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I liked this fic, i might come back to see chapter 2. 1 100.00%
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Old August 20th, 2013, 10:42 AM
TheBloodyShiner's Avatar
TheBloodyShiner
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Facility Number 1
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Thank you for clicking on this fic. Although this is my first fic i spent a long time perfecting the first chapter. The original version was admittedly... Full of mistakes, check the first reply... So i edited out all of the problems and reposted, so that this could become a contents page linking you to every chapter.

Important things to remember:
1)All criticism is taken kindly, if delivered kindly.
2)This fic DOES contain fan theories. If you are annoyed by things like Clefable and Gengar are two sides of the same coin, then read with caution. Moaning about it will make you seem ignorant.
3) This uses Japanese yen (¥) as it is a parallel to Pokedollars.
4) We eat pokemon as if cows and chickens don't exist.
5) Any sort of romance between characters in the fic is accidental, I really couldn't care less about romance fics.
6) If any cliches stand out to you, please, oh please tell me immediately...
(I cannot apply links to my work until i make 10 more posts, so the Table of Contents will be a while)

Authors Note:
Spoiler:
Ok, so now i've got hopefully the majority of my problems fixed up, this is an edited repost of chapter 1. So thankyou to Slayr231 for the advice and to anyone who reads from here on out.


Chapter 1: The Facilities Perks

After Kanto fell into recession, the government was forced to “relocate”, as they called it, all people who could not pay taxes. And by “relocate” I mean “ship off to Facility Number 1.” An island off of the coast of Kanto, rebuilt to separate the poor from the poorer. It used to be a very important island for inter-regional trade, so there are still some skyscrapers and large buildings. You can still see Vermillion on the horizon, but just what is on the coast: The gym, pier, ships, and the pokemart. Living in F1 isn’t all bad, you meet people with interesting tales and you get to know more about other cities in Kanto. One guy I met lived on Cinnabar before the eruption; he worked in Blaine’s gym for three years and has a strong team of fire types. Although there is allot of crime here, petty thievery mostly, without law people need to rely on each other to keep alive; causing them to form clans. The economy here is simple, you either have money or you steal (Or both in my case). A simple way to get an easy load is to slice the bottom of a bag and let the contents fall into yours, backpacks are common here, so they don't detect you as easily.

I was just counting up todays haul, seeing what I could live without, when a dark figure darted out of the open window from the story above and grabbed an apple. I’ve been in this business for a while, my hands instantly grabbed the intruder, I looked it in the eye. Its feather-like tufts coming out of its left ear and back were definitely the first notable thing. The claws stood out as well. Obviously it’s a Sneasel.
“Drop it!” I commanded, the Sneasel obliged and I caught it with my free hand. I let it down and shooed it away. But it sat beside me, as if it respected me, or it just wanted an apple.
“Hey, I said get lost…” my voiced rose to a shout. I turned towards the Sneasel and it was still there.
“Look, if I give you an apple will you leave?” It shook its head and looked up at me.
“You aren’t going to leave, are you?” I finally realised.
“Well, I can’t let you starve, then, can I?” I threw him the same apple he tried to steal from me; it was scratched from the claws after all, I’m not eating it… He just sat there, taking large bites smiling, eyes closed to savour the flavour, and he wasn’t even distancing himself from me. He was comfortable around me, don’t know why.

“So, how would you like to join me?” I asked, it seemed strange to ask a pokemon to wilfully join me. Normally they would be caught. Sneasel nodded to me and looked at me confused, as if I was meant to do something. It hit me, a pokeball, there were three in that guy’s bag, and all empty for some reason. I tapped one on Sneasel’s head and he became the well-known red light that I haven’t seen for years. After the shaking stopped, I instantly let out Sneasel again so he could keep eating. The guild was going to like this!

A few hours later I stood in front of the private HQ of the thieves’ guild. Selling off my extra food will be handy for getting ahead.
“You weren’t followed, were you?” A voice sounded from behind the door.

“No,” I replied, “I don’t see the need for this procedure. It’s as annoying as Zubat in a cave. Now look I got a good haul today, I want to see the training market.” The doors opened, and then I was greeted by my old friend Quake.

“Oh it was you? I didn’t see you properly with the coat on.” Quake said, she laughed and shrugged. This coat hides me pretty well. I never saw the point in getting rid of it, no matter how heavy it is. “Well, Zeke, come on in. You found something good to sell to Diamond-eye?” Diamond-eye is the trainers-goods merchant; we call him Diamond-eye because he can tell if something is faked. Unless you’re selling to him you normally have to pay him to check if something is real. I stood in a dimly lit warehouse with blacked out windows. Flashy stalls with even flashier dealers, they’re always coming up with new ways to screw you over. I threw my jacket off revealing my Dusknoir Vest and cargo pants. The vest was grey with the yellow mouth open.
“Nice threads, are they new?” Quake said, “They’re better than my old stuff.” To be honest I quite liked her style, black tank-top, and black joggers with white lines down the side (Light and comfortable, great for a thief!). It’s her hair that stands out though; it’s a dark shade of red that cuts off at her neck.

“Yeah, he came out of the mart with just that in his bag, it was too easy!” I laughed; I then brought up the subject of her Kangaskhan, hoping to be able to reveal Sneasel.

“Oh, she’s doing great; a month was more than enough to get her adjusted to being a thief’s pokemon. Why do you ask?” Quake asked me.

“I got myself a pokemon as well,” I replied, I grabbed the ball at the back of my belt and let Sneasel out. “This is my Sneasel; I met him just a few hours ago.” Quake was surprised that I had a pokemon, never mind the fact that it is known as a thief pokemon.

As we made our way to the trainer’s goods stall, I saw a box of small bottles; they interested me more than the “special” pokeballs, they just look like painted pokeballs to me. As I approached Diamond-eye I asked about the items and pointed.

He replied “It’s a box of protein bottles. Protein increases the Pokémon’s physical strength. I recommend these and Carbos, for your Sneasel’s speed.” It sounded like a great idea, Sneasel is probably weak at the moment, there aren’t many pokemon around here to battle against.
I thought for a second, I looked up to Diamond-eye again,

“I’ll bite. How much for the Protein and Carbos?” I couldn’t help it, if it is anything like it sounds, Sneasel will toughen up in no time.

“¥40000 minimum, unless you really did have a good haul, in that case I may lower the price, but just for you.” He replied, haggling was not an option, but trade may be. I searched my bag for anything he may want, I thought there were only berries in the bag, but I was wrong. I found a stone at the bottom and pulled it out, it was a crown of some sort.
Diamond-eye was shocked “Whoah, a king’s rock! Give me that and ¥10000 and you have a deal.” I gave him the rock and money and bagged the pills. I decided to wait until we next eat to give him the vitamins.

I decided to ask Quake for a battle, she looked at me like I was crazy,
“No, no thank you… What if we get ambushed, I’ll need Kangaskhan just to survive.” She was right; it was about midnight already, the thugs’ happy hour. The weekly cargo shipment was here in a few hours. It’s full of food, goods, and the occasional pokemon if they sneak on-board. I put Sneasel away for rest and we got going to the docks so we don’t get left out.
__________________
Hey, if you have the time, can you take a look at my fanfic "Facility Number 1"

Last edited by TheBloodyShiner; October 29th, 2013 at 09:50 AM. Reason: compliance with rules
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  #2    
Old August 22nd, 2013, 02:07 AM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
So, we have an interesting idea here that's definitely different. I'll save what I liked about it towards the end as I like to end on a good note.

Before I start, I have some critique on your author's note at the top of the thread. I started reading it, but as soon as I was being told about the setting, I moved on to the story as I feel that the story should explain everything I need to know without outside help.

Quote:
After falling into recession Kanto was forced to be rid of all people who couldn’t pay taxes.
There are a couple things I have issues with this first sentence. First of all, there should be a comma after recession. Second of all, the bolded section is a little weird. You're saying Kanto like it's some sort of organization instead of a region. I think you mean the government is getting rid of all the people, not the land itself. When you say "be rid of all people" it sounds and reads weird. Try re-wording that statement around to make it less awkward.

Quote:
You can still see Vermillion on the horizon, but just the gym, and all of the ships.
There's technically nothing wrong with this sentence, but it's awkwardly written. The part that sounds awkward is that you make it sound like you can only see the gym, but then you all of a sudden can see the ships. Try revising it to make it easier to read.

Quote:
Living in F1 isn’t all bad, you meet useful people, get to know the rest of the region. But really, it’s just stealing to survive.
Once again we have an awkward sentence. You start off saying that living in F1 isn't so bad, but then you switch into an unrelated topic from where you began. What I mean is that you start talking about people in the first half, but then switch to how you survive. I can see what you're going for, but I'm afraid it won't quite work here. These kinds of things are mostly used when a character is contradicting what someone is trying to make them believe, not when they're contradicting themselves. When you say "get to know the rest of the region." I'm not quite sure what you mean here. I'm guessing you're not talking about the region itself, but you get to know people from different parts of the region. When you list off different things, it's good to start the last item with "and" or "or" or something like that (wow, three or's in a row...). This rounds off the idea and the reader doesn't feel cut off. I would replace the period in front of "but" with a comma. Sorry to say, but overall, this sentence doesn't work.

Quote:
I was just counting up that day’s haul, seeing what I could live without. When out of a window, 1 storey above me a bluish black figure leapt down and grabbed an apple.
This section could use a little revising. First of all, you only use numbers when the number is greater than ninety-nine. You also misspelled "story". Here's what I would change it to. I was just counting up that day's haul, seeing what I could live without, when a dark figure darted through the open window from the story above and grabbed an apple. That starts to feel like a run-on sentence, but hopefully you catch my drift.

Quote:
I instantly grabbed the hands trying to steal my apple, to take a closer look.
This is a little weird because I feel the main character grabbed the intruder's hands to prevent the apple from being taken. Instead of saying "to take a closer look." Try something along the lines of "and looked up at the intruder's face."

Quote:
After a bit more inspection I realised it was male,
Unless this has a major role in the beginning of the story, I would leave out telling us right away the Sneasel is male. It's not necessary and this clue can be shown later on in the story when it becomes a factor.

Quote:
“So, how would you like to join me?” I asked it seemed strange to ask a pokemon to join me.
Put a comma after "asked".

Quote:
It hit me, a pokeball, there were 3 in that guy’s bag, and all empty for some reason.
You want "three" instead of "3".

Quote:
I tapped one on Sneasel’s head and he became the well-known red light that I haven’t seen for years. I instantly let out Sneasel again so he could keep eating, that's probably why he wanted to be caught, even a little guy like him needs food.
You jumped a little between these two sentences because one moment Sneasel is being absorbed into the ball, then he's being let out. I may sound picky, but some description on how the pokeball shakes, then confirms Sneasel was caught would be nice.

Quote:
The doors opened, and then I was greeted with my old [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue ! important]friend[/COLOR][/COLOR] Quake.
Were you greeted with, or by your friend? There's a difference.

Quote:
“Oh it was you? I didn’t see you properly with the coat on.” She laughed and shrugged. This coat hides me pretty well. I never saw the point in getting rid of it, no matter how heavy it is. “Well, Zeke, come on in. You found something good to sell to Diamond-eye?”
What happened here? Did you suddenly switch to third person? Is the main character a girl? Who's speaking when? Will I ever stop asking questions? This is where writing format is key. You have to put a gap between people speaking, such as:

"Who's there?" Character A asked into the darkness of the room.

"Relax, it's only me." Character B said coming into view of the torch light.

This way we know when a different person is supposed to be speaking. Right now it's very confusing and I can't decipher much information from the conversation.

Quote:
After I got inside and the doors shut behind me, the sight was the same as always,
A bit anti-climatic here. You start the sentence off as if something is going to happen, but then nothing does. Try revising it a little.

Quote:
they’re always coming up with new ways to screw you over.
Ah, a sentence easily relate-able to the modern world. I like it.

Quote:
I threw my jacket off revealing my Dusknoir Vest and cargo pants. “Nice threads, are they new?” Quake said, “They’re better than my old stuff.” To be honest I quite liked her style, especially her reddish, Silver-like hair.
Detail, detail, detail. Dusknoir vest, how does it look like Dusknoir? Does the front look like Dusknoir's face? Does it lead your soul to the ghost world? Once again, separate when characters are talking.

Quote:
“Yeah, he came out of the mart with just that in his bag, it was too easy!”
Okay, don't use "he" here because it signifies that the reader is supposed to know the character, or the main character knows the person themselves. I'm guessing it was just a random guy, so let your readers know that.

Quote:
Quake was surprised that I had a pokemon, never mind the fact that it is known as a thief pokemon.
Don't tell us she was surprised, show us that she was surprised. Same thing goes for Sneasel. Don't tell us it's known as a thief pokemon, show us.

Quote:
As we made our way to the trainer’s goods stall, I saw a box of small bottles; they interested me more than the special pokeballs.
What special pokeballs? I wasn't even aware that there were pokeballs for sale. Either something is missing, or we don't need to know about those special pokeballs.

Quote:
As I approached Diamond-eye I asked about the items and pointed. “It’s a box of protein bottles. Protein increases the Pokémon’s physical strength. I recommend these and Carbos, for your Sneasel.” It sounded like a great idea, Sneasel is probably weak at the moment, there aren’t many pokemon around here to battle against.
Did the main character answer his/her own question? Since the sentence before the dialogue was about the main character, it is assumed that the person speaking is the main character.

Quote:
“I’ll bite. How much for the Protein and Carbos? Oh, what does the Carbos do, anyway?” I couldn’t help it, if it is anything like it sounds, Sneasel will toughen up in no time.
“The same as Protein, but for his speed and stamina. Now, back to business. ¥40000 minimum, unless you really did have a good haul, in that case I may lower the price, but just for you.” He replied, haggling was not an option with Diamond-eye, but trade may be.
Separate who's speaking here as well. The end of Diamond-eye's dialogue is weird since when you say "but just for you" you normally state something after it so people know that's just for you. It just ends, in awkward silence. The last bit may need some revising as well.

Quote:
the only thing I could find were berries. I found a stone at the bottom and pulled it out, it was a crown of some sort.
You contradict yourself here. You say the only thing were berries, but then the king's rock comes out of nowhere. Something to revise.

Quote:
“Whoa, a king’s rock! Give me that and ¥10000 and you have a deal.” Well, I only had ¥20000 on me but, what the hell; I gave him [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue ! important]the [COLOR=blue ! important]rock[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR] and money and bagged the pills.
When you make the main character say "only had 20,000" you make it sound like the main character doesn't have enough money. Once again, separate whenever a new character speaks.

Quote:
I decided to ask Quake for a battle, she looked at me like I was crazy, “No, no thank you… What if we get ambushed, I’ll need Kangaskhan just to survive.” She replied, she was right.
A little redundant here on who's speaking. Since the sentence before was about the girl, we can safely assume it is the girl that is talking.

Quote:
We got going [COLOR=blue !important][COLOR=blue ! important]home[/COLOR][/COLOR], talking about stupid things, “what if”s and other things like that. Not much happens here, but I felt meeting Sneasel was only the beginning...
"We got going home." Hmm... Not the best sentence here. It's awkward wording wise and needs some revising. The conclusion here is lackluster to say the least. I could tell you got tired of writing and wanted to be dome with the chapter. Try stretching it out and adding a few more details.

That's all I have for grammar and format. I don't know if you know what the proper format is. If you need an example, here it is:

Tom swung the torch from side to side. A noise kept repeating itself down the corridor. It sounded like footsteps from a rather large boot were closer and closer with each step. Tom whipped around, facing the direction of the noise, sweat stinging his eyes.

"Who's there?" Tom called out into the darkness.

"Relax, it's only me." Robert said as he came into the torchlight.

Tom let out a sigh of relief and took Robert in a big embrace.

Now I'm not the best at description, but that's how the format goes when there is dialogue involved. This helps the reader understand who is talking and when.

One major weakness I noticed is you're lack of description. Right now, you're telling me the story, rather than showing me the story. Schools don't do a great job teaching you showing v telling, so if you want to read an article that I found pretty helpful I can PM a link to you. It's one of the hardest things of writing and takes years to master, so don't expect to become an expert right away. I still struggle, and I can guarantee that professional writers still struggle with it.

Quote:
I threw him the same apple he tried to steal from me; it was scratched from the claws after all. He just sat there eating it, not protective, not hasty, he was relaxed.
Right here, you're telling me what happens. You're telling me how Sneasel eats the apple. Try asking these questions. How is the Sneasel eating it? What body language shows he's relaxed? Things like that will help you show us, rather than tell.

You missed a wonderful opportunity to give a description about this island that these people are being shipped off to. Since you gave us hardly any information, I have some questions that I would like answered within the story.
What does the island look like?
Is it an island, or a building in the middle of the ocean like oil rigs?
Is the island developed or does it look like third-world countries?
Is there a police force?
Are there any laws at all?
How did the facility get here?
How did this law pass at all?

Answering questions like that will really help out with fleshing out the story and making it really believable. You don't have to answer all of these in the first chapter, but rather make the main character find these things out later in the story. Remember, the more details you put in, the more believable the scenario is and the more readers will care about the story. Just don't go overboard with the details. There's a line, it's not very clear where it's at, but it's easy to notice once it's crossed.

I really like your concept here. The execution needs more work, but the idea is there, and the idea is good. I'm very picky about what fics I read, but I felt attracted to your idea and I'm interested in which direction the story will take.

One last thing, don't have a poll at the beginning. It may seems like a good idea to get more feedback, but when all you're seeing is "It was okay, others may like it, but not me." What are you actually learning? You're learning there was something the reader didn't like, but you have received no information on how to fix the problem. Reviews are few and far between, it's an issue that just happens, and there's no way to generate more that will actually help you.
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Last edited by Nolafus; August 22nd, 2013 at 05:31 PM.
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  #3    
Old August 27th, 2013, 09:46 AM
TheBloodyShiner's Avatar
TheBloodyShiner
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Facility Number 1
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
First off, I'm going to thank you for being the first to write a review. I'm glad you like the concept I really appreciate the advice and i hope i learn from this and improve the writing. Just to note i will be editing chapter 1 and moving it to another post so that the original post can be a kind of table of contents. I'm currently just waiting for a bit more opinions on my work before i post chapter 2. Also, the action will start in chapter 2. Don't worry.

Although i do have a few points and apologies to be made.

Quote:
Quote:
After falling into recession Kanto was forced to be rid of all people who couldn’t pay taxes.
There are a couple things I have issues with this first sentence. First of all, there should be a comma after recession. Second of all, the bolded section is a little weird. You're saying Kanto like it's some sort of organization instead of a region. I think you mean the government is getting rid of all the people, not the land itself. When you say "be rid of all people" it sounds and reads weird. Try re-wording that statement around to make it less awkward.
I'll admit, after reading it in my head just now i realize my mistakes, all like these (Described as "Awkward") will be rewritten in the repost of Chapter 1.
Quote:
Quote:
I was just counting up that day’s haul, seeing what I could live without. When out of a window, 1 storey above me a bluish black figure leapt down and grabbed an apple.
This section could use a little revising. First of all, you only use numbers when the number is greater than ninety-nine. You also misspelled "story". Here's what I would change it to. I was just counting up that day's haul, seeing what I could live without, when a dark figure darted through the open window from the story above and grabbed an apple. That starts to feel like a run-on sentence, but hopefully you catch my drift.
I'm british and according to wikipedia:
"A storey (British English) or story (American English) is any level part of a building that could be used by people (for living, work, storage, recreation, etc.)."
I respect that it isn't your way of spelling or the majority's way of spelling it but to me it's right. I'll keep that in mind next time.

As for the number, that was solely a mistake i made. I was originally going to write it and then go through and fix up and lazy mistakes like this one. I must have skipped over it.

Quote:
Quote:
“Oh it was you? I didn’t see you properly with the coat on.” She laughed and shrugged. This coat hides me pretty well. I never saw the point in getting rid of it, no matter how heavy it is. “Well, Zeke, come on in. You found something good to sell to Diamond-eye?”
What happened here? Did you suddenly switch to third person? Is the main character a girl? Who's speaking when? Will I ever stop asking questions? This is where writing format is key.
Just so you know Quake is the speaker, so the "She" makes sense as Quake is not Zeke. I'm going to criticize, you took that out of context slightly. The previous sentence (If written properly) would have made this make more sense. I guess it's because i knew the characters already, it just seemed obvious.

Quote:
Quote:
I threw him the same apple he tried to steal from me; it was scratched from the claws after all. He just sat there eating it, not protective, not hasty, he was relaxed.
Right here, you're telling me what happens. You're telling me how Sneasel eats the apple. Try asking these questions. How is the Sneasel eating it? What body language shows he's relaxed? Things like that will help you show us, rather than tell.
Alright, my only excuse is, I haven't done much (if not none at all) creative writing in class this year, it's all been Point-Evidence-Explanation. I'll admit that it isn't a good one but a definite hindering on developing my writing ability (not sure if i used that word right). To be perfectly honest this is the part that i am beating myself up about, not just the sentence, the whole paragraph.

OH on a slightly more important note: How do i get rid of the poll?
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Hey, if you have the time, can you take a look at my fanfic "Facility Number 1"

Last edited by TheBloodyShiner; August 27th, 2013 at 11:26 AM.
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  #4    
Old August 27th, 2013, 11:37 AM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Thanks for getting back to me, it's nice to know my edits are helping.

Quote:
I'm british and according to wikipedia:
"A storey (British English) or story (American English) is any level part of a building that could be used by people (for living, work, storage, recreation, etc.)."
I respect that it isn't your way of spelling or the majority's way of spelling it but to me it's right. I'll keep that in mind next time.
Oops, sorry. I didn't realize there were two ways to spell it. Looks like I learned something new today.

Like I said before, showing v telling is something they don't really teach in school (American schools at least). Just about everything I learned about creative writing I had to learn on my own. Whether that was by research or posting my own writing on various sites. Trust me, you're doing a lot better than my first fic. It was a wall of text, no spacing whatsoever.

Send me a VM once the edits are done. I would like to read through it again. :D
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  #5    
Old August 28th, 2013, 01:48 PM
Nolafus's Avatar
Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
Alright, I spotted far fewer mistakes and I felt like you did a good job elaborating and improving the general story. However, since no one is perfect, there are a few mistakes I spotted.

Quote:
An island off of the coast of Kanto, rebuilt to separate the poor from the poorer.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, I just like to point out sentences that I really like. I really liked the "rebuilt to separate the poor from the poorer." part. It gives a general feel for the story.

Quote:
It used to be a very important Island for inter-regional trade, so there are still some skyscrapers and large buildings.
"Island" doesn't need to be capitalized.

Quote:
Although there is allot of crime here, petty thievery mostly,
I think "allot" needs to be changed to "a lot". Although now I'm wary of the whole British way and American way to spell things after "storey", so go ahead and ignore it if it's another one of those things.

Quote:
It hit me, a pokeball, there were three in that guy’s bag, and all empty for some reason.
In the edits, you left out the part where she slices open the guy's bag, so we don't really know who the "guy" is. I would put that part back into the story.

Quote:
“Oh, she’s doing great; a month was more than enough to get her adjusted to being a thief’s pokemon.
I like this because it shows that pokemon might not be okay with stealing, at first.

Quote:
they interested me more than the “special” pokeballs.
I'm still not sure what these "special pokeballs" are, or that they were even there in the first place. I would drop it.

Once again, I make the critique of separating out the dialogue. Right now it's everywhere in the paragraphs and it can be difficult at times to tell who's talking. I would space it out to help the reader understand more of the story. I don't have much critique for the second half because I was focusing too hard on who was saying what, when. Once that part gets cleared up a bit, I'll go through and check for grammar.

I like most of the edits you made. I now have a better idea of what the island looks like and how it works. Sowing v telling is still an issue, but that takes a while and you're getting better at it. I'm interested on how this story will turn out, looking forward to the second chapter.

Oh, and I don't know how to get rid of polls. I'm not sure if you can. D:
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Old August 29th, 2013, 06:01 AM
TheBloodyShiner's Avatar
TheBloodyShiner
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Facility Number 1
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Well, it's good to see that there are less problems. Once again thank you for the help.
But once again i just need to clear some things up.

Quote:
I think "allot" needs to be changed to "a lot".
I trust auto correct a lot myself, i just looked it up and you are right. Allot means to distribute between things i.e [Allot 10 minutes for the presentation]
I'll fix that up.

Quote:
I'm still not sure what these "special pokeballs" are, or that they were even there in the first place. I would drop it.
It's meant to mean like the dusk balls. Those things that are absolute rubbish and are a waste of money. I need some help making sure that i can get that message across. It's there to emphasize the "Always coming up with new ways to screw you over." feel of the merchants, that's why "special" is quoted. I know you liked that line from your first post. And to clarify they were there from the first version. I'm not going to remove it.

And one more thing, i know that names can be ambiguous to the gender of a person but i thought Zeke was primarily a male's name. It just kind of annoyed me...
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Old August 29th, 2013, 03:12 PM
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TheBloodyShiner
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Facility Number 1
Gender: Male
Nature: Lonely
Spoiler:
Nice job Jay you finally have Chapter 2 up, and not 1 person other than Slayr231 has replied, you didn't even wait for the poll to finish.

Well here it is i guess, the second installment of Zeke's life in F1. Now i would like you to figure out where F1 is... Use all evidence in both chapters and message me the answer. If you can message me the correct answer with atleast two pieces of solid evidence then you... umm... win? Well, this is awkward.


Chapter 2: A New Fight on the Horizon

On our way we heard an explosion. I started to run, it was the only source of supplies on the whole of F1, we can't let it blow up! We had to see what was happening. We reached the edge of the city when we heard “Rhyhorn! Horn attack!” Finally getting a peek at the docks gave me a perfect view of what was going on. Some guy stood on the cargo ship with long blonde hair in a long black leather jacket. He was ordering his Rhyhorn to destroy the docks.

“Sneasel, you’re needed out here.” I grabbed the pokeball clipped to the back of my belt, pushed the button in the centre, and tossed the expanded pokeball forward hoping to get Sneasel in the fight as soon as possible.
“Icy Wind, on the Rhyhorn!” I blurted out, Sneasel opened up its mouth and a huge cold gust swooped across the pier right at the Rhyhorn. Amazingly it was frozen on the first hit. Quake sent out Kangaskhan and had her use Double Hit, knocking it back off of the pier. To stop his Rhyhorn from drowning, the trainer then returned Rhyhorn to the pokeball; he grabbed another two from his jacket.

“Alright you two don’t disappoint me!” He called. He sent out an Elekid and… A golden Charmeleon? I didn’t even know Charmeleon could be gold!
“Elekid, low kick Kangaskhan! Charmeleon, ember that pesky Sneasel!”

“You’re such a pest… Kangaskhan, stomp!” Quake ordered. Kangaskhan dropped her foot on the Elekid, ramming it face first into the dirt. Sneasel was having a bit more trouble with the Charmeleon.

“Agility and Quick Attack!” I called in desperation; speed was the only option for this fight. After running as if he’d teleported to the back of the Charmeleon, Sneasel clawed at its back, lunging back trying to keep out of the way of the attacks. One last hit knocked the Charmeleon into Kangaskhan’s Double Hit; Charmeleon’s head hit the first strike and then the floor within seconds.

"We're leaving early! Some cargo has been damaged, the rest has been unloaded." The trainer yelled into the control room. He turned back to the docks “This isn’t the end, kid! You scum and your damned island will all be finished, you'll see!” The trainer shouted, straight at me, like he was challenging me. He returned his pokemon and was about to leave with the shipment. I ran straight to the edge of the dock and leaped towards the ship. Clinging on to only a railing pipe with one hand, I returned Sneasel with the other and climbed on board. I jumped over the railing and ran towards the trainer. In the heat of the moment, I punched him in the face, knocking him to the floor.

I opened the door to the control room and yelled “Not yet! The cargo hasn’t been unloaded!” I pulled out a knife, strapped to me in a sheath under the leg of my pants, in case anyone tried anything that would threaten the chances of getting the cargo to the people. The captain gave me container keys, looked like I was getting first pick. After inspecting the shipment I decided what I wanted. I found a container with two portable egg incubators in, the first incubator had a baby-blue egg. The second egg was white until half way up, where it became a light green with two red, vertical stripes on opposite sides to each other. I locked this container and distributed the rest of the cargo among the public. One man asked why it wasn’t opened, I just said to him “I tried the key, it’s a different lock. No chance of opening it.” The poor sucker believed me.

After the crowd left I called Quake up to the stall. Our share was all that was left. I took her to the incubators and asked her to pick. After nearing 5 minutes of deciding she took the blue one and said, “They say the eggs resemble the pokemon inside, I know more blue ground types than… whatever that colour scheme is meant to be…”

I sighed “You’ll never change will you?” She’s had an obsession with ground types since we met… I never knew why though, only time will tell. I took the second incubator and decided to head back to my personal base. The ship left behind us.

We got to the old Celio station. This was where most of the inter-regional meetings would take place. Quake and I would normally separate here as my camp was one way, and hers was in the opposite direction, but today she was a bit unnerved.
“Hey, I know this is a bit awkward, but can I sle,” she interrupted herself “Stay with you for a while, I need a bit of backup in case… he… comes back.” She whispered, I knew it was embarrassing for her to ask but I was a bit unsure of what she meant.

“He? You mean the guy at the docks?” I replied, she nodded her head and I indicated for her to follow me. “I know what you mean, what he said was unsettling to say the least.” Those words stuck in my mind ‘This isn’t the end kid!’

“Look, just don’t get any ideas!” Quake gave me a false stern look, and smiled afterward.

“I only have one bed you know… It’s big, and I don’t move around much in my sleep, but it’s still only one bed.” I replied. I’m used to living on my own, one bed, one fire, and one person worth of food. It was getting close to breakfast so we were both starving; at least my hideaway was on the next corner.

I unlocked the door and threw my coat off. I lit a fire and let out Sneasel; once again he sat beside me. Quake was sat next to me as well, she released Kangaskhan. Kangaskhan distanced herself to the other side of the fire.
“Come on, you’re used to me being a thief, he’s just better at it…” Quake sighed. I got up to make our lunch; I pulled the knife from my leg and washed it. At least the water was still working… Electricity and heat both stopped a month ago. I grabbed some apples and a bowl, after cutting up some apple chunks for the baby Kangaskhan I placed them in front of her. For the rest of us I made stew of the vegetables and miltank meat from today’s shipment. I have to eat meat the day I get it, no form of refrigeration after all…

I asked Sneasel if he wanted to take the pills, after he nodded, I dropped half a bottle of both protein and carbos to his bowl. After lunch I set Sneasel down on a bed made of old sheets I was going to get rid of, he needed to digest those pills and the poor guy was already falling to sleep.
I turned to Quake “Just so you know, I sing at home, a lot!”

“You better be good, I’ll hit you if you’re not. You know I will.” Quake replied with a fist raised. Everyone laughed, even Kangaskhan, looked like she liked the idea of me in pain.

The rest of the day went on as normal. I occasionally checked for anyone trying to sneak in, life here is tough but being respected or feared (whichever takes your taste more) always helps to keep you safe. I did everything i could to get that Kangaskhan to warm up to me but to no avail.

It finally got to 10pm, after not sleeping for 2 days straight i decided it was time to get an early night. After the awkward part of lying in the same bed passed, I started talking to Quake.
“Can’t sleep?” I asked trying to make conversation.

“No… I can’t stop thinking about the guy at the docks… I have the feeling we should be watching over the coast.” She whispered. Ok… The awkward part was still going on. I could tell I wasn’t getting any sleep that night, may as well make it 3 days straight. I got out from under the covers; I just left the bed to her and sat by the fire.

“Look, our home is under threat. We can’t change that all we can do is take care of ourselves." She still seemed worried, one way to reassure her was to make her think that we were in control, "If he comes to the thieves’ guild in hopes of taking it down, then our pokemon are the best chance of pushing him back, that’s why I got the eggs. Yes, they'll be weak, but regardless they'll be useful.” I put it as blunt as I could. "I'm going to do everything I can to make life here as easy as possible."

I looked over at my kitchen. I was sick of eating a load of meat in one day “Tomorrow, I’m getting the power back on here. I’m going to go to the powerplant.”

Spoiler:
Yeah yeah, you made the 2 main characters sleep together, definitely not romance... Plot development only! i can't have them meet up everyday to keep the plot going...

Well thanks for reading and make sure to tell me where i messed up...
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Last edited by TheBloodyShiner; September 4th, 2013 at 08:24 AM.
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  #8    
Old August 31st, 2013, 02:08 AM
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Nolafus
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Okay, I noticed that there were substantially fewer grammar mistakes, but I got lost in the story in several places.

Quote:
I got out from under the covers I just left the bed to her and sat by the fire.
You need a comma, or period, after "covers".

Quote:
We can’t change that all we can do is take care of ourselves.
You need a comma after "that".

Quote:
He returned his pokemon and was about to leave with the shipment. I ran straight to the edge of the dock and leaped towards the ship. Clinging on to only a railing pipe with one hand, I returned Sneasel with the other and climbed on board.
Since it would take up a lot of room to quote the entire paragraph, I'll just quote the introduction so you know which part I'm talking about. I was lost during this part. I was confused when you said "about to leave with the shipment." It made it sound like he already had some. So when he darted away from the side of the ship, I started thinking that he worked on it. After about five minutes of hard thinking I finally concluded that he was a thief that hadn't taken any of the cargo yet, but wanted to destroy the dock so that nobody else could get on, he couldn't get off, and that he never wanted the ship to dock there again.
Quote:
He gave me the container keys, looked like I was getting first pick."
During this part, I wondered who "he" was. I figured it was the thief, but since the main character just shouted to people inside the ship, I wasn't sure if people inside the ship gave him the keys. As far as the ship leaving, I just have one question. Why was the ship leaving? If it takes a while for the ship to unload the cargo, why would the ship leave if it has received no confirmation that it was clear to leave? Just some things to think about.

Quote:
“Look, our home is under threat. We can’t change that all we can do is take care of ourselves. If he comes to the thieves’ guild in hopes of taking it down, then our pokemon are the best chance of pushing him back, that’s why I got the eggs.” I put it as blunt as I could. I looked over at my kitchen. I was sick of eating a load of meat in one day “Tomorrow, I’m getting the power back on here. I’m going to go to the powerplant.”
Okay, so we have a section that jumps around way too much. In seconds, the story goes from the guy at the docks, pokemon eggs, getting tired of eating meat, and getting the power back on. Some fleshing out of the story and how the conversation evolves into each aspect would go a long way.

Another aspect of the chapter I found confusing, was the passage of time. I was confused when all of a sudden, it was lunch time. Especially since the first chapter ended at midnight. So if chapter one ends at 12:00 AM, give a few hours until the ship arrives (3:00 AM), defeat the kid at the dock (4:00 AM), pass out the supplies (7:00 AM), and get back to Zeke's place (8:00 AM), that lands just in time for breakfast. With the first chapter ending at midnight, saying that the ship doesn't arrive for a few hours, and the ship is already there with someone already bombarding it. Unless it takes a few hours to walk across the island, I don't think the ship would have already been there. Just something to consider.

All in all, this wasn't a bad chapter. We learned that even the cargo ship isn't that organized with its drop offs. We also learned more about how the island works and our main characters got new pokemon! That's always exciting. I don't mean to be a downer or anything, but reviews are few and far between. I got into reviews a short while ago and the reason I started doing them was because I felt like there needed to be more reviews. To help people and keep writers motivated on their work. I hope you get more reviews, since right now you're only getting one person's opinion, but I wouldn't hold your breath. Anyway, I hope I was helpful and I look forward with the next update.
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Old August 31st, 2013, 08:46 AM
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TheBloodyShiner
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Facility Number 1
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I am still having lots of problems i see, well the entire chapter was meant to introduce the hardships of the life there, no energy, not much safety, and all topped off by extremists wanting to eradicate the population of F1. This only pops up now, and i haven't developed on it. Granted i will be adding more to this, but basically until i add the edit here's everything that needs to be filled in.
It's in a spoiler so you choose whether or not to wait for those plot points to be filled in.
Spoiler:
Ok so you opened it up, good to know, now, to answer the questions you posed.
  • Like i said before, he's part of an extremist organisation wanting to destroy the population of F1. Destroying the docks making sure nobody gets anything from the shipment thus starving.
  • That last sentence was lazy writing, I couldn't think of a way to separate them, I just wanted to introduce chapter three's plot so it is easier to remember why he goes to the power plant.
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Old August 31st, 2013, 01:47 PM
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Uh, I didn't do it...
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In addition to the points already mentioned, format. Right now it's a large group of blocks. Separate each new paragraph with a full break.

Like.

This.

That's every new paragraph, including dialogue.



It's an interesting concept though. Fix the format and I might make a full review.
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Old September 2nd, 2013, 02:46 AM
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TheBloodyShiner
 
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Quote:
Right now it's a large group of blocks. Separate each new paragraph with a full break.
I really have no idea what you mean, any jumps to the next line are new speaker, so it's easier to track who's speaking.
Slayr231 picked up on that in his/her first review and hasn't said anything about it since.
The new paragraph is fully broken up. Thanks for another helpful bit of advice, personally i have always considered a break either new time/new subject.
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Old September 2nd, 2013, 01:46 PM
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Nolafus
Aspiring Writer, or something
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Lost in thought... again
Age: 18
Gender: Male
Nature: Calm
I think this is what he meant.
Quote:
“Alright you two don’t disappoint me!” He called. He sent out an Elekid and… A golden Charmeleon? I didn’t even know Charmeleon could be gold!
“Elekid, low kick Kangaskhan! Charmeleon, ember that pesky Sneasel!”
“You’re such a pest… Kangaskhan, stomp!” Quake ordered. Kangaskhan dropped her foot on the Elekid, ramming it face first into the dirt. Sneasel was having a bit more trouble with the Charmeleon.
“Agility and Quick Attack!” I called in desperation; speed was the only option for this fight. After running as if he’d teleported to the back of the Charmeleon, Sneasel clawed at its back, lunging back trying to keep out of the way of the attacks. One last hit knocked the Charmeleon into Kangaskhan’s Double Hit; Charmeleon’s head hit the first strike and then the floor within seconds.
After putting the breaks in it, this is what we get.
Quote:
“Alright you two don’t disappoint me!” He called. He sent out an Elekid and… A golden Charmeleon? I didn’t even know Charmeleon could be gold! “Elekid, low kick Kangaskhan! Charmeleon, ember that pesky Sneasel!”

“You’re such a pest… Kangaskhan, stomp!” Quake ordered.

Kangaskhan dropped her foot on the Elekid, ramming it face first into the dirt. Sneasel was having a bit more trouble with the Charmeleon.

“Agility and Quick Attack!” I called in desperation; speed was the only option for this fight.

After running as if he’d teleported to the back of the Charmeleon, Sneasel clawed at its back, lunging back trying to keep out of the way of the attacks. One last hit knocked the Charmeleon into Kangaskhan’s Double Hit; Charmeleon’s head hit the first strike and then the floor within seconds.
Hitting "enter" once isn't enough. You need to hit it twice in order to get the full break. Since dialogue is special, it gets its own section away from descriptions. The only non-dialogue that's allowed to be in there, is the text that stating, or giving clues, about who is speaking at that time. I hope this helps and don't be afraid to ask any more questions, I'll do my best to answer them.
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Old September 4th, 2013, 08:19 AM
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Ok, ok i give in. I always thought that putting a double break between all dialouges was a lazy way of making it longer, but i'll change all of them ok?
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