "Hey". I also think that you should end the sentence after "here" as it seems like a natural break in the dialogue.

Okay, so I noticed a couple things that I think you should work on. One of them being sentence structures, while the other one being showing v telling. Sentence structure will be the easier one, so I'll start with that.

Right now, you seem to be missing a lot of commas and have a few run-on sentences. Commas are used when breaking up ideas within a sentence, in other words, a sort of transition. There are a thousand rules when to, and when not to, use them, so I won't go into too much detail. Try reading things out loud, if you sense a natural pause in the sentence that doesn't mean a new sentence, odds are, a comma should be there. Try to be wary about your run-on sentences. They can be a tad annoying, so try to separate your ideas more. If you're questioning whether or not a sentence is too long, just divide it. Better safe than sorry.

Showing v telling is arguably the hardest thing about writing stories. Right now, you're telling us how the characters feel, how the setting is, where the main character is, instead of showing. Here's what I mean.
Quote:
"Come here you little bastard!" I yell as it notices me chasing it. I pull my Sudowoodo bow from over my head and take an arrow, I try to take aim without losing my distance, I shoot and it misses.
You tell the reader that the ditto notices the main character. Instead of telling us, try asking these questions. What was the Growlithe's (ditto's) body language? How did it react? Why did it run away? You may not use all these answers in the story, but it helps nonetheless. I'm not the best at showing, but I'll try to give an example, since that's the way I learn. The passage above, will now turn to this.
Quote:
"Come here you little bastard!" I yell leaping from my hiding spot. The Growlithe turns its head to look at where the strange outburst had come from. Its eyes widened as it turned back around and took off as fast as the little legs could carry it. I whipped out my bow, made from the tough flesh of Sudowoodo, and notch an arrow. I draw the string back to my cheek and feel the air rush by as I release. The arrow flies from the bow and I follow it as it makes its way to the target. The Growlithe makes a sharp left at the last minute, and the arrow goes flying into the dirt.
Something like that. It's incredibly tough to learn and even harder to master. Some professional writers even struggle with it from time to time. I'm still learning it myself, but I hope I helped you understand it a little bit better.

As far as the story goes, I like it. As you mentioned before, there is another pokemon hunter fic on here, but it's interesting how different the two approaches are. I like how you made your character struggle for the first kill, it makes the story a little more interesting. I also like the social atmosphere that this story has. It shows that pokemon hunting is a legitimate job, and not just a twisted man's source of fun. I'm interested in how this will progress, and the twists and turns you mind will create.

College leaves me pretty busy, so I can't guarantee that I'll be here for later chapters. I hope my advice has helped you in someway. I'll try to review later chapters, but I just don't know what my schedule will be like.
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