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[Other Original] Chaos the Apocalypse

5
Posts
8
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen Apr 6, 2016
Chaos the Apocalypse
Written by Ethano​


Chapter 1 - The well dressed man.

Spoiler:
 
1,863
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12
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Hey! First of all, I want to say welcome to PokeCommunity, namely the Fanfiction and Writing community, seeing as you're new; secondly, I want to give a little input on your story, which piqued my interest.

I want to start off by saying that your sentences feel sort of staccato to me; maybe try using semicolons?

He awoke a second time to the uneasy sound of what wasn't there. His mouth was parched and his stomach was expunged from previous edibles.

I really enjoy the description here, plus the vocab in the second sentence.

Calum with eyes thickly wide blinked hoping to erase this vision but it did not happen.

I feel that there should be commas after 'Calum,' 'wide,' and 'blinked'.

So with a lick of the dry lips, he walked to the first building.

You mean his dry lips?

Calum couldn't remember much besides the image of society far back in his head. He knew he had a mother and father but did not miss them. He knew he went to school, and played soccer but couldn't care about it. It may have been from what happened to him before this new world, or he could have always felt this way but all he knew for certain was he was very lonely.

This is actually very curious for how much it goes against what I've usually read; I've never seen a character in this situation being so impassive about his old life, but as you've said he was lonely, so...

But wishing was not a game Calum liked to play, it seemed fake and pointless.

I really like this guy.

The man had long slicked back hair to the color brown and he was slender like a stick but muscular to hold it together.

There's an extra 'to' in the beginning, and I can't really understand the second part. 'Slender like a stick but muscular to hold it together'?

"Please I have stuff to do, last thing I need is a bothersome kid at my side." said Simon. Calum then sighed winds of despair, causing Simon to see his loneliness. Simon sighed. "Hey...Kid you can follow me till' the next village, okay?" Calum looked up and smiled, then Simon did too.

This part is actually quite cliched, but the rest of the story was interesting enough to hold my attention. All in all, it seems interesting and I truly like Callum's character, and I wonder why he seems to be the latest to wake up of more humans hanging around? I'll hang around to find out.
 
5
Posts
8
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen Apr 6, 2016
Thank you oh so very much for your feedback! To be honest I didn't think I would get much. haha

Anyway I'm planning on fixing the errors that you pointed out, and maybe changing the dialogue to a more realistic tone. (Instead of that cliche dialect)
 
5
Posts
8
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen Apr 6, 2016
Chapter 2 - Joker

Spoiler:
 
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