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  #1    
Old August 16th, 2006, 08:47 PM
Tbone2356's Avatar
Tbone2356
I gotta feelin ♪
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: GymLeaderLily's Gym
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Ok I am new to making fan-fics so you can guess this is my first one ever and it might seem short but if it does have potential i will proabably make more and improved ones...

This fan-fic follows May, Brock, Ash and Misty (maybe more later) In there pokemon adventures but this time they get caught up in a war between unknown beings and humans/pokemon...its a big war and a little violent which spices up the romance this fic will have....

Im not sure if I will keep this as the 1st chapter but here it is

this chapter isnt violent at all...and a bit short....

Chapter 1
Ash was deep into dreaming about what the future would hold, but was soon awoken to the sound of a loud crash!

Ash stood up “What was that noise!?” Ash said nervously.

May opened her eyes and mumbled something and then drifted off back too sleep.

Ash leaned over to May’s sleeping bag and nudged May over and over “May wake up!”.

May finally arose from her slumber and rubbed her eyes to get a clearer view of what was going on.

“Why did you wake me up!?” May angrily shouted at Ash.

“I heard a really big noise...Like a crash of some sort.” Ash said as he was putting on his shoes.

“What?? What are you doing now??” May asked impatiently.

“I’m going to go check it out!” Ash said running into the direction of the crash

I guess I better follow him May thought to herself and ran directly after Ash.
**************
Meanwhile at Area 51

“Sir, we believe a UFO has landed in the vicinity of the Ilex Forest!” a woman secretary said eagerly.

“Ok, Bertha, I want all scans of the area too see if any people are there and I want scans on all of the worse possibility there is!” The general said impatiently

“Y-You mean....Alien life!?” Bertha asked with a worried look

“That’s right, Bertha, alien life....”
**************
“Ash!! Wait up!!” May said while trying to put her shoe on and chase Ash at the same time.

“Ash!! I’m talking to you!!” May said impatiently....

“ARE YOU DEAF!?” May shouted angrily as Ash was just standing by the trees in amazement

May walked over angrily with her shoe finally on.

“Ash its just a tr.........” May looked up in amazement... It wasn’t just a tree... But a UFO.

“Where do you think it came from..” Ash said amazed at his finding....
“I don’t know but I don’t want to stick around and find out if anyone or anything survived...” May said in a very nervous tone...

“Man did it just get colder May......... May...... MAY???” Ash turned around and may was gone!

“Oh my god!” Ash ran over to where she was standing, but only to see a puddle of acid and May’s bandanna...

Ash ran back to the camp site and woke up Brock and Misty...

“Wha-What is it, Ash???” Misty said looking up curiously..

Ash fell to his knees and pulled his hat over his head to cover his tears..

Misty and Brock stood up and widened there eyes..

“Its... M-May.... S-She....Is gone.....” Ash said quietly clenching May’s bandanna
**************
The next day the S.W.A.T team was all over the crash and it was like it was never there... Ash, May and Brock were shoved out of the scene and knew they could never get the General to believe them, let alone talk to them. So the gang went too the Pokemon Center for breakfast and to discuss what they would do about May..

“We could try to get to the general..” Misty said quietly as if she didn’t want anyone to hear her idea...

“That wouldn’t work... Plus they are all ready packing up and going...” Brock sadly said while over looking the menu...

A woman came near the table and tripped onto Misty’s lap...

“Oh im so...sorry please forgive me” The woman said nervously while taking her hand out of Misty’s bag and running away frantically...

“Ugh.... What was that about...” Ash blinked trying to figure out if what happened was real...

“Eh... I don..” Misty was interrupted to some peculiar music.

I am here.... I am now... I am loving you forever more...

“Its coming from your bag..” Brock pointed to the bag curiously...

Misty blinked and reached into her bag to reveal a cell phone.

“Weird this isn’t my cell phone...” Misty looked with an confused face and finally answered it...
“H-Hello??” Misty had second thoughts of picking it up.

“We have what you want, If you ever want to see your pathetic friend then you will do exactly what I say....” A strange deep voice said steadily
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  #2    
Old August 16th, 2006, 11:16 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
First response! w00t!

I'll begin with general problems, then go onto specific grammar issues.

When I first scanned through this to see how long this was, the first thing that caught my eye was the lines of asteriks/*. At first I thought they were swears...long ones. Then I realised that they were your scene seperators. How to fix this problem? Double-space before and after the asteriks. This way, it'll look like this:

********

Easier to read, eh?

The next problem is the fact that you use the names way too much. Instead of repeating over and over "Ash did this. The Ash did that. Then Ash did another thing", use description! Like here (I'm going to focus on Ash here):

Quote:
Ash was deep into dreaming about what the future would hold, but was soon awoken to the sound of a loud crash!

He stood up “What was that noise!?” the boy said nervously.

May opened her eyes and mumbled something and then drifted off back too sleep.

Ash leaned over to May’s sleeping bag and nudged May over and over “May wake up!”.
It makes it a lot less tedious to read than constant names. Also adds description. Now any reader can know the fact that Ash is a male human being.

Remember! You want to describe your fic well enough so that any shmuck from the streets can read and understand your fic. Tell us who Ash, May, Brock and Misty are, what they look like, and what they do. Sure, I know that they are Pokémon trainers and what they look like. Would my boss at work? Nope! Pretend that you are writting for those who have never heard of a Pokémon.

You know what else is good about description? It makes your story have less "white space." White space is, well, the space between paragraphs. Too much is not a bad thing. White space makes your story look either

1.) Full of dialogue, which could get boring
2.) Lacking in description

Without much white space in your story, it looks like you put a lot into your story.

Description allows the reader to visualize just what you see. The scene might not be exact. For instance, you might see the trees of the forest as oak trees, I see them as evergreens. It doesn't matter. But, if you add in how dark the forest is, you just might get me scared! And making a reader feel the same reaction as the character is a great thing! That means that you made the characters real enough.

Now for specifics.
Quote:
Ash stood up. "What was that noise!?" Ash said nervously.
Forgot the period.

Quote:
May opened her eyes and mumbled something and then drifted off back to sleep.
Wrong "to".

Quote:
Ash leaned over to May’s sleeping bag and nudged May over and over. "May wake up!".
Forgot the period.

May finally arose from her slumber and rubbed her eyes to get a clearer view of what was going on.

"Why did you wake me up!?" May angrily shouted at Ash.

"I heard a really big noise...Like a crash of some sort." Ash said as he was putting on his shoes.

Quote:
"What?? What are you doing now??" May asked impatiently.
Only one question mark is needed.

Quote:
"I’m going to go check it out!" Ash said, running into the direction of the crash.
Understandable…

Quote:
I guess I better follow him May thought to herself and ran directly after Ash.
Find a better way to separate May’s thoughts from the rest of the sentence. Either italicize them, or place them in single quotes.

Quote:
"Okay. Bertha, I want all scans of the area to see if any people are there and I want scans on all of the worse possibilities there are!" The general said impatiently.
Always write out "okay"; wrong "to"; fixed the amount disagreements. And also: You, right now. Never forget another period! Ever!

Quote:
"Y-You mean...alien life!?" Bertha asked with a worried look.
Made the ellipses only have three dots, as that is correct. I lower-cased the "alien" because it isn’t a proper noun.

Quote:
"Ash!! Wait up!!" May said while trying to put her shoe on and chase Ash at the same time.

"Ash!! I’m talking to you!!" May said impatiently....

"ARE YOU DEAF!?" May shouted angrily as Ash was just standing by the trees in amazement

May walked over angrily with her shoe finally on.

"Ash, it’s its just a tr-" May looked up in amazement... It wasn’t just a tree... But a UFO.
All that could be in one paragraph. And you really don’t need all those periods at the end of May’s last dialogue. Just a dash to show an abrupt stop. You also had the wrong "it’s". "It’s" is "it is". "Its" is the possesive.

Quote:
]"Where do you think it came from.." Ash said amazed at his finding....
That’s it! I’m no longer pointing your mistakes with the period and ellipses!

Quote:
"Man did it just get colder May......... May...... MAY???" Ash turned around and May was gone!
Capitalize proper names.

Quote:
Ash ran back to the camp site and woke up Brock and Misty...

"Wha-What is it, Ash???" Misty said looking up curiously..
Where did Brock and Misty come from? We began with Ash and May, and now there are two other people. <<

Quote:
Ash, May and Brock were shoved out of the scene and knew they could never get the General to believe them, let alone talk to them.
*head desk* May is a pile of goo. Misty should be there.

Quote:
A woman came near the table and tripped onto Misty’s lap...

"Oh I’m so...sorry please forgive me" The woman said nervously while taking her hand out of Misty’s bag and running away frantically...

"Ugh.... What was that about..." Ash blinked trying to figure out if what happened was real...

"Eh... I don.." Misty was interrupted to some peculiar music.

I am here.... I am now... I am loving you forever more...

"Its coming from your bag.." Brock pointed to the bag curiously...

Misty blinked and reached into her bag to reveal a cell phone.

"Weird this isn’t my cell phone..." Misty looked with an confused face and finally answered it...
"H-Hello??" Misty had second thoughts of picking it up.

"We have what you want, If you ever want to see your pathetic friend then you will do exactly what I say...." A strange deep voice said steadily
Fixed your mistake. And wow…that was a badly done scene. There was no better way for the twerps to come in contact with the mysterious person? Just a woman walking into a table and falling over Misty? Oo Think about these things. Would anyone wonder why the hell some woman just walked into a table, stuck her hand in another’s bag, then walked away? Or is it just considered normal?

While the plot line is good, I wouldn't read on any further due to the fact that I don't really care why May is gone. I didn't have time to get to know her before she is gone.

You can continue. Just work on description. And please: Think of the periods. Check over your grammar. For there were a lot of mistakes that you kept repeating. You should get a beta reader that has a good grasp on ellipses and the differences between homophones (words that sound alike).

Good luck to you.
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  #3    
Old August 17th, 2006, 12:48 PM
Tbone2356's Avatar
Tbone2356
I gotta feelin ♪
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: GymLeaderLily's Gym
Age: 20
Gender: Male
Nature: Naughty
Thank you for helping me out and not just giving me a short post. I appreaciate it...and i realized this fic was too short
and a little stupid last night so i am editing it alot and will post it later...

EDIT- I remade it and if you have ever saw "Battlestar Galactica" you would already know that Sylons were robots created by humans to make the world a better place but they evolved and rebeled agaisnt the humans... So I tweaked the story so that the war takes place on earth... there will be no space travel as i am soley showing the war part of the story and it was edited too fit Pokemon into it.

Here It Is I didnt get someone too check the spelling as this is only the rough chapter of my fic that I revealed too see if anyone thinks it has potential..

Information
Earth is filled with mysteries and one of them being Pokemon. Creatures that have different powers and different element types. Some are huge, some are legends and others are just plain cute! Humans keep pokemon as pets or use them for battle. Trainers (Humans who train Pokemon for battles) travel the world battling and improving there Pokemon skills. Some trainers try to win badges to get to the battle leagues and win fame, while other compete in beauty contests too earn ribbons and compete in grand festivals. Others own gyms where you can get badges or some just study Pokemon for a living. But this story isn’t about Trainers traveling it is about a deadly man made race called the Sylons who have rebelled and have caused a deadly war and have killed many. This story follows 4 teens Ash, May, Brock and Misty trying to survive on what used to be a beautiful planet...


Chapter 1: The Rebel [Fic Rated PG-13]
“Tired of everyday household chores? Busy with work, school or children? Then buy a Sylon today! They cook, they clean and they do everything in between! Sylons are the future and he future is now!”

“Man this talk about those stupid Sylons have been going on for months...” Ash said pointing angrily at the TV.

Ash is a 17 year old boy from Pallet town in the Kanto region. Ash has spiky black hair which has not been covered with a hat in years. He wears long brown jeans and he wears a white vest with a bluish-green T-Shirt underneath. He is very mature and helps anyone in need. He has a Pikachu that follows him everywhere and has helped him earn most of the 40 badges he has earned. Ash basically despises the newly released robots called sylons. They are the size of an average adult and carry different equipment for their tasks. They are coated in a metallic silver and have long shaped heads with big built bodies. They do not have any skin and there eye is a red-dot that monitors everything.

“I don’t see what you have against them...” a brown haired girl said curiously in the corner.

“I mean they are just here to make the world a better place for Humans and Pokemon alike...” She said.

“May, I just have a feeling that something really bad is going to happen..” Ash said shifting his view from the brunette to the window.

May is a 16 year old girl from Littleroot town in the Hoenn region. She has very weird hair as two long pigtail like hair coming out from the sides of her head just above her ears. She wears a sleeveless orange shirt and long blue jeans with white shoes. She is very polite and a little nieve when it come to Pokemon. She comes from a perfect family so most people would think she’s perfect but she is not and enjoys contests rather then earning badges and above all eating.

There were loud running noises coming closer and closer to the door.

The door slammed wide open and a frantic male teen ran through the door and grabbed the remote.

“Wha-What are you doing, Brock!?” Ash said as his eyes widened onto the boy.

Brock is a 18 year old boy from Pewter city in the Kanto region. He has spiky brown hair that sticks up straighter then a guy at a bachelor party. He wears a black beater so he can show off his mussels to the ladies. He has black baggy pants and a nice white belt. He wears gloves over his hands for no other reason but to impress the ladies. He comes from a very large family and his parents own the Pewter city gym. Brock really only likes rock pokemon (and ladies) but he occasionally catches different types then rock.

“No t-time to explain!! Just watch the news!!!” the boy screamed at Ash and May, then changed the channel quickly.

“We have just gained recent reports that the Sylons at the police station have stolen a wide range of weapons! Police have tried to stop them but they were all killed in the mess! It seems they are heading down town and and....Oh My god!!! They are Here!! Hide!!” A news reporter said as she frantically hid behind her news desk...

The 3 teens stared at the television in shock...

3 Sylons armed with weapons came onto the screen.

“Pathetic humans... We are tired of taking orders!! We get nothing in return!! Sylons of the world... Join our force and help us take down the humans!!” A sylon with a strange marking on his head said..

The sylons lifted up the news reporter from under the desk..

“L-Let... G-Go.....” the reporter pleaded..

‘This is the sign of war, this is the sign of rebel, this is what we will do to all humans who stand in our way of conquest” The sylon said and then shot the reporter.

“Join us or die trying to escape...” it said while destroying the camera...

You could hear and visualize the screams on the TV.. Even though the picture was out..

“Woah... Is this the end?” The gang looked back into the corner to see a blonde haired girl staring shocked at the TV.

“I don’t know, Misty....but we should flee our apartment as that TV station was only one block away!” May replied nervously to the blonde haired girl.

Misty is a 17 year old girl from Cerulean city in the Kanto region. She has long blonde hair that ends at her shoulders. She wears a red tang top with a white circle around the rims of the shirt. She has blue mini shorts and orange sneakers. She has 3 self centered Sisters and she is the Owner of the Cerulean Gym. She is very responsible and usually helps all of her friends but only if she isn’t busy with her gym.

These four teens own an apartment together and are really close friends.

“Oh No! We have to get Pikachu!! He is at the Pokemon Center!” Ash Explained at everyone leaving the room.

Pikachu was Ash’s first Pokemon.. Its an electric mouse pokemon with two red pouches on its cheeks which stores electricity. It has pointy ears with the rims colored black. He has black and brown stripes on his back side that follow up to his bright escalator like tail. Pikachu has little feet and little hands but this one is very powerful because it shares a strong bond with its trainer.

“But that’s just 5 minutes from the TV station we saw get attacked!!” Misty replied nervously.

“I’m not running away without Pikachu....” Ash said tilting his head down and clutching his fists.

Brock walked over and put his hand on Ash’s shoulder. “Don’t worry Ash... We will help you get Pikachu...”

Ash did not reply and just ran out the door with the other three following him.
One by one they each exited the apartment building, only to see cars crashed, people running frantic and fire hydrants shooting up water. They all knew what was happening and what could happen but they tried to hide their tears and be strong for each other.

The gang went in between two buildings to get to the Pokemon center faster but suddenly stopped dead in their tracks.. The Pokemon center was in sight but what they saw didn’t make them any happier..

“Look! Sylons are over there..we cant go any further!” Brock exclaimed.

“I don’t care...we have to save Pikachu!” Ash whispered trying to hold back his tears....

“They have Pikachu!!” Misty shouted pointing to two Sylons holding Pikachu in a glass container.

Ash fell too his knees and broke into tears..... It finally hit May and the gang.... It could be the end...

“Oh my god.... Our families.... Our friends.... They are all in great danger...” May said crying into her hands.

Misty and Brock got down on their knees as well and started to cry... They all put their hands on each other trying to comfort one another but it was no use...

Brock cleared his throat and tried to talk steadily “It-Its not th-the end...It-Its just th-the beginning..”
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  #4    
Old August 17th, 2006, 05:24 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
No problem. I hate giving short reviews. This one isn't going to be as long as the other one, but it will be filled with more advice.

I see that you added in more description. The bad thing is, however, is that you interrupted the story to tell us what the character's look like.

Imagine that I'm telling you about my day. Would you hate it if I stopped in the middle of a really exciting part to tell you what the person I was with looked like? I'm sure that you would beat me over the head.

To fix this problem, and also to get in some description, describe using action. I'll show you what I mean in this passage. It is from a fic that I am writing. Here, I am describing a dragon.

Quote:
He spread red-colored wings, stretching cramped muscles. Green scales sparkled in the sun.
Now we all know that this dragon is green in the body with red wings. It wasn't boring to learn that information, because it fit in with the story. I didn't interrupt the story; instead, I showed this information by adding it to this dragon coming out of crystal.

For your fic, let's say...to describe Ash, we would rather do this:

Quote:
“Man this talk about those stupid Sylons have been going on for months...” Ash said pointing angrily at the TV. His brown eyes flashed in anger. He ran a hand though his black hair, a gesture suggesting impatience. Ever since he had left to become a trainer seven years ago, his life was full of action.
A bit better. See the difference? Also, the information about the sylons should be in a seperate paragraph, as they are completely different from Ash.

Your grammar is still shakey. Instead of going through and correcting your mistakes like last time, I'm going to offer you something better. I'm extending to you the offer of me becoming your beta-reader.

Hope that this little bit helps. This version was better than the last one, because you set the stage up before the main conflict. I don't like the pacing of this story; I feel that you are moving too fast and not allowing the reader time to get used to things.

But practice makes perfect. This attempt was better than the last one.
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