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  #1    
Old June 27th, 2013, 03:55 PM
DarkMoonPhase's Avatar
DarkMoonPhase
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This Rated T for mild swearing and occasional violence.
Hikaru's Background
Spoiler:
Hikaru is originally from Honen. She a trainer who just wants to better her Pokèmon. This is her first time in Unova. Garchomp is a Pokèmon she traded for. Infernape is her Honen starter all grown up. These are the only Pokèmon she brought with her.



The beginning
"The First Gym"
Spoiler:
Hikaru stood straight, her long black hair curled at the ends on her shoulder. Her navy blue shirt and jeans were her prized outfit. Her green eyes narrowed, gazing at the building in front of her. "This is it Garchomp. Our first gym battle in a while." Hikaru said. Striaton City. Home of the famous Gym cafe. My first Unova challenge with Oshawott. She thought.

Hikaru stepped forward, her pulse was beating with excitmement. "Welcome to the Cafe." A waiter said with a pleasent smile. "Please come this way for the gym." She said directing Hikaru down the hall.
When Hikaru stepped in the doorway a mid aged woman with a Serperior passed. "Heres your water." She declared shoving it in Hikaru's hand and leaving quickly. "What's your starter?" Said a red-head, who was followed by a green- and blue-haired men.
"Huh? Oh sorry, it's Oshawott. I was so tangled in the scenery." Hikaru replied absent-mindedly. This is where it begins, she thought.


"Intrusion"
Spoiler:
The red- and Blue-haired men left and The green-haired man spoke. "I'm Cilan, one of the gym leaders here. Based on your starter, I'll be your opponent for the Trio Badge so follow me." He said.
As Cilan lead Hikaru down the hall she noticed a few men in black.
"Here we are. Straiton city Gym." Cilan said as a referee walked in the room.
"This is a one-on-one battle. The first trainer unable to battle wins." The referee announced.

Before Hikaru could let Oshawott out his Pokèball, there was a loud crash.
"What?!" Hikaru said, whipping her head around only to see the Middle aged woman facing the men in black.
"Come back to us. Or it'll mean trouble for you!" Said the man.
"I'm not going back. And there's no way the likes of you can stop me!" She said.
The three men released Crobats, but before the was any commands something fast surged across the room, but it was to fast for Hikaru's eyes.
When her eyes caught up Hikaru stared in shock, a Serperior had curled itself around a Crobat with wrap. In seconds the Crobat had fainted.
"Serperior, go!" The woman called. As if linked to the woman, the Serperior dragon tailed another Crobat, it screeched before dropping to the ground. "Two down, one to go." The woman said.
"Fall back! Let's go!" The man cried, fleeing.

Hikaru ran to the woman. "Are you alright?!" She asked.
"I'm fine. But I can't stay here anymore." She said, starting to leave.
"Will they come for you again?!" Hikaru asked.
The woman rolled her eye's of course, but it's none of your concern." She said.
"Then I'm coming too. You could be in danger!" Hikaru exclaimed.
"Then take this." Cilan said handing Hikaru a badge. "You didn't beat us but if your going to help, you'll need it." He said.
"Do what you like, but if your seen with me, you'll be a target as well." She said. "Before you ask my names, Lyn." She added as she walked out the door.

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Last edited by DarkMoonPhase; June 29th, 2013 at 11:21 PM.
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  #2    
Old June 27th, 2013, 09:05 PM
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Astinus
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Hi there! Welcome to PC and Fanfiction and Writing! Let's see what you have written here.

I'm guessing your story is about a trainer, but I can't tell if she's a new trainer or not. She has a Garchomp and is about to enter her first Gym battle, but she also has an Oshawott that she received as a starter. So did she travel around Sinnoh and win the league there and decided to travel to Unova and start with an Oshawott? You should include some back story about your characters so readers can get a sense of who they are, where they came from, and the world that they live in.

Another thing that I noticed is that you're making quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes. Each mistake that a reader sees takes them out of the story because they had to stop and think about what you mean. When you finish writing a chapter, give it a few days to rest so that when you read it over, it looks completely fresh to you. This way, you can look at it with a new set of eyes. If there are any problems you're not sure of, you can always look around for a beta reader, who can read over your story before you post it and answer any questions you might have.

To help you out, I'll point out some mistakes that I saw.

Quote:
Hikaru: A Trainers Story
Right in the title, "trainers" should be "trainer's." You need the apostrophe to note that the word is possessive, and this story is owned by a trainer.

Quote:
Her shirt a navy blue with jeans.
This sentence doesn't make some sense the way it is now. You could split the description into two sentences, with one about her shirt and the other about her jeans. Or you could say "Her shirt was a navy blue color which matched her jeans" or something along those lines.

Quote:
Straighton citie's famus Gym cafe.
When you're writing fanfiction, you should look up any spellings for things mentioned in the canon (what you're basing the story on). With Pokemon, you can use sites like Bulbapedia or Serebii to see how the cities of Unova spell their names. For instance, it's "Striaton City" and "famous."

Quote:
"What's your started?" Said a red head, who was followed by a green and blue haired men.
Okay, there are a few here.

-"started" should be "starter"
-"said" should be lower-cased because it's a dialogue tag. You're describing how the dialogue is spoken, so it gets added to the sentence it's describing.
-"green and blue haired men" should be hyphenated because the words are working together to describe the men. So "green- and blue-haired men"

Quote:
This is where it Begins. She thought.
Here "begins" shouldn't be capitalized because it's not a proper noun. Also, again "she" should be lower-cased because it counts as a dialogue tag. Though here it could be called a "thought tag." The full stop after "begins" should also be turned into a comma. And it'll look like this:
Quote:
This is where it begins, she thought.
There are other ones like this that I noticed while reading your story. Like I said, readers will get thrown out of your story when they reach mistakes, so you should do your best to catch them before sharing your story. Read over your chapter and even run the chapter through a spell-checker online to catch basic mistake and ones that you can correct on your own. Maybe get some extra eyes to look over your story as a beta reader.

Sorry for this review being all grammar and spelling. There wasn't much else to comment on, since you posted so little of your story. Hopefully this won't deter you from continuing to post here.
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  #3    
Old June 27th, 2013, 09:17 PM
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The guy above me is a Grammar Nazi . LOL jk but I like the beginning, but me as well would like to see some background info. I don't want to change your viewpoint in how you think th story should go, so I'll keep my storyline advice to myself
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  #4    
Old June 28th, 2013, 04:19 AM
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DarkMoonPhase
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YUSH, replies!

Astinus
1. Fixed. ^-^ I'd love it if I could have your editing help.
2. Any thing telling me to edit something you see is wrong, is great help to me. I won't quit making my story.

ClumsyTrain
Posting comments will help more than hurt, seeing as this is my first FF ever.
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  #5    
Old June 29th, 2013, 08:25 PM
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Astinus
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkMoonPhase View Post
Astinus
1. Fixed. ^-^ I'd love it if I could have your editing help.
2. Any thing telling me to edit something you see is wrong, is great help to me. I won't quit making my story.
That's great to hear! I was worried that my review would upset you or make you too nervous! I'm only here to help!

Unfortunately, I won't be able to provide too much help all the time. I only have a few free moments each week to review. You just happened to post at the correct time when I was reviewing. Right now, I'm don't have the time to do a full review, but I do have a piece of advice to give: Don't forget to correct the mistakes pointed out to you. I skimmed over your newest chapter, and I noticed that you're still misspelling Striaton City. You can fix this by editing your post by hitting the Edit Post button in the lower-right-hand corner of your post.

But I did see less spelling mistakes! That's always good!

One other small thing that I noticed:
Quote:
"This is a one on one battle. The first trainer unable to battle wins." The ref. announced.
It's "one-on-one" and always write out the full words. So instead of "ref." you write out "referee" instead. Just a small change.

Hopefully if I have some free time, I can give you more advice and read your new chapter. But I just wanted to say something now in case you were wondering if I could continue helping you or not.
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  #6    
Old June 30th, 2013, 07:04 AM
DarkMoonPhase's Avatar
DarkMoonPhase
The Lunar Beauty
 
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Yeah, that's fine with me. I'd like to get a few more replies before I make chapter 1: part 3. ^-^
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Old June 30th, 2013, 10:27 PM
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Phantom
Uh, I didn't do it...
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DarkMoonPhase View Post
Yeah, that's fine with me. I'd like to get a few more replies before I make chapter 1: part 3. ^-^
I would suggest a beta.

Right now it feels like the reader is being 'plopped' right in the middle of a story. Your descriptions/backstory are lacking, which leaves the reader questioning a bit.

While chapter length isn't a must one way or another, I can't tell you what to do here. What I can suggest to you, for what you do have, your chapters are far too short to grab a readers attention.

Plus there are other issues that Astinus didn't mention, like format. It's traditional, in fanfiction, to put a full space in between each new paragraph; this includes dialogue. Each time a new character speaks you must begin a new paragraph, not separate into 'conversations' as to seem to have done... sort of. Actually I have no idea what you were doing.

You also do not use proper dialogue punctuation. I'm sorry that's a pet peeve of mine. I suggest you look into that. It's one of the most common mistakes I see in writing.

In your first 'chapter', which might as well be a first scene, you do an info dump. Basically you list features of the main character in an obvious fashion. It's a sign of a newer writer, and a lot of people will advise not to do that. For example, what does her prize outfit have to do with a battle? It's a random fact that adds nothing to the story and is solely a discriptodump. Every writer is guilty of this, even I am. Learning to pick what belongs where is an important part of growing as a writer. Example, me, see this, where I infodump (see second paragraph, makes me cringe at myself), when I first got back into writing, and this, when I got more experience.

Also, what is with this spoiler format thing? Is this all one chapter? Because you mentioned a second chapter, so why separate?
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Last edited by Phantom; June 30th, 2013 at 10:34 PM.
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