• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.

[Pokémon] Through the Scope

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
He had on a rough cloth shirt and pants, both dyed a patchwork of greens and browns. They were woven from scavenged mareep wool, making them waterproof and shock resistant. He wore a matching set of gloves, and he had spare cloth wrapped around his feet, which was tied into a knot over his Achilles heel. He also had a rough knapsack behind his back, tied across his waist with twine, and a belt knife, hilt sewn into the pants (missing period there)

I do like the description here as you're establishing Keith as a Pokemon hunter and that he'll be targeting some Pikachu (poor them later on :< ).

He looked closer, and he could make out brown-tipped ears, meandering through the brush. As he watched, two more ears joined the first pair, followed by more. Brown-tipped jagged tails emerged from the grass, releasing a shower of sparks each time they touched.

Brown tipped sounds a bit repetitive here even though you described the ears and then the tail. I think you can take the second "brown" out as a jagged tail seemed to catch more attention, no matter the color.

One thing I highly recommend is to space out your paragraphs for easier reading. A couple people mentioned that on your first fanfic and you were able to do some of that on your second story. If you write your fanfics on a writing program like Google Docs or Word I can understand you can do indents and other formats, but when posting in forums it doesn't have the same features. But yeah, something to consider!

Other than that, I like the set up you have going on here. I don't read too much fanfics on Pokemon hunters, but that kind of premise is always interesting. There seems to be not too much plot going around now, though I understand this is for the flash fic challenge. I do believe this idea has lot of potential and different directions you can take it, so if you decide to continue this I'll keep an eye on it!
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
I'm already liking the setting you have here. The mentions of Pokemon on the walls gives a good picture the village rely on hunting quite a bit.

Heh the keeper is right over the mayor being angry for Keith leaving. I too wonder why he isn't going to teach another person, though that'll probably be revealed soon. I'm still curious over how his next hunt will be. I still think this is a cool premise, looking forward to more!
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
He was picking at his teeth with a skarmory feather that glinted in the moonlight.

Hm, I wonder how someone would pluck the feathers from a skarmory considering they're part steel, lol.

The feast scene sure made me hungry, haha.

I thought the scene with Hanek and Keith was bittersweet. Feel sorry for him when he mentioned about getting older. Nolan's name has come up a few times, makes me wonder if we'll hear more about him soon.

This is more a calm before the storm chapter but I still like it. Great work!
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Finally caught up!

Ch 3 and 4
The part where Keith observed the Charizard for a while I like a lot. Interesting how the female Charizard took care of the male one for a bit before he died. Keith's last lines at end of Ch 3 was pretty good too.

I thought it was cute the Rattata was following Keith after he feed it and I chuckled over his reaction after the Pokemon evolved. A little sad the Raticate won't be around anymore, although the concept of "new bodies" sounds pretty fascinating and I want to know more about it.

Ch 5 and 6
Pretty interesting revelation Keith's assassin is a Grovyle. I like the detail on how killed the Grovyle's mother and that he didn't deny his profession as a hunter.

The concept of humans and Pokemon living together reminds me a bit of the folklore from the Diamond/Pearl/Platinum games, which I assume where you got some of the inspiration? Either way though, that got me very curious how this will unfold. Ty'mir forcing him to speak the same language as the Pokemon got me suspicious that something's up. Keith and Vera staying together for a bit could lead to interesting interactions.

Ch 7 and 8

"For what?" The apothecary chuckled and said (missing comma) "grudges are for the young and reckless. I'm just grateful you got my granddaughter home. You hardly even put a scratch on her. I'd like to know how you did it, so I don't have to break another one of my canes."

Keith turned from the hearth and said (missing comma) "I'm going to untie the restraints. After that, you have two options. Option A, you try to kill me right now, and considering your injuries and the fact you haven't eaten in two days, well, it won't end well." He picked up a rock sitting next to him to emphasize his point.

"Option B, you eat, regain your strength, and wait for a better chance to kill me (missing comma)" Keith finished as he poured the soup into two wooden bowls.

"Something always happens to me when I listen to you (missing comma)" Verra answered, nodding towards the sheets she was trapped in.

Verra sipped up the broth and spat it in his face. He wiped himself off with his shirt and said (missing comma) "you won't kill me that way, so you might as well eat."

Missing commas there. I noticed for most of those when you have He then replied, "etc." you forgot the comma. I saw a few more, but I won't pinpoint all of them. I think part of it has to do you've been posting the last few chapters at a few pace and not letting it at least stew over a couple days so that you can edit later.

Onto the chapters themselves, Vera's grandmother already seems like a fun character. The part where Lin mentions not remembering her daughter's face I felt pretty bad for her.

Not surprising Vera tried another assassination attempt at Keith, though him using Izzo was some creative quick thinking, I have to say. Their little hunting trip next chapter was a fun read too and nice glimpse at Keith's apparent fear of drowning. While understandable Vera still won't forget what he did to her mother, it's good she apologized for her earlier behavior during their short outing.

I'll admit going from the scene with Keith finding someplace where a Pokemon/human (?) can transform to a place where humans and Pokemon coexist is somewhat of a strange jump to me, although I think I have an idea of the connection now...maybe. I still enjoy reading this a lot though and looking forward to what happens next!
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
"Has anyone seen Izzo?" Keith asked them.

Izzo? Wasn't he here a moment ago? He couldn't have gone far! Quickly, let's find him!

Real quick, the bolded part was it Keith's thoughts or someone else speaking? If the latter,quotation marks are missing. If the former, I think the narrative would flow better if the bolded part came before Keith asked where was Izzo.

Spoilers again incase.

Spoiler:
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Ch 10
The beginning part with Ty'mir and Keith giving reasons as to why neither of them are fit to lead the town is a good way to show off their clashing personalities. And yeah, Keith is right that Ty'mir should groom his daughter to be the leader instead of him. Should be interesting though how he'll handle organizing the defenses.

I thought the last couple scenes between Keith and Vera are some nice moments, even if the hug was awkward for them. :p Also I thought you handle Keith's emotions concerning Izzo's death well.

Ch 11
Spoiler:


Things are progressing nicely there, looking forward to what happens next!
 

diamondpearl876

you can breathe now. x
1,584
Posts
16
Years
  • Age 31
  • Seen Jan 25, 2022
Keith's world narrowed down to a criss-cross of black lines, notched with smaller lines for reference points. His brown hair was kept just long enough to sway in the breeze, and his eyes, bleached a pale green from staring so long through refractive lenses, blinked so infrequently that people called him 'snake'. He had a permanent ring around his right eye, caused when a tauros rammed straight into his rifle.

I'm not sure if I know what the first sentence is trying to say. First sentences are always hard though, and it did make me want to go on to figure out just what it meant. The bits about his eyes are interesting character quirks.

He had on a rough cloth shirt and pants, both dyed a patchwork of greens and browns. They were woven from scavenged mareep wool, making them waterproof and shock resistant. He wore a matching set of gloves, and he had spare cloth wrapped around his feet, which was tied into a knot over his Achilles heel. He also had a rough knapsack behind his back, tied across his waist with twine, and a belt knife, hilt sewn into the pants.

Ah, now I think I get the first line - might want to rework it regardless, though. At any rate, I can't say I've read a good character description like this in quite a while, so kudos on that.

Even though he could feel drops of blood soaking into the fabric of his shirt, he didn't move.

Dedicated and focused, isn't he?

and he could make out brown-tipped ears, meandering through the brush.

That comma there makes the reader pause unnecessarily, in my opinion - without it, the sentence might flow better

A few of the red berries pop,

"popped"

A few of the red berries pop, spraying a shower of seeds onto the field that Keith could only see because the grass was so green, the seeds so dark, and the sun so bright that every detail was kept in sharp contrast.

Just from reading what I've read so far, I think you can do better than "grass is green" and "sun is bright" - unless, of course, you meant to be plain in what you wrote

Keith felt a surge of electricity through the gloves that caused his hands to go numb.

I was under the impression that the gloves, too, were shock resistant

Everyone bathed daily, but there lingered a faint scent of sweat and the barest hint of dirt on each person that couldn't be scrubbed out with coarse cloths, crude lye soap, and river water.

Interesting bit of description there. I like it

"Good evenin', snake.

Even if it is a nickname, you should probably capitalize "snake" to ward off any confusion

As Keith walked out of the lodge, Hanek shook his said and said, "the mayor's gonna be furious."

For some reason, Keith already strikes me as the type who just doesn't care, and keeps to himself, doing what he wants along the way

The conversation at the end of chapter 1 was very telling of a lot of things, but I wonder if it would have been made better with some descriptor/actions in between

Anddd now it's 4am and I will stop here for now - will post again with more thoughts when I read again
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
"Well, yes, but it isn't that easy. Ah, to hell with it, I'll be blunt. Are you familiar with the concept of going into heat?"

"Yes? Where is this going?"

"Verra's going to go into heat soon, probably within the next month. It will be her first time, so she may not realize what's happening until it is too late." Lin rummaged around her boxes and pulled out a cloth-wrapped bottle. "If you notice her acting strangely – especially if her headleaf sticks up – give her a bit of this. It'll help her sleep it off."

"Why me? Why not have Kendra, or someone else do it?"

"Kendra wouldn't allow her to go if she knew, and the others won't be around her enough. So, do you promise me you'll help her?"
That's some request there, haha.

"You're right," she said, "you're not psychic. Father thinks this is because he reconstructed your arm, and the lingering traces of energy allowed the amulet's energy to flow through you. And since that could make your arm explode, I won't ask you to do it again."

"Oh, alright." But a shadow of doubt lingered in his mind. The theory didn't explain how the energy moved through his whole body, nor how he could hear the amulet. He debated pressing the issue and decided to stay silent.
That explains how Keith got "psychic" powers, or at least part of it. I also remember Ty'mir mentioned he got his scars from healing Keith's arm.

Good to hear Nolan being mentioned. Started to get worried he forgot about him, though I admit I forgot about him too. Looking forward to next chapter!
 

diamondpearl876

you can breathe now. x
1,584
Posts
16
Years
  • Age 31
  • Seen Jan 25, 2022
Ok, off of vacation and I can review chapter 2 for you

Keith always hated the northern hunting grounds. Unlike the east, with its high cliffs and wide, grassy expanses, the northern plains were small and surrounded by dense forests. It left Keith standing out in the open, vulnerable to anything that charged at him.

A herd of tauros were grazing at the other end of the clearing. Their tails lazily flicked away insects as they munched on the long, verdant grass, and their horns gleamed in the sunlight like ivory spears.

There's not much of a transition between these two paragraphs. The first seems like it could give some insight into Keith's character, but it's rushed over to get straight to the "action". Nice description with what you have, though.

The fourth slammed into the villagers' spears, impaling itself on the fire-hardened tips. The villagers were thrown back with the force of the impact, but they all stood up without injuries.

How likely is it for the tauros to simply run into the spear without the villager having to attack in any specific way?

"Five! The snake got four by himself!"

"Damn. Let's get 'em loaded!"

Like this bit of dialogue here in particular.

The wagons' axles creaked and groaned, but Keith could tell the axles would hold.

Saw Bay's comments about psychic powers before I quite got to it in-fic - interesting way to incorporate his powers without explicit mentioning of them, here.

"I told you, Beckard, there's no point in getting anything out of him. It's like lookin' for pidgey teeth.

Missed quotation mark at the end, there.

thatwafted

Another typo.

The communal hall was a huge, old metal barn. A single table, a hodge-podge of wooden slats mashed together with crude iron nails, sat at the center of the hall. Wooden benches, the younger cousins of the table, lined the edges of the table. The whole room was lit by a single LED bulb perched atop the ceiling like the North Star, and rows of wooden torches in crude sconces fastened to the walls.

You do have a knack for describing setting, I must say

Keith only had a sip while everyone else drained their mugs.When the conversations rose in volume, buoyed by the alcohol, Keith slunk out of the hall, seen by no one.

Need a space in between sentences. Anyway, having Keith pretty much gulp down what he eats is an interesting quirk for a hunter - yet he still has this stealthy demeanor, as seen here. Not sure what to make of him yet.

"But I might not be here. I'm getting old, snake. My pops wasn't much older than me when he went, nor my mom. I find more gray hairs in my beard every mornin'. My bones creak, my hands ache, and I have trouble remembering where I put my knives. Heck, this feather took me ten minutes to find."

I see it's your tendency to put bare dialogue in your stories - the characters are, for the most part, distinct, but it's really Keith that stands out. You might be favoring him and ignoring everyone else to a certain extent.
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Ch13
Verra walked inside and approached the closed curtain. "What's behind this?" she asked, sliding the curtain aside. Sitting on the bed, underneath the covers, was a desiccated human corpse. Its mummified fingers clung to the sheets, and it stared up at the ceiling. Verra leapt back and stumbled into everyone behind her.

"I call him Fred," Keith said. "I found him like that over twenty years ago."

I would react the same way haha.

erra chuckled and said, "I think we're beyond that point." She sat down next to him and leaned against his shoulder. "So, what do you hear down here?"

"The heartbeat of the world." Verra smirked, and he said, "I'm serious. The cave pulses with energy, and I can feel every surface in my mind, like everything radiates a blue color I can see through my eyelids. Close your eyes and listen. I'm sure you could hear it."

Verra closed her eyes and waited a few seconds. "I don't hear anything."

"You aren't trying hard enough. Wait a little longer, it takes time to adjust."

Verra fell silent, and they sat together for an hour. After a minute, Verra's hand slid into his, and although he had half a mind to move, he found the warmth of her fingers soothing. As Keith started to wonder if she heard the cave's pulse, Verra's head slid off his shoulder. He carried her up the stairs, tucked her into her bed, and returned to the cave.
It seems more cute moments between Keith and Vera are starting to come up :p

I thought this was a fun little chapter with Keith showing the Pokemon some technological stuff. Guess this can be considered a secret base, only quite bigger.

Ch 14
I started to get suspicious when Keith had Kendra unconscious and the mention of blood from his ears. I feel Verra should be a bit more worried as to what he was doing before he caught Kendra and her in the cave.

It's pretty interesting though a Zoroark is the one that was responsible for destroying the city a few chapters back. Going to assume the sibling there will go to Keith's village sooner or later.

Ch 15
I actually don't think this chapter is too heavy dialogue until at the end. The supposed hunter makes for good brief conflict there. As for your concern about Keith dancing around the truth, I can understand why you're worried about that but I think it would be more realistic he would hesitate saying what is really going on.

Looking forward to more!
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Kendra kept her hands at her side. "I'm afraid the teachings of the Great Serpent Arkus do not permit such contact."

The mayor withdrew his hand and said, "Is that so? Those teachings also have you wear those masks, don't they?"

"Yes. Ancient legends speak of shape-shifters that can steal the form of anyone they see or feel. The tradition was started to ward them off."

"Why do your people worship Arkus? I've never heard of such a legend."

Kendra paused a few seconds before answering, "Long ago, our people were attacked by a powerful, evil stone creature that towered over buildings and knocked over trees. The Great Serpent defended our ancestors with its holy fire and lightning, casting the fiend into the dark pit from whence it came. It also revealed the False Ones, banishing them with its powers. The Holy One then imparted them with the knowledge needed to thwart what darkness remained."

Keith kept his expression calm, but he could feel his blood boiling beneath his skin. The moment he told the group about his nickname came to mind as a drop of sweat trickled down his hand. His mouth itched with the urge to speak out, but he forced himself to stay silent.

Good fake religion there, heh.

I like the scene between Verra and Keith when she found her mother's headleaf. A kiss on the cheek, huh? :P

"He slipped in a river and banged up his shoulder," another soldier answered.

Keith held up his blood-stained hand and turned to the fake soldier. "Must've been a sharp rock. I hope you recover swiftly."

As Keith walked away, he unslung his rifle and held it in his hands. He contemplated turning around and shooting the pokemon, but he knew he'd be shot dead. Instead, he used the last light of the day to return to his hut. He threw some logs onto the coals, and just after he got a fire going, a knock came from his door. Kendra walked into his hut and took a seat on the floor.

Yeah I feel the Pokemon will make their move very soon…

"I couldn't agree more. After all, you're seventy years old now, aren't you? I can't imagine you having much time to spare."

The hunter remained silent as Keith pulled the casing from his pocket. "You have a distinctive thumbprint, Nolan."

Nolan stood up and walked towards the door. "I don't know what you're talking about. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to return─"

"Why is the Empire working with those pokemon?"

Nolan stopped in the doorway, turned around, and walked up to Keith. He whispered in his ear, "If you want to live to be as old as I am, get as far away from this as possible. I don't want to kill you, but I will if I'm ordered to."

Oh, hey there Nolan. What he whispered to Keith, though, sounds serious.

Spoiler:


Still look forward to what happens next!
 

Sike_Saner

*aromatisse noise*
169
Posts
17
Years
All righty, time to read this. I'll be commenting on little bits and pieces as I go along, and you'll get them unfiltered, so you might see questions that'll have already answered themselves and first/second/so forth impressions that don't match the ones I'll have by the time I've caught up with the latest chapter.

Also, there'll probably be jokes, because that's just how I roll.

Spoiler: I'll stick it in here if it turns out balls long.
The first was a clean shot in between the eyes. It still had sticky blue juices at the corner of its mouth, and it seemed to have a smile on its face. Keith cut off the ears and put them in the pouch at his waist.

The second was still twitching. The bullet hit it in the thigh, causing a slow yet lethal loss of blood. Keith swiftly grabbed its head and jabbed the knife point into the base of its skull, causing it to jerk in panic before it fell limp. Keith felt a surge of electricity through the gloves that caused his hands to go numb. After he rubbed feeling back into his fingers, he sliced off the ears and dropped them in his pouch. He stopped only to collect his rope and bullet shells before leaving the plains.

Ears, eh? Of course I immediately began wondering what he's taking them for, and my mind went straight to sow's ears. Chew toys. Somehow I get the feeling these aren't actually being harvested for dogmon, but time may tell.

Anytime someone asked how his day was, he held up two fingers.

Not the middle fingers, of course, hilarious though that'd be.

The third had its head lowered, shielding its body with its thick skull and horns. Keith knew better to aim between the eyes and instead aimed above its head, at the spinal cord. Keith's shot pierced the tauros' neck behind the skull, and it instantly collapsed. It slid to a stop just inches away from the barrel of his rifle.

Whoo! Talk about a close call.

Once the food was redistributed, the mayor gave the word and everyone turned around. Keith saw that he was correct; only Maria could slice beef so thinly, the au jus was a perfect, homogenous liquid, and the loaf of bread vented steam through its sliced crust like a chimney.

Oh lord this is making me want a roast beef sandwich like nobody's business.

Keith readied his knife, but his arm brushed against his bulging pack, reminding him that he didn't have the room for a kill. Instead, he looked at the cakes in his lap and tossed one towards the rattata.

It took a few cautious steps towards the pastry, sniffed it, and took a small bite. It seemed astounded by the taste of honey and gobbled the rest in a few oversized bites, then it took a long drink from the spring before running off.

That was as cute as it was pragmatic.

Keith watched the female charizard with a hand on his gun, but her eyes were not on him. Staring at the dead charizard, she dug her claws into her shoulder, leaving four deep gouge marks. She smeared the blood onto the charizard's forehead and flew off.

I love it when we get to see bits of a pokémon's culture like that.

"They're animals. Some animals are smarter than others, but they're still just animals."

The blade slipped, leaving a long, shallow cut on his thumb. He wrapped it carefully and continued talking.

"Come to think of it, humans are animals too. Sure, we're smarter and more civilized, but we're all made of the same stuff. We're all just a bunch of animals."

That's right, son. Get those eyes open, bit by bit.

A single metallic snick was his only warning. Keith threw himself left, and a crossbow bolt buried itself in a tree trunk behind him. He fired off a shot, pulled the bolt back, and waited. The branches told him his assailant was retreating, but he didn't put his rifle away. He didn't even turn the safety on.

He first inspected the bolt. Though it was a crude stone point on a wooden shaft, the bolt was buried an inch in the tree's thick bark. Keeping his rifle up, he searched the area ahead for signs of blood, but he knew that he missed.

He kept his rifle out at all times over the next few nights. The sound of wing-beats and insect chittering unnerved him, but it wasn't until the third night that he heard the groans of branches, creeping steadily closer. He waited for the sounds to approach before he turned around and fired. The assailant ducked the shot, swung from the branch, and fired before retreating. The bolt sailed far overhead, losing itself in the leafy ceiling.

Five more days passed without a sign of the assailant. Keith slowed his progress so he could sleep lightly, and he kept both his rifle and his crossbow ready.

I wonder what his assailant is. Emphasis on "what".

On the tenth day, he ran into a new kind of trap. There was no wire, no snare, no warning. As he walked around, a crossbow clicked in the trees, and a bolt sailed through the air towards him. He dodged, but the bolt scored a deep gash on his cheek. He aimed at the tree, but all he saw were a crossbow and a rope leading away from it.

And there go my thoughts to the first time I found a jungle temple on Minecraft. Arrows, arrows, and arrows. Plus a couple of jerkhole creepers decided I wasn't allowed to get away with the loot. Good times.

"Damn it," he said. "I'll find another way."

He heard the wind whisper "there is another way," and a tree to his right opened like a zipper. Keith stood, putting most of his weight on his good leg as he limped through the tree.

The other side seemed to stretch on forever. Between him and a pool of white water was a stretch of short, verdant grass. Everything beyond that was a pale cream color a few shades darker than the pool. The light seemed to rise up from the pool itself and coat everything like mist.

!

Well this is certainly unexpected. Color me intrigued.

The voice paused a moment before answering none. Keith walked over to the spring, cupped his hands, and poured the white liquid into the raticate's mouth. Its body quivered, and the white liquid gushed from its wounds, enveloping the body. The liquid squirmed and writhed until it evaporated, leaving a white and blue bird with an enormous orange beak.

Keith clenched his fists. "You said there would be no price to pay."

"There was no price."

"Then explain this!"

"I bestow new bodies unto those that need them."

!!!

Intriguingness intensifies, and also becomes a word.

"Don't you dare," Keith growled. "Killing her would be kinder than destroying her personality."

"What makes you say this?"

"I've seen it once already. I have no wish to see it happen again."

Keith's ethics fascinate me. Also I can't help but suspect that he's referring to an incident other than what happened to the raticate. It'd certainly explain why he reacted so adversely to said raticate's... remaking.

The last thing Ty'mir said before Keith blacked out was "if you think this is bad, you'd really hate my sister."

is instantly intrigued about his sister

Keith gestured at the powder. "Seven point five parts saltpeter, one point five charcoal, one sulfur, ground together for two hours makes gunpowder."

Or, y'know, you could just shoot a creeper.

Keith reached up to touch his face and stopped an inch short of shocking himself. He whirled around and strode back to the smithy. As Verra crossed the door, Keith slammed his left hand onto the anvil, and the pile of gunpowder sitting on it exploded.

Verra screamed and jumped out the door. Keith hunched over and held his hands over his ears.

slkdfskdjfsd well that's certainly one way to shoo a lizard out...

As Kendra walked down the steps, Ty'mir watched the clouds, holding the cane next to him with his mind. A single purple bolt raced across the clouds, and Ty'mir's psychic grip flickered. The cane fell to the floor. Ty'mir picked it up and turned it over in his hands.

A twinge of pain, in between his ears, made him blink his eyes. It grew, worming its way through his head. He lowered himself to the floor, gripping his head as the pain slowly blackened his world.

Oh shit...

Keith kicked the door down and ran inside. Ty'mir was lying on the floor, clutching his head. His cane had rolled into the kitchen.

Verra dashed over to his side. "Elder! What's wrong?"

"I couldda hadda V8..."

"Here's what's happening," Keith said after he jumped off the roof. "Ty'mir's ill and a fifty foot monster is about to attack the city. We have three hours. What's the most powerful weapon we have?"

One guard answered swords, and the other, Keith's rifle.

WELP.

Electricity also rushed through Keith arm. The mareep wool on his arm burned with his own flesh, and he could feel the heat seep into his bones. He couldn't help but scream, but his body was in such agony his lungs wouldn't draw in air. He staggered away from the cannon, mouth agape, screaming silently as he reached out with his charred hand. Fingerbones, gray and smoking, fell from his hand as the tendons burned.

Now there's a nice, gruesome image. :D

Ty'mir hobbled over to a chair and sat down. "Ever since I was a child, I hated my powers. I was always told I had those powers came with a responsibility towards everyone around me. I had to help the wounded, give shelter to the poor, provide for the needy. My sister reveled in her power, using it to help anyone she wanted, but I just wanted to be left alone. Instead, people flocked to me for aid, and over time, this city grew. As more people arrived, they placed a greater strain on my mind. I had to create and teach a whole language just to keep the peace! Many times, I contemplated drinking poison to rid myself of this curse, but I couldn't, not with the knowledge of how much everyone below me would suffer. Then you came and saved these people when I could not. You nearly gave your life to protect this town, and in you, I saw an opportunity. I regenerated as much of your flesh as I could, and the energy backlash robbed me of my powers and sight. Now, I can live in peace, the selfish dream I always held in my heart."

"And that gives you the right to dump all your responsibility on me?"

"What can I say?" Ty'mir asked, waving his cane. "I'm a selfish bastard and I'm unfit for leadership."

Pfffff, that response. I like this alakazam.

"You're unfit? I can't even stand to be around people. Crowds give me headaches, and anytime there's a party, even when it's for me, I always sneak off and sit alone."

"I'm blind as a bat! I couldn't even tell you where the door was in my own house!"

"I can't swim!" Keith shouted. "Do you think I'd have anyone's respect if they saw me try to cross a river?"

"I'm so frail, I can't even walk across my own home without a cane, much less a river!"

This both is and isn't a bragging contest and it amuses the heck out of me.

"Leave it, please. I've been healed enough."

"I need the practice."

"Practice on someone else," Keith retorted.

Kendra straightened up and smoothed back her hair. "As the new leader of Palsitore, I hereby order you to allow me to heal your cut."

"And if I refuse?"

"Then you'll undermine my authority, and you'll have to lead the city."

Well played, Kendra. Very well played.

"You're right," she said, "you're not psychic. Father thinks this is because he reconstructed your arm, and the lingering traces of energy allowed the amulet's energy to flow through you. And since that could make your arm explode, I won't ask you to do it again."

...is it bad that I immediately began hoping she'd reconsider

Six blue, muscular pokemon, which Keith learned were called Machoke

Ah. I'd suspected that's what they were, though part of me was beginning to play with the notion of them being hypermuscular azumarill, because of course it was.

The door across from the bedrooms held a large entertainment room, with a twenty-foot plasma screen television mounted into the far wall, a dozen couches arranged in concentric rings across the floor, tables and footrests, speakers spread out on the wall, and a small glass closet beneath the television.

"Have a seat everyone. You're about to see something from before the Day of Ruin."

Oh hello thar, post-apocalyptic setting. Had Verra your skill in sneaking up on a person, Keith's story would've ended many chapters ago.

"I have no clue what this stuff is, but it's called Sprecher's Root Beer, and it's good. Take one and twist the top off."

Oh my fuck yes, I could do with some root beer right about now...

As Keith started to wonder if she heard the cave's pulse, Verra's head slid off his shoulder. He carried her up the stairs, tucked her into her bed, and returned to the cave.

D'aww.

Keith led the way to the kitchen, where strips of meat and round brown lumps were set onto each plate.

"Careful," Keith said, "the brown things are hot. I don't know what they're called, but they're filling."

tumblr_nbx64tNcdJ1rs9nolo4_250_zpsptrdax42.gif


Keith pointed his rifle at the man on the right. "You next."

He picked up the knife, held his hand above his head, and sliced at the empty air between his hand and his hair. A handful of red and black fur appeared in his hand, and he held it up for the breeze to carry away.

"You win," he said. His body rippled, and the pokemon underneath the illusion was revealed. It was covered in black fur, with red highlights in its long, flowing hair, crimson claws on its hands and feet, and bright green eyes. The pokemon smiled at Keith.

Ah, I was wondering if/when a zoroark would be making an appearance.

She walked away, and everyone parted around her. As she reached the edge of the convoy, Keith raised and fired his rifle. The bullet passed an inch away from the pokemon's head, breaking a hole through the invisible barrier around her with a purple flash.

"I thought so," Keith said, pulling back the bolt on his rifle. "Your brother attacked the city of Palsitore, and I was the one that killed him."

...and then it turns out a zoroark already had! Well played.

A small green light flashing off of Verra's cloak caught his eye. It took Keith a few seconds to realize it was a laser pointer.

Three kittens and one jumping spider immediately pounced on it.

"Jessie, dear, could you warm some tea for our guests?" As his wife pumped out water and set it on the stove to steep, the mayor gestured toward the seats at the table. The mayor took the seat at the head of the table, and after a moment, Kendra took the opposite side. Keith leaned against a corner, holding the trigger of his rifle in his hands and pointing the barrel towards the floor.

The mayor leaned over the table and held out his hand. "I'm James, mayor of this town, and over there is Jessabelle, my wife."

SKDJLAKSD OH HI, ARE YOU NAMED THAT FOR THE REASON I CAN'T HELP BUT SUSPECT OR ARE YOU PLAYING HACKY SACK WITH MY MIND

Verra caressed the leaf and held it up in her hand. A gust blew the leaf up into the air, and Verra lunged at the leaf, crunching it in her grasp. She opened her hand, and her tears fell onto the brittle pieces of her mother's headleaf.

Wow. ;-; That might just be the saddest paragraph I've read in a while.

Saddest paragraph in fiction, anyway.

Keith walked up to the soldier and said, "Doesn't that sound like a blast?"

Keith, was that a pun?

Hanek snorted and laughed. A fingerbone fell onto the counter as he wiped the tears from his eyes.

Nice.

"What now?" Verra asked as they walked. "What do we do now that we, you know, love each other?"

"I have an idea. There's someone who owes me a favor, someone who can make this situation work for both of us."

!!!!!!

I should've guessed we hadn't seen the last of that being, heh.

Or, I guess, heard the last about that being.


There's stories I simply like. Lots of them, as a matter of fact. Then there's stories that I also get really, really invested in. This is the latter. I don't think my eyes wandered to the clock even once while I was reading. Considering I was reading for... somewhere between two and three hours, I think... and that I'd only have had to glance half an inch over at best, that's saying something. Kudos. :D
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Ch 17

Keith opened his mouth to speak, but only a gurgle came from his throat. He reached up with his left hand to clutch at his throat and tried to stand, but his legs caved and he fell to the floor. He could taste blood on his lips and he saw it pooling on the floor in front of him. He knew Jessie was shouting, but he couldn't hear her voice. His vision faded, and before he passed out, he saw Maria throw himself over his chest, crying into his shoulder.

Going to assume the cookies were actually meant for Verra, but yeah Keith took the bait instead. The scene with the sister's death a bit after, ouch.

"Hello Keith. It's nice to meet you in person. My name is Levin, twelfth child of my family. As the Empire's envoy, I must apologize for my sister's rash and destructive behavior." Levin held out his hand, and after a moment of hesitation, Keith shook his hand.

"Why did you let me kill her?"

"My father wants to meet you. I can't let you die before that happens. How are they taking it, by the way?"

No wonder there had been a few siblings running around, heh. In all seriousness, though, I do wonder what Levin's father wants with Keith.

Ch 18

Keith nodded, and Hanek said, "Ever since I was a young man, she smiled at me and gave me presents, but I never thought anything of it. It went on like that for twenty years, until the day she got fed up with waiting and planted a kiss on my lips. We got married within the week, and two winters later, she died of pneumonia."

Twenty years is a very long time for waiting, haha. Still sad though Hanek's wife passed away. :< Also feel bad Hanek getting the plague and Keith needing to kill him.

Keith walked up to her, leaving a slim gap between them. "Verra, I just got some advice from an old friend of mine. I think it's worth trying."

"What did he tell you to do?"

"This." Keith leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. Verra backed off, and then she wrapped her arms around him and returned the kiss. They stood there for five minutes until Keith heard someone walking up the path. He tapped Verra on the shoulder, and they stopped kissing just before the knock came at the door.

Yay! I know several people don't like human x Pokemon pairings, but I think you build up Keith and Verra's relationship fine here.

So the Pokemon Keith met several chapters back is Kendra's aunt. Looks like the fountain won't be used, though, woops. I do agree, though, that's too easy. Shall be interesting how Keith and Verra will make their relationship work. Looking forward to more!
 

Sike_Saner

*aromatisse noise*
169
Posts
17
Years
"That's part of the idea. You have to lead our forces. The Council is already in unanimous agreement, but you'll still need to address them and the soldiers."

"They decided without seeing me?"

"I showed them memories of the battle. That quickly settled the dispute."

Sometimes psychic abilities come in handy.

He heaved the cloak over himself and felt the weight settle on his shoulders. Once he also donned a matching pair of gloves, engraved with snakes on each hand, a pair of crimson leather boots, and his rifle, he plodded up the steps to Ty'mir's house. Sweat was running down his neck and armpits as he addressed the fifty humans and pokemon gathered in a large semicircle.

Seriously that outfit sounds heavy as shit and probably breathes like it's underwater. I could practically feel the temperature shoot up reading that.

Or perhaps I just need to turn the air conditioner back on. Either way, my point still stands, and Keith is a brave son of a gun for donning that shit because lord knows I couldn't.

As he left, he stopped next to Kendra and whispered, "Keith the Golden Serpent, what the hell?" Kendra shrugged her shoulders.

Everyone's got a cross to bear. Keith's just happens to be flashy nicknames.

He learned the names of pokemon species foreign to him, and he assessed their abilities, going so far as to fire bullets at a few sturdier pokemon.

Keith: shoots at a probopass

Probopass: lol

"What are we going to do? You know, after the war is over?"

Keith gave her a kiss on the cheek. "We'll work it out one day at a time."

"But what would everyone else think of us? This type of a relationship isn't normal."

Keith could probably shoot a flea off a dog's balls, and Verra could probably decapitate someone with potpourri if she had access to enough of it. I'm not saying they're invincible, but their chances are certainly better than they could be if someone wanted to start something.

"Do you know why my aunt was imprisoned? She helped anyone in need, but she bent them to her desires, creating a collection of devoted servants. When father confronted her about it, she tried turning him into another one of her slaves. Father resisted and used the energy he had stored away over the course of decades to defeat her. You can't trust her."

The tent flaps rustled and opened. Keith said goodbye and returned to his tent. He slid the robe off of his shoulders and placed it on the rack next to his bed.

"Consequences be damned," Keith said as he threw the covers over himself. "I promised I would make this work, and if that's what it takes, then so be it."

Again I emphasize: I don't think he's invincible. That means I get to wonder if 1.) he'll encounter Lorende again, and 2.) if it's going to bite him in the ass if he enlists her services. I suspect Interesting Things lie ahead.

I suspected that anyway, but yeah. It's a more precise suspicion now. :B
 

Sike_Saner

*aromatisse noise*
169
Posts
17
Years
A few hours after sunrise, the Empire's army appeared from in between the trees and crossed the river. Keith counted the soldiers crossing the bridge, and at the end of an hour, eight thousand soldiers and five-hundred cannons were deployed in the valley.

That's quite a few soldiers there. I'm impressed Keith didn't lose count.

As the enemy army marched forward, Keith sensed something missing. He could hear their footsteps, the clanging of their armor, and the grinding of the cannons' wheels, but he couldn't hear them breathing.

"Have the troops hold fire, and teleport me in front of them. Those soldiers aren't real."

Whoops! Pretty sneaky, zorothings!

Keith closed his eyes, and this time, he could hear the breathing of the army below him.

Dang, Keith. What are you?

The valley was strewn with blood and gore, some of it reaching up the cliff faces. Keith could see a head perched in a tree halfway down the valley, staring down at the battlefield. The wind changed direction, blowing the scent of blood and smoke up the cliffs. Down the battle lines, he could hear his army retching from the smell.

nods

It is a pretty harsh smell in those quantities. Especially since there' be... well. Other fresh corpse smells in the mix.

When they turned to look at the bridge, they saw a large gray metal machine, with a cannon mounted on top of it, roll onto the bridge. It was followed by nineteen more like it, each taking turns crossing the bridge.

Ohhhh shit...

Nolan was waiting on a tree stump, cleaning his rifle. Keith stopped and pointed his rifle at him, but Nolan didn't move until his four guards joined him.

"You were right, Levin," Nolan said as he stood and faced Keith. "He followed me without a second thought."

The zoroark appeared out from behind a tree and shook his head. "Nolan, that was sloppy. You weren't supposed to hit him. Now we'll have to use the contingency plan."

"My apologies," Nolan said as he pointed his rifle at Levin's shoulder and pulled the trigger. As he pressed a hand over his shoulder, Levin transformed into Keith and ran off towards Kendra.

fffffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF WELL SHIT. Well played, imperials. Well played.

You know, putting this reveal after we saw "Keith" rejoin his troops had an interesting side effect. Namely, that great sort of plummeting "oh shit he's already there" feeling. It's something akin to dramatic irony, I think. I like it.

He felt the bullet in his shoulder grate against bone

Well that certainly sounds painful. :D

Nolan walked forward, picked up the pistol, and pointed it at Keith's head. "I'm afraid even they can't help you now. I'll make sure it's over quickly."

Keith grabbed Nolan's leg and threw his weight over the edge of the cliff. Nolan panicked and fired the pistol, shooting Keith through the center of his neck. His grip slackened, and he fell down the cliff into the pond.

Nolan leaned over the cliff's edge and watched Keith's lifeless body sink into the depths. Then he said "goodbye," and left to give his report to the zoroark.

WELP. That is either one hell of a bombshell or the setup for a double psycheout to come. Either way, quite the development.
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Some interesting conflict concerning Keith and Verra's relationship along more info on Kendra's aunt. I too wonder if this will backfire on Keith if he manage to find Lorende.

A soldier in finery walked up to Keith and said, "My brother was right, but I had to test your senses myself. No wonder why Father wishes to meet you. I am Altader, first and most powerful child of our Father. Come with me now, and I shall grant your allies an additional month to prepare."

Oh, so we get to meet another sibling. You mention the story is close to ending, but a part of me is curious about him.

Keith waited for them to cross half the valley before giving the orders to fire. In the first barrage, half the cannons and the vanguard were smashed. The pokemon fired volley after volley of cannon fire into the forces below them, and while the Empire's soldiers stood firm amidst the exploding ground and the deaths of their comrades, the commanders in the rear ordered a retreat, and a few hundred soldiers sprinted across their fallen comrades for the safety across the river.

The valley was strewn with blood and gore, some of it reaching up the cliff faces. Keith could see a head perched in a tree halfway down the valley, staring down at the battlefield. The wind changed direction, blowing the scent of blood and smoke up the cliffs. Down the battle lines, he could hear his army retching from the smell.

I can see why you enjoy writing this chapter. :p In all seriousness though nice description of the battle's aftermath.

I admit I had an idea the Keith that came back after the assassination attempt on Verra is fake as, "the assassin got away but I still have my guards pursue him" sounds suspicious. Still makes me very worried about what will happen to Verra and the others.

Spoiler:


Looks like we're getting closer to the conclusion! Excited for that!
 

Sike_Saner

*aromatisse noise*
169
Posts
17
Years
Keith opened his eyes and saw the water's surface above him. He felt calm and serene watching sunlight flicker off the waves of the pond. His lungs called out for oxygen, and Keith opened his mouth to take in a breath. Water filled his mouth, and in a panic, he kicked towards the surface and gasped in a breath of air.

He swam for the shore, and as his arms shoved aside the water in front of him, he saw that they were covered in blue fur. Once he was ashore, he tried to pull the fur off and noticed that his hands had changed. Now he had three thick fingers, and white cones stuck out of the backs of his hands. He flicked his finger on one of them, and it rang with a metallic chime.

Hi again, Keith. Welcome to lucariohood.

His nose stuck out like a muzzle, with his mouth underneath it, and when he reached for his ears, he felt four long, squishy lumps jutting out from the sides of his head.

So that's what those feel like. Creepy.

He heard a thrashing sound from farther down the shore, and he walked over to it. In the shallows, a squishy pink blob thrashed around. Keith picked it up and placed it onto the ground. The blob wriggled around and turned over, revealing two beady eyes and a lumpy mouth.

"Couldn't you put me on anything other than my face?" it asked. The blob held up its shapeless hands and grimaced at them. "Ugh, I sure hope you're happy. Granted, it's a little better than being a puddle, but I still won't be able to get around."

"You're Lorende?" Keith asked.

Is

is she a ditto?

Perched in a nearby tree, a large white bird glided over to Keith's shoulder and opened its oversized beak, revealing a pile of berries inside. Keith took a handful and placed them in his mouth.

They tasted like bird spit.

The soldier looked around him, at the crumpled tanks and piles of mangled bodies, and then he looked back at his own stump. He could tell the bleeding had stopped only because he was nearly out of blood. He checked the rifle's ammo and found one bullet left.

"Fuck it. We lost, and now, the human race is finished." He opened his mouth, held the muzzle against his tonsils, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.

"Jammed," he said, checking the inside of the rifle. "Fuck me."

Man. Talk about adding insult to injury.
 

Sike_Saner

*aromatisse noise*
169
Posts
17
Years
He closed his eyes and felt Verra running towards him. He turned towards her, but a sinister presence in the corner of his mind made him freeze. Dark, nebulous orbs floated in front of him and converge, creating a shifting mass. The darkness solidified and transformed into a zoroark. Yellow eyes with slitted pupils stared coldly at him.

"At last, we meet, Keith, the great serpent amongst men," he rumbled. "I am known as Father, but in truth, I have no name. You may call me Ath."

He certainly knows how to make an entrance!

He raised his hand over the ground, and black strands floated down from his fingertips. A gray crystalline chair rose from the soil, and Ath sat down on it.

Can he conjure any other kind of furniture?

...Can he conjure a toilet?

He spun the orb into a conical spear and threw it towards Keith's chest, but Verra dashed out of the forest, throwing herself in front of the projectile. Her body crumbled into black powder and fell to the ground, but in her chest was a glowing white stone that hung in the air.

WELP

A zoroark leapt at him from behind, and he crushed its skull beneath his fingers, smiling as bits of bone and brains oozed between his fingers.

It's like the world's best stress ball!

"Not until you pay first." Keith reached for his rifle, and it flew to his hands. He fired off a shot, but the bullet shattered against the zoroark's shield. He fired two more, and the third grazed the zoroark's head.

Can we take a moment to really appreciate that this is a mega goddamn lucario firing a fucking rifle, because that's one hell of an image.


Congrats on finishing this. I'm definitely looking forward to part 2. :D
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Chapters 21 and 22

Ah, so Keith is a Lucario now! I think I get the "psychic" part being Lucario's Aura Sphere and knowing all things aura. This actually should have clicked to me sooner as I was reading another fic featuring Lucario, though more of a smaller role.

Once those soldiers were gone, Levin drew his knife and inched closer to Kendra. As he held his arm back, he heard a gunshot in the distance, then another, and six seconds later, as he turned towards the source of the sound, a bullet smashed through his barriers and split his skull open.

I love this part. Such a satisfying kill.

In the grip of another soldier, he saw a rifle, immaculately clean amidst the gore around it. He grabbed the rifle and crawled over to his false commander.

"What the hell did you do with General Surge?"

Altader glared at him and kept mumbling to itself. The soldier raised the rifle and pointed it at the zoroark.

"Go to hell." The soldier pulled the trigger, and Altader shuddered once more before falling still.

A bit shame Altader didn't get much screentime as he seems to have potential to be very interesting.

Chapter 23

First off, YAY YOU FINISHED! :D My last comments:

Spoiler:
 
10,175
Posts
17
Years
  • Age 37
  • Seen yesterday
Instead of making you wait until I finalize a review for all three chapters, I'm going to post a review for them one at a time. So we'll start with chapter ten!

This is an interesting story, where you have a human who is used to hunting Pokemon now having to live with them. So as the story goes on, Keith has to understand who he's living with, including victims of his hunts. And because of that, those victims have to learn to understand him.

You're aware of this already, I'm sure, but I still feel like there are parts of the story where the pace is too quick for the particular scenes. Like at the end of chapter ten, when Verra and Keith hug, it felt like there should be more to it. Since Verra's thoughts are missing (due to the third-person-limited viewpoint you're writing in), you could have more of Keith's thoughts. How else does he feel besides shocked? What's going through his mind during that ten-minute hug? Especially since Verra just tried to kill him a short while ago, and then just punched him in the nose.

It was the same with the scene in the beginning of the chapter, where Keith is reflecting on Izzo's death. He could think about how Izzo was just a decent Pokemon who wanted to save his town and be a hero, and now he's dead thanks to Keith and unable to enjoy his hero status.

But I will say that your dialogue helps your characters! I really enjoyed the conversation between Keith and Ty'mir. It showed the burden of responsibility that Ty'mir felt, and why he was so willing to hand it over to Keith. It really is your dialogue where your characters come through.

I'll be back hopefully soon for chapter 11!
 
Back
Top