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  #1    
Old January 27th, 2014 (02:31 PM).
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OK guys Im sorry that my last story was bad. Im using spell checker now so hopefully you can understands me. So here is my fan fik:

One day caillou was at the table eating Pokemon brand cereal with his pikaspoon. Mommy walked in the room and said "Caillou! It's past your bed time! Go to bed or else!" So he ran away and to his bed. That night caillou snuck back to the cereal place and eat more cereal. When he was eating the meowth marshmallow he got sucked! All of a sudden he was inside the pokemon world! "Wow!" screamed caillou!

After walking for like 5 hours Caillou saw Ash! Ash was practicing his muscles. "Can you train me" asked caillou? No said Ash, "you are too weak. Maybe when your beat the elite four I will, but not today." Caillou said that he had no pokemon. So Ash gave him his extra ledyba. "OMG COOL" said Caillou then he saw Brock. Brock was now a sword master and was really good with swords. He and ash hugged. Caillou wished he could hug too.

Later that day Caillou and his ledyba were training in the fields when he heard a loud explosion! cAILLou said "no". He ran to the poke center to check on the injuries. That's when he saw Ash in the bed with a big boo boo. "Ash, are you good? asked caillou. "No, probably not" said Ash. Then Ash said "Caillou, you are the chosen won, please dont let me down!" Then he died. That's when Caillou knew he had to make the best team ever to fight evil from the land. So he started walking towards brocks mansion...

To be continued
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Old January 27th, 2014 (05:26 PM).
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Hi there.

This is an improvement over your previous story thread, certainly. I'd suggest a few other ways to further improve your fic though, as it does seem a touch rushed.

- You'll want to use more spacing. Each time someone different speaks, you should make a new paragraph. For example:

Quote:
"I am talking," said the man. "I am still talking, so this goes on the same line."

"Hi, I'm someone else!" said the woman. "I'm a different speaker to the last piece of dialogue, so I get a new paragraph."

"Hi, Someone Else," said the man.

"Not funny," she replied.
A silly example, but hopefully that makes it clear.
So for example in your fic, this section should be like so:
Quote:
After walking for like 5 hours Caillou saw Ash! Ash was practicing his muscles. "Can you train me" asked Caillou?

"No," said Ash, "you are too weak. Maybe when your beat the elite four I will, but not today." Caillou said that he had no pokemon. So Ash gave him his extra ledyba.

"Oh my god, cool!" said Caillou. Then he saw Brock.
- You'll notice I made a few other changes too. Some of them are simple errors, like the name Caillou not being capitalised - names of characters should always start with a capital letter. Try to avoid acronyms too - you won't see people saying 'OMG' in books for example, they will say 'Oh my god' instead. Be sure to use a spell and grammar checker (if you don't have a program like Word, you can use ones found via google), and to also read your own writing before posting (i.e. proofreading). Otherwise the mistakes will distract from the story.

'Big boo boo' is another example of a term which really sounds odd in writing - just stick to something like 'with a bad injury' - it's still simplistic, but sounds less... childish for something a character dies of. As for 'That night caillou snuck back to the cereal place and eat more cereal.', the correct word in place of 'eat' would be 'ate'. That's something a spell/grammar checker may not pick, but proofreading would (however, it certainly would pick that Caillou wasn't capitalised).

- Try some more description. At the moment, there's a lot of telling, but we cannot really visualise how the characters say or do things. We don't even know much about what the characters look like. Is Caillou short or tall? How old is he? What is his personality like? Without that, it's hard to know what he is like, and hence hard to really care about his character or what he does. Note you shouldn't describe everything about him, but give the reader something to go on.

- Consider the canon characters (that is, the ones from the show and not made up by yourself). Ash with muscles? Brock with swords? It sounds like you've tried to make the story seem cool by doing that, but it just seems very odd to myself that they're like that. Ash last I checked was a kid, and Brock had never touched swords much less be a master of them. It would be more interesting to either have Ash and Brock like he is portrayed in the anime, or to come up with your own original characters who work with swords. That would be more believable, and probably interesting too, for your readers. You can read more about that issue here in the 2nd post. http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=221878


Or the short version - make a new paragraph each time someone else talks, be sure to read your story before posting to catch little mistakes, try to describe more of the characters and what they do, and think about how you're writing about the canon characters like Ash and Brock - if you want Brock to be a swordmaster when he doesn't do that in the anime, why not have fun with your own original character?


That may be a fair bit even if I'm only touching on a few things in general terms, and it may take a bit of work to edit your fic, but it'll help in the end. Good luck with your story.
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Old January 27th, 2014 (06:13 PM).
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I would try to work on your grammar a little. Also, you should introduce your characters before putting them in the story like that.
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Old March 22nd, 2014 (11:54 AM).
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Sorry for long wait guys here is next part (p.s. am using spell check again )

Caillou walked to the big brock mansion. There was a lot of rocks and bigger rocks everywhere. When Caillou got to the door he said "I think i should knock". But then the door magically opened up!!! "Was this magic?" said asked caillou? "No, im brock!" said Brock. Brock ran out the door and hugged caillou. "Thanks for being hear Cailluo, i need help!" screamed brock. "What is wrong, did nurse joy die?" yelled caillou. "NO man, i cant find my CACTUS!" said brock. "OK COol, i can help," said caillou.

Caillou and brock looked for his cactus but it was probably nowhere. All of a sudden some green thing ran across the floor and caillou ran. "GOT YA" said caillou "look at me, i found this cactus!" Brock was happy but he said caillou could keep it. "Really, but its like your best poke on!?" yelled caillou. "Sure" screamed brock.

After that caillou had to leave because brock had to do more sword practice. But now caillou had two really good pokemons, ledyba and cactus. He was now one stepped closer to being the ultimate master of pokemon battling, even better than ash. But what calilou didnt know was that he was watched from behind this hole time and a new bad villain was about to appear!!!

2 b continued
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Old March 22nd, 2014 (12:02 PM). Edited March 22nd, 2014 by Nolafus.
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All story updates belong in the same thread. This way, the entire story is in one convenient place and earlier chapters won't get lost. If you haven't, I would look through the FF&W rules to avoid these kinds of things in the future.

I'm going to have to ask you to stop and work on this chapter a bit before I can let you continue. There are way too many mistakes, even with spell checker on. In fact, spell checker kind of ruined you in some instances. Remember that spell checker is a good tool, but you still have to be conscious about what you're fixing. Here's what I mean:

Quote:
"Thanks for being hear Cailluo, i need help!"
You used the wrong hear/here, in this sentence. "Hear" is when you pick up on sounds, like you hear a door slamming, or something. You want "here", as in to indicate a specific spot or direction. Like how Brock is glad that Cailluo is here. Also whenever an "i" is standing alone like that, it should be capitalized into "I".

Quote:
"Really, but its like your best poke on!?"
Right here, spell check will turn "pokemon" into "poke on", so just be careful in the future.

Quote:
he was watched from behind this hole time
You used the wrong form of hole/whole. You used "hole", which indicates an indent in the ground, like when you dig a hole. You want "whole", as in someone was watching you the whole time.

So, I want you to go through and fix this up a bit. I also think this is too short. I want this chapter to be a little longer. You can do that by either adding in more details and description, or just adding different events until the chapter is longer.
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