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  #1    
Old April 13th, 2013, 12:28 AM
AXELXu7's Avatar
AXELXu7
Kusari Ninja
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sorry, no.
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky

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_____Cold, slow at first, began clawing itself into my extremities. I was cold. I tried to open my eyes, but they were frozen shut. I tried to move, but I couldn't. I was cataleptic, but I was here. I became aware of chilled air beginning to creep into my chest. Hours and hours passed, and I willed myself to move a finger. Success! I could hear the chirp of a Taillow, and little footsteps nearby. I felt a prod. I tried to force myself to move an arm. Again, the prod, twice this time. I could spasm in my elbow, and I nearly had a fist formed. A half hour later, the prod came again. This time, I gasped, air flooding my lungs all at once, I coughed, mucus had coated my throat. I coughed until I couldn't see. A wet sticky slime flew out of my throat, an unpleasant taste, but at least I could taste. I rubbed the frost from my eyes, and I could see it was evening. I could move, see, taste, hear, feel and smell, and that's all I needed. I lifted my torso away from a rut in the ground, and I scared away whatever prodded me, but it came back. It was a Zangoose. He looked young, maybe a few months old. Couldn't have been more than a Lv 5.
"Hey, thanks for waking me up."
Zangoose: "Zaan, zangoo."
I sat for a moment, feeling rather cold, but okay for now. I searched my memory, and tried to remember, but I didn't remember my name. I can't remember how I got here, I can't remember who I was, and I'm lost.
"This sucks. Zangoose, I don't remember who I am."
Zangoose: "Zaangoo…"
Zangoose seemed to say: There must be some clue.
I checked my pockets, pouches, and found a wallet. It was emblazoned with an emblem I didn't recognize. Inside was a Trainer Card. On the header it said Vincent Black, the date was from eight years ago. In my wallet was 300 pokedollars. In a pouch on my side I found a great ball.
Vincent: "Turns out my name's Vincent, and I found a Great Ball. What do you say? Wanna help me a while longer?"
Zangoose seemed a bit worried.
Vincent: "It'll be okay, I owe you one for waking me. I promise I'll pay up."
Zangoose: "Zaan." He walked up and pushed the button with his nose. The indicator went red for a little while, then turned white, and made a strange metal sound.
Vincent: "Now let's get out of this cold."
Vincent saw mountain peaks on his left, and headed right. No point in going to an even colder climate…I need a warm building and preferably a hospital. The forest path was easy enough to spot, regardless of the snow, and a bridge sat frozen on a pond. Vincent crossed the bridge, and exited the forest. A gradually sloping hill lie before me, I could barely walk, and I pictured myself tumbling down the hill and landing on the rocks below.
Vincent: "Let's just take it easy here."
Some kind soul had carved stairs into the hillside, so it wasn't terribly difficult to traverse of an ordinary person, but Vincent's muscles had atrophied a little, and it was like learning to walk all over again. Twice he slipped, but he continued on, determined to get somewhere safe. as he descended, the humidity increased, providing a better temperature. This was Vincent's drive. He would reach a better temperature, find an Inn, and do his own therapy to regain his lost muscle mass. Finally reaching the bottom, Vincent saw a tunnel, and on his right, there was a farm house. He walked up to the farm house, and seeing it was locked, he rang the door bell.
Grandpa: "Yes?"
Vincent: "I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, but I just woke up in the forest. I was wondering if you could help me out with some food, I have some money."
Grandpa: "No, times are hard all over."
Vincent: "Wait! Please! Ugh!"
I can't believe that old fart. He runs a farm, why wouldn't he have enough to spare? I even offered him money…Why didn't he accept?

______The only indication that there was a city nearby was a spire-top standing behind a hill with a tunnel in it. Upon entering the tunnel, he saw that it was a sort of checkpoint.
Guard: "29."
Vincent: "29?"
Guard: "You're the 29th person to enter this way, this month."
Vincent: "Neat, tell me, what's the date?"
Guard: "It's February the 12th. Welcome to Artagnan, Port hub of Iljoa."
That makes me 18. I had my birthday recently.
When he entered, he could see a shipyard opposite him, and a large, white road lay in canals between the elevated buildings. He followed the road to the left, coming across a wide plaza. at the end of the plaza was the city's Inn, and there Vincent entered.
Warmth immediately flooded my cold exterior, and I was happy just to be inside again.
Cici: "Welcome to The Gateway Inn, my name is Cici, how can I help you?"
Vincent: "I need a room, and a meal."
Cici: "The kitchen's closed, but I can get you some leftovers for a reduced price. How about…45 for the room, and 5 for the leftovers?"
Vincent: "I guess I can't be picky. Go ahead." Vincent handed her a hundred pokedollar bill, and she gave him back a fifty."
Cici: "Here's your key, and I'll be up with your food in a bit."
Vincent: "Thanks Cici."
Cici: "No problem, you just come get me if you need anything."
When I entered the room, I could see a vent coming from a fireplace on the first floor. I opened it, and enjoyed the rush of warm air that flooded the area. Vincent pulled off hard, armored boots and let his feet absorb the heat of the fire below. Vincent was just now realizing how strange he looked compared to the grandfather at the farm and Cici, the receptionist. What sort of person was I? Did I regularly spend time in the mountains? It seemed familiar enough, but I need to go to a hospital. I need to find out clues about my past. I don't even know where to start.
Cici: "Room service."
Vincent unlocked the door and she handed him the tray.
Vincent: "Goodnight."
Cici: "Goodnight."
The meal was a turkey pot-pie with a side of potatoes, stuffing, and spinach. A glass of iced was included, but there was entirely too much sugar in it. Regardless, it was filling, and Vincent felt the lethargy ensue. I should be getting to bed, I'll admit, I'm a little worried I won't wake up again, but at least I'm in a public place. I'm sure someone will take care of me. This thought was comforting to vincent, and he took off the various gear he had on him. There were two pouches, a utility belt empty of tools, a chevron of hard, light armor, a long sleeved coat, insulated against the cold, with a hood made of boiled leather slats. His pants had many pockets, and a set of knee-guards were sewn into the material. All were shed but his underwear, and he climbed into the bed to warm it with his body. He left his clothes to dry in front of the vent, and drifted to an uneasy sleep filled with images of an angry girl, and nightmares about being helpless and motionless.
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Last edited by AXELXu7; April 13th, 2013 at 12:45 AM.
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  #2    
Old April 14th, 2013, 03:52 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something...
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 19
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
An interesting story to say the least and I'm definitely going to check in often to see how the story develops further, but there are some things I would consider revising.

The story seems to switch between 1st and 3rd person a lot. In the beginning we are reading "I, me, my" and so the story starts out in first person, but once I read on to chapter 2 (I'm guessing the line means the start of a new chapter) it switches to "he and him". I think you should decide which way the story is going to continue, change it into the beginning, and write the rest of the story in that person.

The only other thing I would critique is the way you write out the characters' speech:

Quote:
Grandpa: "Yes?"
Vincent: "I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, but I just woke up in the forest. I was wondering if you could help me out with some food, I have some money."
Grandpa: "No, times are hard all over."
Vincent: "Wait! Please! Ugh!"
This type of speech is only used in play scripts where the script is telling the actor who says what where. The proper way to signify a character is speaking in a book is something along the lines like this:

"Yes?" an old man emerged from the doorway wearing a frown that probably never went away.
"I'm sorry to disturb you at this time, but I just woke up in the forest. I was wondering if you could help me out with a little bit of food, I have some money." Vincent replied pleading with the old man
"No, times are hard all over." The old man replied slamming the door in Vincent's face.
"Wait! Please! Ugh!" Vincent gave up and started walking down the driveway, "I can't believe that old fart. He runs a farm, why wouldn't he have enough to spare? I even offered him money…Why didn't he accept?"

Something along those lines should work. I'm not a perfect writer, I'm not even really that good, but I hoped I helped out and got everything correct. You've got a very good story shaping here and I'll be back to check on your progress.
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  #3    
Old April 16th, 2013, 05:55 AM
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AXELXu7
Kusari Ninja
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sorry, no.
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
This is a script. It will be a ROM hack if anyone reads it. Alas, I don't think it'll gain enough followers...
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  #4    
Old April 16th, 2013, 06:48 PM
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Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
I should warn you that this section is very low on vocal readers. If you're gauging interest from the amount of posted reviews your story gets, it's never really going to look good here on this forum.

If you want to see how interested people are in this as a ROM hack, see if there's some way to do that in the ROM hacking section. It's kind of difficult to see if people will be interested in your hack by posting a fanfiction based on it. For one thing, fanfiction has a different set of guidelines. Like you know how your first version of this you admitted was "half-assed"? That really doesn't help you gain readers because they can just tell it isn't your best work. And as you said in that thread, it's also the delivery here in this section. As Slayr and I said, you have an interesting story here, but the delivery of it in this section is kind of holding you back.

Honestly, if you want to turn this into a ROM hack, I say go ahead. I'd play it because the story is interesting, but the delivery for it as a fanfic is not helping it. But if you put it together into a decent ROM hack, that'll help it gain interested followers.

Whatever you do, AXELXu7, I wish you good luck on this project.
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Old April 17th, 2013, 12:11 AM
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AXELXu7
Kusari Ninja
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sorry, no.
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
This time around it is my best work. I try and gauge this based on how many people are viewing this thread at random checks throughout the day. But you're right, it woukd be more relevant in the rom hacks section. I just get a little intimidated over there. The problem is that new treads need to be approved, and even if it does get noticed, there's not often time before it's churned in a sea of other ideas. I know I shouldn't think this way, but if you try and convince me that it's worth it, I'll put my focus on it.
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  #6    
Old April 19th, 2013, 07:05 PM
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Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
If you are worried about the ROM hacking section, you can always ask DrFuji and giradialkia for any advice. They'd be willing to help you with any questions or hesitations you might have about posting in that section. I think even when you're ready to post a thread, you can have them check it over first so it fits the rules and can be approved.

Also, if you ever need any help at all for anything, you can always send a message my way. Even if you do post your thread and just want me to check it out, just send a message and I'll be there to offer support.

Don't be worried. You have a good idea here and people will like it.
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