So after years of contemplating, I began my first fan-fic. So far I have 4 chapters down, and I'm in the process of continuing. This story isn't sexual, but there are a few offensive things in here: but no bad words. The premise is me remembering Pokemon Sapphire and putting my comedic approach in the events. So the story follows Cam, a life-like portrait of me, and his quest to be the very best. So without further ado, here's the story!:
A Strange Message
WORSHIP SATAN,FOR HE IS OUR CREATOR HE GRANTS KINDNESS TO ALL
These strange words appeared on the T.V. “Well that’s enough obvious subliminal messages for today.” said Cameron. He finished watching the episode of Fox News and got ready for his big day. Today was the day he would venture out into Hoenn to be the very best, like no one ever was. “God, I love terrible overdone puns”, thought Cameron. He had a Pokemon for years, but never found the time to use it (especially when he spent countless hours bored in his bedroom). In fact, the main reason he wanted to start his journey where he wouldn’t stop believing (Journey! Don’t Stop Believing! Get It?!?), was to get out of school. The only thing he hated more than school was writing a story without music puns. Cameron was almost done getting ready for his quest. He packed his bag with the following items: A bag of Potato Chips, and the completely necessary 23,657 CDs. He didn’t have enough room for water (or the money for that matter), so he grabbed a two week-old Mountain Dew that was sitting on his dresser, and chugged it right there. He hurried downstairs to say goodbye to his mom. And by that I mean jump out the window like the stealthy ninja he is. “I don’t need no stinkin’ goodbyes”, he thought. He walked north to the next route, where his long pun-filled journey would begin!
The Epic Trek Begins!
Cameron left the quietness of Littleroot to venture in to the quietness of Route 101. He saw multiple dead people lying on the grass. “Great! All seems safe so far!” thought Cameron. Being as careful as possible to avoid the piles of rotten flesh scattered before his feet, he made his way to the first patch of tall grass. Suddenly, Cameron remembered he had his Pokemon on him! He released the Pokemon out of its ball (hehe he said ball) and into the fresh, fresh oxygen of the outside world. Out popped the almighty, all powerful, all useful Feebas. Cameron stared as the offense to all life on the planet flop around. “Ok UslessStackOfCrap!”said Cameron. “Lets conquer the world with brutality, violence, and pillaging!” The Feebas just continued flopping about. Immediately a guy in a suit and top hat came twirling (yes, majestic indeed) out of the sky. “Greetings! I am quite afraid your Pokemon’s nickname exceeds the character limit!” said the strange man. “Crap! It’s the po-po! Lets get the bleep outta here!” said Cameron in the most racist black African-American accent he could muster. He ran but his plan was foiled as the strange man nabbed the Feebas. “I need this for the drug money, kid!” shouted the senile old creep as he ran off into the distance. Cameron, dazed and confused (Oh yeah, there’ll be music puns), wondered what to do to replace his stolen Feebas. “If only I had ADT!” shouted Cameron. After hours of pondering, he finally had a solution. He was going to use the Pokeball he released Feebas from to catch another trusty companion. He walked around in the tall grass for a few seconds, and sure enough, a Pokemon showed up. After pushing the tall grass out of his face to actually see the dang thing, he noticed the Pokemon was a Zangoose. “Oh Meh Gawd! A Zangoose! Dats my favorite Pokemon! What a coincidence, especially considering they are not even available in Sapphire or this route for that matter!” said Cameron, who was on the verge on breaking the fourth wall. He tossed the Pokeball at it, and after shaking three time and clicking, the Zangoose belonged to him. “I shall dub thee Floyd, for Pink Floyd is the band that most greatly tickles my fancy!” proclaimed Cameron in a glorious Middle English accent. Now with a partner (that was actually useful), he set foot into the town of Oldale!
In the fabulous (I swear I’ll never say that word again) town of Oldale, Cameron was greeted by large amounts of hobos lined up against some houses. “Sorry, I do not have enough money for the pot you will buy with said money that you claim will get you back on your feet. In fact, I am quite sure you have an exceptional life, minus the fact that you ask children for drug money.” Said Cameron. “What.” Said the hobo in a stoned haze.
Cameron ignored the pathetic human being and was heading towards the next route before some geek blocked the path. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” said the nerd. Some ultra rare amazing mind-raping pokemon just left his footprints here, so like any sane human being, I am studying them and writing an essay for my college!” “You idiot! Anybody who puts time into anything Pokemon related, like art, fan-fics, or even stories, is just a fool!” Replied Cameron. He decided to completely crush the unstudied tracks, literally smashing the nerd’s dreams right in front of his own two glasses. The nerd returned home later that day to find his mom and dad abandoned him and he got kicked out of college.
“Jesus this is soooo hard!” complained Cameron. He took this time to stop at the Pokemon Center. “Heal this Zangoose for free, or I will personally come too your house, skin your son and chase your daughter while wearing your son’s skin!” shouted Cameron while pointing a gun at the Nurse Joy. “Umm, Pokemon Centers are non-profit organizations.” Said Nurse Joy. “Did I say you could speak slave!?!?” asked Cameron. He got his Zangoose healed up (even though he took no damage in the first place) and entered the Pokemon Mart. Let’s just say it was more or less the same as the Pokemon Center experience just with more blood and death.
“It sure is great to be a law abiding citizen!” he said. He made sure to grab some Pokeballs, and despite having a CD stuffed backpack, he managed to get them in. Cameron also remembered to get some Monster Energy drinks since he had the choice between no sleep, or snuggling by some hobos. He did the only thing he could’ve done. He was about to exit Oldale but was greeted by a young girl who called herself May. “Hi there! She said. “You are my neighbor Cameron right? I am also starting my Pokemon adventure, and I was wondering if I could come with-“ Get out of my way woman, I have some tiny innocent creatures to shove into plastic balls!” Interrupted Cameron he ran towards Route 102!
After exiting Oldale, Cameron felt the need to train Floyd some. But this, unfortunately, was real life. He couldn’t just grab another Game Boy and trade some Pokemon holding rare candies (that were gotten with a gameshark) and hope it’d be fine. He had to actually put effort it. “Okay Floyd!” said Cameron. “Let’s start preparing to conquer the universe!”
The Zangoose flashed a look of confusion, but Cameron would be danged if confusion was going to stop them. “Let us commence the training montage!” said Cameron excitedly. So Floyd trained rigorously until “You’re The Best (Around)” stopped playing. He was about level 18 by that point.
“Hooray for bending the rules of time with the sheer force of music!” cheered Cameron. So remember kids. If you have a task to do, just put no effort into it and watch it get accomplished! Cameron continued down route 102 until a trainer stopped him. “Stop it right there, punk! You’re on my turf, so you follow my laws. Unless you defeat me in a Pokemon battle!” exclaimed the young trainer. “We’re grown adults here” replied Cameron. “Let’s settle this like gentlemen.” “How exactly is that?” snarled the trainer. “By stabbing an innocent child with a dirty prison shank of course!” Cameron said while stabbing him.
“Another route, another life destroyed!” laughed Cameron. He continued down the road to a patch of soil. “Here I should take the time to reflect the time on my journey.” Said Cameron. “I will plant this flower seed, for when I return it will be a blossomed daisy, representing my growth as a human being.” He stated. “Oh nevermind, that’s for f#cking emos.” Said Cameron eating the packet of seeds.
He realized he would need to get food quick, or else he will end up like one of those worthless hobos. Or even worse: That geek he met in Oldale. The very thought made him shiver. He could, of course, sell the 23,657 copies of “The Dark Side of The Moon” he had, but that wouldn’t do (especially considering he didn’t have a CD player). He had to hunt his prey down. He scooped some dirt out of the ground instead, since hunting required too much work. “Nutritious!” he mumbled with a mouthful of soil. Satisfied, Cameron continued on his quest into the city of Petalburg.
After entering Petalburg, Cameron saw a Pokemon Gym. “Holy tots! A gym this early!” thought Cameron. “At this rate, this’ll be easier than shanking a child in the open!” He walked into the gym, only to be greeted by a familiar face.
“Son! You’ve returned to your family!” said Cameron’s father. “Your mother and I have been worried sick! People are spreading rumors that you’ve done a lot of nasty things. Like killing a merchant and a young boy.” “Who would say such preposterous things?” said Cameron, trying to hold back his sarcasm. “You know, just the police and stuff.” Replied his dad. Just before Cameron could add another victim to the list, a young boy entered the room. “Ummm. Could you possibly teach me how to catch a Pokemon, leader Norman?” he asked. “Sure! As a matter-of-fact, I’ll have my son teach you!” Exclaimed Cameron’s dad. “Yes child! Fall before the wrath of Cameron!” laughed Cameron.
He took the young trainer outside to a patch of grass. “We should get to know each other! I’m Wally!” said the kid. “Hmm. Is that so? Well I don’t really care.” Replied Cameron. “So the trick to catching Pokemon is stabbing them just in the riiight spot. Mess up and you could end up with a large scar on your face. Luckily, there are many things that you could use to help with your capture. You could use some rat poison to kill it, then skin it. “Uh, aren’t you supposed to capture Pokemon?” asked Wally. “Mwahaha! Silly noob! Only geeks catch Pokemon, and trust me – you do not want to be a geek.” Chuckled Cameron. “Oh. I see. Well thanks for teaching me!” said Wally. “No problem! Now carry me home peasant!” ordered Cameron “I don’t even know where you live!” whined Wally. “No questions, manservant!” exclaimed Cameron.