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  #1    
Old February 28th, 2014 (02:49 PM). Edited April 17th, 2014 by Doctor.
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- Halted! For now. Since I've begun to properly write this story in my native language instead. -


The Color Of Your Hand

Friends and enemies at the university of a peculiar city gain strange, colorful powers and
learn that their world is of dimensions they never thought possible...
This is a good theme song.
This actually is too.



If you read this, a review or just a comment would be highly appreciated!
Even if it's just a comment on a single or a few chapters at a time :3
Thank you.

PART ONE
1. The Diary
2. The Hole In The Wall
3. The Cold Night
4. The Girl
5. The Burning Party
6. The Street
7. The Stalkers
8. The End

PART TWO
9. ...
---

1. The Diary

A blue, somewhat wet, pocket sized book, lying all alone on the sidewalk with only the faint light of the streetlamp to keep it company. It had got to be a diary. Partly because no other books looked like that nowadays. Blue with golden lines and a thin, golden colored string hanging out as if it was a bookmark. And partly because the word SECRET was written in large letters, also gold, across the cover. Yep, it was a diary alright. I picked it up.

Should I read it? As if someone would be watching me, I glanced up and down the street before I opened it up. Not a soul could have seen me. Only half the pages were filled, I noticed after a quick glance. Someone had dropped it here. Dropped a little book full of secret stories, for me to find. It made me feel strange. Maybe I should have just left it. It wasn't mine to keep, and I certainly didn't have any obligation to save it somehow. Or did I?

I looked down on the innocent thing in my hands. Something was oddly thrilling about it. A mystery. Someone's life story.

No, I wouldn't put it back down on the street. I couldn't.

Ten minutes later, I entered the house where I lived. Said hi to my parents briefly before hurrying upstairs to my own room, closing the door behind me. The diary was still in my hand, and I hadn't properly read any page yet. I didn't want to ruin it. If I was really going to do this, if I was really going to enter someone else's life, I wasn't just going to do it casually.

Maybe it belonged to a kid. Scribbles, not even proper sentences. Nah, I had seen proper words while I skimmed through it in the street earlier. A sleek, simple handwriting. Simple, but elegant. That of a girl... Probably.

It could also be just a recollection of events. Or thoughts. Plain, uninteresting. Oh, that would have disappointed me. But of course, when I sat down on my bed and opened up the first page, I wasn't disappointed. No. I was promised. And from that day, nothing was the same again.

Sometimes, I think she left it there on purpose, for me to find. Somehow. In any case, it began with the story of Martin. So that's where I will begin my story as well. When Martin woke up one day, in his room, and wondered how the hell he got there.
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Old February 28th, 2014 (02:59 PM).
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2. The Hole In The Wall

"What did I do last night?"

The question a college student living on the wild side often posed for himself. Hopefully, the answer was found eventually, through sudden recollection, embarrassing flashbacks or explanations from friends. In Martin's case though, nobody seemed to know. It was as if the whole of yesterday had disappeared from his memory. Instead of worrying people with questions though, Martin decided to accept it as a fact already somewhere before noon. He'd lost a day. Okay. No panic. He wasn't hurt, he didn't feel ill. Nothing bad could have happened. Smile.

He kept the smile until the first class after lunch. Suddenly, when the lecturer was explaining a particularly long equation, he felt it. The first surge. It was more of a sting, as if something had suddenly bit his finger. He looked down at it. It was indeed looking a bit red. How?

Bending down beneath his desk, he started looking for a spider or something. But he felt it again. His right hand... hurt. Or, it felt warm somehow. Or cold? Something was happening to it, in any case, and in a micro second his head shot back up again, to look at it.

The whole hand was red.

Not just bruised red. This was... a shimmering red. A flaring red. Almost pink in color, yet very purely red and nothing else. What. The. Hell.

"Gustaf," Martin said.

"Schh," came the reply from his benchmate.

"Look. Please look."

"What?"

Gustaf turned to glare at the flustered Martin. He was clutching his right arm with his left hand, looking like he was about to scream but kept his mouth shut with some effort.

"What are you going on about?" Gustaf whispered, shaking his head.

"My arm!" Martin squeaked.

"You having a stroke or something?"

"I don't know... I... Have to get out of here."

Before Gustaf could say anything more, Martin simply got up, jumped his way out from the middle row in the lecture hall and stormed out the door, still clutching his arm. The lecturer got lost in a sentence and stared after him for a moment, then turned to look back up at Gustaf, who shrugged.

Outside the building, Martin finally stopped. He panted and leaned against the outer wall. When he could breathe properly again, his heart still pumping faster than it should though, he dared to lift his right hand again.

Nothing now. All pink and normal. No shimmer, no red.

Gustaf hadn't seen it at the lecture. How come Martin had? Was he hallucinating? He didn't know what he had been doing last night... Oh, no. Had someone poisoned him? Or driven him mad and made him go bonkers. He was seeing things, clearly.

Somewhat angered by this new belief, he turned around and hit the wall with his fist. The wall shattered. A cracking hole in the concrete wall had formed, and in its midst was Martin's blazing hand. Blazing in red. Smoky, fiery, shimmery... Color.

"Blimey," a voice came from behind, making Martin pull his hand back and almost jump up.

It was Gustaf, and the look he was giving his friend now wasn't as annoyed as in the lecture hall. It was a look of surprise and... Amazement?

"Wha-what are you doing here?" Martin stuttered, holding his red hand close to his chest.

"Teacher asked me to check up on you. You just stormed out," he said plainly, not taking his eyes off the hole in the wall. "Did I just see you do that?"

Martin looked around them nervously. The main street of the campus lay close, but people were too busy hurrying between lectures to bother with a couple of confused guys standing by a broken wall. "I don't know. Did you? Did anyone else?"

"Doesn't seem like it," Gustaf said and walked closer. "How?"

"I told you, my hand."

"Your hand what?"

"It's red. It's glowing or shining or something, in red. And I just punched and..."

"You've got a superpower," Gustaf said, eyes narrowing. "What did you do last night?"

"I was just... Training. And studying. And..."

"I thought you said you didn't remember?"

"I was... Just..."

"Look," Gustaf said, putting two calm, broad hands on Martin's shoulders and fixing his brown eyes eyes with Martin's bright blue ones. "I'm your best pal. You know that, right?"

Martin let out a breath and dropped his arms to his sides. None was glowing in red at the moment. "I know," he said. "I'm fine now. Back to class?"

"Hell no," Gustaf said, making Martin look up at him again. The bigger guy's eyes were glimmering. "Let's go figure this thing out!"
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Old March 1st, 2014 (02:48 AM). Edited March 13th, 2014 by Doctor.
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3. The Cold Night

This late in the evening, the football field at the edge of campus was deserted. The late summer sky had gone a dark blue, but Martin's hand shone as red as ever. They had gone back to the lecture hall after class to hurriedly fetch their belongings, then they had spent the whole afternoon exploring just what Martin could suddenly do.

He was stronger than the day before, that's for sure. But only when his hand lit up. Gustaf still couldn't see it; to him Martin was just tipping boxes and catching impossible balls with a normal hand. But to Martin, it was starting to feel more and more surreal. Though, not necessarily in a bad way.

The redness, the color, he wasn't sure what to call it. But it didn't stay around his hand. As he focused more and more, he could make it travel up along his whole arm. And it didn't hurt, not really. There was some other kind of feeling, as if the feel, cold and heat receptors in his skin cells were all activated at once. It just... felt.

"This is so strange," he finally said, after having somehow made the color reach out and help his hand grab a soccer ball that should have shot past him through the air after Gustaf had thrown it.

"You've been doping," Gustaf suddenly said, firmly, standing a few meters away from him. They both stayed just outside the light from the huge spotlights set up around the arena. Not all of them were turned on during nighttime.

"What?"

"Performance drugs. That's gotta be it. Someone snuck it into your water flask at soccer training last day. For sure."

"No, no, that's not it," Martin sighed and dropped the ball onto the grass. "You still don't believe me about the color?"

"I can't see any color."

"But I can."

"Drugs are probably making you hallucinate."

Martin swallowed hard. He couldn't really argue that it wasn't true; he had been thinking the exact same thing earlier today. What if that was it? A new, strange performance drug. Making people believe they had turned into super heroes with a red force in their hand. What happened yesterday?


On the opposite side of the field, two other guys were walking. One was dragging a large net filled with soccer balls. The other was carrying a load of orange cones, and I'll let you know that his name was Richard. He made sure to keep his distance from the guy with the net. He didn't trust him for one second, and the last thing he wanted right now was to be jumped in the dark on the soccer field.

Richard had lost it at the practice match earlier today. The Red Rivers versus the Blue Beasts; the biggest rivals when it came to school teams. The other guy, Gyles, was just so... Arrogant and stupid! He had said something really condescending about Martin at the game. Sure, half the Rivers were thinking the same thing. Martin, the star of the Red Rivers, their main goal maker, had somehow decided to skip the match today. But even though Richard was disappointed in his teammate, he wouldn't let a Beast pass such a comment unnoticed. He didn't even remember what the exact words had been now, but there and then he had thrown himself over Gyles and punched him in the face. It had felt so good, for just a moment. Then his hand had ached, and the coach had pulled him up from on top of Gyles with a grip on his ear.

Both of them had received detention in the end, to Richard's bitter delight, which basically meant cleaning up the storage rooms in the arena. It had taken them hours, so they didn't finish until now. It was already dark. Richard sighed again, sending daggers through his glare into Gyles' back before he shook his head and turned to stare at something else, anything else, as they walked the last distance across the field.

The sight of two familiar figures at the edge of the light caught his attention. One was tall, broad, with brown hair and a hooded sweatshirt. The other one was slimmer, with blonde spiky hair and a jacket bearing the words "Red Rivers" on its back. Richard broke into a smile of recognition before he remembered that he should be angry at his teammate. Martin had simply not showed up at the game. What was that all about? It wasn't like him.

He was about to shout out to the figures, when something in the corner of his eye drew his attention. Gyles had stopped too, and he wasn't merely looking at Gustaf and Martin. He was staring, intensively, with a wrinkle in his forehead.

"Oi, stop that," Richard grunted and put the cones down.

But when he looked up again, the Blue Beast had left the spot. He marched towards Martin and Gustaf, who just entered the spotlight on the field now, chatting calmly together.

"Leave them alone, you idiot!" Richard shouted and followed Gyles. There was no way he'd let the Beast take revenge on Martin for the punch earlier. With the unusual look on Gyles' face though, it seemed like Richard would have to make quite an effort to stop him.


Martin heard the shouts and spotted the two newcomers walking towards them over the field. He froze.

Gustaf grunted. "What are those two up to? Don't worry, we probably quit experimenting before they got here. They couldn't have seen anything weird."

But Martin just kept staring into the bright green eyes of the young man approaching quickly over the field. He hardly even registered that Richard was running towards them as well.

Suddenly, Gyles stopped in his tracks. There were still ten meters or so, of grass and air, in between him and Martin. The two rivals faced each other with bewildered looks, in the middle of a stadium spotlight. Richard slowed down, giving Gustaf a questioning look, to which the larger guy responded with a shrug.

They didn't see what Martin saw.

Gyles' whole body was a flaming, shimmering, smoky red color. It was as if the Beast had enveloped his whole body in the same strange power which was now crawling up Martin's arm. His heart rate picked up speed again. How could this be possible? Sure, they could both have had the same experience yesterday, but how could Martin see the color around someone else? Unless it wasn't a hallucination after all...

The face of Gyles was terrifying to Martin. It was empty, yet intensive. Green eyes had never stared so hard from such a pale face at Martin before. His biggest rival in soccer, the star of the Blue Beasts. Covered in red. Was he angry at Martin for something? I mean, angrier than usual?

Martin couldn't help it any longer. He felt an overpowering need to defend himself. And a strange kind of intuition told him to raise his right, blazing hand and... Fire.

A smoky, swift wave of color shot out from his hand, straight at Gyles. It struck him in the chest and made him stagger backwards. Somewhere, Richard gave up a shout. To him and Gustaf, it must have looked like the two rivals were playing pretend, waving their hands in the air. After stabilizing himself, Gyles only opened and closed his mouth quickly.

But colors had been flying. Martin felt numb as he saw Gyles raise his own hand and fling it in Martin's direction. Another wave of color flew, and Martin barely managed to raise his own red hand to shield himself from it. As the wave struck, he felt a surge go through his body. All his senses activated at once, and he screamed. Just a quick, small scream of astonishment more than anything else. And when he looked down next, he saw his own body flare up.

He was covered in it. He was all red. Just like Gyles. His eyes suddenly saw the world through as through a faintly red filter.

"What..." he began faintly.

"Stop it now," came Gustaf's voice from behind him. Martin turned to look, confusedly, at his friend, who walked slowly towards him with a serious face and an outstretched hand. "This is something bad."

"Watch out!" Richard yelled all of a sudden.

Martin didn't turn back in time.

Gyles had launched a bigger wave of color, using both arms this time, and Richard, being blind to the color, had dashed in between the rivals in a desperate attempt to stop whatever voodoo was going on. Martin only saw the wave of flashing color hit his teammate, heard him gasp, and watched him fall to the ground, face down.

For one long second, everything went completely quiet.

"What did you do?" Martin then yelled and threw himself down over Richard's body.

Gustaf faced Gyles, who looked coldly down upon his victim, then up to return Gustaf's gaze for a moment, before he simply turned on the spot and walked away. The net of soccer balls was left lying in the grass.

Martin rolled Richard over and let out a breath of relief when he saw that he was still awake. But not well.

"It's... Cold. So c-cold," Richard murmured with a shuddering body.

"Call an ambulance! Help!" Martin called out to Gustaf or anyone who would hear.

"Ah... What's ha-happening? Help-p."

"Color..." Martin said, feeling himself falling into shock. This was a bit too much. He didn't even know if he was red anymore. It didn't matter. He put a shaking hand onto Richard's head, stroking his dark brown, curly hair without knowing what to do, how to help.

But the intuition came back. Richard was cold. He could help. He could help. He had no idea how he thought the same kind of power that had hurt his teammate could save him, but he had to try. Something told him that this was what he needed to do.

His right hand was buried in Richard's hair, the other resting on his chest. Richard's eyes were closing, his breath becoming slower. No. Martin's hands both flared up with red.

A gasp went out from Richard, and his body arched. The red color traveled up Martin's arms, once again starting to cover the whole of him. But at the same time, the color also flew out from his hands, into Richard.

"What are you doing? You're hurting him even more!" Gustaf said, grabbing Martin's red shoulder to try and drag him away. But he quickly pulled his hand back as if he had been burned. Martin hardly even noticed.

The color enveloped the whimpering Richard. Martin let go. The color shone brighter and began to change... It went from pure red to something brighter.

And then it vanished. Richard lay on the grass, breathing normally without shudders or whimpers. Martin let out a huge breath and rolled back to lie on the ground too.

Gustaf leaned in over them. "How are you feeling?" he said, after seemingly having chosen his words carefully for a moment.

"I'm okay," Martin said weakly.

"Me too," Richard growled and sat up.

Martin got up, leaning on a shoulder, and watched him. What exactly had just happened anyways? Had he actually healed Richard from some sort of injury caused by Gyles and a red color power?

"I... Whoa. Look at this!" Richard said, eyes widening as he waved his hands in front of himself. "You seeing this? Where did that come from?"

Gustaf didn't say anything, but narrowed his eyes suspiciously and turned to Martin. The look on his face confirmed the suspicions.

"He's got a color too now?"

"Yes..." Martin breathed and watched the shimmering that covered both of Richard's hands as the curly haired guy merely chuckled in amusement at this new feature. "But not red. He is... Pink?"

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  #4    
Old March 1st, 2014 (05:46 AM). Edited March 2nd, 2014 by Doctor.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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4. The Girl

But you said it was a girl. A girl's handwriting. In the diary.

That's what you are thinking now, isn't it? And yes, I did say that. That was my guess when I first read it. And it was true, I can reveal that much.

But there are no girls in this story. How could she have known all these details? Did she make all this up?

She had an incredible capacity for empathy. She could understand things about a person by just looking at them. She understood me... That, and she kind of forced the guys to retell what happened. With excruciating detail.

But we're skipping ahead. Let's focus on Martin, Richard and Gustaf now, and what happened next for them. For now, we'll regard Gyles as they did; a mystery. An arrogant, stupid mystery.


Richard didn't want to go to sleep that night, and Martin didn't want to stay awake. After finally having convinced Richard to go home to his own corridor room, Gustaf led the somewhat exhausted Martin back to his place and made sure he got in alright. Practicing his "super power" all day and doing whatever it was he had done to Richard had taken its toll on him. Even before Gustaf closed the door on him and locked it with the spare key, he was pretty sure Martin had drifted off into sleep on his bed already.

The next day, Richard wouldn't leave them alone. Gustaf seemed to be eyeing the soccer players with a more reserved composure than he did yesterday, no longer urging Martin to test his abilities. Richard, on the other hand, wanted them to help him test his own. When he found them in the cafeteria in the middle of campus at noon, he told them he had already experienced being faster than he used to be. Quicker, smoother, just faster.

"And this purple, pink thing, I'm pretty sure I can shoot it. Like, pierce stuff with it."

"Don't pierce anything important, or I'll pierce your guts next," Gustaf barked all of a sudden.

They were sitting down in a corner of the cafeteria, the noise of eating and chattering allowing them to talk about what had happened without anyone being able to listen in. Martin had been unusually quiet and pale the whole morning, and Richard had joined them between classes to talk and talk and talk.

"Hey, what do you think I am, an idiot?" the curly haired soccer player said with an offended look.

"Well," Gustaf said slowly with an arched brow. "What are your classmates saying about you hanging around with us all of a sudden?"

"Oh," Richard said and looked around. Two faces at another table quickly turned away from having sort of stared at them for a while. "Don't mind them. I'll just tell them I've met a new guy I like," he said with a grin and winked at Martin, who only returned it with a blank glare.

Gustaf rubbed his forehead at the soccer player's antics. "So the colors are real?"

"Obviously," Richard said.

"Gyles," Martin finally said, making the other two look at him expectantly. "He had it too. He was all red."

"He was?" Richard said. "I didn't see it."

"You had passed out, no wonder," Gustaf said.

"I didn't pass out," Richard retorted.

"I've finished," Martin said, abruptly standing up with his tray in hand.


Classes held Richard occupied for the reminder of the afternoon, giving Martin some space. Gustaf respected his wish to walk home alone, so Martin slowly made his way back on his own to the building complex where the student corridors were. Now and then he met a teammate and received a glaring look. Right... He had been so winded up yesterday that he hadn't been able to go to the game. They had lost against the Blue Beasts. Maybe because he hadn't been there to make his famous scores. As if the whole team depended on him. He wasn't that good.

Suddenly, he almost walked into someone. A rather short girl, standing with her back towards him in the middle of the street. Her hair was a light brown in a page haircut and she was wearing a simple, blue dress. A bit too cold for this late in the summer.

"Hello?" Martin heard himself say instead of just walking by her.

She turned around and looked up at him with big, round eyes. Bright blue, just like his own.

"Hello," she said tentatively.

"What's the matter? Have you gotten lost or something?"

She raised an eyebrow. "How old do you think I am, ten?"

Martin was a little taken aback by that response. No, not ten. But a teenager, probably. Younger than him... Maybe?

"No, I was just... Asking. You were just standing here."

"I like to stand around."

Again, a rather weird reply.

"Right here?"

"Apparently."

"Okay then. Well, I don't, so... Bye," he said with a smile and walked past her, wondering about the randomness of this exchange.

"Wait," he heard her say, and stopped. "Wait a minute."

"Yeah?"

He turned to see that she was looking at him intently. As if she was really struggling with what to say.

"Do you go to the university?" she finally asked.

"Yes. I'm an engineer. Or, I mean, I will be. Or so I hope." Too much information to such a casual question? "Do you go here?"

"No," she replied, and actually flashed a little smile. "I'm too young still. Maybe in a couple of years."

He smiled back, just because why wouldn't he? "See you then," he said before he picked up the pace again.

"Yes. See you," the girl said behind him.


Martin was still feeling tired, but he wouldn't let that control him this evening. It was Friday. Guilt from having skipped the game yesterday was starting to come over him more strongly, and he promised himself to walk up and apologize to all his teammates at the party. The big party tonight. Nothing special, just big. People from all parts of the university programs were invited to a student driven pub in the basement of one of the complex buildings. It happened now and then. He'd tell them he had been feeling sick. Stomach ache, food poisoning perhaps. Richard would be there to back his lie up. Yeah.

And the day before yesterday. Looking into the mirror on his wall, studying his casual attire for the party, he drifted off into uncomfortable thoughts. Why couldn't he remember? The full day, gone. And by now it was obvious that something had happened to him. It bothered him. No panic anymore, just bother.

He lifted his left hand and watched it in the mirror. With only a slight effort, he made it flare up in shimmering red color. It enveloped the hand, as if it was a shield, a centimeter or two thick. But it was also inside of him, he could feel that. It wasn't just his right hand now. It was his whole being. He was turning red. And he still had no clue why.

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  #5    
Old March 1st, 2014 (11:39 PM).
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Happy late birthday! :D

Quote:
Gyles was just so... So arrogant and stupid!
The second "so" here shouldn't be capitalized as it's still part of the same sentence.

Quote:
Took hours. Didn't finish until now, when it was already dark.
I don't like the "Took hours" being all by its self. I understand your writing style from the last project you posted, but I really think you should add something before it, since I find the flow of the story is interrupted.

Quote:
He was starting. Intensively, with a wrinkle in his forehead.
I think you mean "staring" instead of "starting".

Quote:
He is... Pink?"
Ha! Pink! :V

Quote:
Gustaf was even more suspicious than yesterday,
I'm having issues with this. I feel like I should be wary of Gustaf now, and for all of the wrong reasons. I can understand wanting the reader to start thinking of Gustaf as a suspicious character, but let the reader decide that. With this sentence, I feel like my opinion is being forced on me. Instead of telling us that Gustaf is suspicious, show us through his development, which is something I know you can do.

I'm having issues with more than a few incomplete sentences, but since you insist this is your writing style, I'll leave it alone.

I did get a little lost during the big confrontation at the soccer field. I wasn't exactly sure who was doing what, when. It could be the fact that I should have slept before I made the decision to review. Anyway, I did have to go back and carefully read regardless, so I'm not sure if it's just me.

Other than that, I am really enjoying this story. Once again, your strength really comes out in your characters and how they interact with each other. It's the dialogue and description that make them come alive and I'm actually a little jealous. I'm curious to see how the powers, diary, and this strange girl that I'm pretty sure Martin just spoke to all ties together. I really hope I have the time to read through future chapters because you have piqued my interest here, and I simply must know what happens.
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Old March 2nd, 2014 (06:14 AM).
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I appreciate your feedback so much, Nick <3

I'll likely edit the parts you point out, I trust your sense of language better than my own.

About Gustaf, I understand. Seems I always have this problem that I happen to tell rather than show. It's difficult. Especially since the narrator isn't an omnipotent voice here (only nearly) but actually another character retelling a story. It'll make sense eventually. Hm, confuze. I'll try to reword that part though.

And "incomplete sentences", yeah haha. Feel free to point them out though, and I can see if I want to change them or not :) If you ever are really bored and have the energy to go through them, haha.

The soccer field confrontation was confusing to write >.< I knew it. I guess action involving several people isn't my strongest side. I'll try to rework it a bit. Maybe make it less rushed? More clear who's doing what. Don't want people to have read through it several times to understand what's going on when it's such as simple thing as one person firing an energy beam at another.


Cool that you like the story though! It's not easy to pitch an original plot and setting in a forum meant for pokémon fanfics :p This is actually the idea I spoke of earlier, schoolkids vs random city people you know. And I think it turned out a mix of the two. Students instead of high school, and some randomcityfolk. We'll see. This is all very unrefined and mostly an experiment for me to finally, actually, putting this big plan into words. English words instead of Swedish, which is a bit weird haha. But I'm used to writing in English anyways.

I'm glad you think the characterization works. There will be a LOT of "main" characters in this, so I need to define them all. Inside my head, they've been unique individuals for a long time already. I hope I can show them as I think of them, to you.
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Old March 2nd, 2014 (11:12 AM).
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Nolafus
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Quote:
And "incomplete sentences", yeah haha. Feel free to point them out though, and I can see if I want to change them or not If you ever are really bored and have the energy to go through them, haha.

I won't go and find every incomplete sentence, but I'll explain what I mean. I struggle with this myself and I always seem to have a couple of these in my essays for college. Anyway:
Quote:
Dropped a little book full of secret stories, for me to find.
This right here is an example of an incomplete sentence. The reason it's incomplete, is because there's no subject mentioned. There's a couple nouns in there with the book and the speaker, but no subject. I presume, from context, that the subject of this sentence is the girl that dropped the diary. However, she's not mentioned. This sounds like more of an add-on to a sentence, rather than it standing all by itself.

Quote:
Flaming, shimmering, smoky red.
The same thing applies here. In fact, if you were to replace a few periods with commas, a lot of the incomplete sentences would disappear.

So that's what I mean about the incomplete sentences. There are points where you can get away with that, but I feel like you're pushing it here. Commas are pretty much the bane of every writer who has ever tried anything, so don't feel like you're not doing a good job here. It's still a great story, but there's a couple issues.
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Old March 2nd, 2014 (12:17 PM).
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Ah, stuff like this:
Quote:
Someone had dropped it here. Dropped a little book full of secret stories, for me to find.
This, I'm not gonna quit with. I want to type like this, haha. It's an addon yeah, "someone" is the subject and I don't feel like it needs to be stated again. Doesn't seem as elegant as making these so called incomplete sentences. I'm not writing a perfectly strict prose, I'm painting a story with words. Grammar can run and hide now and then, if it gives the story a better feel 8)

I admit in some places I could have used a ; or even : instead. Or a comma here or there.

But in your last example:
Quote:
Gyles' whole body was red. Flaming, shimmering, smoky red.
I totally did that on purpose too. I guess this is just one point we must agree to disagree on, haha. However, I shall stop and sort of taste each sentence for a bit longer before I move on in the future. Maybe it's more widely accepted in Swedish writing to use incomplete sentences to get a certain style of writing, than it is in the English language.
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Old March 2nd, 2014 (12:27 PM).
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Maybe it's more widely accepted in Swedish writing to use incomplete sentences to get a certain style of writing, than it is in the English language.
Ah, this could be it. I'll just keep my grumblings mostly to myself then.
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Old March 2nd, 2014 (12:44 PM).
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Haha no, I'll always savor your grumblings and try to improve! 8D If I'm writing in English, I should probably try to make it proper instead of Swenglish, after all. Edited the soccer field scene, hopefully it's a liiiiittle easier to follow now.
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Old March 2nd, 2014 (02:25 PM). Edited March 13th, 2014 by Doctor.
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5. The Burning Party

The Gamma complex had the biggest student pub on its basement floor. It held its lounge, dancefloor and two bars open every week, for those on campus with time to spend. I admit, I didn't go there very often. But I think I was actually here on this particular Friday night. Yes, I even remember bumping into Gyles and getting a cold stare back. For some reason he'd never liked me much at all. He just made a habit of picking whom to like and not like. And this particular evening, he wasn't exactly feeling alright anyways. Red, shimmering stuff hid within him, if you recall. So in retrospect, I kind of forgive him for being rude there and then. Kind of.

Richard and his best friends were at the party too. They seldom missed them. Neither did Martin, being the popular star of the Red Rivers and all. And even though he'd rather crawl down underneath a blanket and stop thinking at this point, he did eventually arrive at the Gamma building as well, together with Gustaf.

The pub was divided into different parts, all of them sporting green walls. Only seconds after Martin had entered the lounge area, Richard waved to him and made his way over. His two friends were left standing at the bar, watching him go without saying anything. It made Martin feel a bit uncomfortable. Not that he had anything against Richard, really. It was just this whole color business. He wasn't sure he wanted to understand it, and all Richard talked about was examining their abilities further.

"Guess what I did before getting here," Richard said, loud enough to be heard above the music and chattering.

"Pulled up your zipper?" Gustaf suggested.

"Actually yes, but that's not the point. I covered nearly my whole body in pink. Almost like you said you did yesterday!" Richard smiled towards Martin. "Isn't that just fabulous? A flaming, pink man."

"Boy, you mean," Gustaf muttered as he looked around the room. Didn't take him long to find two pointy, green eyes staring back at them from across the room, belonging to a certain blond soccer player with a beer he seemed to have forgotten about.

"Oi!" Richard said with fake hurt, as the smile betrayed him.

"He's here," Gustaf said quietly into Martin's ear. "Do you want to go?"

Martin turned, almost feeling the glare before he met it. He swallowed, not caring about showing his nervousness to his enemy. Enemy? Since when could they be called enemies? Since yesterday?

"No," he said. "Why? He's not red now."

"What are you talking about?" Richard said, leaning in closer and realizing whom they were looking at. "Oh! That bastard. Let's go and talk to him!"

"Let's not," Gustaf said, grabbing Richard by his collar before he could take a step. "There is something wrong with that guy. We don't know if he'd do something like that again even though there are tons of people around."

"He's not stupid," Richard said, but then quickly shook his head as if disgusted with his own words. "Wait, of course he's stupid. But I mean, he-"

"Let's just buy a beer?" Martin said, suddenly smiling and putting a hand on the shoulders of the other two.

Richard and Gustaf shared a quick look before they started to follow Martin to the dancefloor area to buy something in the other bar instead.

Gyles didn't take his eyes off them as they went. But he still noticed the girl leaning towards him at the bar.

"Oh, you've made them angry," she said with a smooth voice, looking up at the tall guy with her dark, heavily painted eyes.

The Blue Beast didn't reply or look at her, but he sighed.

"They'll come for you," the girl continued, putting down her drink and twirling a bit of her straight, black hair between her fingers. When he didn't respond again, she stood up on her toes and tickled his cheek with the hair. He jiggled slightly and finally looked down at her.

"Unless you come for them first. And I know just whom to begin with."

She smiled suggestively and turned to look back towards the dancefloor area. In the doorway, a soccer player with dark curls still stood and eyed them darkly, even more so when he noticed that they were looking at him again.

Gyles put down his beer and walked away, but not towards Richard. He exited into the garden.

The girl at the bar calmly turned back to sip on her drink, smiling even wider when she saw Richard follow her companion out. Good boy, she thought.


There was a wind blowing outdoors, making it slightly too cold to be outside without a jacket on. But Gyles didn't seem bothered at all, where he stood a few meters out on the lawn. Lights from the Gamma party danced on his back. Richard approached him carefully.

"Who do you think you are?" he said, rather loudly.

"I think I am better than you," Gyles replied. His tone was plain, his voice almost hissing.

"Really?" Richard said, raising his eyebrows. It wasn't the answer he'd expected, but it also didn't surprise him much. "Wanna bet?"

It felt so good, firing up his hands with pink power. The color whirled around his arms, danced together with the party lights behind them. This was strength, Richard thought and grinned darkly.

Gyles turned around and seemed to study Richard's display for a brief moment. Then he fired up as well. The shimmering red instantly covered his whole body, like a flaming shield of color.

Richard was pumped up. He really wanted this. He'd show that guy. Totally show him.

"Take this!" he shouted and thrust a hand forward. A ray of pink color beamed from him and hit Gyles red shield.

The effect was different from when Martin had fired his color yesterday. Gyles' face grimaced and he almost flinched, clutching his stomach where the beam had hit.

"Ha!" Richard cheered, bewildered by the success. "How's that feel, eh? Wanna say something bad about the Rivers now, huh?"

Gyles looked back up through the red filter, eyes not really looking brightly green any longer. He stood up, the red flaming up brighter as he raised both his hands. Just like he had done yesterday.

"Come on!" Richard roared, making an effort to turn his pink color brighter and more intensive as well. It finally traveled up the full length of his arms and reached his chest, where it latched on like a jacket. "I'm not afraid of you."

"Sure," Gyles said, and flung the red wave of color forwards.

The attack hit Richard hard. He had to lean forwards and shield himself with his pink arms to stay standing, but it didn't really hurt. It burned a little, maybe, but he could take it. He could.

As the wave subsided, Richard laughed between hard breaths. "That all you got?"

"Stop it!" another voice called out all of a sudden. Gustaf was running towards them on the lawn, a very angry look on his face. "Richard, cut it out, it's bad!" he shouted.

"No it's not, it's good!" Richard called back. "You stop, or else-"

As Richard watched, a red wave of color suddenly struck Gustaf, etching a surprised look on his face before he fell face down into the grass. Richard gasped, his pink whirls dissipated and he spun around to look at Gyles. The Beast was still flaming red. Not even a triumphant smile on his face as he walked away, his color fading slowly as he got closer to the Gamma building.

Richard stood like frozen for many seconds, before a groan from Gustaf made him stumble forwards and sink to his knees beside the fallen man.

"Burning," Gustaf whimpered and rolled around with a very pained look on his face.

"I... Didn't... Martin!" Richard called out, at loss for ideas on what else to do.

Martin actually called back.

"What did you do?" he asked worriedly as he was suddenly at Richard's side, sitting down and putting a hand onto Gustaf's shivering head. "I saw Gyles come back in, still with one hand flaming in red."

"Sorry, I'm so sorry," Richard yelped. "Gyles shot him, just like he shot me."

"I can help him. I can help him," Martin said, like a mantra.

"Yes, you can, can't you?"

"Of course I can."

He didn't know if he could. He had no idea of what he had done to help Richard yesterday. It had just happened.

"I'm burning up..." Gustaf said, before his eyes rolled up and he stopped shaking.

Richard gasped and stood up, terrified. "Gustaf!"

He said he was warm. So Martin would have to cool him down. Easy. He could do that. Somehow. He put one hand on Gustaf's chest and kept the other on his head. He closed his eyes and concentrated.

Before Richard's eyes, Martin became surrounded by red color again, and it traveled down through his hands into the body on the ground. The shade of it changed, and Gustaf soon gasped for air as his body arched upwards in cramps. Martin pulled away his hands and stopped shining.

"Gustaf!" Richard called out again, treading nervously on the spot. "Are you alright?"

Gustaf sat up and breathed slowly. He looked up at the others before raising a hand in front of him.

"You just had to do it to me too. You just had to make me believe it, didn't you?" he chuckled in defeat as a new, orange color began to dance around his hand, shimmering together with the beating lights from the Gamma complex.

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Old March 8th, 2014 (03:17 PM).
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Open every week, for those on campus with time to spend.
Here's an incomplete sentence. What's open every week? I know the subject is stated in the other sentence, but every sentence needs a subject.

Quote:
Richard and Gustaf shared a quick look before they started to follow Martin to the dancefloor area to buy something in that bar instead.
I'm having issues with "in that". It sounds a bit awkward to me. I believe the wording you're looking for is "at the", since there's not multiple bars, so you don't have to specify which one.

Quote:
The attack hit Richard hard and made him struggle to not fall backwards. He had to lean forwards and shield himself with his pink arms to stay standing.
The first sentence is telling us what happens, which makes the second sentence redundant. Although, the second sentence is showing us what happens, so I would drop the first sentence.

Quote:
It had just... Happened.
Remember, "Happened" is still a part of the sentence, so it's not capitalized.

One thing I'm noticing is that you're starting quite a few sentences with "And" or "But". Lately, this has begun to become acceptable in English writing, but only if you use it sparingly. It's more of just personal preference, but the amount of sentences that start with those two words are pushing it.

A good chapter. Man, this color is just spreading like a virus, isn't it? I don't really have any qualms with the story so far. One thing I must say is that you're starting to bring out my emotions with the story. Inside my head, I was telling Richard to just turn around and forget about Gyles, but he wouldn't listen. I actually got a little frustrated, so you're doing a great job with your characters, as always. I'll be looking forward to future updates.
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Old March 13th, 2014 (07:44 AM). Edited March 16th, 2014 by Doctor.
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6. The Street

Actually it wasn't until I had read this far in the blue diary, that I started to really think. These people, I knew the names and faces of them from the university. Could they really be hiding strange powers? I tried finding dates for the entries, but there were none. The girl had not bothered stating when these events took place, only in what order.

I also had to consider the possibility that this was all made up. Maybe it wasn't a diary at all, instead merely the imaginations of some strange writer who incorporated real people into her stories.

Yet, my guts told me that this wasn't all made up. I wanted to believe it, somehow. Silly me, I thought at the time, even though I couldn't help it. In retrospect, I wonder how events would have transpired if I had tossed the diary aside and stopped reading there. Better not ponder that.

The diary never gave me much background on where these happenings took place. I'm describing the Gamma dormitories and much else with my own words. Of course the writer had no need to describe the setting to herself. But you might need to know.

Rivenhold was a fairly large city, featuring everything you needed to lead a decent life. There were shopping malls, sports arenas, shiny office buildings as well as filthy industrial areas. There was also a wide river running through the city, crossing a thin band of forest that stood between a suburban area and the university. Obviously, the Red River had given name to one of the soccer teams there.

The university itself was also one of Rivenhold's main landmarks. One long, main street ran through the whole area and lining it were all the different university buildings. At the end of the street, to the north and south, lay two groups of dormitories where a good chunk of the students lived. Not me, of course. I was born in Rivenhold and didn't have a problem with staying with my parents. I lived in the suburban area right on the other side of the forest.

I don't think you need to know more now.

Martin, Richard and Gustaf had all one color each now. Over the weekend, other people didn't see much of the three. They kept to themselves, as Gustaf had finally accepted that they should try and see what their colors could do again. After all, he wasn't going to possess some strange orange power without getting to know what it was.

On Sunday evening, Martin was exhausted once more. Reviving Gustaf had been difficult. Flaring his whole body up in red color several times over the last days to try and show Richard how it was done, that had been really difficult towards the end. As Martin walked the length of the campus street in the sunset, to get from the arena in the south to his dormitories in the north, he started to wonder why using the color was so exhausting. Did it use actual energy from the body, like the energy you get from food? Or did it make you need more sleep? He felt mentally tired, but that could come from wild soccer games too, so it didn't really tell him anything.

That was when he nearly walked into someone again. A green dress this time, and a dark canvas jacket that was almost as long as the dress was. The girl turned around with a slightly surprised face.

"Sorry," she said before he could open his mouth even. "I'm standing around again."

"I can see," Martin said plainly.

The girl sighed. "It happens. It's a nice street."

Martin followed her gaze and then raised an eyebrow. "You think so?"

"Yeah. I guess you don't see it, since you walk it every day. But it's nice."

"Right. So that's why you're here on campus, even though you're too young to study? To look at a street?"

The girl suddenly put her hands on her hips and looked up at Martin with a stubborn face.

"Maybe. What do you care?"

"I keep walking into you."

"Walk somewhere else, then."

"Stand somewhere else, maybe!"

The two went silent for a second or two, then both burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea why I keep defending myself," the girl said finally. "I swear, I just enjoy taking walks around the city, and I often end up on campus because, truth be told, I do like it here."

"It's fine," Martin smiled back. "Really. I'm just... really tired."

"I can see," the girl said, suddenly with an examining look. "What's your name?"

"Martin."

"I'm Lisa."

"Lie-suh?"

"No, no, Lee-Suh!"

"Right. Lisa, I should probably get home before I fall asleep here in the street, okay?"

"Probably should."

"Okay. See you on your next promenade or something," Martin said and gave her a little tired wave before taking a step forward.

But only one. Then he stopped again, just beside the girl.

"What now?" she asked and turned around to follow his stare. When she saw it, her eyes widened too. "Oh... Him."

Gyles was walking towards them, up the hill from the dormitories. A red shimmer surrounded his hands, casually, as if he had gotten used to always having them lighted up. He spotted Martin after Martin spotted him, and came to a stop as well.

"Maybe we should take another path," Lisa said quietly.

Martin nodded, but then realized the strangeness in her words. She wasn't going to the university, so how could she know that they were soccer team rivals? And if she didn't know, what else could make her know that Martin would rather not come face to face with Gyles on a next to empty street?

Lisa seemed to notice his confusion, because she looked up at him with urgency. "Please believe me. I think he wants me something bad. He's... He's got something strange on him."

"Strange? You mean the red color?"

Lisa blinked. "You can see it?"

"You can see it?" Martin asked back, somewhat astonished.

Gyles started to move towards them again, the color climbing up his arms.

Lisa grabbed Martin's arm and pulled. "Let's just get out of here."

"Agreed," Martin said, letting his hand slip into hers without thinking closely about it, and dragged her along as he ran up the street back to the university buildings.

They didn't stop until they were inside house One, past a few corridors into a deserted one where it was unlikely that Gyles would immediately find them.

"On campus! With people around! In daylight!" Lisa panted.

"Yeah... He sure doesn't like me," Martin said, leaning back against a wall.

"It's like he's determined to get me, but I don't know why," Lisa said.

"You? What would he want with you?"

"Right back at you!"

"He's my rival, of sorts. It sounds so silly when you say it. But I'm pretty sure he's been angry with me for a while. For... Just for being me. And playing soccer against him," Martin explained, avoiding mentioning the color again.

But it hadn't escaped Lisa.

"You said you could see the color too."

"I guess." Martin shrugged.

"Do you have it too?"

"A color?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you?"

Lisa looked at him hesitantly for a few seconds.

"No," she finally murmured.

"Me neither," Martin quickly said. "So why is he after you?"

"Maybe because I can see it? Maybe he can feel that I see him."

"That's a bit of supernatural thinking."

"The color isn't exactly natural, is it? Never seen anyone else with it."

Martin looked down at her now. She had sat herself down in the corridor with her back against the wall. Her words sounded genuine. Maybe she didn't have a color. While Martin lied. He never lied. Why would he lie to her now? What good would it do him?

He slid down onto the floor as well.

"Sorry," he said. "I lied. I do have the red color too."

Lisa looked at him with round eyes. "Why?"

"I don't know. I really don't know. I've lost my memory of one day last week, and after that day I have this color."

He raised his hand in front of them and let it flare up calmly. Red smoke danced across his palm. Lisa leaned in, curiously.

"I didn't lie," she said, eyes still on his hand. "I don't have a color. I can just see it. But nobody else seems to be able to."

"I know," Martin heard himself say. "I know you didn't lie."

"His eyes met mine a few days ago, and I just knew that he realized it. He realized that I could see his color. Since then, I feel like he's been hostile every time I've seen him. He never runs after me though. He just... He just intimidates me."

Martin nodded slowly. Poor girl. She was innocent. Never mind himself, why would Gyles terrorize her so?

"Where do you live?" he asked.

"Just on the other side of the forest, you know."

"Yeah. Do you want to go home?"

"Soon."

They sat in silence for several minutes, only a few other Sunday-studying students passing them by. Martin's hand had faded to its regular color again. Eventually, they deemed it time to try to leave. Outside, the sun had gone down, and painted the sky a faint purple.

"I have a bike. I'll be alright," Lisa said when Martin glanced up and down the street suspiciously.

"Okay. But..."

Their blue eyes met.

"If he comes after you, find me," Martin said. "I can help."

Seems he could always help these days. Help Richard, help Gustaf. Help Lisa.

"Okay," Lisa said. "I'll find you."

He didn't even give her his number or anything, he realized later. But they had found each other randomly two times already. Who's to say she wouldn't be able to find him again when she actually needed him?

So the diary was Lisa's then, you might think now. Mystery solved. You could have returned it when you had read this far. No, slow down a bit. The owner of the diary didn't write "I" when she introduced Lisa. She wrote "Lisa". Just because she was the first girl to turn up in the plot, it didn't mean that she was the author. That idea didn't even strike me as I read her name for the first time, actually.

But of course, just as some things are more complicated than they seem, some things are also just as simple as they seem to be.

So, of course the diary did belong to Lisa.
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Old March 16th, 2014 (05:07 AM). Edited March 16th, 2014 by Doctor.
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7. The Stalkers

After Martin and Lisa had gotten to know each other, things changed. But the tale kept revolving around Martin and his friends, not on Lisa. It was as if the owner of the diary thought that his point of view was more important than that of the girl. Still in some state of disbelief, but nevertheless hooked on the story, I kept reading on.

The following week, Gyles kept staring a them with flaming hands whenever either of them encountered him. Richard and Gustaf also experienced this. However, Gyles didn't try to come after them anymore. Not even after soccer practices in the evenings. Martin was relieved, but also had a growing sense of uneasiness. Would they just go on like this? Feeling threatened by Gyles and his red hands, but never confront him?

Richard, of course, wanted a confrontation. He tried to make Gustaf and Martin come with him to where Gyles lived, some night, and march straight in to tell him that they objected to his behavior.

"But he hasn't done anything in a whole week," Martin said when they sat in the cafeteria in the middle of campus on Friday afternoon. Five days after he and Lisa had last run away from Gyles.

"But he harmed both me and Gustaf before that!" Richard argued. "And I swear I saw him kick a soccer ball with a red foot the other day. He's just biding his time now, building up power."

"Richard's right," Gustaf suddenly said, leaning back on his bench and surprising the other two.

"What?" Martin said with a questioning look. Gustaf was always the reliable, wise one. If he thought they should confront Gyles...

"He's definitely up to something. The way he looks at us, I think he's measuring us up somehow. Watching and trying to figure us out. I have no idea what this would all lead up to though. What does he want with us and our powers?"

"Maybe the colors were his to begin with, and he thinks we've stolen them from him?" Martin suggested with a shrug.

"Don't be silly, how could he have had colors to begin with? Is he an alien or something?" Richard spat.

"After these past days, I'm not going to dismiss any weird ideas, okay."

"Still, I don't think we should confront him. The last times, he's had the upper hand," Gustaf said, leaning in towards the others over the table again.

"But the last times we haven't had Martin fighting," Richard said, voicing what the others had been thinking. Both him and Gustaf turned to look intensively at their friend. Somehow, it was assumed that Martin had the most powerful color, and the best control of it. It had seemed that way when they had practiced using it in the forest and on the soccer field late at nights.

"I don't want to fight!" Martin exclaimed, then quickly looking around and lowering his voice, somewhat flustered. "I don't want to hurt anyone, like Gyles does."

Gustaf nodded slowly and put a reassuring arm across his friend's shoulders. "That's the Martin I know."

Richard rolled his eyes.

As they got up to leave and moved towards the exit, Martin spotted someone standing outside, on the other side of the glass wall. A girl, looking at him with a worried face.

"Lisa?"

"What now?" Gustaf asked, walking past him through the entrance door.

"Nothing, I just... I gotta talk to a friend for a bit, catch you guys later," Martin said and waved goodbye to the others when they exited the building. Gustaf and Richard both looked curiously back at him as Martin walked up to the short girl in the canvas coat.

"What's the matter?" Martin immediately asked when he reached her.

"I think I've realized something strange," Lisa responded, sounding urgent.

"You have a color too?"

"What? No, not that."

"He's come after you again?"

"He's just been staring at me and showing his color now and then, but he hasn't come after me again, no."

"Then why do you seem like something's wrong?" Martin asked, his face full of concern.

"If you let me speak, I'll let you know!" Lisa said, somewhat amused by his concern but also annoyed at the blabbering questions it made him produce. "Gyles has got an ally."

"Ally? You mean like his soccer team?"

"No, it's a girl. I've seen her come up to him and talk, and he seems... Not scared of her, but like she's superior to him. I can see it in the way he moves around her. And I don't think she can see his color, but the way they talk and then look at me, it's like she knows about it anyways."

Lisa pierced Martin's bright eyes with her own. "She knows about the color and she's planning things with Gyles."

Martin looked at her for a moment in silence. "How do you know all this?"

"I've, um, sort of... seen them around. Maybe followed them a bit. Okay, I've been stalking Gyles. And then her."

Martin was impressed. For this girl, who had seen genuinely scared when they met a flaming Gyles in the street, to be stalking said man, she must either be braver than her body thought she was, or a bit crazy.

"That's strange alright," he agreed. "Maybe she's convinced him to not come after us then?"

"I'd rather say she seems to be urging him on. I've seen them look at Richard this one day, and she was really urgent about something until Gyles suddenly shook his head and walked away. And she looked angry after that."

"You suggesting she's making him attack us?"

"I don't know. I just know she's got something to do with all this. Hadn't you lost a day's worth of memories?"

Martin froze. "What about that?"

"I don't know," Lisa repeated. "But if there are more people involved, perhaps they know more? Your friends don't seem to know about that day..."

Her eyes narrowed as she saw the change in Martin's stance.

"Have you even told them about your memory loss?"

"Yes, I have."

"More than once, briefly? And that it's not just a moment, but a full day?"

"Maybe not. What does it matter? They'd just worry. They worry enough already."

"But you could find out from them!"

"Find out what really? Do I even want to know?"

They looked, bewildered at each other for a moment, before both sighed and turned away.

"Sorry," Lisa said. "Your life, your problem. I just... I just want to ask you to talk to Kima."

"Who's that?"

"Kima is the girl who's hanging around with Gyles. Kind of short like me, black hair, dark skin."

"Don't recall her."

"You will when you see her. She's always nearby."

"Why don't you talk to her yourself?"

Worry suddenly came over Lisa's face, and Martin regretted even saying that. She was just a girl, probably several years younger than these college people was. Of course he couldn't let her go and confront someone who possibly had an agenda against her.

"I mean, yes, I can do that. Of course. I'll let you know what she says, okay?"

"Okay," Lisa said, and her relief was evident. She smiled weakly at him.

"You just go home now and avoid Gyles, okay?"

"Okay," Lisa said again.


Martin didn't catch up with Richard and Gustaf after that. Instead, he asked around until he found Kima, not even an hour later. People who knew people weren't hard to find on a busy day at the Rivenhold University. And apparently, Kima was relatively well known.

He found her sitting outside house Two in the afternoon sunlight, enjoying an ice cream together with a friend. When she saw that Martin was approaching with a solemn face, she didn't try to run. Instead, her grin only widened.

"Rachel, would you excuse me for a moment?" she asked her ginger friend when Martin came to a stop in front of their bench.

Rachel eyed Martin questioningly but obliged and left them to talk in private.

"So," Kima said, leaning back and taking a careful lick at her ice cream cone. "Martin, is it?"

"As if you don't know that," Martin said darkly.

"The star of the Red Rivers," Kima giggled. "Making the Beasts angry since 2016."

"I'm red and I seem to be making one Beast angry, that's correct," Martin said, putting his hands in his pockets and not budging.

Kima took a bite from her ice cream and focused her deep brown gaze on his face. "What do you want, Mr. Red?"

"What are you and Gyles doing?"

"What I'm doing with any guy is my own business, isn't it?"

"Not when it involves me and my friends."

"What makes you say that?"

"We've seen you. You've been making him try to attack us. With his color."

Kima now ditched her ice cream onto the ground and sat up straight. Her smile hadn't faded. If anything, it grew even wider still. She pronounced the next words very carefully.

"And what are you going to do about that?"

Martin felt a surge of anger come over him. His hands flared up, and he let them. He knew that most people around them couldn't see it. Kima didn't even twitch. The red smoke was invisible to her as well. Lisa sure had been a good observer.

"Why?" he asked in a low tone.

Kima now stood up on the bench, and became only just taller than Martin in doing so. She suddenly had a wild air about her.

"Because Gyles can take those colors from you. And he can wield them so much better than you can. I can't see them. Maybe you figured that out already. But I can feel them. I can feel that curly-head and bulky-boy are reckless with theirs, and I can feel that Mr. Red and Miss Nosy have no clue as to how they should even use theirs. You are blind bunnies, little bunnies running around with extra arms you've got no use for. While Gyles could be a god."

Martin took a few steps back during her speech. Was she for real?

"You are crazy," he said.

"Am I? I'm not the one seeing strange colors everywhere I go, am I? Not like your little friend, stalking every move of yours and ours instead of doing something useful with her power."

"Hang on... What do you mean by that?"

"Don't you think I've seen her following me around. And you as well. Maybe you didn't realize, you blind bunny. She shouldn't be at campus, but she's here so often, just to follow you around and see you and your buddies use your colors. As if she is afraid of her own."

"Lisa hasn't got a color," Martin stated bluntly.

"That's what she told you?" Kima laughed and paced back and forth on the bench. "How could you trust her so easily, but judge me before you've even spoken to me?"

Martin swallowed hard. He hated that what Kima implied made sense. Lisa could easily have lied. And sent the good-hearted Martin right into a trap now. But why would she do that? He felt confused.

Looking up again, he saw that Kima had sat down on the bench and was typing something on her cellphone.

"There," she said when putting it away.

"There what?"

"The girl is the weakest of our annoyances, and you guys are apparently getting restless. So it's time to get a move on." The huge smile came on again. "I've just sent Gyles to confront the girl. Properly, this time."

Why would she tell him that? Martin's mouth opened and closed, but he didn't know what to say. Eventually, he just dashed away without saying another word to Kima, who laughed again and leaned back on the bench to soak in the very last sunrays of the day.
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Old March 16th, 2014 (07:51 PM). Edited March 16th, 2014 by Silhouette.
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This is a very intriguing story. I'd like to give some criticism, but it's late at the moment for me and honestly saying, any criticism I could give would likely be nitpicks.

Good job at keeping me drawn in, I'm so curious about Kima's goal with Gyles. I'll be sure to keep up to date with this :)
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Old March 16th, 2014 (10:12 PM).
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Quote originally posted by Silhouette:
This is a very intriguing story. I'd like to give some criticism, but it's late at the moment for me and honestly saying, any criticism I could give would likely be nitpicks.

Good job at keeping me drawn in, I'm so curious about Kima's goal with Gyles. I'll be sure to keep up to date with this :)
Thank you so much! And nitpicks are welcome, that's how I learn how to write better, story aside :3
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Old March 17th, 2014 (04:43 AM). Edited March 17th, 2014 by Doctor.
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8. The End

Martin didn't have a bike. Living right next to the university meant that you usually didn't need one unless you were going downtown. But running all the way through the forest on the small cycling road to reach the neighborhood where Lisa lived wasn't such a good idea in retrospect. By the time Martin reached the first garden, he stopped and leaned on a fence for a full minute, just catching his breath. Then he realized the next apparent problem about his approach.

He didn't know which house was Lisa's. He didn't even know her last name and he still hadn't gotten her phone number. How had he believed that he could rush home and warn her about Gyles, when he didn't even know where to go?

Looking around, he saw an elderly woman working in the garden to whose fence Martin had been leaning on. She gave him looks now and then, but not suspicious ones, rather they were worried. Worth a shot, Martin thought.

"Excuse me," he said, trying to sound polite and not breathe too hard. "You wouldn't happen to know where my friend Lisa lives, do you?"

"Lisa?" the old lady said, straightening up a bit and thinking hard.

"Short girl, pretty short hair, kind of cute. Usually wears a dark blue coat of sorts."

"Oh, but of course I know Lisa. Lived here all her life," the lady chuckled and turned to point a crooked finger down the street. "It's that white villa over there. Say hi from me!"

"Thanks, will do!" Martin said and started moving, even though he had no idea who he should say hi from, really.

He didn't hesitate when he stormed up the stone stairs to the door and rang the bell hard. It wasn't Lisa who opened the door, instead it was a middle aged man with a lot of blonde hair and thick beard.

"Um, hi!" Martin said with a smile.

The man just stared at him for a moment, as if he had seen a ghost. Then he blinked and cleared his throat. "Hello?"

"Is Lisa in? I need to see her."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Martin, a friend of hers. It's rather urgent."

The man nodded slowly, as if he was judging the boy in front of him.

"I'm her father," he said. "She's not at home now."

Martin looked crestfallen. "Where is she, then?"

"At her friend's, Tova. She lives just north of the university. Can I ask what is so urgent?"

"Ah, nothing special, it can probably wait. Thanks, Mr... Um..." Again, rather embarrassing that Martin didn't even know Lisa's last name.

"Lelund," the bearded man said through curious eyes.

"Lelund. Lisa Lelund. Of course. Thanks and bye, sir!"

Panic. If Gyles really was on her way to Lisa, but wasn't here, maybe that meant that Kima had known where Lisa would be. He could already have reached her by now. Half-running, Martin pulled up his phone.

"Gustaf!" he exclaimed when his friend picked up. "Where are you?"

"At home, why?"

"Can you get on a bike and go to the Dorsten district?"

"Now?"

"Now! Gyles is coming for Lisa!"

"Gyles... Who's Lisa?"

"A girl with a color! She's in Dorsten now and I can't reach her, you've got to hurry! Call out to her, look for a short girl, look for Gyles... Just do it!"

"On it," Gustaf said in the phone and Martin let out a breath of relief before hanging up and picking up the pace.


Dorsten was a pretty rough area. Not the most elegant place to live. On the outskirts of Rivenhold, the only great thing about it really, was that it sat close to the university. Many students who either couldn't afford or didn't want to live in the dormitories on campus instead got apartments here, either for themselves or with flatmates.

Tova wasn't a university student, but her family lived here nonetheless. This particular day, Lisa had been going to bring her friend some homework, since Tova had caught the flu and stayed home from school. Not wanting to stay too long and catch some bug herself, Lisa was already on her way back in the early evening, when a young man found her in the street.

With his back against the closest streetlamp, Lisa didn't immediately see his face. Only when she was a few meters away, she realized how strangely still the man stood on the pavement, and looked up to see a pair of glimmering, green eyes stare into hers.

She jumped, startled by the realization.

"Gyles!" she breathed.

"Lisa," his hazy voice came.

"What do you want? I'm not afraid!"

He raised both eyebrows. "Yes, you are."

"Okay... Maybe I am. But you can't do me any harm. Or at least, you won't."

"No?"

Lisa's breath became quicker and she felt like her hands were prickling.

"I mean, why would you? What do you really want?"

"Isolate all this," Gyles said, emotionlessly.

"Isolate? What do you mean?"

"Give me your power, Lisa," Gyles said, reaching out a hand towards her. His palm was open, inviting.

The girl was breathless for a moment.

"What power?"

"I can feel it."

"You're wrong."

She suddenly noticed that Gyles had begun to walk towards her, one slow step at a time. She staggered backwards.

"You have more power than any of the others," he continued darkly.

"I don't have anything! I swear!" Lisa panicked.

"Suit yourself," Gyles said, and Lisa watched in horror as his body flamed up in red haze in under a second.

"Lisa!"

Other voices were suddenly calling out, men's voices. Over Gyles' red shoulder, she saw two figures speed towards them on bikes. Gyles didn't turn to look, but he closed his eyes at the sound of two bikes being tossed aside on the ground.

"Leave her alone!" Gustaf shouted, stopping a few meters behind Gyles and firing up his body in an intensive orange color. His clothes didn't take any damage, his body didn't hurt from the color. He had practiced.

A moment later, Richard ran past the red man and reached the stunned Lisa, grabbing her arm carefully. "You okay?" he said. You are Lisa, right?"

"Yes, yes," Lisa replied.

Richard smiled warmly at her. "Great. Now back away, but don't leave."

With that, he gave her a gentle push away from the scene and lit his own body up in a bright pink color that almost stung your eyes. He sure had done his practice as well.

Gyles was still standing in between them, unmoving. But now he sighed.

"Things don't usually go well when you go up against me," he said.

"We're usually not two," Richard grinned, and was actually met with a smile from Gustaf.

They both began firing off their color at Gyles. Richard focused his color into rays and tried to pierce through Gyles' red armor, like he had managed that day outside the Gamma complex. Gustaf had adopted a more blunt style, shoving his fists in front of him to send off what looked much like balls of color to slam into Gyles' red inferno.

The Beast did budge, and it was apparent that he had to make an effort to remain standing when two enemies were firing at him from opposite sides. But he slowly shifted...

"He's moving!" Lisa called out, observing the battle with what could only be described as fascination. Gone was her earlier fear. "He's luring you closer!"

Gustaf and Richard didn't hear her, and didn't notice when Gyles slowly walked out into the street, all while keeping his hands in front of him to conjure and keep up a red shield. The opponents didn't notice that they were moving too, coming closer together by the second. But eventually, Gustaf noticed that he and Richard were almost standing right next to each other on the pavement, while Gyles were out on the road.

"Is he stupid or what?" Richard said, letting up the attacks for a moment. "He could still get run over at this time of day!"

"Not many cars in this street," Gustaf commented. "Richard. We can't beat him."

"What are you talking about, of course we can. Keep going!"

"No, he's doing something. He hasn't attacked us back yet. He's thinking of something."

Lisa believed Gustaf's suspicions. She stood a little ways away from Richard, biting her nails in suspense.

Then, the red wave came. Like it always did when they fought Gyles with color. It washed over Richard and Gustaf and their orange and pink colors dissipated as if they had never been there. Both guys were knocked backwards and Lisa screamed and backed off, luckily not getting into the line of fire.

"Three at the price of one," they heard Gyles' hazy voice say as the guys lay moaning on the ground. That wave had hurt. Somehow. They didn't have actual bruises, but in some inexplicable way the red color had hurt their bodies. Or their minds?

"You are so impressive," Kima's voice suddenly came, making the guys look up quickly and Lisa gasp.

The dark woman was strolling towards them on the street with carefree steps.

"Not you, of course," she added with a glare at Richard and Gustaf, who leaned on each other to get up from the ground.

"Where did you come from?" Lisa asked sheepishly.

"School. I live here, you know? Timed it pretty well, too. Sent your Mr. Red off in the wrong direction which gave Gyles plenty of time to find you before your dear friend could come back here. Or send reinforcements, I guess." She turned to her ally. "You could have picked another street than the main one, though."

Gyles merely gave her a nod.

"Pick them off now," Kima said and just kept walking past the guys, coming to stand a little bit from Lisa, pointing at her. "This one first."

"What?" Lisa said, but she knew very well what would come next. Gyles raised his hand to form another wave of red color. Richard and Gustaf called forth what little color they had in the background, but their weak attacks merely bounced against the red that surrounded Gyles by now. Lisa stopped breathing and closed her eyes.


Martin couldn't remember when he had run this long, this fast and this desperately last. Especially not in jeans and unfit shoes. He really needed to get himself a bike.

Turning around the corner onto the main street of the Dorsten district, he saw lights up ahead. Not streetlights. Brighter lights. Colors. Oh, no.

Despite hardly being able to breathe anymore, he pulled himself together and remembered all the tough soccer games he had been in. All those times he had kept running, just to make another goal.

This could be the most important goal yet.

Suddenly, only one of the colors ahead was showing still. Red. That couldn't be good. Martin threw caution out the wind and fired himself up. His body became covered in smoky, fiery, red power, clouding his vision and giving him the strange sensation of strength at the same time as it was draining him.

He saw their faces now. He had no idea how many meters there were still left between them, but he clearly saw Kima's smile as she pointed at Lisa, Gyles' pale face as he fired his color and Lisa's closed eyes as she was struck.

She was thrown backwards and came to lie still in the grass by the pavement.

No.

Martin felt like all breath was sucked out of him. He stopped. Somewhere, he heard Richard call his name and Kima say something else as she took a step towards Lisa's silent body. Gyles only met Martin's gaze with those cold, green eyes. He didn't look angry, nor scared, nor sad. He was as cold as ever. Yet red.

Red. Martin was red as well. He raised a hand and saw Gyles get ready to withstand the attack. But at the last moment, Martin turned away. Away from Gyles, and pointed instead at Kima. The dark girl's eyes only had time to widen before she was struck with a ray of intense, red color. She was thrown back as well, and landed right next to the other girl in the grass.

"Martin!" Richard's voice finally reached him.

The red disappeared and an overwhelming sense of exhaustion came over Martin. He looked up, tried to get a grasp of the situation he now found himself in.

Gustaf had run up to Lisa and Gyles had sat down next to Kima. One girl suddenly coughed and sat up.

"What happened? Ouch..." Lisa groaned and rubbed her head, Gustaf's arm supporting her back.

Martin let out a noise of relief that might have been a kind of laughter. But then he saw Gyles. His face was no longer emotionless and cold, instead it looked terrified. He was holding Kima in his arms, a silent and unusually pale Kima. Oh, no. No, no. Martin had hurt her. He had actually hurt someone with his power. He had sunken to Gyles' level. This was wrong, so wrong.

"Hey," Richard said, moving to stand beside Gyles. "It's okay, you know? We can save her."

"Really?" Gustaf couldn't stop himself from saying. Mostly, he was surprised that Richard was the one to come forth with the idea.

"We just have to sort of imbue her with your power, you can-"

Gyles got up and cut him off by shoving his elbow into Richard's stomach. He was carrying Kima in his arms. She was a small and frail woman, when it all came down to it. Then, he walked off without another word, taking his ally with him. Nobody tried to stop him.

"You alright then?" Richard said to Lisa after having rubbed his belly for a moment. He reached out a hand and a smile for her. Lisa nodded and accepted his help to get up.

"I was just a bit... frightened. But I'm alright. Oh, Martin..." She had just realized that Martin was still standing in the middle of the road, looking like he didn't know what to do with himself.

Lisa walked up to him and put a hand to his cheek to make him look at her. "It's not your fault."

"What is?" Richard asked, completely ruining the fine moment. "That other girl? She had it coming!"

Now it was Gustaf's turn to elbow him to shut him up.

Martin shook his head, by now almost in tears, and backed away from Lisa.

"No, I did wrong. That shouldn't have happened. I just got so angry when he... I just wanted to hurt him, and-"

"And you knew the best way to hurt him was to hurt his friend," Lisa finished.

"That's really bad," Martin said.

"She was hurting us," Gustaf said, grabbing Martin's arm and finally pulling him off the street. "Let's see how well Gyles will fare without someone whispering in his ear all the time."

Martin pulled his arm out of Gustaf's grasp and looked at him as if he had said something really disgusting.

"You don't understand, do you? This power, this thing we have, it's dangerous. We are sick!"

"You are really overreacting now," Richard said.

"No. I'm not going to use this color again. And neither should you. Just stop it. Stop it all."

He walked away after that, not looking back. He didn't see Gustaf's disappointed look or hear Richard's slur at the whole situation. He didn't want Lisa to come near him anymore. He was dangerous.

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  #18    
Old March 17th, 2014 (05:21 AM).
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Quote originally posted by Red's Hawt Chibi Pelippers:
Gatsu had adopted a more blunt style, shoving his fists in front of him to send off what looked much like balls of color to slam into Gyles' red inferno.

Hm.. typo on Gustaf?

Another good chapter, I like the way you narrate the little battles.

I've gotten to thinking of a theory here (though it's probably wrong): If Kima can 'sense' colors, and she's allied with someone who can take colors (Gyles), maybe she gave Gyles her color. Err, maybe not XD
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Old March 17th, 2014 (06:02 AM).
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Quote originally posted by Silhouette:
[/INDENT][/INDENT]
Quote originally posted by Silhouette:
[/FONT] Hm.. typo on Gustaf?

Another good chapter, I like the way you narrate the little battles.

I've gotten to thinking of a theory here (though it's probably wrong): If Kima can 'sense' colors, and she's allied with someone who can take colors (Gyles), maybe she gave Gyles her color. Err, maybe not XD
Thanks for catching that!

And thanks, the first battle thingy I did (in chapter 3) was apparently a bit confusing, so I struggle to not make things too complicated now. But at the same time I sort of want to convey what they are thinking and feeling. Or something like that 8)

Hehehe, maybe ;) I completely love that you are making theories! Just hope I won't disappoint you eventually, haha.[/FONT]
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