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  #51    
Old March 20th, 2014, 08:04 PM
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre's Avatar
Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 20
Gender: Male
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This is my Prologue to my fanfic Pokemon: Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
Prologue: Aw Crap…
1800hrs, Albany, OR


A young man named Alexandre was sitting at his computer when he felt like he was getting gamer's elbow, ignoring it for now he continued looking at the help wanted ads on the Albany Democrat Herald's website mentally crossing off jobs that he couldn't take for different reasons. A while later he couldn't feel his arm at all, like it wasn't even there, perplexed by this he looked down and saw pixels coming off his body and going into the laptop, he has tunnel vision causing him not to see the pixels going into the laptop, going into a state of panic, his mind shut down, leaving him unconscious


1930hrs, ???, ???


“Ughhhhhh, somebody get the license plate of the truck that hit me,” Alexandre said as he felt something cold and sharp pressed against his throat, like the tip of a knife, or some other sharp object, ready to kill him at the drop of a hat.


"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" a feminine voice shouted.


"Where am I and why am I being threatened?!" Alexandre shouted back, while being in the position he was in when he was unconscious, whatever position that was, he didn't know.


"Never mind who I am Cyber-Thief! Just answer the damn question!" The female, assuming that the voice belonged to a female at all, shouted, obviously scared.


"If you reach into the back left pocket of my jeans you will find my ID I'm sure that's what you want right? By the way, who's this Cyber-Thief you're talking about? Is it a Cyberman turned thief?" Alexandre asked, being a
Doctor Who
fan and not knowing in what dimension he was in.


"What the hell is a 'Cyberman'? The Cyber-Thief is a thief that robs people's homes through cyberspace using a Porygon!" The female shouted confused and thinking that this person on her floor is insane and probably not the Cyber-Thief, but she kept the knife pressed against the man's neck just in case, while she grabbed his wallet and looked at his ID and was confused by the place the ID came from. "Is Oregon an as of undiscovered region, or is this a fake ID?" the female asked.


"Neither, it's one of 50 states in the United States of America, which is a country on the western hemisphere, that aside, tell me where the ♥♥♥♥ I am and how the bloody hell I got here because I can get myself free and disarm you if I wanted to, but I need answers, and I don't harm women, and may I see your face this blindfold is really annoying, and is making me sweat like a ♥♥♥♥ing pig!" Alexandre shouted angrily.


"You're in Vaniville Town which is in the Kalos region, and you came out of my television during my favorite TV show: Jennys


"What...are you kidding me?" Alexandre asked.


"No, why?" the female asked.


"Because I'm from another dimension where all this is just a franchise that's popular, and is one of my hobbies! That means...Oh ♥♥♥♥, I've got no cash, no Pokemon, not even a single Pokeball to my name...Oh! I completely forgot to ask you your name, also could you please get the sharp object away from my jugular I would like to get up, my back's killing me," Alexandre said to the female holding the knife to his throat.


"You're really someone who traveled between dimensions, it's weird that Pokemon aren't real in your world, how do you live like that? My name is Grace Rider, sorry for the rough treatment but as you now know there's been a string of robberies in which the culprit uses the cyber network to get into the victim's home, rob them blind, then leave the same way, but there's always a note with the words, 'The Cyber-Thief was here!' left at the scene and yet the police can't catch him or her, so when you came out of my TV I thought that I was going to be robbed by him or her, again I'm sorry for treating you like some criminal," the woman now identified as Grace Rider said as she put the knife away and got out some Coca-Cola for Alexandre.


"Well to answer your question, we live with animals like you do with Pokemon, only that they can't help children with their homework, unless it's dissecting a frog or some other dead animal, in order to label each of its parts, but I digress. All I remember before coming to here is that I was on my laptop, looking for work, when I started to disappear into my laptop, sometimes I hate my tunnel vision when I'm focused on my financial situation and looking for work, any way may I have my wallet and my Driver's license back, because I'll need them to do anything in this world maybe who knows what'll happen from here, oh well I'll just do the best that I can!" Alexandre said with determination as he left Grace's house and went towards Aquacorde Town, with the few possessions that he had with him: his ID, Walther P38 9mm pistol with ammunition, a combat knife, and a bag to carry it all in.
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Last edited by Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre; March 21st, 2014 at 08:07 AM.
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  #52    
Old March 20th, 2014, 08:26 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
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Okay guys, please remember that this is a thread for fragments of works. Which means that this isn't the place to be posting entire prologues/chapters. Those belong in threads of their own.

@Fading Tree:

It's probably just personal preference, but I wouldn't use "him/her". It's just something I advise against as there are better ways of saying you can't identify the gender of a certain character.

I would also give that another read-through. There are a few mistakes and incomplete sentences that I think you would be able to catch. Remember to let it sit for at least a day before posting it. I struggle with that so much because I'm so excited that I just finished something, that I just have to post it, but it's worth it of you wait. I guarantee that you'll catch at least a couple mistakes each time.

Other than that, I feel like you're getting the hang of it. I would continue working on it and experimenting on which writing technique works for you. You're starting to grasp showing v telling, but keep what I said in mind. If you do that, then your biggest learning experience will be more writing and reading. Make sure to read both good and bad examples of writing, as they can both help you.
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  #53    
Old March 20th, 2014, 08:47 PM
PokemonTrainerRobert
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Gender: Male
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.
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  #54    
Old March 20th, 2014, 09:07 PM
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Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonTrainerRobert View Post
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.
Don't worry, I don't tolerate flames or put-downs of any sort. This is supposed to be a place where anyone can come and post their writing without fear of being laughed at. As long as I have anything to say about it, there will be no bullying here whatsoever.
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  #55    
Old March 20th, 2014, 09:20 PM
PokemonTrainerRobert
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
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And I am glad you having the mind set on that and everything. Well...I guess when I build up the courage, I will post Chapter one on here someday. I just hope journey type Pokemon fanfics aren't as hated than they are at this other Pokemon forums.

Lol though I will state this, whenever I start new stories with the first chapter being posted up. Despite me going through the chapter over the past three days or so. Might come out a little bad or feel slow lol. I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol. Although I have been in a big mood, of reading a good "Journey" fanfic XD
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  #56    
Old March 20th, 2014, 09:30 PM
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Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PokemonTrainerRobert
I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol.
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.
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  #57    
Old March 20th, 2014, 09:39 PM
PokemonTrainerRobert
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slayr231 View Post
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.
Hm that is a good point, so I guess I wouldn't say rare then lol. I just don't know exactly how to put that into better term. Cause there are times, where some chapters despite them being better than the last one. Some time the next chapter, may not be as great as the one before it....I don't know hard to really put it in better terms XD.

The only thing I don't want everyone claiming, is that I am copying from the anime or games : / Cause that saying gets really annoying after awhile, on the account trying to think of a great way for a beginner trainer. Getting their starter Pokemon, can be quite hard to type out. Without the plot having said trainer getting their starters from Oak. As well as every single town and cities are from the show and game. But with the author actually putting the time, making different scenarios.

But eh I'll post the first chapter tomorrow or probably really late tonight. Since it's 1am XD But thanks...I will make a quick note and say that, I ain't the best when making fast updates. Usually takes me awhile to get the next chapter done. Along with staying motivated lol.
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  #58    
Old April 4th, 2014, 03:00 AM
G.R. Snail
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Quote:
I've been walking, well, more like limping down this track for what seemed like days. When I'd set off from the cabin, the sun was very much up, but now as I looked around myself I saw that the night had truly crept in, and it was rather uninvited. There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it. Still, I had a job to do and I was damn sure going to do it better than she tried to do it anyway. I'm tearing up at the mere thought of her, of her failure, my vision blurring which didn't help with the darkness of the skies. Pushing all thought of her, of her failure, out of my mind I trudged onward, determined to find him and bring him home.

It's a funny thing, desperation. Much like the darkness, you don't really notice it until you've been forced to acknowledge it and by that point, there's nothing you can do to ignore it. It's in the very back of your head, clawing away at all the common sense there once was and replacing it with a blind, unquenchable desperation.

As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless. I was almost about to turn around half an hour ago, but I had to keep going. Or at least, I think it was half an hour ago. I've sort of lost track of the time, it seems like it's been an eternity. Small, sharp twigs are embedded in my bleeding, raw feet and I feel as though all liquid in my body has completely dried up, leaving me as barren as a desert landscape. Why, why did he have to come down here? Why couldn't she have just found him? If she did, they would've both come back home days ago and I wouldn't have to be walking down here.

Or, at least I think they would've been back days ago. I'm... I'm not quite sure anymore. I keep walking.
So I'm in the process of writing up the first part of my 'Snail Tale' collection, and while I didn't really want to post any of the unfinished work here I did want to post something. So I present to you, The Track. I'm suffering from some horrible writers block, which is actually why I've semi-halted the progression of 'Snail Tale', so this little story is probably going to be really bad, but hey, it's all I've got to offer right now! Hope you enjoy, feedback is appreciated.
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  #59    
Old April 4th, 2014, 08:29 AM
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Meksal
What do you mean this thing is priceless? *Nom nom nom*
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Somewhere between Hoenn and Kalos
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
Since GameFreak can't be bothered to clarify why there seems to be two gods, Arceus and Mew, i've started writing this book. See what you think!


Spoiler:
On the day of creation, two Pokemon came into existance; The Great One, and The Innocent one.
The Great One became extremely lonely, and shaped a masterpiece with his thousands of arms. He called this masterpiece an egg, and would therefore be the symbol of all birth.
The egg hatched, and the earth was born, a plain, empty sphere of clay. The Innocent one was put off by this, such excellence, such potential, but The Great One was satisfied, and rested, but while he slept, The Innocent One worked, he shaped mountains, trees, plants, rocks and caves, rivers, and everything that made our life what it is today, and thus was then on named The One Who Populates, Mew.

When The Great One awoke, he was furious with what Mew had done, and banished him to this hideous world that he had created.

The Great One, Arceus, created three Pokemon to assist him in wiping the world that Mew had created clean, along with Mew, so Arceus could start fresh, and create a world the way he wanted to.

Arceus created Dialga, the one of time, Palkia, the one of space, and Giratina, the one of energy.

Giratina refused to assist Arceus in destroying such a beautiful world, it held so much potential, he said, but Arceus simply cast him aside into limbo, a dimension of confusion and destruction, and thus Giratina became not the one of energy, but the renegade.
Giratina’s soul became as cruel and cold as ice.

Arceus replaced Giratina with another pokemon, he named it Desyinang.

Mew became aware of Arceus’s plan, and combatted it by creating three pokemon himself, he named these Pokemon;

Kyogre, the one of sea,

Groudon, the one of land,

And Rayquaza, the one of sky.

These three Pokemon represented the beauty of the earth that Mew had created, and thus the first war began.

The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding. Dialga and Palkia, knowing that Arceus would be furious, joined Mew’s side, but Desyinang stayed loyal to him, and because of that, faced the wrath of Arceus.

Arceus tore Desyinang apart into two bodies, Reshiram, and Zekrom. The empty shell of Desyinang limped off onto earth, and was then on called Kyurem, the empty one.
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  #60    
Old April 4th, 2014, 11:04 AM
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
Grand Duke
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Here's a preview of Chapter 2 of Pokemon Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
Chapter 2: The Bug Badge


Alex’s Log: Day 2
Yesterday I was looking for work on the Albany Democrat Herald’s website, when I was transported to the Pokémon Dimension, specifically Vaniville Town in the Kalos Region, where I was mistaken for a person known only as the Cyber-Thief, who apparently uses a Porygon to travel to the houses of his victims via cyberspace, takes all the jewels, leaves behind a note saying, ‘The Cyber-Thief was here’, and then leaves the same way, leaving nothing else behind, thus no one has been able to catch him or her, but if I catch that bastard, they’re gonna wish they hadn’t done what they did, because I almost died because of it
End Log


0600hrs, Aquacorde Town, Kalos


Ok, so I need some supplies for my journey, and it needs to be €300 or less, and I also need directions to the nearest military surplus store along with a map,” Alex thought as he came upon a local man who appeared to be in his 60s.


« Excusez-moi, monsieur, mais pouvez-vous me dire comment se rendre à la boutique la plus proche de surplus militaire? » ”Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me how to get to the nearest military surplus store?” Alex said to the elderly local man


« Oui, je peux répondre à votre question. Le magasin de surplus militaire est sur la rue Soleil, et pour y arriver il faut tourner à droite sur la 14ème rue, puis continuer jusqu'à ce que vous voyez le 7-11 à votre droite, vous tournez à droite là, c'est la rue Oak, à ce moment-aller à la première à droite comme si vous étiez au volant et le prendre, c'est quand vous êtes sur la rue Soleil, et le magasin est le premier bâtiment sur votre droite, »“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.


After following the old man’s directions, Alex went into the store looking for a World War II era Mauser Karbine 98, an ammunition reloading kit, and 100 cases of 7.92x57mm bullets, if that didn’t cost over €300 that is.


« Combien coûte? »“How much?” Alex asked the store clerk.


« Votre total est de €250, »[I]“Your total is €250,” the clerk flatly told Alex as he counted the €250 Alex paid.


Once Alex left the military surplus store, he made his way towards the Pokéball Boutique in order to buy a few Pokéballs so that he could add to his team.


« Bonjour, Combien coûte est un Pokéball? »“Hello, How much is one Pokéball?” Alex asked the store clerk.


« Coûte un Pokéball €2 »“One Pokéball costs two Euros” the store clerk said to Alex.


« Je voudrais 25 Pokéballs s'il vous plaît, »“I would like 25 Pokéballs please,” Alex requested as he paid €50 to the clerk


There will be real world elements in it, like Coca-cola, hunting, and romance among other things. Please tell me what you think about it, in my thread, thank you in advance.
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  #61    
Old April 4th, 2014, 01:29 PM
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Astinus
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There was something that I noticed about your chapter and I was going to point it out in your thread (like you asked) but you haven't posted the new chapter there yet, so...

Quote:
« Oui, je peux répondre à votre question. Le magasin de surplus militaire est sur la rue Soleil, et pour y arriver il faut tourner à droite sur la 14ème rue, puis continuer jusqu'à ce que vous voyez le 7-11 à votre droite, vous tournez à droite là, c'est la rue Oak, à ce moment-aller à la première à droite comme si vous étiez au volant et le prendre, c'est quand vous êtes sur la rue Soleil, et le magasin est le premier bâtiment sur votre droite, »“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.
All this French? It's not needed. Especially since you're translating it out to English right afterwards. I get it. Kalos is based on France, and you want the region to feel authentic to the real world equivalent. But having conversations take place in French that are translated out right afterwards isn't a good way to go about it. Readers, especially those not fluent in French (and I don't know how many members are fluent in French here), will just skip over the French part of the conversations to head directly to the English translations.

It would be better if the French conversations were about important subjects, or provided some development about the characters. But right now, typical conversations about unimportant subjects like buying Pokeballs really aren't that fascinating to read about in English, let alone a different language that's then translated to English.

Unless there's a story reason for it, skip out on the characters speaking in long paragraphs in a foreign language. Just say in the narration "Everyone on the streets spoke French, and Alex reminded himself to speak the language to avoid seeming different." Just something like that so the reader can understand that the characters are speaking in a different language, but you don't have to write out the French and the English when people are really only going to read the English.
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  #62    
Old April 4th, 2014, 03:20 PM
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
Grand Duke
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
There was something that I noticed about your chapter and I was going to point it out in your thread (like you asked) but you haven't posted the new chapter there yet, so...



All this French? It's not needed. Especially since you're translating it out to English right afterwards. I get it. Kalos is based on France, and you want the region to feel authentic to the real world equivalent. But having conversations take place in French that are translated out right afterwards isn't a good way to go about it. Readers, especially those not fluent in French (and I don't know how many members are fluent in French here), will just skip over the French part of the conversations to head directly to the English translations.

It would be better if the French conversations were about important subjects, or provided some development about the characters. But right now, typical conversations about unimportant subjects like buying Pokeballs really aren't that fascinating to read about in English, let alone a different language that's then translated to English.

Unless there's a story reason for it, skip out on the characters speaking in long paragraphs in a foreign language. Just say in the narration "Everyone on the streets spoke French, and Alex reminded himself to speak the language to avoid seeming different." Just something like that so the reader can understand that the characters are speaking in a different language, but you don't have to write out the French and the English when people are really only going to read the English.

Thank you for your review and here is that piece again without the French bits, but with an indicator.
Spoiler:
Chapter 2: The Bug Badge: Part One


Alex’s Log: Day 2
Yesterday I was looking for work on the Albany Democrat Herald’s website, when I was transported to the Pokémon Dimension, specifically Vaniville Town in the Kalos Region, where I was mistaken for a person known only as the Cyber-Thief, who apparently uses a Porygon to travel to the houses of his victims via cyberspace, takes all the jewels, leaves behind a note saying, ‘The Cyber-Thief was here’, and then leaves the same way, leaving nothing else behind, thus no one has been able to catch him or her, but if I catch that bastard, they’re gonna wish they hadn't done what they did, because I almost died because of it
End Log


0600hrs, Aquacorde Town, Kalos


Ok, so I need some supplies for my journey, and it needs to be €300 or less, and I also need directions to the nearest military surplus store along with a map,” Alex thought as he came upon a local man who appeared to be in his 60s.


The following conversations are in French


“Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me how to get to the nearest military surplus store?” Alex said to the elderly local man


“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.


After following the old man’s directions, Alex went into the store looking for a World War II era Mauser Karbine 98, an ammunition reloading kit, and 100 cases of 7.92x57mm bullets, if that didn’t cost over €300 that is.


“How much is all of this?” Alex asked the store clerk.


“Your total is €250,” the clerk flatly told Alex as he counted the €250 Alex paid.


Once Alex left the military surplus store, he made his way towards the Pokéball Boutique in order to buy a few Pokéballs so that he could add to his team.


“Hello, how much is one Pokéball?” Alex asked the store clerk.


“One Pokéball costs two Euros” the store clerk said to Alex.


“I would like 25 Pokéballs please,” Alex requested as he paid €50 to the clerk.


End of French conversations


Thank you for your review, and remember to review the previous chapters as well.
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"Regardless the circumstances, I intend to question the defendant with all I have. *takes off glasses* For that is a part of my creed. -Miles Edgeworth in episode 5 of Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Dual Destines Check out my story Pokemon Dual Dimensions
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  #63    
Old April 5th, 2014, 04:16 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
@ G. R. Snail
Quote:
There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it.
The comma should go before the "I", not after it.

Quote:
As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless.
This segment is... weird grammar wise. You end the first sentence in an awkward spot, and then don't give the second sentence a clear subject. I can infer that the second sentence is talking about the track, but then the sentence is all about the trees. I would consider revising this part. Oh, and the last sentence doesn't have a subject either.

Overall, a nice start. The voice is strong and consistent. I would comment on the story, but I don't know much about it. All I know is that there's this guy who's looking for his son in the woods. Oh, and he's angry at some girl.

The writing style fits, and I don't really have any complaints about it. Nice job.

@ BlueStone

Ah, a bit of pokemon lore. I'm not sure about the earlier pokemon, but there is a bit here that conflicts with the lore we know from the games. Reshiram and Zekrom split because of two heroes that wanted different things. So, that's already explained. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but just thought I would point it out.

Quote:
The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding.
This part seems so... short. I would love a bit more lore behind the war. Plus, this sentence might be bordering a run-on sentence, so I would rework this a bit.

Overall, a nice little tale. I like it at least. You really have the lore voice down well, and that's something some people struggle with a lot. So, good job!
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  #64    
Old April 5th, 2014, 07:36 PM
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Meksal
What do you mean this thing is priceless? *Nom nom nom*
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Somewhere between Hoenn and Kalos
Gender: Male
Nature: Adamant
@ BlueStone

Ah, a bit of pokemon lore. I'm not sure about the earlier pokemon, but there is a bit here that conflicts with the lore we know from the games. Reshiram and Zekrom split because of two heroes that wanted different things. So, that's already explained. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but just thought I would point it out.
Oh no, I didn't, lol. I guess I should look into that.

Quote:
The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding.
This part seems so... short. I would love a bit more lore behind the war. Plus, this sentence might be bordering a run-on sentence, so I would rework this a bit.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I left it so vague XD. What should I put there instead?

Overall, a nice little tale. I like it at least. You really have the lore voice down well, and that's something some people struggle with a lot. So, good job!
Thanks



EDIT: How's this?

Spoiler:
Arceus created Dialga, the one of time, Palkia, the one of space, and Giratina, the one of energy.

Giratina refused to assist Arceus in destroying such a beautiful world, it held so much potential, he said, but Arceus simply cast him aside into limbo, a dimension of confusion and destruction, and thus Giratina became not the one of energy, but the renegade.
Giratina’s soul became as cruel and cold as ice.

Arceus replaced Giratina with another pokemon, Reshikrom.

Mew became aware of Arceus’s plan, and combatted it by creating three pokemon himself, he named these Pokemon;

Kyogre, the one of sea,

Groudon, the one of land,

And Rayquaza, the one of sky.

These three Pokemon represented the beauty of the earth that Mew had created, and thus the first Pokemon battle began.

The Pokemon fought fiercely for many years, equally powerful, neither side could be defeated, until an act of truth from limbo tipped the scales: Giratina used all of his power to defeat Arceus, Dialga, Palkia, and Reshikrom, and he did, but doing so, destroyed the limbo he lived in, making it not only horrible, but unbearable.

The three Pokemon, Palkia, Dialga, and Reshikrom knew that Arceus would be furious, and fled. Dialga, and Palkia were welcomed by Mew, and we’re given power over time and space, respectively. Reshikrom fled into the barren wasteland that would soon be known as Unova.

Mew looked down on his wonderful earth from the sky, it was beautiful, but what fun is beauty if there are very few to share it with? So he mustered up all his power, and created the Pokemon race.

He created so many, and created regions to seperate them; Kanto, Johto, Hoenn,
Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos. He created many other regions, but he did not name them, there would come a time when he would name them, but that time was not now. Pokemon lived in these regions, many, many Pokemon, of all shapes and sizes. But oddly, no matter how many times he tried, Mew could not populate Unova, the barren wasteland. It was a hopeless case, so he moved on.

Mew realized that he had outdone himself, and the Pokemon could not tell themselves apart from other Pokemon, so he created types, 18 of them, and created three birds to govern these types:

Articuno, the governor of ice, water, flying, dragon, and fairy.
Zapdos, the governor of electric, normal, bug, ghost, and grass.
And Moltres, governor of fire, psychic, dark, ground, poison, fighting, rock, and steel.


Mew created a special Pokemon race, the most intelligent ones, he called them the humans.

Arceus continued to watch, and when he saw that humans were easily manipulated, he cursed them. There would always be an organization of humans that would be the downfall of all the lands, but Giratina suspected this, and with his last ounce of power, counter cursed; There would always be a hero to stop this organization, and it would never succeed.

And thus humans became distant from Pokemon, growing into they’re own species. With their intelligence, they created many things, and formed bonds with Pokemon, but they still had the touch of evil from Arceus, committing murders, hurting Pokemon, destroying forests, and many other things. It disgusted Mew, so he created Lugia and Ho-Oh, to watch over them, which they did for many years. Ho-Oh would also go on to create three Pokemon from the ruins of a destroyed building: Entei, Suicune, and Raikou.

The humans and Pokemon dreamed, and as they dreamed, they dreamed of nothingness, blackness. Mew was saddened by this, for dreams could be such wonderful things, so he created Cresselia, to add wonderful things to dreams, but all good things have their bad things, and Darkrai, the nightmare bringer, was born.
Mew decided two guardians for the humans were not enough, as they continued to destroy wildlife and forests, and thus he created Celebi, the bender of time, and the watcher of forests.

Mew also needed magic, a wish maker, perhaps, so he created Jirachi, bringer of wishes.

Finally, the humans became unbearable, and no matter what Mew did, they ignored him, so he created the three Pokemon of consciousness: Uxie of Knowledge, Mesprit of Emotion, and Azelf of Willpower, and together these Pokemon saved the humans from self downfall.

Reshikrom suddenly returned from hiding, and confronted Mew. He wanted to have a shot at making Unova a place where Pokemon could thrive, a task that even Mew had failed at. Mew allowed him, and created two gifted humans:

Brendan, and Dennys.

They helped Reshikrom restore Unova, and they succeeded, and as a gift Mew allowed them to rule Unova. The brothers could not split the wealth, and a war broke out between them. The result caused Reshikrom to split into two halves, hoping that each boy would be satisfied with a half, but he was wrong. Reshiram and Zekrom were equally as vengeful as the boys, and the shell of Reshikrom limped off hopelessly to a cave far off, forever known as Kyurem. Meanwhile, Reshiram, yang, sided with the older brother, Brendan. Zekrom, yin, sided with Dennys, the younger. Eventually the two brothers, and two pokemon, discovered that neither were better than each other, and ruled Unova together. When the two brothers died, their sons did not feel the same way, and resumed the fight. Reshiram and Zekrom, furious, destroyed the entire region with their powers, killing everything and everyone in it, including the sons. The two dragons vanished.

From the rubble rose the three Pokemon of weather: Landorus, Thundurus, and Tornadus. They governed the weather and strived to keep it balanced.

Unfortunately, the destruction caused by Reshiram and Zekrom caused the continents to begin to drift apart. Mew immediately took action by creating Regigigas to pull the continents back together with long, powerful ropes, which Regigigas succeeded at. Regigigas created Registeel, Regice, and Regirock to make sure such an accident never happened again.
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  #65    
Old April 6th, 2014, 05:05 PM
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Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre
Grand Duke
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Vaniville Town, Kalos
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
nice job on the lore man. I wish you luck on any future writings that you decide to do.
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  #66    
Old June 12th, 2014, 07:58 PM
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Deja Vu
Smug Lord
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Gender: Male
Nature: Modest
What follows is a nonfiction narrative of a real experience in which nothing interesting happens. I truly wish I had some more compelling writings to share, however my laptop was recently stolen in the Windy City. Feedback is welcome and appreciated. Try to enjoy.
Spoiler:
Monkey Jack Bridge
Andy Biller

The first time my friends and I went to Monkey Jack Bridge, it was the kind of impulsive decision characteristic of four teenagers. That night seemed like a stereotypical horror movie setting; clouds obscured most of the stars and the headlights of Amanda’s SUV sliced through a mild drizzle.
“Are you guys sure about this? Maybe we should just drive past again,” Amanda said.
“I’d be okay with that,” I replied fearfully.
“No, we’re doing it this time!” Patrick exclaimed, slightly irritated.
The legend of Monkey Jack Bridge was a staple of Henry County folklore, and we had all heard it hundreds of times. Sometime in the 50’s, a young couple was looking for some privacy and parked on a bridge over the local river and started – Well, you know what young couples do. The intensity of their actions caused them to ignore the static-laden warnings of the radio announcer: A convicted murderer had escaped from the local prison and was assumed to still be in the Henry County area. A few minutes later, something clattered against the car and the couple jolted upright in their seats, the moment ruined. The boy decided to play hero and go investigate; it was the last thing he would ever do. After not hearing anything for several minutes, the girl’s curiosity took hold and she went to investigate. Looking up, she saw the mutilated remains of her lover hanging from the tree. That’s how my friends and I remember the tale, anyway.
So, we pulled off the road into the gravel inlet that led the way to Monkey Jack. The road that the bridge was on was a gated farm road, so we would have to hop the gate and walk the rest of the way. A large house stood a silent vigil across the road from where we parked, but we were confident that the shroud of the summer evening would hide the vehicle from sight. Our only concern was being unluckily spotted by a passing patrol car.
“Damn, it’s cold,” John muttered as he cleared the gate with Amanda close behind.
“Quit your ♥♥♥♥♥ing,” Patrick retorted playfully, taking the lead as usual.
The gravel crunched underfoot as we made our way down the hilly road that was rumored to contain the bridge. Anyone who’s been through Indiana and August has seen the wide expanse of corn that often covers the landscape. That same corn was the enemy now, towering above us and walling us in from both sides. Slight rustles from the leaves contributed to the feeling that we may not be alone.
Suddenly, a bright light illuminated the pathway in front of us. Amanda’s cell phone cast a whitish contrast against the black of the country night.
“Hey, turn that out!” John said. “Do you want us to get caught?”
Amanda muttered an apology and the landscape was shrouded in darkness once again. The gravel road seemed to go on for miles, and about halfway down Amanda and I proposed the idea that we turn back.
“Hell no. It’s gotta be right up here,” Patrick replied. Much to the chagrin of Amanda and I, we continued on through the rain of the chilly, Midwest night.
Finally, the silhouette of the bridge came into sight. Even Patrick had been beginning to have his doubts, and we all let out a sigh of relief. For the first time in what seemed like forever, we stood still and stared at the bridge. The ancient metalwork creaked in the silence. We inched closer to the bridge over several minutes and began to make out more nuanced features of the old bridge. The wooden bottom of the bridge was completely rotten away and various forms of flora had begun to wind their way around the desiccated trusses. I noticed a “No Trespassing” sign riddled with bullet holes, which brought a sort-of cliché comic relief.
“What a joke,” I said out loud, mainly to hear a sound other than the ominous swaying of the bridge.
After John and Patrick had finished poking around the accessible parts of the bridge, we collectively decided we had our fill of the infamous landmark and began the long trek back to Amanda’s car. The walk seemed longer than it had on the way there and we all continuously glanced over our shoulders on the ridiculous superstition that something followed us back from the bridge. After what felt like a thousand swift, uneasy footsteps, the vehicle came into view over the crest of the final hill. Relief of a corporeal kind took hold when we realized that the SUV remained undiscovered. We quickly cleared the gate, opened the doors and piled in. Driving away from the dark trailhead, we felt warmth and triumph flood our bodies, knowing that we had conquered the most famous of the local, supernatural legends.
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  #67    
Old June 25th, 2014, 07:54 PM
3rddegreepwnedge
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Gender: Male
Hey guys I'm here with a semi first draft of a script I have for a possible manga I was thinking about trying to make. The story is going to follow the plot of Platinum with twists and a bigger emphasis on character development and Lucas, Dawn, and Barry working together as a team. Think of the script as the script to an anime episode and try not to mind the grammar and spelling errors too much I would love feedback on my portrayals of the characters so far and the story in general. Please constructive criticism no flame. Also towards the end I was listening to the Skyward Sword theme and it got me in a big adventure mood so Rowans ending speech might be a little cheesy and over blown I got kicked off the fan fiction page so just message me if you have feedback positive or negative

This is Lucas. He is hoping to one day become a Pokemon master just like his father. Nothing will stop him from defeating all 8 gyms and the Pokemon league. He as vowed to become the greatest trainer in Sinnoh and maybe even the world! But first he has to get out of his room and away from his TV

TV: Special news today coming from Sandgem town today as the famed Pokemon researcher known to many as Professor Rowan has returned from the Kanto region back to his home, the Sinnoh. He has been quoted saying he will set up the first world class research facility in the Sinnoh in Sandgem Town in order to help research the legendary Pokemon said to be living in Lake Verity

(commotion heard downstairs and crashing heard)

Barry: sorry sorry sorry

(running up stairs heard)

Barry: Lucas Lucas did you hear?

TV: In other news a streak of red was seen in the sky today in Hoenn

Barry: a streak of red huh, wonder what that could be, I mean did you hear?

Lucas: slow down barry hear what?

Barry: Oh my god this is so great some professor guy like Rowan or something is in Sandgem Town. I heard you can get Pokemon from him if you get there. We gotta go now Lucas! Before all the Pokemon are gone!

Lucas: Ok lets go race you there

Barry: Ha you’ll never beat me in a race and pretty soon you'll never beat me in a Pokemon battle either

(both run out the house)

Lucas’s Mom: Huh Lucas where are you going?

Lucas: gonna get some Pokemon mom I'll be back before dark!!

(Lucas pops his head back in the door)

Lucas: Love you!!

Barry: Your making this to easy, come on Lucas!!!!

(Barry’s mom open her door)

Barry’s mom: Where are you two going in such a hurry!!
(Barry and Lucas are running until Lucas trips over a branch and hits a small tree dropping a nest from it Starly then attack them both)

Dawn: Piplup bubble beam pronto!!

(Piplup scatters the Stary and saves barry and Lucas)

Dawn: Piplup return!

Dawn: You reckless fools you ruined my research I almost had that Starly egg

Barry: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket

Dawn: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket (in mocking voice) the nerve of you. Let me tell you something…

Barry: Barry

Dawn: Barry, didn't your mother ever teach you its not nice to talk over other, and it would be nie if you showed a little consideration for my loss instead of mooring over your ugly jacket

Barry: Hey calm down girl we were just trying to get some pokemon and I take pride in how I dress, something it appears like you don't

Dawn: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!

(Rowan walks up)

Rowan: Dawn what is the meaning of this is your yelling what scared off that flock of stary i just saw?

Dawn: Proffesor I’m sorry it just that umm

Barry: Wait your professor rowan?

Dawn: What did I say about interrupting me?!

Rowan: Yes I am child and whats your name

Dawn: This is Barry, he's the nimrod who scared off all the staly

Barry: Sorry Professor but me and my friend here were runnig to get Pokemon from you

Rowan: (laughing) Do you think I just give out pokemon?

Barry: Well I mean kind of like I heard you were from a guy who heard it from the news or something I dont remember it could have been lemme think umm

Rowan: My my, your brain runs at full speed doesn't it
Barry: (embarrassed) ya well

Rowan: Forgive me but im not sure I know your name

Lucas: Ohh sorry Professor I'm Lucas and im the one who hit the stary nest and made them go haywire, sorry

Barry: Ya, so maybe you should give the evil eye to him not me lady

Dawn: I'll give the evil eye to whoever I want, me and my ugly clothes are free to do as we please. And trust me it not like I want to stare at you, it hard to stare at such a disgusting face to be honest

Barry: Why you I’ll…

Lucas: (grabs barry) We should probably be going back to Twinleaf Town

Rowan: You're going to Twinleaf Town? Why dont you two escort me to Lake verity then, its not far off and considering the commotion you stirred up, its the least you can do

Lucas: We’d be happy to professor

Rowan: And if you two want pokemon then why dont you try out these two

Dawn: Professor your not really going to give them those are you

Rowan: We'll see Dawn

(Rowan reaches into his bag and pulls two poke balls)

Rowan: For you Barry, this Pokemon should be right up your alley

(Barry gets a turtwig)

Barry: Really Professor and slow Turtwig?

(Turtwig tackles Barry)

Rowan: He's almost as hot tempered as you'd say

Rowan: Here lucas this one is for you

(Lucas gets a chimchar)

Lucas: What is it Professor?

Rowan: Its a Chimchar, a fire type pokemon

Barry: Hey no fair, fire beats grass
Rowan: Ahh I see you know more about pokemon than would meet the eye, dawn you can head back to the lab I,m sure these two can escort me just fine

Dawn: ...but but

Barry: You heard the man leave us be, we got important stuff to do

dawn: Ohh would you shut up

barry: Bye bye love you!!

Dawn: Im going to kill you i swear!!

(At Lake Verity)

Barry: So gramps what are we doing here

Rowan: Its profesor for the 12th time

Barry: Ok gramps

Rowan: And were here so I can get some reading on that island

Lucas: What island I can’t see though all this fog

Rowan: Hmm yes, Dawn was supposed to use the stary to defog this place

Barry: I can barley see at all

Lucas: Hey looks like there other people here (pointing at three silhouetted figures)

Barry: I'll ask them if they can defog this place, HEY YOU GUYS!

(the three figures turn and one walks up)

Rowan: Cyrus!

Barry: Huh you know this guy?

Cyrus: Its good to see you old man

Lucas: Hey dont call him that only I can call him that

Cyrus: (snickers) I see you still have younger trainers do your work for you, never a man to get his hands dirty

Rowan: Hmm I'm inclined to call you a hypocrite, why don’t your goons come out of the fog and show their faces

Grunt 1: Gladly

Grunt 2: Well take it one step further and show you our pokemon too Zubat go!

Barry: If you want to fight I'm game I'm sure Turtwig would love to destroy you and your weird hair for his first battle

Lucas: Barry, don’t escalate things

Barry: I wont let these two pawns try to intimidate us with their Pokemon Lucas come on get your Chimchar out too

Cyrus: He's right Barry, lets not let things get out of hand

Barry: Then why dont you tell your thugs to back off

Cyrus: Hush now the important people have to talk

Barry: Why I ought to….

Rowan: Barry… So Cyrus why are you here

Cyrus: Same reason you are, I’m observing the legendary Pokemon

Rowan: And what would you want to learn about the legendary pokemon hmm?

Cyrus: Im afraid thats a conversation for another time you see I have to be somewhere (turns back to his grunts) I trust you two will handle this

Grunts: (nod)

Cyrus: leave the old man, the other two you can dispose of, (walking away) Its been fun Ill see you later

Grunt 1: Zubat lets go poison sting!

Grunt 2: You too!!

Lucas: Huh (fumbles with poke ball and get Chimchar out)

(Chimchar gets out right infront of the poison sting and doesn't have time to dodge, turtwig deflects it with his head)

Lucas: Chimchar! Uhhhh (Lucas glaces over to Barry's battle)

Barry: Turtwig tackle!!!

Grunt 1: Dodge it

(zubat dodges but turtwig catches him with his tail)

Barry: Nice job your faster than you look turtwig

Lucas: No kidding

Rowan: Pay attention to your battle

Grunt 2: Zubat Bite!

Lucas: Huh?....Chimchar dodge it

Rowan: And leer!

(Chimchar dodges then eyes the zubat straight on intimidating it)

Lucas: Great now scratch!

(chimchar runs up to the zubat paralyzed in fear and takes the scratch head on

Lucas: A critical hit yes!

(The zubat is down and chimchar scratches again fainting it)

Lucas: I didn't say to do that but I guess…

Barry: A little help you know, if you got the time, its really whatever

Lucas: Huh? sorry chimchar scratch that Zubat!

Grunt 1: You're out already? Fine I'll do this myself, Zubat leech life from the Turtwig

Barry: Tackle!

(The zubat quickly flies next to the turtwig dodges the tackle and leeches the life, turtwig goes down)

Barry: Come on turtwig don’t fall now

Rowan: Leech life is a bug move its super effective against grass types, your Turtwig cant take other hit like that

Barry: Come on Turtwig second time is the charm tackle again!

Grunt 1: Same thing!

Lucas: Chimchar try to intercept it!

(The Zubat dodges the turtwig again but is hit by the chimchar and sent flying away, but bites the chimchar before it scratches the zubat which then get tackled by the turwig and faints)

Barry: Awesome! nice job Turtwig return and get some rest!

Lucas: Ya amazing you too Chimchar return

Rowan: Good job both of you

Grunt 1: Why can't hq give us pokemon like that?

Grunt 2: All we get are these garbage Zubats

(a figure appears behind the three)

Mars: Never send a grunt to do a commander's job

Barry: Huh?

Mars: Purugly finish these amateurs

Barry: Bring it on! Turtwig I've got more Pokemon for you to destroy

Lucas: (quietly) Barry, our pokemon are tired from battling and that Pokemon looks really strong, We can't win!

Barry: You never know unless you try, Turtwig tackle

Mars: Purugly fury swipes

(before the two collide me spirit comes in-between them and puts both pokemon to sleep

Mars: Ohh my

Barry: Come on Turtwig you can nap later!

Mars: You fool don't you know what just happened! I must report this to Cyrus.

grunt 1: We'll huh escort you

Grunt 2: Ya

(the three run off)

Barry: Turtwig return

Rowan: Hmm

Barry: What?
Rowan: the way you thrust your pokemon in battle like that was foolish

Barry: Hey it worked didn't it

Rowan: I just hope you learn to not be such a hothead, there wont always be a legendary pokemon to save you

Lucas: So that was the legendary pokemon

Rowan: Yes Mespirit, the being of emotion, come you two lets head back to the lab. We have much to discuss

(Back at the lab)

Rowan: Dawn get these two’s pokemon healed up

Dawn: Yes professor

Barry: Come on Dawn how about a heroes welcome, look happy to see us, we are heros after all right Lucas?

Dawn: The only place I'd be happy to see you is in a cage with the other circus freaks

Barry: Hey thats no way to talk to the guy that single handedly saved your precious Professor

Dawn: Ohh ya I'm sure your friend did nothing

Barry: Ohh sorry luc…

Dawn: And if you were as good as me your Pokemon wouldn't need healing because they wouldn't have taken a hit (takes the poke ball from Barry)

Dawn: I don't think we've been properly introduced, I'm Dawn and you are?

Lucas: Lucas, uhh good to meet you

Dawn: Just dont be as annoying as your friend and well be good friends ( takes the pokeball from lucas)

Lucas: You get used to him don't worry.

Dawn: Doubt it (puts the pokeballs in the healer)

Dawn: Here's you coffee professor

Rowan: Thank you Dawn

Dawn: You two want anything? i can get Lucas water, Barry will have to get it himself

Lucas: I'm fine thanks

Barry: I'll take a virgin pinocolada, extra coconut flavor, three pineapple slices on the side and can you put the little umbrella on top

Dawn: How about I give you a knuckle sandwich

Rowan: Actually Dawn if you could sit down I would like you all to hear this

(Dawn reaches for the closest seat which is next to barry but barry puts his feet on the seat)

Barry: Sorry my hero feet need this seat you wouldn't get it though its a skilled trainer thing

Dawn: It's ok maybe if I sit next to Lucas I won't be able to smell everything you've been in in the last two weeks

Barry: I smell of adventure

Dawn: Adventure in the trash

Rowan: Everyone listen up today Barry, Lucas, and I encountered Cyrus

Dawn: Cyrus? He's back?

Lucas: Ya and we totally kicked his butt

Dawn: Now I know thats a lie

Rowan: He sent some grunts after us that Lucas and Barry were able to defeat handily if I do say so

Dawn: Wait so these two can actually battle?

Rowan: Yes they showed great expertise in combat I’m actually considering letting them keep the two pokemon i gave them

Barry: Huh for real gramps?

Rowan: I said considering so cut it out with the gramps stuff

Barry: Yes professor rowan, the one and only, young, handsome, smart, Professor Rowan

Dawn: Incredible the creature is capable of saying things other than insults

Barry: Not the mention I can count to like 17

Lucas: So who is this Cyrus guy anyways?

Dawn: You want me to professor?

Rowan: I'm not stoping you

Dawn: Cyrus was once on a research team with the professor looking into the mythology of the Sinnoh creation myths

Barry: Ohh you mean that old bedtime story?

Rowan: Our team found its not just an old bedtime story but real events that happened long ago.

Lucas: So why does Cyrus hate you now?

Rowan: Our funding stopped and the research team had to be disbanded, Cyrus was furious. He thinks I should have fought for our team harder and blames me for the disbanding to this day.

Dawn: He's also a very strong trainer someone not even Barry the magnificent could beat

Barry: Mmhmm sure

Rowan: This is not a joke Barry, Cyrus was obsessed with the myth and using the creators of Sinnoh for selfish reasons

Lucas: We got it Professor well be careful

Rowan: You two

Barry: Ya

Rowan: What do you plan on doing with those Pokemon

Barry: Taking on the League of course, its been mine and Lucas’s dream since we were kids

Lucas: Were planning on become the first champion pair

Dawn: Ahahahahahahhahhah, oh your serious

Barry: It may be a childish dream but its better than being a lab assistant

Dawn: Hmmmmmm

Rowan: Well I'm going to ask while you take on the League Challenge you keep an eye out for Cyrus and his men

Lucas: Sounds fair since you did give us Pokemon

Barry: Ya thanks Professor but I'll proboly just use the Pokemon you gave me to catch an even more powerful one

Rowan: Hahah I'm sure you will well since you two are going to be looking at all the Pokemon you see anyways I want you take these

Lucas: What are those

Rowan: They're Pokedexs, they record data about the Pokemon you encounter

Barry: Cool

Rowan: And my final request is this

Barry: Ya sure anything

Rowan: I want you to take Dawn with you

Barry: Except that….

Dawn: I don't know if I'm on board with this either

Rowan: Dawn as my lab assistant I need you to go around sinnoh as I cannot anymore at my age

Dawn: Can’t I go with someone else?

Rowan: No these trainers will be heading to all the major spots in Sinnoh to get the gym badges they need and you will need to study all the major spots in Sinnoh, you could say its meant to be

Barry: Didn't you hear the old man, were meant to be

Dawn: I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth

Barry: You wouldn't be able to get a date even if you were the last woman on Earth if you keep dressing like that

Dawn: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY CLOTHES WHY DONT YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY

Rowan: Why don't you two take it outside

Dawn: Your right, indoors is to civilized for a bar-barry-an

Barry: How long did it take for you to come up with that

Dawn: It take me long long time barry (in barbarian voice)

Rowan: Lucas I have something to give to you

Lucas: Huh what is it

Rowan: It's an old orb we found in one of the ruins we discovered

Lucas: Why are you giving it to me?

Rowan: In all my years I never found a use for it, but I feel like you can and if its important to Cyrus I trust in in your hands more than my own

Lucas: I'm not the best person to give it to shouldn't you give it to Barry or Dawn

Rowan: I am very specific with my actions Lucas, I would not be giving this to you if i did not have complete trust in you and your character.

Rowan: You see those two arguing out there

Barry: Lets settle this, Turtwig go

Dawn: No fair you have the advantage

Barry: I thought you were the master trainer

Rowan: They need a leader, one with common sense but also guts and willingness to put things on the line. You now command the fire type Chimchar, barry the grass type Turtwig, and dawn the water type Piplup. In battle each of those Pokemon is powerful but they also have weaknesses. But if they all work together, fire, water, and grass, they can cover each others weaknesses and truly shine It is the same with people you see, together your all talented trainers, but together, together you will truly be able to show this world true power

Lucas: I understand, trust me professor we will be great (runs out and gets dawn and barry to run with him)

Rowan: (looking out at them run away an Aipom walks next to rowan) Aipom my old friend, do you remember that old crown we found excavating?

It was the most beautiful thing I ever seen, a bring shiny pearl in the center, diamond studs on the side, and all held together by a strong platinum frame.

Hey guys I'm here with a semi first draft of a script I have for a possible manga I was thinking about trying to make. The story is going to follow the plot of Platinum with twists and a bigger emphasis on character development and Lucas, Dawn, and Barry working together as a team. Think of the script as the script to an anime episode and try not to mind the grammar and spelling errors too much I would love feedback on my portrayals of the characters so far and the story in general. Please constructive criticism no flame. Also towards the end I was listening to the Skyward Sword theme and it got me in a big adventure mood so Rowans ending speech might be a little cheesy and over blown I got kicked off the fan fiction page so just message me if you have feedback positive or negative

This is Lucas. He is hoping to one day become a Pokemon master just like his father. Nothing will stop him from defeating all 8 gyms and the Pokemon league. He as vowed to become the greatest trainer in Sinnoh and maybe even the world! But first he has to get out of his room and away from his TV

TV: Special news today coming from Sandgem town today as the famed Pokemon researcher known to many as Professor Rowan has returned from the Kanto region back to his home, the Sinnoh. He has been quoted saying he will set up the first world class research facility in the Sinnoh in Sandgem Town in order to help research the legendary Pokemon said to be living in Lake Verity

(commotion heard downstairs and crashing heard)

Barry: sorry sorry sorry

(running up stairs heard)

Barry: Lucas Lucas did you hear?

TV: In other news a streak of red was seen in the sky today in Hoenn

Barry: a streak of red huh, wonder what that could be, I mean did you hear?

Lucas: slow down barry hear what?

Barry: Oh my god this is so great some professor guy like Rowan or something is in Sandgem Town. I heard you can get Pokemon from him if you get there. We gotta go now Lucas! Before all the Pokemon are gone!

Lucas: Ok lets go race you there

Barry: Ha you’ll never beat me in a race and pretty soon you'll never beat me in a Pokemon battle either

(both run out the house)

Lucas’s Mom: Huh Lucas where are you going?

Lucas: gonna get some Pokemon mom I'll be back before dark!!

(Lucas pops his head back in the door)

Lucas: Love you!!

Barry: Your making this to easy, come on Lucas!!!!

(Barry’s mom open her door)

Barry’s mom: Where are you two going in such a hurry!!
(Barry and Lucas are running until Lucas trips over a branch and hits a small tree dropping a nest from it Starly then attack them both)

Dawn: Piplup bubble beam pronto!!

(Piplup scatters the Stary and saves barry and Lucas)

Dawn: Piplup return!

Dawn: You reckless fools you ruined my research I almost had that Starly egg

Barry: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket

Dawn: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket (in mocking voice) the nerve of you. Let me tell you something…

Barry: Barry

Dawn: Barry, didn't your mother ever teach you its not nice to talk over other, and it would be nie if you showed a little consideration for my loss instead of mooring over your ugly jacket

Barry: Hey calm down girl we were just trying to get some pokemon and I take pride in how I dress, something it appears like you don't

Dawn: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!

(Rowan walks up)

Rowan: Dawn what is the meaning of this is your yelling what scared off that flock of stary i just saw?

Dawn: Proffesor I’m sorry it just that umm

Barry: Wait your professor rowan?

Dawn: What did I say about interrupting me?!

Rowan: Yes I am child and whats your name

Dawn: This is Barry, he's the nimrod who scared off all the staly

Barry: Sorry Professor but me and my friend here were runnig to get Pokemon from you

Rowan: (laughing) Do you think I just give out pokemon?

Barry: Well I mean kind of like I heard you were from a guy who heard it from the news or something I dont remember it could have been lemme think umm

Rowan: My my, your brain runs at full speed doesn't it
Barry: (embarrassed) ya well

Rowan: Forgive me but im not sure I know your name

Lucas: Ohh sorry Professor I'm Lucas and im the one who hit the stary nest and made them go haywire, sorry

Barry: Ya, so maybe you should give the evil eye to him not me lady

Dawn: I'll give the evil eye to whoever I want, me and my ugly clothes are free to do as we please. And trust me it not like I want to stare at you, it hard to stare at such a disgusting face to be honest

Barry: Why you I’ll…

Lucas: (grabs barry) We should probably be going back to Twinleaf Town

Rowan: You're going to Twinleaf Town? Why dont you two escort me to Lake verity then, its not far off and considering the commotion you stirred up, its the least you can do

Lucas: We’d be happy to professor

Rowan: And if you two want pokemon then why dont you try out these two

Dawn: Professor your not really going to give them those are you

Rowan: We'll see Dawn

(Rowan reaches into his bag and pulls two poke balls)

Rowan: For you Barry, this Pokemon should be right up your alley

(Barry gets a turtwig)

Barry: Really Professor and slow Turtwig?

(Turtwig tackles Barry)

Rowan: He's almost as hot tempered as you'd say

Rowan: Here lucas this one is for you

(Lucas gets a chimchar)

Lucas: What is it Professor?

Rowan: Its a Chimchar, a fire type pokemon

Barry: Hey no fair, fire beats grass
Rowan: Ahh I see you know more about pokemon than would meet the eye, dawn you can head back to the lab I,m sure these two can escort me just fine

Dawn: ...but but

Barry: You heard the man leave us be, we got important stuff to do

dawn: Ohh would you shut up

barry: Bye bye love you!!

Dawn: Im going to kill you i swear!!

(At Lake Verity)

Barry: So gramps what are we doing here

Rowan: Its profesor for the 12th time

Barry: Ok gramps

Rowan: And were here so I can get some reading on that island

Lucas: What island I can’t see though all this fog

Rowan: Hmm yes, Dawn was supposed to use the stary to defog this place

Barry: I can barley see at all

Lucas: Hey looks like there other people here (pointing at three silhouetted figures)

Barry: I'll ask them if they can defog this place, HEY YOU GUYS!

(the three figures turn and one walks up)

Rowan: Cyrus!

Barry: Huh you know this guy?

Cyrus: Its good to see you old man

Lucas: Hey dont call him that only I can call him that

Cyrus: (snickers) I see you still have younger trainers do your work for you, never a man to get his hands dirty

Rowan: Hmm I'm inclined to call you a hypocrite, why don’t your goons come out of the fog and show their faces

Grunt 1: Gladly

Grunt 2: Well take it one step further and show you our pokemon too Zubat go!

Barry: If you want to fight I'm game I'm sure Turtwig would love to destroy you and your weird hair for his first battle

Lucas: Barry, don’t escalate things

Barry: I wont let these two pawns try to intimidate us with their Pokemon Lucas come on get your Chimchar out too

Cyrus: He's right Barry, lets not let things get out of hand

Barry: Then why dont you tell your thugs to back off

Cyrus: Hush now the important people have to talk

Barry: Why I ought to….

Rowan: Barry… So Cyrus why are you here

Cyrus: Same reason you are, I’m observing the legendary Pokemon

Rowan: And what would you want to learn about the legendary pokemon hmm?

Cyrus: Im afraid thats a conversation for another time you see I have to be somewhere (turns back to his grunts) I trust you two will handle this

Grunts: (nod)

Cyrus: leave the old man, the other two you can dispose of, (walking away) Its been fun Ill see you later

Grunt 1: Zubat lets go poison sting!

Grunt 2: You too!!

Lucas: Huh (fumbles with poke ball and get Chimchar out)

(Chimchar gets out right infront of the poison sting and doesn't have time to dodge, turtwig deflects it with his head)

Lucas: Chimchar! Uhhhh (Lucas glaces over to Barry's battle)

Barry: Turtwig tackle!!!

Grunt 1: Dodge it

(zubat dodges but turtwig catches him with his tail)

Barry: Nice job your faster than you look turtwig

Lucas: No kidding

Rowan: Pay attention to your battle

Grunt 2: Zubat Bite!

Lucas: Huh?....Chimchar dodge it

Rowan: And leer!

(Chimchar dodges then eyes the zubat straight on intimidating it)

Lucas: Great now scratch!

(chimchar runs up to the zubat paralyzed in fear and takes the scratch head on

Lucas: A critical hit yes!

(The zubat is down and chimchar scratches again fainting it)

Lucas: I didn't say to do that but I guess…

Barry: A little help you know, if you got the time, its really whatever

Lucas: Huh? sorry chimchar scratch that Zubat!

Grunt 1: You're out already? Fine I'll do this myself, Zubat leech life from the Turtwig

Barry: Tackle!

(The zubat quickly flies next to the turtwig dodges the tackle and leeches the life, turtwig goes down)

Barry: Come on turtwig don’t fall now

Rowan: Leech life is a bug move its super effective against grass types, your Turtwig cant take other hit like that

Barry: Come on Turtwig second time is the charm tackle again!

Grunt 1: Same thing!

Lucas: Chimchar try to intercept it!

(The Zubat dodges the turtwig again but is hit by the chimchar and sent flying away, but bites the chimchar before it scratches the zubat which then get tackled by the turwig and faints)

Barry: Awesome! nice job Turtwig return and get some rest!

Lucas: Ya amazing you too Chimchar return

Rowan: Good job both of you

Grunt 1: Why can't hq give us pokemon like that?

Grunt 2: All we get are these garbage Zubats

(a figure appears behind the three)

Mars: Never send a grunt to do a commander's job

Barry: Huh?

Mars: Purugly finish these amateurs

Barry: Bring it on! Turtwig I've got more Pokemon for you to destroy

Lucas: (quietly) Barry, our pokemon are tired from battling and that Pokemon looks really strong, We can't win!

Barry: You never know unless you try, Turtwig tackle

Mars: Purugly fury swipes

(before the two collide me spirit comes in-between them and puts both pokemon to sleep

Mars: Ohh my

Barry: Come on Turtwig you can nap later!

Mars: You fool don't you know what just happened! I must report this to Cyrus.

grunt 1: We'll huh escort you

Grunt 2: Ya

(the three run off)

Barry: Turtwig return

Rowan: Hmm

Barry: What?
Rowan: the way you thrust your pokemon in battle like that was foolish

Barry: Hey it worked didn't it

Rowan: I just hope you learn to not be such a hothead, there wont always be a legendary pokemon to save you

Lucas: So that was the legendary pokemon

Rowan: Yes Mespirit, the being of emotion, come you two lets head back to the lab. We have much to discuss

(Back at the lab)

Rowan: Dawn get these two’s pokemon healed up

Dawn: Yes professor

Barry: Come on Dawn how about a heroes welcome, look happy to see us, we are heros after all right Lucas?

Dawn: The only place I'd be happy to see you is in a cage with the other circus freaks

Barry: Hey thats no way to talk to the guy that single handedly saved your precious Professor

Dawn: Ohh ya I'm sure your friend did nothing

Barry: Ohh sorry luc…

Dawn: And if you were as good as me your Pokemon wouldn't need healing because they wouldn't have taken a hit (takes the poke ball from Barry)

Dawn: I don't think we've been properly introduced, I'm Dawn and you are?

Lucas: Lucas, uhh good to meet you

Dawn: Just dont be as annoying as your friend and well be good friends ( takes the pokeball from lucas)

Lucas: You get used to him don't worry.

Dawn: Doubt it (puts the pokeballs in the healer)

Dawn: Here's you coffee professor

Rowan: Thank you Dawn

Dawn: You two want anything? i can get Lucas water, Barry will have to get it himself

Lucas: I'm fine thanks

Barry: I'll take a virgin pinocolada, extra coconut flavor, three pineapple slices on the side and can you put the little umbrella on top

Dawn: How about I give you a knuckle sandwich

Rowan: Actually Dawn if you could sit down I would like you all to hear this

(Dawn reaches for the closest seat which is next to barry but barry puts his feet on the seat)

Barry: Sorry my hero feet need this seat you wouldn't get it though its a skilled trainer thing

Dawn: It's ok maybe if I sit next to Lucas I won't be able to smell everything you've been in in the last two weeks

Barry: I smell of adventure

Dawn: Adventure in the trash

Rowan: Everyone listen up today Barry, Lucas, and I encountered Cyrus

Dawn: Cyrus? He's back?

Lucas: Ya and we totally kicked his butt

Dawn: Now I know thats a lie

Rowan: He sent some grunts after us that Lucas and Barry were able to defeat handily if I do say so

Dawn: Wait so these two can actually battle?

Rowan: Yes they showed great expertise in combat I’m actually considering letting them keep the two pokemon i gave them

Barry: Huh for real gramps?

Rowan: I said considering so cut it out with the gramps stuff

Barry: Yes professor rowan, the one and only, young, handsome, smart, Professor Rowan

Dawn: Incredible the creature is capable of saying things other than insults

Barry: Not the mention I can count to like 17

Lucas: So who is this Cyrus guy anyways?

Dawn: You want me to professor?

Rowan: I'm not stoping you

Dawn: Cyrus was once on a research team with the professor looking into the mythology of the Sinnoh creation myths

Barry: Ohh you mean that old bedtime story?

Rowan: Our team found its not just an old bedtime story but real events that happened long ago.

Lucas: So why does Cyrus hate you now?

Rowan: Our funding stopped and the research team had to be disbanded, Cyrus was furious. He thinks I should have fought for our team harder and blames me for the disbanding to this day.

Dawn: He's also a very strong trainer someone not even Barry the magnificent could beat

Barry: Mmhmm sure

Rowan: This is not a joke Barry, Cyrus was obsessed with the myth and using the creators of Sinnoh for selfish reasons

Lucas: We got it Professor well be careful

Rowan: You two

Barry: Ya

Rowan: What do you plan on doing with those Pokemon

Barry: Taking on the League of course, its been mine and Lucas’s dream since we were kids

Lucas: Were planning on become the first champion pair

Dawn: Ahahahahahahhahhah, oh your serious

Barry: It may be a childish dream but its better than being a lab assistant

Dawn: Hmmmmmm

Rowan: Well I'm going to ask while you take on the League Challenge you keep an eye out for Cyrus and his men

Lucas: Sounds fair since you did give us Pokemon

Barry: Ya thanks Professor but I'll proboly just use the Pokemon you gave me to catch an even more powerful one

Rowan: Hahah I'm sure you will well since you two are going to be looking at all the Pokemon you see anyways I want you take these

Lucas: What are those

Rowan: They're Pokedexs, they record data about the Pokemon you encounter

Barry: Cool

Rowan: And my final request is this

Barry: Ya sure anything

Rowan: I want you to take Dawn with you

Barry: Except that….

Dawn: I don't know if I'm on board with this either

Rowan: Dawn as my lab assistant I need you to go around sinnoh as I cannot anymore at my age

Dawn: Can’t I go with someone else?

Rowan: No these trainers will be heading to all the major spots in Sinnoh to get the gym badges they need and you will need to study all the major spots in Sinnoh, you could say its meant to be

Barry: Didn't you hear the old man, were meant to be

Dawn: I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth

Barry: You wouldn't be able to get a date even if you were the last woman on Earth if you keep dressing like that

Dawn: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY CLOTHES WHY DONT YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY

Rowan: Why don't you two take it outside

Dawn: Your right, indoors is to civilized for a bar-barry-an

Barry: How long did it take for you to come up with that

Dawn: It take me long long time barry (in barbarian voice)

Rowan: Lucas I have something to give to you

Lucas: Huh what is it

Rowan: It's an old orb we found in one of the ruins we discovered

Lucas: Why are you giving it to me?

Rowan: In all my years I never found a use for it, but I feel like you can and if its important to Cyrus I trust in in your hands more than my own

Lucas: I'm not the best person to give it to shouldn't you give it to Barry or Dawn

Rowan: I am very specific with my actions Lucas, I would not be giving this to you if i did not have complete trust in you and your character.

Rowan: You see those two arguing out there

Barry: Lets settle this, Turtwig go

Dawn: No fair you have the advantage

Barry: I thought you were the master trainer

Rowan: They need a leader, one with common sense but also guts and willingness to put things on the line. You now command the fire type Chimchar, barry the grass type Turtwig, and dawn the water type Piplup. In battle each of those Pokemon is powerful but they also have weaknesses. But if they all work together, fire, water, and grass, they can cover each others weaknesses and truly shine It is the same with people you see, together your all talented trainers, but together, together you will truly be able to show this world true power

Lucas: I understand, trust me professor we will be great (runs out and gets dawn and barry to run with him)

Rowan: (looking out at them run away an Aipom walks next to rowan) Aipom my old friend, do you remember that old crown we found excavating?

It was the most beautiful thing I ever seen, a bring shiny pearl in the center, diamond studs on the side, and all held together by a strong platinum frame.
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  #68    
Old June 26th, 2014, 04:00 PM
bobandbill's Avatar
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3rddegreepwnedge, I would suggest expanding more on the script for starters. A script isn't meant to just show dialogue - it needs to include details on the setting, stage directions, and how characters speak and what they do. Just being a script means you should skimp on those details - they are what help make the story interesting after all, and dialogue alone won't carry the story. You do this a couple times at the very end, but it has to be throughout the whole script.

Also be sure to proofread. You're missing out on a lot of full stops there to end sentences, and some lines you didn't capitalise either (e.g. 'Barry: a streak of red huh, wonder what that could be, I mean did you hear?'). Run it through a spell and grammar checker and edit for simple errors like that, as they are easy to fix and just distract from the story.
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Old July 7th, 2014, 09:04 PM
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Very very short post here, because I want some reassurance that what I'm doing is working. The current chapter I'm working on is a flashback chapter, and I want to make sure the reader understands which scenes are in the past and which are in the future. I'm worried about the current scene that I'm writing, since this is the first time I'm writing a flashback chapter ever, so I'll share it here.

I should warn that this isn't edited at all.

Spoiler:
Quote:
The Kaiser held the Digimental in his hand. He turned it over, studying it. He was aware of the sharp needle sticking out of the top, and kept his gloves on as he traced his fingers along the design. BlackMetalGreymon didn't recognize the purple design on the egg. The Kaiser's silence told BlackMetalGreymon that the human didn't know what it was either.

The Kaiser's general hadn't trusted the idea of leaving BlackWereGarurumon alone in the base. The Chosen Digimon was so recently overtaken by the Kaiser's power, and BlackMetalGreymon expected him to free himself at any time. BlackMetalGreymon had expected to return to the base to find the Kaiser killed and the Chosen Children celebrating their victory.

Getting the Digimental had to be done. BlackMetalGreymon ventured this idea the day after the pitiful Armadimon evolved to Submarimon when his human partner used a Digimental.

“How many Digimentals are there?” the Kaiser asked. He stared at a map of the DigiWorld, planning his next attack. The army was gaining new territory every day. The Chosen Children tried to free areas, but they didn't have the dedication the Kaiser did. Any area they freed was quickly taken over again and reinforced.
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Old July 7th, 2014, 09:38 PM
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May I post some stuff as well :D I've already started on my own FanFiction here called Pokémon The Kanto Journey.
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Old July 7th, 2014, 11:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
Very very short post here, because I want some reassurance that what I'm doing is working. The current chapter I'm working on is a flashback chapter, and I want to make sure the reader understands which scenes are in the past and which are in the future. I'm worried about the current scene that I'm writing, since this is the first time I'm writing a flashback chapter ever, so I'll share it here.
So as I understand it, the first two paragraphs are strictly narrative-present, and the third acts as a bridge between narrative-present and narrative-past, which starts with the fourth paragraph.

I read it twice before being certain on my understanding, but that may just have been because I haven't read the story up to that point. If you're worried about the reader missing the transition--which I always worry about when the scene changes substantially over only a few lines--I don't think it would hurt to add a "Five Digi-Weeks Ago" or another delineating something on its own line before the fourth paragraph. I know some people don't like artificial meta-text or other formatting stuff in their writing (say, putting a flashback in italics), but you need to tread carefully when it comes to temporal transitions.

Maybe the third paragraph could be extended by establishing where the following flashback takes place as well, so you're more sure the reader registers the scene change? If there's genuine ambiguity about the transition, I'd say it's because on its own the fourth paragraph reads like it could take place in the same location/time as the first two. If the change in the location is emphasized as well as the change in time, I think it might work better.

So yeah, Digimon. Digital Monsters. Digimon are the champions. *repeats ad nauseum*

Quote:
Originally Posted by pokenavkev15
May I post some stuff as well :D I've already started on my own FanFiction here called Pokémon The Kanto Journey.
You don't need permission to post excerpts here, so have at it!
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There's Always Tomorrow (SWC 2009), A Matter of Stubbornness (SWC 2010), Left by the Roadside
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Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It (2012), By What Right? (SWC 2013 1st place), Back in the Day (SWC 2014 1st place) (New!)


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Last edited by icomeanon6; July 7th, 2014 at 11:29 PM.
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  #72    
Old July 8th, 2014, 12:08 AM
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pokenavkev15
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Ok then Here's a little draft for my Fanfic. I'm intending to make the R/B/Y/Fr/Lg story "darker." Also, some backstories will be included such as the formation of Team Rocket, so this an early draft.
Spoiler:
~~~~~~12 Years Ago
Professor Oak stood at the door looking outside. He turns and sits down a chair.
"Why would I listen to you?" he said. A man walks up to him.
"Because, I have your son and his wife in my hideout. Either you cooperate, or my father will kill them," he said smiling.
The Professor gets up. "Mr. Fuji is involved too isn't he? He and I studied about these kinds of things years ago. Now you're trying to get us started on this again? We had enough of your bullying, we refuse to be in your little crime syndicate!"
"Fuji and his brother have successfully helped The Rocket Gang for at least three years now. Our research and knowledge is almost endless because of them. Like my father said, our power is rising, and soon, we will be rich."
The Professor smiles and eventually laughs. "Even you know that's a load of bull. I should've known you were involved with The Rocket Gang. You always seemed more vicious than the others," the Professor sits down on a different chair.
"You idiot! You will work for us, or you will never see them again! How would their son and daughter feel knowing that their parents were killed by your demands?"
Samuel stands up. "You leave the kids out of this," he said closing his fists.
"Listen when I say this. You will retire as champion of the Kanto region. You will stop trying to complete the Pokedex. You will no longer travel regions to gather and add more information with your stupid Professor friends. You will help us clone Pokémon. You've done it before, or did you forget about that Pikachu?"
Oak's eyes widen.
"Oh yes, Fuji told me everything. You succeeded in cloning a wild Pikachu. Where is it now? Did you kill it? Or are you waiting to hand it away to some late boy on his first day of the journey to become champion?"
The Professor shakes his head. "The Pikachu is too unstable. I'm planning on putting it down. Why don't you find some other Professor to bother?" he said as he served himself a glass shot of whiskey.
"You see, I was raised here in Kanto. My hometown is Viridian City. That's why I reside there unless I'm needed. I won't travel anywhere else. Who will I go too? Elm is another prick who is barely learning to be a professor. Birch is nothing but your own friend, and you care about him don't you? Maybe I should go to Hoenn and bring him here right? I'll cut open his throat."
The Professor grabs him and slams him against the wall. "If you touch him-"
"What? Hahaha, I knew it, you do care about him as more don't you? I've heard of the very old rumors before, and now this confirms this! I've mentioned in killing your family but you snap on Birch? Now I know the truth. Let me go you moron," he said and Oak does so.
"Sinnoh is too far away. Rowen is nothing but an idiot as well. Anymore I need to get out of you? Or will you finally listen to what my father wants you to do."
Oak looks at the ground. "What the hell do you want?"
"We captured a Pokémon and I need you to clone it. Along with Mr. Fuji, you two should be able to clone it. My father doesn't wish to be disappointed you know."
"What Pokémon do you want me to kill? The process does involve killing it and eventually a clone is made. What possibly would you want? What Pokémon in the whole goddamn world do you want me to kill so you can leave my friends and family alone?!" Oak screams.
He sees him gather all of his stuff. "I'll come back tomorrow so I can take you to the lab in Cinnabar Island," he walks to the door.
He opens it. "And the Pokémon you're going to kill is a Mew," he said leaving Oak in shock and disbelief.
"Mew?"
He sits on a floor and stares at the exit.

Mr. Fuji bursts through the door. "I came as soon as I heard."
Mr. Fuji stood there watching Oak walk around.
"We have no choice Sam, either we work for that bastard or we lose everything."
Oak looks at Fuji. "I have two children that I have to take care of: a baby boy, and a six year old girl. Their parents are gone. My son is gone. You think that I would just sit around?" Oak states as he drank another shot of whiskey. Fuji grabs the bottle and smashes it in the floor. "It's 8:35 in the night Sam. Stop drinking, I need you to focus for tomorrow," Fuji said to Sam.
"Where's your brother? Where is he?" Sam suddenly said.
"He officially joined The Rocket Gang. It's just you and me," Mr. Fuji said sitting in a chair.
They are consumed by silence that lasted for a few minutes.
Fuji stands up. "I've seen the Mew," he said.
"I thought he was bluffing," Oak said.
"He wasn't. I thought it was impossible, but they invented some kind of collar, stopping all of Mew's abilities. I tried to take it off but it is sealed to its skin. If I take it out, I'll kill it."
"We'll still have to kill it anyhow."
Fuji walks to the back room. Oak follows.
"Where's Pikachu?" Fuji said going through every Pokeball.
"It's always in the case. I can't let it out, it's too dangerous, it has enough electrical power as a Raichu," Oak said.
"The Rocket Gang will use our knowledge to their advantage, and other scientists who pledged to work for them will be with us too. Something tells me that they are going to create something more... something dangerous. Samuel, we cannot let them have us, we can flee! We need to hide the Pikachu as well!" Fuji said.
"We can't, we have too many people that we care about," Oak said.
"We'll hide them. Hide them all. My brother knows some knowledge, but without us, he cannot complete this matter. We'll call them."
Oak looked hesitant. "Where would we go?" Oak stated.
"I think you know the answer."
The Professor's eyes widen.
"Prepare everything. We're leaving before sunrise."

The Rocket Gang dash open the door. The Boss goes in and sees the lab empty.
"He booked it too. They're gone," said a grunt.
The Boss looks around. "It doesn't matter. Send a plane out to Hoenn and Johto. He's in either region," the Boss said looking around. The grunts walk away leaving him alone with his son.
He pics up a picture of Samuel and his two students. "I guess that you do want people dying after all."
The Boss' son walks up to broken glass. "We should've taken him yesterday. He wouldn't have left."
"No. We will follow. For his insolence, he won't have a happy ending. I want you to head out to Viridian City and you will stay in there to be safe. We are crossing the borders of our region, so there will be dire consequences. Especially with the High Counselor. I will handle this idiot. He has no idea the pain I will endure to him."
The two of them walk out the door. "You know that your girlfriend Arianna would not like it when she discovers the truth, my son."
"I know father, but I can't tell her, she will never forgive me for who I am. What I've become..."
The Rocket Gang Leader slaps his son across the face. His son stares in fear. "You imbecile! Do you have any idea what you are saying!? This organization has been within our family name for years! The Plasma Syndicate know this, and I am getting far too old to still be leader of the Rocket Gang! You will bring her in, or she will die!" He walks off.
The Leader's son looks at the floor. "I never wanted this. The Plasma Syndicate will pay dearly for this. Mark my words."
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Old July 8th, 2014, 03:49 AM
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I agree with icomeanon - Something like a scene transition would help (I've always used *** - nice and simple, and not overly informative, although italics for that past scene would be doable too imo). Mind you, without context it may well just be harder for me to tell. Or more info - the transition does need a bit of work either way in being clearer.

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So yeah, Digimon. Digital Monsters. Digimon are the champions. *repeats ad nauseum*
When I think of the Digimon theme song, it's in Polish because of the small handful of episodes I watched it was in Polish. [/aside]

pokenavkev15 - I'd suggest spacing that out firstly, so there's a line of spacing between each paragraph/new line of dialogue. That way it'll be easier to read.
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Old July 8th, 2014, 02:47 PM
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Thanks, bobandbill and icomeanon6! I decided last night to cut the scene that I was transitioning to in the sample I posted because it didn't add anything to the story. (The information I wanted to tell can be done in one sentence in the present narration.) I'll be sure to keep the advice in mind if I ever attempt this again!
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Old August 2nd, 2014, 05:24 AM
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This is the prologue to my failed NaNoWriMo-Camp piece. It's a chase scene, I really struggled to fluff up the words without repeating myself or losing the pace. I was reasonably happy with this bit by the end.
Spoiler:
Prologue:

The westward breeze carried the paper-thin wings, the plane soaring through the evening sky. The pilot, panicked by his pursuers, frantically twisted at the steering wheel; the plane jolted from left to right. There was little colour left in the world at this time of day, the surrounding trees becoming a blur of black as the sun set on the horizon - the enemy blended in with the mass of vegetation around him.

The beating of wings, followed by a short, sharp call. Creeping shadows burst out of the treeline, their enormous, feathered wings evident as they soared above their prey into the reddening sky. The pilot knew the predators meant business. He rattled a control stick by his leg; a section of the tail wobbled in unison, throwing the plane into an erratic flight-path.

The first assault came soon after, the giant predator bombing down from above. Talons flashed by the aircraft, narrowly missing the delicate structure. A chilling squawk cackled as the ferocious bird circled its prey, taunting the defenseless creature as it prepared for another attack. The second hawk joined, the smaller female looking equally dangerous to the frantic aeronaut.

This scene was not new to the pilot, it was a danger he faced every day. The hawks had always been hunting him, as long as he could remember, always chasing him around the forest - he could never escape.

He knew a second dive attempt was imminent. As the treeline broke, the pilot changed tactics, plunging the plane into a downward spiral to gain some distance from its hunters. Beyond the cover of the trees, he knew that the hunters would soon catch up, the only way to win this race was to use the aerial terrain to his advantage.

Fragile wings was buffeted by the wind, but the aircraft held together as the able pilot levelled off, flying back into the forest under the protection of the canopy. The hawks were out of sight, the pilot hoped he was off their radar as well.

The foliage cut out the light, the pilot had to rely on his instincts to maneuver in the darkness. Short, sharp turns barely avoided the tree trunks. Silence had crept in since going into hiding, there were no signs of the ensuing predators - however, he knew they were there. Even the rustling leaves seemed to stand still as the pilot strained to hear any sign of another onslaught.

There was no safe place he knew of, nowhere to aim for, no direction any more favourable. If he could get some distance though, the pilot might survive another day. He was used to life on the run, always escaping the fearsome predators of the vinewood.

Something moved in the corner of his vision; the pilot couldn’t react fast enough. The strong, feathered wing made contact. A disastrous crack followed, signalled the breaking of the aeroplane’s wing. The desperate aeronaut struggled with the controls; however, nothing seemed to be helping.

Spiralling down from the canopy, the aircraft was lost. The pilot braced for impact, mind blank with fear. The plane crashed earlier than expected; a spattering of glass cushioning the descent. The plane found ground on a spacious, soft floor. The mangled remains would need weeks worth of repair to ever be air-worthy again. Shrill cries echoed from behind, the hawks darting past the smashed window in search of their prey. There was no way in. The pilot was safe from the birds, for now.
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