The PokéCommunity Forums  

Go Back   The PokéCommunity Forums > Creative Discussions > Fan Fiction and Writing
Sign Up Rules/FAQ Live Battle Blogs Mark Forums Read

Notices

Fan Fiction and Writing Submit your stories and poems.


View Poll Results: Continue?
Yes 1 50.00%
No 1 50.00%
Voters: 2. You may not vote on this poll

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old April 5th, 2013, 09:39 PM
AXELXu7's Avatar
AXELXu7
Kusari Ninja
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sorry, no.
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
New edition here:

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=299966
__________________
-Got a Machinehead, Better than the rest.-


Last edited by AXELXu7; April 13th, 2013 at 12:38 AM. Reason: Moving/improving
Reply With Quote
  #2    
Old April 11th, 2013, 11:29 PM
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus
Remember NovEnder
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Your story goes by way too fast. Vincent wakes up in a forest and seems to accept pretty quickly that he can't remember a thing. There's no hesitation on his part about that, and he doesn't seem to really react when he gets any clue about his past. He just keeps moving. A lot happened in these four chapters, and as a reader it's a lot to take in because there's no slow-down. Vincent never takes a break, so the reader can't, and it's just a lot to take in at once.

Another thing that I noticed is that your Pokemon battle descriptions are very...technical. They read exactly as the video game reads, right down to the Pokemon's HP being in the red. Those terms are fine for the games, but in stories, you're not writing about data. You're writing about creatures that are walking and reacting in a world that's real to them. So Raichu's HP isn't in the red. Raichu's not able to run as fast, his fur is black in places where he's burned, there's a few cuts staining his fur red with blood. Zangoose doesn't use Scratch. He charges at Sentret, claws held ready, tearing into his opponent's body with all the strength he can muster. You want to make Pokemon battles exciting to read about because they should be exciting to your characters. It's much more interesting to read about how the Pokemon move during battle than just simple technical terms that most people ignore by smashing the A button.

There's a good mystery here, and it's going to be interesting to see what Vincent can uncover about his past and why he can't remember a thing. The two issues that I pointed out, if you improve on them, can make your story a little easier to get into. Good luck!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3    
Old April 12th, 2013, 12:40 AM
AXELXu7's Avatar
AXELXu7
Kusari Ninja
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sorry, no.
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Quote:
Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
Your story goes by way too fast. Vincent wakes up in a forest and seems to accept pretty quickly that he can't remember a thing. There's no hesitation on his part about that, and he doesn't seem to really react when he gets any clue about his past. He just keeps moving. A lot happened in these four chapters, and as a reader it's a lot to take in because there's no slow-down. Vincent never takes a break, so the reader can't, and it's just a lot to take in at once.

Another thing that I noticed is that your Pokemon battle descriptions are very...technical. They read exactly as the video game reads, right down to the Pokemon's HP being in the red. Those terms are fine for the games, but in stories, you're not writing about data. You're writing about creatures that are walking and reacting in a world that's real to them. So Raichu's HP isn't in the red. Raichu's not able to run as fast, his fur is black in places where he's burned, there's a few cuts staining his fur red with blood. Zangoose doesn't use Scratch. He charges at Sentret, claws held ready, tearing into his opponent's body with all the strength he can muster. You want to make Pokemon battles exciting to read about because they should be exciting to your characters. It's much more interesting to read about how the Pokemon move during battle than just simple technical terms that most people ignore by smashing the A button.

There's a good mystery here, and it's going to be interesting to see what Vincent can uncover about his past and why he can't remember a thing. The two issues that I pointed out, if you improve on them, can make your story a little easier to get into. Good luck!
I'm not gonna lie, I've been half-assing it up until now just because I wanted to get the story out. If people accepted it, I would turn it into a rom hack. That's why I included the poll. I never considered the delivery.might have to do with its acceptance. I have to start over. Thanks for the criticism. You've paid the most attention.
__________________
-Got a Machinehead, Better than the rest.-

Reply With Quote
Reply
Quick Reply

Sponsored Links
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Minimum Characters Per Post: 25



All times are UTC -8. The time now is 08:21 AM.


Style by Nymphadora, artwork by Sa-Dui.
Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2014 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.