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  #1    
Old September 23rd, 2013 (02:43 PM).
AlexGranit
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Gender: Male
Well, this is my first fanfiction, so don't judge me too hashly if it sucks. And also this is just the beginning of it. It did not just end there, i hope you enjoy it. Tell me if you do. because i'll work to make more of it if so. so yeah..






Prologue:
Rain poured onto the treetops of petalburg forest, the slakoth hid behind any dry spots the could find in the trees. The shroomish where going around munching on the composted soil despite the rainy weather. The poocheyana where hiding in nooks and crannies shivering because of their wet pelts, the seedot clung to their trees absorbing the water the trees are sucking in. And the taillow have all fled to find a dryer place to live temporarily. And then there was one lone lotad who had managed to somehow wander into the forest on accident. It walked around, trying to figure out how to find the exit of the place. But it kept looking backwards, it had the feeling something was following it. After a while the little lotad new that there was and quickened it’s pace into a slow jog. Then cried out in surprise “LOTAD”,some pokemon had used a cut attack on it. The lotad looked behind itself and saw the pokemon “Geng, Gangar!” it cried out to the lotad, used bubble beam in haste not realizing it barely did anything to the gengar, and ran away. It rushed through the forest, stumbling over some rocks, then he came upon a part of the forest where the trees where so dense you couldn’t possibly get through them. The lotad was cornered with the gengar closing on it, preparing to use a shadow ball attack. Lotad was confused for a little bit, wondering why the gengar was here and attacking him. But then the gengar released the shadow ball and the lotad braced itself. Suddenly a voice cried out “Go! Mudkip! Use water gun on the shadow ball” Lotad stood there shivering as the mudkip and its partner battled the gengar. After some water guns and shadow balls, the gengar disappeared into the shadows and the human came up to the lotad and asked “hey lotad, do you wanna join mudkip and i?” Lotad nodded excitedly and was caught in the pokeball. But he still feared of the wild gengar, that one day it would return, but worse. But that day has yet to come.
The bright beginning
Wake up dan! Happy birthday ! said a voice so familiar to me my eyes darted open, and I hugged the person with my vision still blurred, getting used to the bright morning light. “Seth! Your back !” I said looking up at my older brothers short brown hair, and dark blue eyes, just like mine. “How’s cyndaquil?” I said referring to the pokemon he got when he turned 16. The pokemon he travelled all across jhoto with, of course he probably cought more pokemon. But this was a family tradition. My other brother, Parker also got a turtwig when he turned 16, but he went to the Sinnoh, not the Jhoto. And now that I’m turning 16 I’m getting my first pokemon and have decided to travel across the Hoenn region, which is where I’m living in right now, I don’t, i just want to know what’s beyond the tall grass of Littleroot town. Of course I’m going to miss the pokemon at home. Especially mudkip, lotad, and gligar. They’re just my parents pokemon, but I’ve grown to love them. We go outside every day and play with eachother. It was always a good time. “Well, he’s not a cyndaquill anymore” Seth said proud of his pokemon “Wha, cyndaquill evolved?” I asked in awe. “Quillava” said a sort of familiar voice as well. I looked at the base of my bed and saw Cynda- oh right I forgot, I saw quilava lying down, along with mudkip, lotad, and Gligar, I noticed how he now had two flames on its back. I petted it, not the flames, his back…. Well you know what I was talking about. “What about parker is he here?” I ask realizing Parker wasn’t there with his turtwig, or grotle. Maybe it’s even a tortera now, I don’t know, It has been 2 years since I saw him last.” Yeah he’s down stairs with grotle and the snowrunt he caught” well, this was turning out to be an excellent 16th birth day for me my brothers came home. But then I frown realizing todays the day I leave my buddies at home and go on my own journey. I sigh. But cheer back up realizing the time hasn’t come yet to leave and Parker and Seth had come all this way to the smile on my face when I get my first Pokémon. So I rush down the hall then downstairs and see those familiar leaf green eyes and bright blond hair. Along with his grotle and a snowrunt, grotle smiles happily remembering me. Mom, Dad and Parker are sitting on the couch chatting about their journeys. When he sees me my smile goes a mile wide. “It’s been too quiet in the house without you” I say giving him a big hug as well, and petting the snowrunt and grottle. “happy 16th to you Dan” Parker said, Parker was always a formal guy, preferring to try and talk things out between seth and I whenever we fought. “Happy birth day Danny” my parents said in unison. That’s what they call me, Danny, even though they know I prefer Dan. My dad’s mudkip, gligar, lotad, and dusox where sitting beside him, well actually gligar and Dustox where resting at the arms of the couch. “Well, now that we’re all gathered here, I’d like to give Dan his birthday presents” My dad said as formally as Parker does, that must be where he got it from. “first, a box for pokemon food, with food inside” He said giving me a clear box the size of a lunch box with a pokeball on the lid. I take it gratefully and say “thank you” My dad nods smileing. I stare into mudkips eyes for a second, and I can tell that it, along with all the other pokemon, know that this will be the last day they see me. I can’t help but feel a little bit sad. But I’m not too far away from them. Maybe I could visit them every now and again. “Yeah, that’s what’ll happen” I think. Then my dad interrupts my train of thought and says “And some items to start you off with” there was a bag to hold my stuff, some various berries, I can only remember the lum berry and oran berry, 5 pokeballs, a pokedex, and a pokenav “wow a pokedex and a pokedex? That must have cost you a fortune! thank you so much !” I say putting the stuff into the pockets of my bag. “And now for the last present, now this is very special, and not the same has what once happened with your two brothers” He said trying to keep a straight face. I look at my brothers Seth is smiling at me, he must know something about this, and Parker is feeding Grotle and Snow runt. Barely even paying attention to what’s happening. “I know present you with your 3 new pokemon” he says giving me 3 pokeballs. I take them confused 3 ? why would I get 3 pokemon ? it made no sense to me. But then it all came together in my mind and I just couldn’t stop myself from having a 4 mile wide smile. My dad said “Mudkip, lotad, gligar, I’d like you to meet your new trainer” Dad looks almost as happy as me. I guess it’s just one of those if you’re happy I am, which clearly I was. Gligar, mudkip, and loatad jump off the couch and go up to me. I lean down “Do you guys want to come along on my journey ?” I ask them. They respond in a series of kip mudkip!, lotad lotad !, and gar gar gligar ! s . “I’ll take that as a yes !” I say petting my brand new pokemon happy as a kid in a candy shop. But the day only went downhill from there.
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  #2    
Old September 25th, 2013 (11:06 AM).
adventure's Avatar
adventure
e v e r y s t o r y
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Skaia
Gender: Female
Nature: Naive
Quote originally posted by AlexGranit:
Well, this is my first fanfiction, so don't judge me too hashly if it sucks. And also this is just the beginning of it. It did not just end there, i hope you enjoy it. Tell me if you do. because i'll work to make more of it if so. so yeah..
I hope you know then, that all I'm saying, I say so that you can improve ;)

First off, are you typing this chapter up directly in the web browser, or in a document on the computer? It is a bit strange that you have all the text in one, huge paragraph. Well, two if you count where you make new rows to distinguish the prologue from what I assume is the first chapter.

Split your story up in paragraphs. Lots of them. It makes the whole thing much easier to read and understand. Rather than a wall of text, you give the eyes a chance to rest between dialogue or events in the story. Try something like this:

Quote originally posted by AlexGranit:
Rain poured onto the treetops of petalburg forest, the slakoth hid behind any dry spots the could find in the trees. The shroomish where going around munching on the composted soil despite the rainy weather. The poocheyana where hiding in nooks and crannies shivering because of their wet pelts, the seedot clung to their trees absorbing the water the trees are sucking in. And the taillow have all fled to find a dryer place to live temporarily.

And then there was one lone lotad who had managed to somehow wander into the forest on accident. It walked around, trying to figure out how to find the exit of the place. But it kept looking backwards, it had the feeling something was following it.

After a while the little lotad new that there was and quickened it’s pace into a slow jog. Then it cried out in surprise.

“LOTAD!"

Some pokemon had used a cut attack on it. The lotad looked behind itself and saw the pokemon.

“Geng, Gangar!” it cried out to the lotad, who used bubble beam in haste not realizing it barely did anything to the gengar, and ran away.
This is much more pleasant to read. I also changed a few words here and there, just because it wouldn't have been understandable otherwise...

See, there are also some troubles with your grammar and spelling. Try to always read through a chapter once or twice after you believe that you have finished typing it up. More often than not, you'll catch some strangely worded sentence that you would want to edit, or some spelling mistake you didn't see when you were in the heat of typing.

When writing about battling and pokémon using attacks, you are of course free to do it your way. But I think it's more exciting to read if you actually describe what the attacks look like and how the pokémon hit by them react. You don't have to do it in careful detail, but something more than just "After some water guns and shadow balls". Know what I mean?

Also, the capture of Lotad was a bit brief. Did he join the human so willingly because he was afraid that Gengar would find him again? Why did the human ask him to join rather than battle him, as trainers most often do with wild pokémon? Maybe it was because he just saved Lotad from Gengar and took pity on it? This is a bit too unclear and, well, brief in your story, imo.

Try to use some spacing between chapters. Just like with paragraphs - make it clear what is what! A new chapter? Maybe bold the title of it or something, so that the reader understands beyond doubt that the new chapter starts there. Or call it "chapter 1" or something. Not a must, but it definitely helps.

Also, you suddenly switched perspective from third person to first person between the chapters. This might be a mistake, or just a chosen style of yours.

Try to put new dialogue on a new line, as a standard rule :) Imo there are ways to do this differently while still keeping it neat, but for starters, it's a good rule. Like:

Quote originally posted by AlexGranit:
“Well, he’s not a cyndaquill anymore” Seth said proud of his pokemon

“Wha, cyndaquill evolved?” I asked in awe.

“Quillava” said a sort of familiar voice as well.

I looked at the base of my bed and saw Cynda- oh right I forgot, I saw quilava lying down, along with mudkip, lotad, and Gligar, I noticed how he now had two flames on its back. I petted it, not the flames, his back…. Well you know what I was talking about.

“What about parker is he here?” I ask realizing Parker wasn’t there with his turtwig, or grotle.

I also don't completely understand the correlation between the prologue and the first chapter. Is it about the same Lotad? So the trainer with the Mudkip in the prologue is really Dan's father? Maybe you meant for this to be mysterious :)

In any case, it was a nice, different beginning to a trainer story. 3 pokémon instead of just one! And also, pretty cool and unusual pokémon you chose to begin with, Gligar and Lotad. I hope you take my advice to heart (especially about paragraphs and proof-reading) and continue the story on soon!
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